I feel I can't do this

[ThePersonIam90]

I am in my thirties (beginning/mid) and engaged to DP that I have been in a relationship with for a few years now. We have been engaged for about a year. He is in his thirties also but closer to forty. He tells me how he loves me and I believe this.

I don't know how happy I would be having a future with him. When we got engaged I believed we could have a good future. Now, I am not so sure. My DP and I have several differences. I would love to have a family, a good job and I love seeing friends. I enjoy exercising and going for walks. He has no interest in any of these things really.

He is a good man, kind and cares for me. I care for him so much too.

Whenever I bring up my feelings about the future though, they are dismissed. I don't know if this is the path that I want to take. I have been with him for a few years as I mentioned but it is incredibly difficult to speak with him about my feelings. It's just so hard.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I really need some advice. Thank you to anyone that replies xx

it is incredibly difficult to speak with him about my feelings

So leave. Otherwise you'll have a life that he wants, not the life that you want. You'll waste your life on him. So leave.

What does he want/like doing? Do you always have to do things that he wants?

Let me guess.

If he isn't interested in those things, he's either iinterested in gaming or drinking? And not really anything else beyond those things?

I agree that, if you stay with him, you'll end up living his life and not yours.

@StopStartStop I have tried to leave. I feel guilty about it though. I have tried saying things to him and tried to give my engagement ring back.

@2Old2Tango @GreyCarpet
He likes gaming and his PC. I'm not interested in that at all. Gaming and sitting at a desk is really the last thing I would want to do with my time and life.

When with him I like seeing friends. He can be alright with me seeing friends but has also told me how he isn't always happy about it. Sometimes I feel that I have to be there or I just feel guilty about being with others.

It doesn't sound like you are compatible. I imagine that in an ideal world you would like to end up going for family walks together with just him or him and future kids. If you stay with him, neither kids nor joint walks sounds like a plausible future.
It's really hard, but sometimes love is not enough and you do need actual compatibility to have a happy long term future. Without this resentment could build.
Especially if he is dismissive and difficult when you try to talk to him about this that are important to you. That is a whole separate issue on its own in fact. Either one of those problems on its own would be enough of a reason to end the relationship.
What about your happiness and the future you want?
Also if he is now starting to set limits on how much you're seeing friends but on the other hand he is not actually coming off the sofa to join you on some of your outings, that's bad. Is he expecting you to just hang around the house with him? If you are the type of person who wants to get out(side) in their free time, this could make you feel resentful and angry over time.

If a man wanted to leave you he would just go. He doesn't have to agree it's a good idea for you to leave him. Hes probably having a great time in this relationship As you clearly put him and his needs above your own.

Also you have lots of time to meet someone who does want a family with you there in no need to settle... not caring about my feelings sounds a lot like my ex and look at my username! :-(! Xx

When with him I like seeing friends. He can be alright with me seeing friends but has also told me how he isn't always happy about it. Sometimes I feel that I have to be there or I just feel guilty about being with others.

🚩 🚩 🚩 right there.
Do not marry this man.
He will make it so difficult for you to see friends you’ll stop doing it.
He will only want you to do his activities.
He will want you to live the life he chooses.

Age has nothing to do with it. He has controlling tendencies, and you have nothing in common anyway. So leave. You don’t need to discuss why, you don’t need to give a reason. You leave a note saying you’re incompatible, the relationship is over. The end.

@Allthewallsarewhite I agree, I don't think we are compatible anymore. I definitely would be going for joint walks as a family with children. I don't believe it will happen. Your post is spot on really.

@Allthewallsarewhite I don't think he is taking into consideration what I would like out of life and my future. I am putting that to one side for him. I don't know why.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I am so very sorry that your ex was like that. I hope you are able to have the life that you want and deserve Xx

You are right. I am still young and able to have the life and future that I wish for xx

@Andthereyougo I don't want to marry him. I'm finding it very difficult to part too. When I mention anything about it I will get questioned and told bluntly that I can leave. It's at that point that I will say that I don't want to leave. I feel like I'm going round in circles.
I agree about the seeing friends. I think that is controlling.

I think you’re a bit too young (at any age) to give up on yourself and your life…

Did you meet him when you were 20s and early/mid-30s? People can mature a lot between those ages and, especially if you want to have children, as a woman your perspective can change a lot.

You also can see a big shift in a partner after a little while living with them - things you didn’t really notice before or weren’t an issue can become problematic. Sometimes men’s behaviour alters and they settle into treating you as something they ‘have’ - not in a good way.

His comments about you going out are 🚩🚩. The tone of your post and the fact that you’ve tried ending things unsuccessfully suggest one or a combination of the following:

• that you don’t feel able to assert yourself,
• lack of confidence/self worth,
• you feeling a lot of guilt about saying what you want,
• you feeling it’s your job to take care of his feelings and needs at the expense of your own,
• a hopelessness about what might happen to you without him.

Perhaps he has talked you round or said all the right things to make you think you shouldn’t follow through. Perhaps you’ve not been sure in yourself of what you want.

I really highly recommend ready Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It may reasonate with you and help you decide what kind of life you want going forward.

If it doesn’t then it’s still a very useful read, and the fact remains that you aren’t convinced by the relationship enough to confidently commit to a lifetime of more of the same.

The best advice I can give is that, when you decide what you want (in the situation you’re describing and assuming I’m not a million miles out so far), do NOT make what you want or what you have decided to do a conversation, a question or a request.

It might be that you want to have minimum 1x date night a week and 1x nights out seeing friends by yourself. It might be that you are leaving.

But whatever you want, say what it is and follow through. Band aid? Rip it off.

If you’re leaving, make a plan, tell him and leave. If you want specific changes ask him for them and decide how long you’re prepared to give it to see if they help. Stick to it.

It sounds as though he has been steering the ship a bit and you need to know that you are fully deserving of all that you want in life. You won’t achieve any of it (or only at great personal cost) if you have to do everything dragging the weight of a relationship along behind you. A loving relationship should be a buoyancy aid, not an anchor!

Believe in yourself and keep talking to, and spending time with, as many people as possible who also believe in you. Anyone who doesn’t, bin. Good luck 💐

Ask yourself this - add a baby into your relationship and who do you think will be caring for it the most, doing the paperwork regarding HV, school etc, pickups, extra laundry/food, the night wakes. And because of the exhaustion from it all will the other do the cleaning and shopping so the main night carer can rest? Or are you fully confident it will be exactly 50/50?

Imo, the way you describe your relationship i can see this happening - One person will be ecstatic that you can't leave the house to meet friends, one person will be depressed, have anxiety and feeling trapped. Get out while you can.

I'm really sorry, but if he doesn't care about what you want out of life, then he doesn't love you.
Add to that you don't actually want to marry him, but just entertaining the idea out of a misplaced feeling of obligation perhaps? You absolutely don't have to marry him or stay with him for any reason. You owe him nothing.

Add to that the fact that all he says to your concerns is that you can leave rather than trying to work through things so you both feel fulfilled and happy in the relationship.
I think you should do just that (leave).
Please don't betray yourself by marrying him.

Be honest here OP, are you hoping that by saying you want to leave, he will miraculously change into the man you want him to be? Is that why you are reluctant to leave?

I'll tell you now, he won't change. All that will happen is if and when you do have kids, the differences between you will become more apparent and harder to live with. Leave now.

@samqueens Yes, we met when in late twenties and mid thirties. I have always wanted to have a family.
You're right about my perspective changing. I don't think he wants them as much as me now. That is a deal breaker. I couldn't bring children up without him being fully committed to them or me.

The some reasons I feel I'm ending things unsuccessfully are;

• I don't want to hurt him
• I feel guilty when I try to say anything about any feelings or future
• I feel bad admitting that I want to leave
• My confidence

He makes me think I should go back on what I say and I will say to myself another time.

Recently when I tried I was told that another path without him was "silly ideas."

I bought the book you recommended last night.

I do need to surround myself with people who believe in me and believe in myself too.

Thank you Xx

@AutumnFroglets I don't think adding a baby to the relationship would be a good idea at all. It would be wrong.

I agree with you when you say that the relationship will just become more complicated. I would feel depressed, anxiety and trapped. He would be ecstatic.

@Allthewallsarewhite Yes, I do feel the obligation to marry him. I get spoken to about commitment from him. This makes the guilt worse.
I can't keep going back and forth with my feelings about my own life just told how they're "silly ideas" and it makes me feel they're unrealistic.
I know they aren't unrealistic at all. I need to tell myself that.

@Cocacolacarrie I know he won't change. I'm not saying it because I think it will happen. He will never change.
I am telling him this because I want him to know. I don't want to hurt him by leaving or feel upset.

You are poles apart and he's relying on your insecurity to keep you where he wants you.
You need to put yourself first. Really sit and think about your life and how you want it to look. Then think if you can see your partner being a part of that.
You aren't responsible for him but you are responsible for yourself.

@Cocacolacarrie I'm not reluctant to leave. It is just difficult to do for me. I do want to and I'm trying.

@rainbowstardrops
He isn't part of it. I have done this. I keep telling myself how I know it's my life. I shouldn't put him first and I can't look after him. I can look after myself and have my own life.
I don't know why I'm so insecure and worried. I also know that I am brave.

@rainbowstardrops You're absolutely right when you say that I'm not responsible for him but I am responsible for myself.

You say

He is a good man, kind and cares for me. I care for him so much too.

Then everything you've said about him shows he isn't such a good man. He certainly doesn't care for you as you think he does. If he cared, he would want you to be happy; he wouldn't dismiss your feelings; he would think your opinions and feelings were sills; he wouldn't try to control you; he wouldn't try to stop you seeing your friends; he would respect feelings as important as his own.

You would be able to speak to him honestly if he was a good match for you.

He comes across as uncaring and controlling. I suspect he's only a 'good man' when he gets his own way. That isn't a good man, in fact it's the opposite.

Even if you can't accept he's controlling (which he clearly is), you have to accept that you're not compatible. You like very different things. You can already see that a future with him would make you unhappy. You want different things out of life. As he's an entitled, controlling, selfish person, he thinks you should change your life to fit in with his. He thinks you should shut up about your feelings, forget your own hopes and dreams, and mould yourself around him.

If you stay with him, he will get worse not better. He will become more controlling, your feelings will count for nothing, your whole life will centre around him, you'll stop doing the things you love, you'll eventually lose any sense of who YOU are. And you'll look back and think 'I could see this coming before I committed to him. Why did I let this happen?' By then you may be 'trapped' financially or with children that make the situation much more complicated.

Right now, you can walk away without such complications and without wasting any more years of your PRECIOUS life on someone who puts himself above you in all things.

You can walk away from someone just because you want to. They don't have to agree.

You can walk away from someone because you aren't compatible - it's the right thing to do for both parties.

You SHOULD walk away from someone because they are controlling. You owe him nothing. He's put hinmself first all along. It's time for you to put YOU first. Do you think HE feels guilty when he dismisses your feelings and disregards your happiness? He's the one who should feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong, other than stay with the wrong man once you realised he's wrong for you.

Life is precious. I beg you not to stay with someone out of politeness or misplaced guilt.

He says you should stay as you committed to him. Well, you haven't legally committed to him yet. And even if you had - you can leave someone you married if it isn't working anymore. There is no logic in saying once you've said you'll be with someone you have to stay forever. There would be an awful lot of people stuck with cheats, addicts and abusers if that were the case. Of course you can leave any time you like. He will try to convince you otherwise because, as always, he acts only in his own best interests.