Splitting custody

[bamummy2]

Me and DH have decided to separate, no cheating or wrong doing just different people not working as a couple/family anymore.
He has said he wants 50/50 custody. I’m really struggling with the idea of not having my 3 children for half of the time.
I’m currently a stay at home mum and have been for the last 10 years. My youngest is 3.
How likely is it that custody would be split 50/50? I am 100% up for a custody split but I just feel like it would be a massive shift for everyone if me and the kids were suddenly 50%. Can I fight this? I have no other reason other then I really will struggle without them and them with me, they are close to their dad but I’ve always been their main caregiver. He’s no way provided 50% of their care up until this point.

Who is going to mind the kids when he is working if he does 50/50? I think he wants 50/50 in order not to pay you any maintenance, but maybe I am wrong.

I think the starting point should be 50/50 but then he needs to lay out what his plans are when he’s working and how he will work around the 50%, as will you.

I’ve yet to hear of a 50/50 split that is truly 50/50.

What usually happens is one parent (always the mum) ends up making sure the kids have clean clothes, they have everything they need for school when at the other parents house, mum buys cards and gifts for parties, mum provides fancy dress/cakes/tombola for whatever the school happens to be fundraising for that week, mum still sorts GP and hospital appointments, etc, etc and mum always ends up continuing to carry the mental load.

Often dad will find another woman to take over the shitwork of looking after his kids, and that helps mum out a little, but still not truly 50/50.

Tell him he can start taking care of his children 50% of the week from Monday while you’re job hunting.

I think if he is up for 50/50 then I'd say it would be accepted. Of course logistically he'd really need to think it through with school hols etc but it's doable for him especially if he employs additional childcare support.
It may also be good for you, I appreciate its a massive change but ultimately you will need to think about getting back to work so I'd say this may give you some opportunity to either build skills or start looking at part time jobs.
This could be positive

This is so accurate it's scary!

The fact that you are splitting up is what’s going to be most disruptive to your DC. Knowing they will see both parents an equal amount of time may be very reassuring for them.

He would get 50/50.
Make sure it’s fair though. He can’t have every weekend or collect the kids from yours at 6pm (after work) as it’s his night. If Wednesday is his day then he is responsible for paying childcare and collecting them from childcare whether it’s after school club, holiday club (during school holidays) or nursery.
If he’s reasonable he might agree to a few months transition to 50/50 but unless any children are 12 or over, you should accept that it’s inevitable.

I’m not sure you can object to 50:50 on the basis that you don’t want to not see your meds that much, while expecting him to not see them for even more time tbh

I'd say to him that if you do agree to 50/50 you'd want set days each week so it's clear who is responsible on those days. So for example mon-tue mum, wed-thu dad, alternate weekends. Something like that as an example. Then if the kids are sick it's the parent whose day it is has to leave work to take care of them. They are responsible for providing clothes including uniforms on their days. They have to pay for childcare on their days.

Don't offer every weekend (you never get any fun days with them).

Don't suggest alternate weeks (hard to divvy up childcare costs and who has them when they're ill etc). Both will be shit for you.

Lots more dads seem to have 50/50 now as a means to avoid paying maintenance. I know that sounds cynical but I see it time and time again in single parent support groups. The mum is still expected to fund everything, organise everything, take the hit if the kids are sick, the dad's grandparents or new girlfriend are roped in for the wife work etc.

If a dad genuinely wants to do half of EVERYTHING fair enough. But most of them don't. 🙄

How does he propose he will manage childcare around his job? Has he looked at what is available and how much it would cost him? Is his job flexible, and understanding to parents if they need to leave when their children are ill?

So he said from the start he wants 50/50 so there are no maintenance payments.
His job is flexible, he works for himself so he could work it for the older 2 but it would mean the kids doing long school days. Don’t know how he thinks he could do a pre schooler who currently only does 6 hours a week.
He has been the only earner since we’ had kids. Apart from the house we share (which is mortgage free but I’d imagine we’d have to sell) I have nothing so he knows I will be a lot worse .

Eugh, so he’s open about wanting 50:50 out of spite, then. Take him at his word, then. You do not pack a bag for your kids when he’s parenting them, you do not remind him of appointments or provide anything, do not be the default parent, do not pick up his slack.

You urgently need to get a job, and look into where you’ll live once the house is sold.

You may be glad for 50/50 when you go back to work as you'll need childcare too. I'm assuming you will need to go back to work?

How old are the kids? What do they want?

If they want 50/50 then you not agreeing because you're not wanting to be away from them isn't fair. If he is willing to do a true 50/50 let him, sounds like he hasn't done his share up until now (unless that's because he's worked too I don't know). He might change his mind when he realises what you do.

Have you had legal advice about finances and the house?! Please do so pronto if you haven't already.

I feel completely out of my depth and don’t really know where to start with all the legal things.
I need to phone someone for advice as a starting point I think.
The kids would really struggle with 50/50. They’re used to me doing everything. I don’t think he will stick to 50/50 anyway. I just thought he’d be more considerate about the change for the kids.

To be honest I think they need to do away with the idea that no maintenance is paid if custody is split 50/50 when there’s such a big discrepancy in earnings. It gives the (usually) father too much power.

Custody of my children is not split 50/50. Their dad only has them EOW, so 3 nights a fortnight. On these weekends he picks them up at 8pm on a Friday and returns then at 8am on a Monday so I’m still doing after school Friday and before school Monday. The kids hate the disruption but he claims his 3 nights to keep his maintenance down when he’s really only dealing with them for one proper night.

Tell him you want a full plan straight away for how it'll work. Then tell him the plan is in place straight away as you need to job hunt. Ask his plan for the youngest also. Where is he going to be living?

So we are fortunate in that our house is worth quite a lot of money and we don’t have a mortgage on it so we were thinking if we sold that we should both be able to buy a smaller property.
I then obviously need to find a job to pay for bills and living costs. Not sure how long it would take to sell and if he will move out before then or not. But I am starting the job hunt.

If his work is flexible then surely there isn't a reason why not.

What's your plans for work OP? You appreciate time away from your DC when you need him for childcare.

I’m going to try and find something in a school or local pre school.
I worked in childcare before having kids and I can only see a term time job working. Otherwise I will spend most of my wages on childcare!

I think we need to stop automatically thinking a father wanting a fair amount of time with his children is to avoid paying child maintenance! Of course this is the case for some father's, but not all.
Don't forget if you claim universal credits you get up to 70% of your child care costs back. I would look into what benefits you may be untitled to.

Remember that you're both parents with parenting responsibility for school holidays. I'd explore other options that may attract a higher salary.

OP - for starters - do not agree to anything related to financials without getting advice.
Do NOT put the house on the market, or go along with any proposed sales.
As your earning power is different, your share of marital assets can be more than 50%.

Secondly - you also don’t have to agree to 50/50 child arrangements split. Not at this point anyway.
When my H (now ex) said he wanted 50/50 - and at that point I also was a SAHM for years - I said he’ll need to actually demonstrate it works, that he can do it.
I also said it’ll have to mean ALL child related tasks - not just the fun bits. So - I was going to make a list of everything involved - medical, clothing, footware, playdates, activities, supplies, crafts, mental load, etc and he was going to take half of it as HIS responsibility.
He didn’t think about it before - but when i laid it out - he realised he can’t really take it on with his job.

And in general - i said i will fight for what is best for the kids and he’ll have to prove in court it’s better for kids to be with a nanny rather than me. He knew i meant it.

With my ex - it wasn’t an attempt to avoid maintenance - it was because he was scared to lose his kids.

So - i suggested a flexible schedule that will give him quality time, taking into account his work pattern. And i have always been flexible to facilitate contact.

Next point - depending on his income - you may be able to get some maintenance while you are re-entering workforce and while your youngest is in primary.

As much as possible - the court tries to leave divorcing spouses in similar financial position. Which includes assets, and takes into account pensions and earning potential.

So - his ability to get a mortgage post split, for eg - is something you won’t have as your income will be lower and you’ll be only part time while youngest in small. This are some of the reasons women get a larger than 50% share of assets, for eg.
He may also need to pay child maintenance - if he is above CMS threshold.

There are many nuances to the financial settlements - so - don’t assume the worst just yet, and don’t agree anything.
Tell him - it’ll all have to be done properly with solicitors involved.
Don't let him bully you into anything!!!!
He probably will try - they all do.

I don’t get why alternative weeks would be worse than the kids having two days with mum, two with dad. That sounds horribly disruptive and more for the benefit of the parents than the kids. Not sure anyone would want to shift houses every two days 🤷‍♀️

"I don’t get why alternative weeks would be worse than the kids having two days with mum, two with dad. That sounds horribly disruptive and more for the benefit of the parents than the kids. Not sure anyone would want to shift houses every two days 🤷‍♀️"

I think it depends on the kids too but personally both of mine would hate to go a full week without seeing either parent and both of us parents would hate that too.

But every family is different and what works for one won't necessarily work for another.

I do think it's important OP thinks about things like division of childcare costs and responsibilities very thoroughly though. One week with each parent may make childcare bills tricky for example. Or if the kids want to do clubs out of school will both parents committ to taking them on their weeks and who will pay the fees for them etc. whereas if each parent has some "set" days each week that individual parent can decide on clubs and activities on their days.

I often see dad's wanting 50/50 to dodge maintenance but mum still ends up paying for most of the clothes, shoes, activities, etc and being the fallback parent when the kids are ill.

If he’s a higher earner then you can get spousal support for a couple of years until you’re on your feet. Talk to a solicitor.

I should add, I don't have a 50/50 arrangement but my ex is an active and involved parent. Does overnights, sees the kids lots, we get on, we are amicable about swapping our calendars around if it benefits the kids etc. We live close to each other. Walking distance from each others houses and school.

I think the goal is going to be different for every family set up. But the aim should be that the kids feel secure and loved, in a routine, and provided for by both parents.