Question regarding money and relationships

[Joey699]

Hello All, looking for some opinions with regards to money and relationships.
Im male 54 and have been seeing someone (51 ) about 10 months now, I earn a bit more than her - but not much- but she does have 2 children from a previous relationship, so I accept she has less available income than me.
Everything is going really well apart from one issue that is getting to me a little bit, she never pays for anything when we out together, not parking or drinks , meals - I think she have bought me a cup of tea once, but ultimately I end up paying for everything we do as a couple, which I’m mostly okay with - but I’d like to be treated to the occasional nice meal out as well sometimes

just kinda looking for a view on how I can raise this in non confrontational way

Sounds like she’s taking advantage if she almost never offers to split the bill or take turns paying. Even if she had less disposable income, she could still offer to pay for smaller things. I seriously doubt she’s unaware of the imbalance. You could say “Shall we split the bill?” or similar the next time you dine out, and see what she says. You should just ask her what she thinks about taking turns, what’s manageable within her budget, etc. You have to manage your expectations though, she probably can’t afford to match your level of spending. But if you can’t have a frank conversation about finances after 10 months together that doesn’t bode well.

I would raise it and say you feel like things aren't being split that fairly and can you have a discussion with her about it. If she reacts badly then she's a piss taker.

I’d say that’s unusual especially after ten months. You would expect her to offer to pay for some things. You will have to say something.

I wouldn't date someone who thinks I should pay or thinks my money grows in a tree in my back garden.

Next time you plan something, plan something expensive and ask her for half of the money in advance. Depending on her response you will know how big is the greed on her.

A single Mother with 2 DC might not be able to afford to pay half of something expensive, I certainly wouldn't.

Do you know what her finances are like? Can she afford to date? My DSIS would love to date but as a single Mum having to pay all her living expenses herself she has nothing spare for herself.

What kind of places are you both going to and who is choosing them? If she doesn't have a lot of money, are you happy to go somewhere cheap when it's her turn to pay or to stay in and have her cook you a meal instead.

Hmmm, no that’s not right. Seems to me she takes advantage of you. Not even a mention of offering to pay?

I hate this expectation that men should pay (I always pay my way). Some women don’t think like me and think that men enjoy being a provider.Nobody should be making assumptions though!
After ten months it’s unimpressive that she hasn’t checked what your view is. Would really put me off her.
It’s also a bit off putting that you can’t have an easy breezy conversation about it and are coming on here to ask.
I would just say ‘Hey we’ve been together long enough now. Your treat this time’ and take it from there.

Thanks for the response,
yes I’m aware that I have more disposable income and have no issue with paying, but it’s more the the fact that she has never actually offered to pay that is annoying me slightly, McD would be fine for me

Thanks for the response,
i suppose the slighty annoying thing is I’m going to have to raise this as an issue for me,

Thanks for the response
I wouldn’t say she was rolling in space money, but yes she can afford to date.
we generally go to regular pub / cinema dates , I’m not a particular foodie, we have both chosen
she Has been to mine & I’ve cooked ( and she has lived ! ) & I’ve been to hers when her ex has had her kids which I really like
if we have been out somewhere during the day it might be a McD on way home

thanjs for the reply,
while I don’t mind paying, it would be nice if she offered, rather than me having to prompt her

Suggest a picnic she can make it if she doesn’t wanna do that she’s definitely taking advantage

You should be 50/50 or take turns.

And I hate this "offer" nonsense. Women who "offer" aren't really expecting to pay. Just pay without the faux offer.

OP if she's not even paying for a few drinks I'm afraid she's taking advantage. Does she not even approach the bar?

Does she expect to spend zero money.. ridiculous.

I'm female just to be clear.

I think you can start a genre conversation about how you feel things are going in the relationship, what is working well and what would be even better or like to change. Listen to what she says. For your 'even better...' say I love us going out, I would love it if you could sometimes choose a place to treat me it would really make me smile'

If she is a nice woman she will
Be really up
For that and can choose somewhere that meets her budget. If she's not happy with that then she can get in the bin

You’ve put up with this for 10 months?!?! Madness.

Well you should stop offering to pay all the time. When the bill comes say, shall we just split it across two cards this time? Do that on your next date to give her the benefit of the doubt and see what her reaction is.

Personally I think it’s nice to treat each other as it does make you feel special, but it should be turn about not you paying all the time. I couldn’t continue to date a freeloader like this woman appears to be.

You say you don't mind paying but then want her to offer. I'm getting mixed messages here. You've set the pattern of you paying, 10 months down the line it's more awkward to mention it but if it's bothering you I would. I've always gone halves but then my bfs have never had a lot more money than i have..

I don’t think it’s mixed messages. He’s been being generous and has expected her to show similar generosity and meet him halfway but it hasn’t happened and it’s been so long now he realises it isn’t going to.

She should be offering, but you also need to communicate in a relationship. If you communicate the problem and she is not receptive, in your shoes I would end things. If she is receptive, problem solved.

OP, just start a conversation with her about money. How was money treated in her family growing up? What does she expect in a relationship?

You will uncover either a misunderstanding, or an attitude you don’t like (which she may or may not change for your sake or you may or may not suck up for hers).

@Joey699 if she is 51 then her kids cannot be that young? how old are the kids OP?

12 &!15

If he embaressed to not offer on a date! It’s just rude and entitled.

As a woman I think the fact shes never even offered to pay her share is entitled and grabby. If she offered and you refused, that’s different but to not even offer once - no that’s absolutely out of order.

It’s a difficult conversation this far down the line but you need to say something as sounds like she just expects you to bankroll her lifestyle now.

Next time you go to the pub, say to her ‘get the drink in, I’m nipping to the loo’ see how she reacts.

I think her exH was quite a high earner ( much more than me) so I kinda think this might be her default behaviour