OLD - why is it so bad?

[Cocacolacarrie]

I split with my ex after 20 years 12 months ago. I'd like to date again. I'm in my 40s. I have no desire to marry/live with a partner/have anymore kids. I could take or leave a relationship but to be blunt, I miss sex and physical intimacy.

My opportunities to meet someone IRL are limited. I WFH and I prefer not to date in work. Social circle is mostly female. Days I have the kids makes regular social activities and hobby groups etc difficult.

So I'm going to try OLD. But everyone tells me it is terrible for women of my age group. Men are all awful, cheating scumbags who send unsolicited dick picks. I can't help but think really? Is it really all that bad all of the time? On the other hand, one my of best friends met her soon to be husband on bumble after one date!

Am I being naive? What do I need to look out for?

OLD opened my eyes. You will get LOADS of sexual messages. Just be prepared. But good luck x

You'll be fine and i think you'll have lots of handsome men in their late 20s and after you as women their own age want commitment and babies

I’m 33 and find it awful. It’s just full of people who match then never speak, send sexual messages or want sex on a first date, obviously married men, men that aren’t over their ex’s, arrogant and ignorant men.

Theres the odd nice one, but for me I’ve found them hard to find.

I’ve also noticed I’m expected to carry the conversation a lot. And the men just don’t put any effort in whatsoever.

From what I hear for what you want it might be fine. Women in 40s who want relationships are avoided as men who want children date younger

It’s fine I honestly think people are OTT on MN but then it seems a lot of women really dislike men on here so no surprises really. Give it a go and try for yourself? Sounds like you only want something casual so I’m sure you will find that

It's just a breeding ground which attracts the lowlife of society. Most of the profiles are fake. It's the furthest thing imaginable from true love and romance.

Yes, I am expecting this TBH.

I used to work in call centres and you would not believe the amount of men who phoned up in the evenings just to be sex pests. 🙄

Give it a try and see for yourself. A few people strike lucky but for me it was an absolutely hideous experience and full of sleazy sex pests. I honestly have nothing positive to say about my time on OLD

🤣 sounds like there is hope after all!

I’m 55 and it’s exactly the same in my age group. Far too many sleazy creeps whose idea of an opening message is ‘cracking tits love’

Are there particular apps or sites that are worse than others?

Well I am definitely not interested in having any more kids! So fingers crossed.

I get your not wanting to date anyone from work or related to work. I agree with this as it can be very messy.

Hope other tips or some of them work for you.

POF is the worst for sleazy men. Try Bumble and Hinge.

Bumble women message first which filters out the unsolicited creeps.

I understand what you mean and I do sometimes wonder how many people who say it is awful are looking for the package of marriage and children etc.

I'm in my 30's and really enjoyed my OLD experience before meeting my now partner on there.

If you go into it with no expectations it will be fine.

I did get a lot of sexual messages but i just tended to ignore them. I met some really lovey guys and had some fantastic dates.

Im aware not everyone seems to have a positive experience though

I have worked with the same company for a very long time and there are lots of colleagues who date and marry. Unfortunately, when it all goes tits up, it then becomes office gossip. At worse, I've seen it actually stop people from promotions etc. Even the ones who do stay together, the women are referred to as 'So and So's wife', never recognised for their own merit.

Attracts the lowlife of society.

Does that include me?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Honestly it’s the easiest place to meet someone if you are over a certain age, I think people just exaggerate yeah sure there will be some crap men and weirdos but just have to filter those out, it’s a number game as they say and personally I would hate to meet someone through a friend/ at work etc

I enjoyed it! Met some lovely people and had some lovely adventures.

One man I dated off and on for a year and we're still good friends.

I met my now boyfriend on Tinder and we just celebrated our one year anniversary.

Be open to people and you'll likely meet some nice men.

Of course there are some perverts but I actually found most men sent me really lovely messages, and wanted to meet up asap.

Just go into it with no expectations, a very clear idea of what you want and what your boundaries are and keep your wits about you.

There are a lot of sleazy men on there, and loads that just want dirty messages or you to go to their house, with no intention of actually putting any effort into a proper conversation or a date. Make it clear in your profile what you are up for and what you won't tolerate.

I went back on the apps a couple of months ago and have met someone who seems genuinely nice and we have the exact type of relationship you describe, so it is possible. Just listen to your instincts and don't give anything that doesn't feel worth it any headspace.

Thank you. This has made me feel a bit more optimistic TBH. I do think I am quite level headed about it all. After my marriage ended, I am lot more pragmatic and realistic about relationships.

I did 9 months of app dating last year after being in a relationship for over ten years and having two small children.

I found it mainly enjoyable and had a lot of great experiences. I started off on a more casual dipping my toe in the water vibe so wasn’t searching for the one and I think that mindset helped keep it light and fun and not disheartening. My wants and needs changed as I went a long and after 9 months I met my now boyfriend. We’ve been together since October. I’m 39 and he is 35 and he is amazing (so far). Glad I dating lots before him to work out what I did and didn’t want and appreciate what I found in him.

I think you do need to feel good about yourself as there is a fair amount of low level rejection that you don’t want to take seriously. Also try and enjoy the process rather than focusing on an end result and then being disappointed whenever it doesn’t meet that. Finally it helps so much if you have a friend also doing it - people in relationships don’t get it and having another friend in the dating trenches with you to laugh and sense check with helps so much

If you're okay with sex and no serious commitment then its probably perfect to be honest. That's not a dig at all, just that the nature of online dating makes it challenging for those who want a deep and meaningful long term relationship..

It worked for me (so far). I'm a bit older than you when my multi decades long relationship ended and I went on Bumble. I wasn't looking for anything serious. Mainly just to meet people and have some interesting conversations. Sex wasn't out of the question if I fancied them.

I had my share of people who didn't message back and a handful where the conversation didn't flow but I also had some great text conversations and no sex pests. I selected mainly by bio because I was above all else, looking for interesting times. Having only had one other date (nice but no desire to repeat) I matched with my current partner. It was a good first date but I didn't feel any chemistry. However our online messaging was dynamite so we went on a second date and things sparked like crazy. We've been together a year and a half now.

Neither of us are low life scumbags (and nor is anyone else I know who's on there 🙄). I'm not sure if the process worked/was enjoyable for me because I was lucky to be on and off in about a month but the post from Rainsunrainsun resonates very strongly. I avoided anyone who said they were looking for 'the one' as that felt like a lot of pressure and a fast track to disappointment. I was determined to enjoy every encounter for whatever it was, but l happened to meet the guy I'm now discussing marriage with along the way ☺️