I feel I can't do this

[ThePersonIam90]

I am in my thirties (beginning/mid) and engaged to DP that I have been in a relationship with for a few years now. We have been engaged for about a year. He is in his thirties also but closer to forty. He tells me how he loves me and I believe this.

I don't know how happy I would be having a future with him. When we got engaged I believed we could have a good future. Now, I am not so sure. My DP and I have several differences. I would love to have a family, a good job and I love seeing friends. I enjoy exercising and going for walks. He has no interest in any of these things really.

He is a good man, kind and cares for me. I care for him so much too.

Whenever I bring up my feelings about the future though, they are dismissed. I don't know if this is the path that I want to take. I have been with him for a few years as I mentioned but it is incredibly difficult to speak with him about my feelings. It's just so hard.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I really need some advice. Thank you to anyone that replies xx

Sorry for typo in third para - should have said 'wouldn't think your opinions and feelings were silly'

You can edit

But I agree totally with what you've said

He says you should stay as you committed to him

Hi OP, if that argument had any validity people would never change jobs, relationships, opinions or political parties (to name a few). And yet they do that all the time. Your DP is taking full advantage of your insecurity to lock you into a relationship that suits him and where he calls the shots.

And on a purely subjective level when someone starts telling me what I 'should' do my visceral reaction is 'oh yeah? who made you the ruler of my life?'

That's good you have imagined how bad life would look with a baby.

Now ask yourself why would you stay with a man you can't have a child with. A child you actually want in your future. What is the point of your relationship with this man if he can't be supportive of your (natural and realistic) hopes and dreams?

EDIT - Have you considered doing The Freedom Programme? I see it recommended to women with low self esteem and no boundaries all the time, otherwise see your GP and ask for some counselling.

Op you say your reasons not to leave are -

• I don't want to hurt him but it's ok for you to be hurt DURING the relationship
• I feel guilty when I try to say anything about any feelings or future but he doesn't feel guilty about your feelings or not having the same ideas for your future
• I feel bad admitting that I want to leave he doesn't feel bad that you want to leave
• My confidence your confidence will improve the moment you break up with him

I had similar reservations 15 years ago and ended up married with 2dc who I parented completely on my own, with no input from him at all. He completely isolated me from my friends and family in exactly the same way your fiance is doing to you.

He. Does. Not. Give. A. Shit. About. You.

You need to leave. Now. Before it gets even more complicated and difficult to leave.

@ThePersonIam90 thats really good news, I think it’s going to provide a lot of insight into where you’re at right now…
Just please make sure you read discretely, it’s not one to tell him about

That would be 'desperation'. And I don't mean that in a condemning way.

Women quite often absorb society's messages that we are nothing without a man, and that if we negate ourselves completely, a man will love us. Self-sacrifice, service, maintaining other people's lives - these are expected of us.

And it's crap, rubbish, bollocks, abusive, even when it isn't personal.

It's also fear. It takes great courage to strike out alone in a world set up for pairs. But do it anyway. Please.

I don't think he is taking into consideration what I would like out of life and my future
Too right he isn't. And he won't. So stop hoping for him to change beyond recognition, pack your bag and get your arse out of there.

Be extra careful about your contraception from now on. As soon as he senses you're getting away, he'll try to make you pregnant to bring you back in line. Then blame you for it.

@perfectcolourfound @MrsDanversGlidesAgain I agree with this. Life is precious and shouldn’t be lived for someone else. You’re right that I can walk away now. There aren’t any complications regarding children being involved.
Him saying that I have made a commitment to him and he has to me. You’re right it doesn’t work. Nobody would be able to change anything about themselves or their lives if that was the case.

@AutumnFroglets There is no reason for me to stay. I will always want children and always have. I’m not sure that I knew about The Freedom Programme.

@BloodyAdultDC When you put it like that I can see very plainly how much I care and how much he does. It’s very obvious when written that way. He doesn’t.

Tell him how you feel and that you are prepared to leave the relationship if he doesn't want to make changes. If he still dismisses the issue, leave. You deserve better. I know it won't be easy but ask yourself.....is this what you want for a future? Wishing you the best of luck and be strong.

@StopStartStop I know you don’t mean it in a condemning way. Society sends a lot of extremely negative messages for women and expectations.
I also agree with fear too.

@samqueens I am being discreet. I don’t believe he notices me when he’s gaming at all anyway. I am still being careful.

@imjusthereforthegin Yes, I have tried to talk with him. This is definitely not what I want for my future or present. I will be strong, thank you xx

I haven't done this but it's often suggested on this board for those who are struggling to be heard in a relationship. The Freedom Programme explains how to strengthen your boundaries, to give you the self confidence to ask for what you need. To be seen. (Can be done after you have left).
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

If you feel it's too much then please see if your GP practice allows self referral for counselling. Otherwise make an appointment with the GP. You sound defeated and that is not a normal response to such a short engagement.

@ThePersonIam90 while you are staying miserable with this man, you are not available to meet someone who DOES actually love and care about you. Time is passing - don’t waste this precious life! Do you actually live with him? Can you leave and stay with friends or family?

@AutumnFroglets Thank you, I do feel defeated. I don’t want to give up on my life. I can’t do that. I hope The Freedom Programme can help. Thank you for recommending it and sending the link too xx

@goody2shooz We don’t live together. I stay with him. Yes, I would love to find someone who would love and care for me. Life is precious and I can’t live the way I am forever. I don’t want to look back and think about how I was aware of how I felt but didn’t do anything. I know that will be the case. I already do so. I just don’t want to prolong the time I live this way.

I would honestly end it, you know in your gut that he's not the one for you. Having no interests will get worse as you are together longer and you'll basically drift apart/live separate lives

But you NEED to leave
So when he says leave, do it
Start a new life for yourself
Obviously see a solicitor to sort out finances too

@ThePersonIam90 well, if you don’t live with him, just take any stuff you have at his place, go back to your own place and message him that you’re done, was nice knowing him, and final goodbye. Then go and have a real life instead of hoping that a uncaring gamer who can’t be assed to do anything fun with you will all of a sudden transform into the man you really want him to be. This is who he is, and he won’t get better. RUN!

Yes, I will leave. It will be as soon as I can. In what instances would I need a solicitor? One more thing makes it difficult. I am fine with telling in DM if anyone wants to know.

I left him. I feel so free and I am safe. Thank you everyone xx