Bizarre OLD situation

[catslave23]

I have been speaking to a guy off Hinge for about three weeks now. We get on great and he's always reliable and consistent with staying in contact, generally message throughout the day or sometimes just the evening if he's busy.

We went on a first date on Monday. It went really well and I think we liked each other. He had asked me on the first date so I asked if he'd like to go out again. He suggested Saturday and we made plans. I even booked an activity and he knew I'd booked and paid as I send him a link to the booking as he needed to fill in a form with some details.

We talked as normal on Friday. Everything was fine and we were looking forward to Saturday evening. He'd gone quiet in the afternoon and when he got home he said he had issues with his phone and had no signal. He'd looked online and there were general issues with the network.

He never replied to a text I sent about 9pm. Thought he'd fallen asleep. He didn't read it until gone 11pm. Didn't think much of it! Next day comes and I don't hear from him despite me sending a couple of messages. One in the morning and another about 4pm

His Whatsapp said he was seen at 9am but then he never came back online.

The whole day and night went by. Didn't hear from him but he equally didn't go back online. We missed the date obviously and I wasted £60!

I actually got a bit worried about him that maybe something had happened to him and tried to call him once in the evening about 7pm thinking perhaps he had phone issues. He didn't answer and I didn't call again.

This morning his WhatsApp still said last seen 9am yesterday but it's just flicked on to say he's been online recently. No message from him.

Next thing I see he's blocked me.

I'm really hurt by this. Why agree to another date, let me book something, talk to me all week then ignore me on the day and block me?

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong but online dating seems to just be absolutely savage. I am a perfectly normal person. I just can't understand this.

This is the second time this has happened now. Another guy I was seeing I had 3 dates with, he arranged a 4th and then ghosted me just before we were meant to meet up.

I completely accept that it's not always going to work out. I didn't actually fancy this guy to be honest but I thought I'd give another date a go as we got on really well and had lots in common.

Is this something with me? I feel like it must be as it's happened twice now.

It's not you. It's normal male OLD behaviour.
It's better to try meeting someone in real life.

What a bell end. Thst is so rude to not even say thanks but no thanks. Do something nice for u OP

Had some success with OLD 5 yrs ago. Not looking forward to going back on.

I might expect it from young lads in their 20s who are playing the field but we're both in our 30s, both have kids, etc etc

Unfortunately the ghosting and blocking is pretty standard. It’s poor and cowardly but seems to be the norm now rather than being honest.

To ghost you knowing you’d paid out for an activity is really shit though.

I would just say that going forward, keep the first few dates a lot more casual - coffee drinks etc and don’t part with any money in advance.

What an absolute knob he is! No idea why men do this. Next time let the guy set the first couple of dates and don't book anything, keep it low key with coffee or a drink.

Do something nice for yourself today.

It's not you at all - the whole thing is completely vile. He's a coward and an idiot.

I met someone before Xmas, he seemed really keen, and for once I really liked him (after 9837498098496090945 approx. times of it not working/being awful). He was messaging all the time - very complimentary etc. etc. Stupidly I thought it might turn into something. He was abroad over Xmas, then came back, and then breadcrumbed me and now gone mostly silent (blaming an unspecified 'illness' that means he's tired and in bed all the time 🙄although the rules of this illness seem rather sketchy 🤔). More than anything I'm annoyed I let my mind run away with itself. I loathe OLD, dating, men, and anything connected in any loose way to any of them. To the nunnery!

Why on earth would you book and pay for a date for £60 upfront that was only a second date?!

Sadly there’s cowardly ghosting dickheads of all ages

My friend was due to go to dinner with a guy she’d been chatting to on Friday evening. Chatting normally all week and messaged Thursday night to say she was looking forward to meeting the next evening. Got up Friday morning and he’d blocked her - he’s 56 ffs

So you paid £60 for a date for a man you don’t even fancy? Maybe he sense you didn’t fancy him so didn’t want to waste his time?

I figured it was about the same price as dinner and I'd already sorted with a mate that we could go if either of us cancelled.

£60 isn't an unaffordable amount of money in my world. I just thought it would be fun. Obviously learnt my lesson here.

To be honest I was so pissed off that he just ignored me I didn't end up going with a mate as I really wasn't in the mood!

I think perhaps I'll call it a day with online dating! I don't think I can cope with people having such lack of manners!

Bizarre as he told me he really liked me without any conversation around it etc.

It would be great to meet some in real life but realistically I can't see it happening.
I don't want to meet anyone at work as I work with my ex (children's dad) and I think it would be awkward.

I'm in my 30s with two kids ..... all my friends are married or in committed relationships and most of them have a family. Beyond work I just can't see a situation in real life where I actually meet anyone.

Yeah pay for yours but you shouldn’t have paid for his share you only met him once? You said you “lost the money” so assume it must have bothered you

Maybe he didn’t particularly want to do the activity? I find a lot of men aren’t interested in doing stuff that requires organising and booking. It’s more drinking, eating and sex. That sounds awful but in my experience it’s true. When I was online dating they just wanted to come around for a shag.

If he didn't want to do the activity why didn't he just say 'no I don't fancy that'

I'm obviously not just going to invite them round for sex as I don't want casual sex!

We were going to get some dinner before or after which would have been on him.

Honestly I find an activity less awkward / less pressure than making small talk with someone I don't know well. It just gets a bit samey!

I think my question is really why do they just ghost instead of just saying no thanks! I honestly can't comprehend it

I entirely agree. That’s why I gave up in the end! It must be easier for them to ghost or not turn up or fade away than just to say the truth.

I think a lot of men seem to be avoidant these days. I'm not sure why, probably a variety of reasons, but you're far from alone. Ghosting after a date is one thing, cowardly but understandable if you dontwant tohurt someone's feelings, but there seems to be a lot of stringing along these days - making plans and just not following through. Thst seems like something else to me.

Some of them seem to reappear later for a ego boost - either in the form of your forgiveness or an angry response and then repeat the cycle again. As upsetting and confusing as their behaviour is, the problem is all theirs. I can't imagine their lives must be very happy to derive a sense of pleasure or power from treating women this way and to be so afraid of making themselves vulnerable they continually run away.

So rude. He could have sent a text saying sorry but I can't come and then blocked if he felt that strongly. Not what I look for in a man but I agree this behaviour is common in old.

Not that I’m condoning his behaviour at all OP but more of a question - did you both discuss and agree that you would book the activity or did you book it then tell him afterwards?

What a truly nasty thing to do. There really are some vile men on OLD (speaking from bitter experience) and very sadly, you can't afford to trust anyone who you meet on a dating app, until you have known them for a long time and they have earned your trust.

I really feel for you @catslave23 and am sending you a warm hug. So many similar things have happened to me, hence I know from experience how hurtful it is. It's such a horrible situation to be in and it makes you feel sick to know that you have been led on and deceived.

It's all very well for people to advise you to meet someone IRL, but in practice, that simply doesn't happen (again speaking from experience), so OLD is realistically our only option if we want to meet someone special.

In future, my advice would be to lean back and let them initiate everything in the initial stages. Also - and I know that this will be a highly unpopular opinion - I would let them pay for the first few dates (you can always reciprocate later on down the line). That way, if/when they ghost, they are the ones left out of pocket, which serves them right for their poor behaviour.

Big hugs xx

@SamW98 yes we had a conversation about the next date! He suggested maybe an activity instead of just dinner etc as would be fun.

We discussed and agreed the activity and he even chose the time and location! we agreed I would book the activity and he would pay for dinner!

I wouldn't have just been presumptuous and booked it!

The conversation was back and forth over most of a day and he seemed keen!

@catslave23you have done nothing wrong whatsoever, he's a twat for not just being honest and cancelling. Meeting people, agreeing to do stuff, arranging it all, this is normal date behaviour, he is not normal, or rather he's quite normal for OLD which does seem to bring out the cowards and socially inept men who probably wouldn't have fared terribly well in the old dating scenarios. Trouble is there's some nice ones in there and you do have to just meet and see. There's no excuse for not cancelling though, even if he just made up a crappy excuse!

Sorry, that was incredibly rude of him knowing you had paid or even if you hadn't but it was also foolish of you to spend non refundable money on a stranger like that whether discussed or not. OLD is a space where people seem to often lose basic manners so you have to keep expectations low in the early days and not invest too much emotionally or financially.

I hear you about activities but there are plenty that you don't have to pay in advance

That’s appalling from him and really cowardly.
The presumption with OLD is usually they’ve had another offer unfortunately but that absolutely does not excuse him ghosting you, even worse that he’s left you out of pocket.

The only thing to take away is he’s shown his true colours very quickly and saved you Wasting any more time on him.

I just think for first few dates keep it light and don’t invest too much time, effort or cash.

Possible scenario:
He has a date with you on the Wednesday and a date with Woman 2 on the Thursday.
Wednesday goes fine and he agrees to see you Saturday.
The date with Woman 2 also goes well. She asks him out on the Saturday. Weighing it up, he'd rather see Woman 2 on the Saturday. He realises that if he met you, you'd get the impression things were going well. He realises that he can't spend the whole date being nice to you but knowing that he's going to have to say no to a third date as he's more interested in meeting Woman 2.
Normally he'd write a text to cancel your date but now he's too embarrrassed to do so as meanwhile you've paid loads of money.
He spends Friday writhing in embarrassment about what to say and eventually gives up and blocks you, swearing that he will never again agree to a prepaid date so fast.

I don’t think it’s you. I think it’s pretty standard behaviour. As most people chat to multiple people. I now do the same. I would never block/not turn up to date. I like to treat people how I like to be treated. See it as a lucky escape. I had similar with a guy I wasnt sure about he came across as ladish. But I gave him a chance he suggested 3rd date. Then went quiet. I wasn’t surprised though.