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Original poster

Is this a red flag or am I overly sensitive?

50 replies

Whoniverse · 11/02/2024 19:56

I might be a bit oversensitive here so would appreciate some thoughts.
I had a bit of an argument with my bf and it made me think afterwards. We were out in town and I wanted to give some change to a homeless woman we passed. He didn’t try to stop me from doing it but made some pretty horrible comments about homeless people and sex workers(“vermin”, and “giving them money is like feeding pigeons”). There were also some comments that I found quite misogynistic and I pulled him up on it. In the end we agreed to disagree and leave the topic, but I felt bad afterwards.
We have had some disagreements about similar topics in the past but we generally just accept that we are different and don’t argue about it. I’d like to believe that I care for people and I believe that everyone deserves to be treated with respect, and he sees people entirely differently. He’s not a bad person and very loving with me but he has the empathy of a brick when it comes to people in general. We don’t fight often and we are happy but the argument has now made me wonder if I’m naive or oversensitive. It was really a stupid and pointless thing to argue about but I really got to me somehow.

OP posts:
Philandbill · 11/02/2024 19:58

I wouldn't want to be with someone who made comments like that.

friendswiththemonstera · 11/02/2024 19:59

How long have you been together, and how old is he? He is nice to you now but if he lacks empathy then I doubt it will last.

Blahblahblah245 · 11/02/2024 20:00

I’d be concerned about the way he describes sex workers and the homeless. It’d be a red flag for me. I’m probably a lot more “supportive” of the homeless than my husband, but he’s never describe people the way your bf does (and I’d say my husband is pretty insensitive at times).

OhVienna24 · 11/02/2024 20:00

I wouldn’t like that at all.

Lavender14 · 11/02/2024 20:01

I mean, it depends on how much his values matter to you and how much you want them to align with yours op.

I personally would drop anyone who speaks that way about another human being like a hot rock but I've a very low tolerance for attitudes like that and I work with the exact people he's talking about so id have let him know exactly what i thought about his comments.

Personally I dated with the intention of finding someone who I wanted to marry and eventually have children with so it was very important to me that our core values aligned so our children would be raised in those values and that we would agree on the very basic stuff. If you're dating for fun or don't see that being an issue then it perhaps doesn't matter as much? It really depends on how important this is to you but I would say the misogynistic comments are probably the ones for you to pay attention to because if they are misogynistic then they apply to you.

aitchteeaitch · 11/02/2024 20:01

No, you aren't overly sensitive, you sound lovely and caring. He, on the other hand, sounds like an obnoxious, bigoted twat.

Sorry OP, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who held views like that about the disadvantaged.

itisneverending · 11/02/2024 20:01

If your views don’t align, it’s a red flag. Who has told you that you are over sensitive, this bf or another. Being sensitive to others is a positive not a negative trait.

goingrouge · 11/02/2024 20:02

I don't believe someone with views like that can be a good person at all. This isn't a difference in views, he's scum.

I'd be dumping him immediately.

Tilleuil · 11/02/2024 20:03

He sounds horrible OP.
I’d be horrified if my dh spoke about people in that way.

DecayedStrumpet · 11/02/2024 20:04

I don't think I'd want to be with someone who describes another human being as 'vermin'.

Do you?

TedMullins · 11/02/2024 20:04

You’re not oversensitive. He’s utterly vile. I’d be dumping him on the spot for comments like that.

mildlydispeptic · 11/02/2024 20:06

In my experience if he's that misogynistic about other women, sooner or later you'll have your own problems with him.

SamW98 · 11/02/2024 20:06

Misogyny, homophobia and racism are absolute deal breakers for me so any signs of those and I’m gone. .

Lookingforunicorns · 11/02/2024 20:07

I ignored this type of thing for years and I shouldn't have. Not that particular situation but more racism, and horrid comments about those with disabilities.
He's showing you who he is. Pay attention to your sixth sense.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 11/02/2024 20:07

You don't need to feel bad about disagreeing with him. He sounds not very nice at all.

vincettenoir · 11/02/2024 20:10

I can see why you're concerned about this.

pictoosh · 11/02/2024 20:13

Giving them money is like feeding pigeons?

That would be it for me. As soon as a man shows he's callous, sack him off.

Original poster
Whoniverse · 11/02/2024 20:15

Yes I also work in an area where I deal with a lot of vulnerable people so it’s something that is important to me. He “lives” in an entirely different world in this regard. I really love him but today made me wonder if we really are compatible.

OP posts:
whatsitcalledwhen · 12/02/2024 00:24

I honestly think that my love for someone would switch off if they described a group of people, let alone vulnerable people, as vermin.

And a misogynist on top of that.

Good grief.

People who are fundamentally kind and decent simply don't speak about people, especially vulnerable people, that way.

Do you want to spend your life with someone who isn't fundamentally kind and is a misogynist?

If so, why do you think that's what you deserve?

Josette77 · 12/02/2024 00:29

My birthmom is homeless so it would be a red flag for me.

How people treat the most vulnerable matters a lot to me.

bombastix · 12/02/2024 00:35

Thing is he bothered to comment, and harshly. His lack of kindness bothers you and would me. Why bother yourself to be cruel about someone who has far less than you or is in a degraded way? The rush to judge is unattractive, so you find him so.

octoberfarm · 12/02/2024 00:45

Honestly that would be a hard line for me. Whilst it's so important he treats you well, it's also super important how he treats other people. He's showing you who he is, love. Listen Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 12/02/2024 03:08

It's interesting thar people often say 'He's not a bad person. He treats me well'.

Honey, the way you know the measure of a man, is not just how they treat people who are close to them. Or who are, currently, in their good books. It's how they treat the human population in general.

Someone who has no empathy for others, is not a nice human being.

Someone who has mysoginistic and generally icy comments so readily on the tip of his tongue, is not a nice human being.

The things he said don't sit right with you because he's shoen you clearly that he IS a bad person. Even though you don't want to think that...because for the time being he usually treats you OK.

But that won't last.

Mysoginy comes easy for him because he doesn't like women. You're a woman. One day he'll put 2 and 2 together.

Life is too short to spend with horrible people. Being the right hand of the devil does not make you immune.

Run fast and run far.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2024 03:13

The thought of you having a child with this arsehole is horrifying. FFS, raise the bar.

MiltonNorthern · 12/02/2024 04:38

I couldn't love a man who was so spiteful and cruel about vulnerable people. The two things are incompatible in my mind.