Please tell me your experience of hiring a private investigator

[badgergirl5]

Not sure whether to post in Relationships or elsewhere - please let me know if there might be a better place.
Has anyone ever hired a PI for the purpose of catching a cheating spouse? What did they do for you?
I have strong suspicions my husband has cheated. I know her name and contact details. I don’t think they meet regularly and I don’t think it’s much more than sex - what could a PI find? Would they only be able to watch him? Or could they search mobile phone history/ see if he’s called her? Or look at his emails?

If you have her contact details wouldn’t it be better to contact her? Even if it’s from a fake profile or 2nd sim? Maybe she doesn’t know he has a spouse

She definitely knows. My other thread is on AIBU with all the details.

Firstly I’m so sorry, iv been where you are and it’s horrendous, all consuming. I did contact a PI. They can’t access phones, explained that things like WhatsApp is encrypted and I think only police can actually get into phones. Also for me, because I couldn’t pin point when or where he was meeting her, they said that whilst they can follow and watch, it is better to be sure about when they are meeting so obviously more chance of finding them whereas mine was a bit of a stab in the dark. In the end, I took it upon myself because it was eating me alive and after a number of attempts I hit the jackpot and found him with her, miles from home, and confronted them. It was awful yet I was also in no doubt going forwards as to whether I was right or not. He let me think I was going mad. This by the way, was the woman he had already had an affair with 12 months earlier and we stayed together. Safe to say we are no longer.

I’m so sorry @Letsdocoffee
How long ago was this? Did he fight for you and has he stayed with her since?

My situation is similar, in that this is the same woman he “nearly” cheated with 8 years ago. She reappeared in his life 2 years ago and they started having text contact again, and god knows what else. She doesn’t live close and that’s how I know they don’t meet regularly. It would be hard to catch them.

I think you do also get a gut instinct too, I did all along. I realised there was a pattern with their WhatsApp’s always being on and offline at the same minute. I could literally watch them having a conversation, this went on for a month before I caught them. he tried to tell me it was for closure and not what I thought but for me it was the lying again, I couldn’t get past that. The deceit again. We separated in April in the end and are about to sell the house. I think I was so compelled to follow him because I just had to know if he was doing it. He said he wasn’t having contact with her but I knew differently. I guess if she lives a way away, will you know when he is therefore going there, does he go there for work or does he just lie as to where he is and therefore you can’t pinpoint??? Xx

I’m glad you managed to catch them and got solid proof. I’m sure it was horrific but it also allowed you to move on.

I don’t think he ever goes there. She comes to our home city occasionally for work meetings and I think they meet during the day. He has been buying her gifts and sending them to her home address for the last 2 years. He also refused to let me see the WhatsApp conversation between them and deleted it from his phone. He won’t recover it even though he says it would prove they weren’t actually having an affair. So you can see why I don’t believe him!

About 15 years ago it would have been possible to obtain via a PI a wide array of info; health data, financial, insurance claims, etc, for around £1,500 - £3,000 depending on the targets lifestyle. It would take about 4-6 weeks. The findings would have been delivered through phone conferences. I was staggered about some of the info available from a network of people within the NHS, post office, banks etc. GDPR regs plus tighter internet security means these types of service are no more.

Surveillance in the field is still possible but it is expensive and not very efficient if someone is good at covering their tracks or there are non-routine movements.

I've hired a private Investigator to follow someone to find out if they were working. It wasn't cheap though. If you know specific dates when they might be meeting you could hire someone to follow him then, but it would be very expensive to have someone follow him every day 'just in case'.

Firstly I am so sorry you are in this awful situation. It’s unbearable.

I mean this kindly, I really do: if I were you I would keep your money in your pocket.

Sending secret gifts for the past two years is more than enough evidence of a totally inappropriate ongoing relationship between your husband and another woman.

Deleting their conversation despite knowing you would want to see it, is more than enough evidence of a totally inappropriate relationship between your husband and another woman. Nobody needs to hide or delete normal conversations.

If a private detective caught him meeting her, you would just have one more very expensive piece of evidence that your husband is having a totally inappropriate relationship with another woman.

Nobody wants to believe it when they find out, OP, nobody. Or we don’t want it to be as bad as it is, or we want to find a believable excuse for it. It’s normal to feel that way.
However, it would still be just as hard to get your head round it as it already is, even if a private detective told you they’d met up.

If you need that for closure then I understand, and I certainly don’t blame or judge you for doubting anything and everything, I know I did.
Just be kind to yourself and set boundaries around what is and isn’t ok for you. And stick to them. He either complies with what you want or your relationship is over. You might decide you know enough for it to be over anyway, and that’s OK too.
I just don’t think money spent on a private detective is going to tell you anything that deep down you don’t already know. The important thing isn’t finding out more of the same stuff, it’s what you decide to do now. Sending virtual support your way OP. X

I remember watching a programme about private investigators.

One of them said when women hired them to see if the husband was cheating, they were always right.

the other option that is used by some intelligence services and i believe the public can hire them are honey pots services, basically they will attempt to seduce your partner and gather the evidence so you know if the would cheat

You really shouldnt post this. Its really dangerous info that can be used by abusive partners.

I've hired one in the past for a different reason - to track down a child abuser.

He wasn't that great tbh. Make sure you check their qualifications, agree a price limit and they give you an outline of their expenditure.

What would you gain by knowing more than you already do? Keep your money and prepare your exit.

a more efficient service would be the honey pot ones, then you dont need to know if he has cheated , if instead he would cheat, then either way a cheater is a cheater, plus in theory they need to follow the countries laws so unless they broke them, then they cannot legally hack messages etc

the better option would be teaching yourself the skills of being a spy etc to catch him

If he’s sending gifts, etc… surely that’s all you need. Why else is he romancing her?