Question regarding money and relationships

[Joey699]

Hello All, looking for some opinions with regards to money and relationships.
Im male 54 and have been seeing someone (51 ) about 10 months now, I earn a bit more than her - but not much- but she does have 2 children from a previous relationship, so I accept she has less available income than me.
Everything is going really well apart from one issue that is getting to me a little bit, she never pays for anything when we out together, not parking or drinks , meals - I think she have bought me a cup of tea once, but ultimately I end up paying for everything we do as a couple, which I’m mostly okay with - but I’d like to be treated to the occasional nice meal out as well sometimes

just kinda looking for a view on how I can raise this in non confrontational way

I worked with a girl who would have dumped anybody who asked her to even pay 50p towards anything. It was a horrible trait and she went out with an awful lot of men and always got dumped.

I'm not in favour of talking things through sometimes. I would rather watch and wait, look at what someone is like and if I don't like it I would end it. I wouldn't want her buying me meals because I told her to.

She's being very very unfair. She could always say she can't afford certain things but the fact she's going along with you and having meals and drinks out and not even offering to pay for herself.

Joey she's 51. She knows what she's doing. Just because her ex paid is no excuse unless she's a complete dummy.

When I met my husband he made significantly more than me and was both very generous and more of a spender than me so I felt guilty often that he would arrange expensive dates and always pay. However, I equally would arrange dates and pay for them too, just within my own budget. I can’t see any justification for her not to be doing this.

If she can't afford a meal out I'd expect her to cook for you at home. My husband earned 20 times what I did but I paid my way for the first while for sure.
I'd say next time you arrange a date something like: 'I think it's your turn to treat - where do you suggest'? See how that goes down.

What would happen if you forgot your wallet? Go somewhere cheap like McDonald's and tell her you forgot your wallet. See if she offers to pay. You could find your wallet if she hasn't bought hers even.

@Pineapplewaves, that is exactly the point of planning something expensive. Planning doesn't mean they have to do it. She will have to say something if she can't afford it. And depending on what she says and how she says it, he will have a good answer about her actitude. Hasn't she being paying because she is cheeky and she wants to be subsidize by him and wanted to be treated to all? Hasn't she said anything until now but now that she is been called out is happy to do cheap, free stuff of collaborate with some money?

Hasn't she been paying because is one of those women who thinks the man should be paying?

If she can't afford to date (because of money) there is plenty of cheap/free things to do. Pretending that stuff doesn't cost money to others is entitled.

This is a VERY expensive age.

"This is a VERY expensive age."

So you get to sit on your hands when the bill comes and act like a fucking dummy?

Some folks really have no pride.

Absolutely this. Doesn’t matter what experience she’s had in her past, you’re not her cashpoint

And they have two parents to split the cost it’s not the OPs responsibility

I’d just say light heartedly, “isn’t it your turn to offer to pay?”. Not making a big issue of it, but I’d be watching carefully at the reaction and behaviour going forward.

Even back in the 80's when I was dating, there's no way I wouldn't have offered to go halves, it was how I was raised! Good manners cost nothing! I'd be embarrassed to just sit there not offering. And I totally understand about the offering, it's common courtesy more than anything!
I think you've got some good advice on here OP on how to broach the subject... Good luck, let us know how it goes!

I think you both contributed to the escalation of this problem. If you noticed this dynamic and it never agreed with your values, you could have simply said: what’s your thoughts on sharing the costs of eating out/entertainment? Shall we agree on a budget? Would you be able to contribute to it and if yes how much? it’s that simple.

You may have different beliefs re: who pays for dates. She may have been comfortable with you covering the majority of the expenses and never perceived it as a problem, didn’t realise it’s a problem for you, therefore never raised it. It doesn’t make her a bad person.

If you have a chat about it and she says: I don’t want to/can’t contribute to the costs of dating, then you both have a clear situation and you can decide if this person is for you or not.

And please refrain from ‘testing her out’. I’m not sure if the approach of: ‘say ‘isn’t it your turn to pay? and see how she reacts’ is helpful. Isn’t it better, more mature, to have an open, honest conversation with your partner, instead of some mind games? Break the avoidance and talk to her from the place of clarity, honesty and positivity.

She's the same age as me and I can't imagine behaving like this, or getting on with a woman who did.

Ten months is quite a long time for this not to have been discussed - what has stopped you from saying that it's her turn or bringing it up before now?

I would go with the a light approach too 'Are you getting this one or do you want to go halves?' or 'isn't it your turn to pay?' and see where it leads.

Or, actually, maybe after ten months the light approach is a bit inappropriate and it may be time to have a proper discussion...

Completely agree with this. I have more respect for myself than to allow a man to pay for everything. If she can't afford to go out and pay her way then she needs to tell you this.