OLD - why is it so bad?

[Cocacolacarrie]

I split with my ex after 20 years 12 months ago. I'd like to date again. I'm in my 40s. I have no desire to marry/live with a partner/have anymore kids. I could take or leave a relationship but to be blunt, I miss sex and physical intimacy.

My opportunities to meet someone IRL are limited. I WFH and I prefer not to date in work. Social circle is mostly female. Days I have the kids makes regular social activities and hobby groups etc difficult.

So I'm going to try OLD. But everyone tells me it is terrible for women of my age group. Men are all awful, cheating scumbags who send unsolicited dick picks. I can't help but think really? Is it really all that bad all of the time? On the other hand, one my of best friends met her soon to be husband on bumble after one date!

Am I being naive? What do I need to look out for?

No people aren’t exaggerating, we are telling our lived experiences though obviously no one’s is exactly the same.

I’ve been very honest about my OLD experiences on here - no exaggeration or man hating, I went in with my eyes open and had no idea how dreadful it would be for me.

Thetes many women telling similar stories so no we’re not exaggerating it really CAN be as bad as we are saying.

Others have had more positive experiences so it really is a try it and see scenario before seeing if it works for you or not.

Give it a go but perhaps date men in the next town so if it doesn't work out you don't have to bump into them again in a future workplace or social setting.

My friends in mid 30s and early 40s describe it as soul destroying and a dumpster fire. I tried it briefly and gave up after attracting players, narcissists and men looking for free sex work. I genuinely don’t think I met a single man who was after more than casual sex on OLD. If you are after casual sex you will have plenty of options though! Be prepared to carry the conversation and do all the work because most men will barely put in any effort and expect you to do all the work.

I’ve seen comments on here about positive experiences or people at least having fun or meeting other halves but haven’t seen any of it.

I totally get what you're saying. But I do think that finding a deep and meaningful relationship anywhere can be a struggle for most TBH. And finding 'the one' is no guarantee they will be with you forever.

I live in a village so would need to do that anyway 😆

Too much choice. Same as with everything that is stressful in this new era of the internet. You always feel like you might be missing out on something better - whether that's booking a holiday, or a restaurant, or even buying a pair of jeans or tin of paint, or new saucepan.

I'm sorry but I had a proper chuckle to myself at the idea of panic buying tins of paint. 😆

Good luck and open your mind if you want to try. OLD is not for me but some people who is more extrovert and give it a go may find nice people out there.
Don't take it to personal regarding dick pics and morons. They are everywhere.

I saw this on an OLD profile which I think provides useful context for OLD - “I am not looking to meet the love of my life”.

I think it does provide context and I think it probably actually explains a lot about what people who don't like OLD. Everyone is looking for something different. But everyone silently expects everyone to be looking for the same thing as them. Everyone is playing a different game by different rules.

It is awful from a male perspective too. Many females either have a chip on both shoulders or else are compulsive liars.

I know a couple of people who met their partner on OLD. Including my cousin who met his partner on Muddy Matches. I think, even if people are genuine online (which is a big if) it's better to meet prospective partners where you know their background from friends or colleagues or family. You're more likely to be on the same page, and no nasty surprises from their past popping up.

I agree that I see as many horror stories online from men about women as I see from women about men. And they're both generally complaining about the same thing - ghosting, not looking for something serious etc.

I appreciate everyone's comments BTW. I'm going to look at signing up at some point in the next few weeks and will come back to update this thread to let you know how it goes!

Paradise or burning flames no doubt!!

Give this thread a try when you’re up and running with OLD. Its a good place to share experiences from others in same position and to ask advice

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4944000-dating-thread-244

I haven't had unsolicited pics or sexual messages at all. I am on Tinder and Bumble, I actually feel more comfortable with Tinder as men can message you. I know male friends love Bumble as "women are queuing up".

Thanks for this. Literally read the rules and I can see where some people struggle with OLD TBH.

Because it's a sea of people chatting to multiple people. In the back of your mind you are always questioning yourself if the other person is still chatting to other people even whilst you are dating. It's no way to build trust in a relationship which is key to any relationship.

I thought I'd give it a go a couple of weeks ago just to see if it's changed. The first message I got was "ur sexi" it was an immediate unmatch. Not only a shit opener but the spelling was atrocious.

I met one nice man when I did it the first time around. He was a decent guy, could never understand why he was on there, everyone who has met him said he was nice.

The horror stories I could write far outweigh the one nice man and for my own sanity I shall be giving it a swerve and never going back on it (may start volunteering at the local rugby and cricket clubs though 🤔).

There are gems in between the dross. I've met some lovely guys. There are those i got on well with, but there just wasn't any sexual chemistry. Some were arseholes. But I also met a couple of people who are very important to me, even if circumstances have meant we're not together. And even the bad dates can provide a funny anecdote.

I don't think it's so different from a bar in a lot of ways. It's just you're dealing with a larger pool of people - and in a bar, you probably mentally swipe no on quite a few when you see how they interact with their mates or the bar staff or something- it's just not as conscious a process, and you might not actually talk to them as you have to on OLD.

Just don't take it too seriously and enjoy the journey. If you end up with someone, great - but I think a lot of people have high expectations, especially if they want a serious relationship, but the point of dating is to see if someone is compatible and inevitably, quite a few of those you'll find put aren't- but it won't be clear till you've been out a couple of times. And to some extent, it's a numbers game. You might match well on the app, but face-to-face may not be so good. It's just how things are.

I used OLD for just over a year after my exh and I split. I was 34 at the time and really enjoyed it on the whole. Prepare yourself to be inundated with messages, but it's pretty easy to spot the pervs and weirdos and not engage with them. If I felt the talk was good with someone I would suggest meeting pretty quickly as I didn't love weeks of wasted chatter and then not feeling any chemistry in real life. I probably averaged 1 date a fortnight over that year unless I was attached, I had two longer term dating experiences lasting about 6 weeks each and then after a year I met my now partner.

We met via tinder text each other for a few days then went for a drink and 22 months later we are still together, and I am happier than I have ever been.

There are good ones out there- stick with it, be safe, and keep an open mind, I found tinder and bumble the best sites.

Wishing you lots of luck!

Set your standards high. Be absolutely clear what you want in a man and don't accept anyone ordinary or less than perfect

🤣🤣🤣🤣

My experience wasn’t that bad! I’ve never had a dick pic! Single again at 40 after 15 years with XH. I wanted to date again. Wasn’t necessarily looking for anything too serious but I’ve never been in to casual sex (no judgement for those who do, just I get too emotionally attached).
I was on OLD for 6 months, dated 6 men..a couple that I had two dates with. I did have younger men chasing and flirting which was flattering but didn’t lead to actual dates! You learn how to spot fake profiles, guys who want to sext (ask you to swap numbers quickly or if you have Snapchat). Make sure your profile is chatty but not overly busy. Make sure your photos are a mixture of selfies and photos taken by others. Avoid al group photos and include photos of you doing stuff. Personally I found Tinder and Ok Cupid awful..Tinder I had messages like ‘I like x photo, looks like you’re not wearing a bra’ and ‘Are you into kink?’ as first messages! I’d stick to Bumble and/or Hinge. Gentler! I met someone 6 months after I started and we’ve been together over a year. Not rushing into anything because it’s long distance, we both have kids and only got divorced last year but it’s nice to date, we enjoy each other’s company, we’ve done stuff like murder mystery nights, evening out adults only at a local zoo, visited stately homes and gradually introduced the kids.