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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wanting to leave partner

30 replies

RP1176 · 09/02/2024 21:21

I’m coming to the realisation that my relationship isn’t working and I don’t want to be with my partner anymore. We have a 3 month old together and I have a child from a previous relationship. My partner has never prioritised me or our relationship or family. He has always wanted to go out a lot and if I have ever asked him not to, for example if I was unwell during pregnancy, he has gotten really angry and it has ended in terrible arguments. Once during pregnancy I got admitted to hospital for heart issues and he was pacing up and down desperate for them to get me a bed so he could leave to go for dinner with his friend…. I pay the vast majority of household bills and have had to go back to work already after giving birth as we couldn’t afford me to be off any longer. I do pretty much everything around the house and he just wants to be out and about with friends and family. I know the relationship is making me miserable and I feel like I’m letting my kids down by staying but equally it’s so hard to leave. Does anyone have any encouragement or advice? I’m scared of being lonely but equally know that’s irrational because he’s hardly home anyway and when he is he’s just complaining about how much he wishes he was out doing XYZ.

OP posts:
Songiii · 09/02/2024 21:22

Get out. Life’s too short to be with a man that doesn’t even provide for you or care when you’re in hospital

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2024 21:26

Yes, you have to split up. What’s your housing situation? Are you on maternity and going back to work? Do you have other support?

He sounds like he’s always been crap and he wasn’t going to improve with a baby, while your life was going to get much harder.

Bin him and don’t look back.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2024 21:26

Hopefully your baby has your surname?

Pinkie89 · 09/02/2024 21:28

I was 1000% sure I didn’t want to be with my daughter’s dad but it took me years to leave. It’s not easy at the time but now I look back and wonder why I wasted years of my life with someone I didn’t love. Don’t make the same mistake. It sounds like life will be a lot easier without him around, he’s dragging you down.

Original poster
RP1176 · 09/02/2024 21:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2024 21:26

Yes, you have to split up. What’s your housing situation? Are you on maternity and going back to work? Do you have other support?

He sounds like he’s always been crap and he wasn’t going to improve with a baby, while your life was going to get much harder.

Bin him and don’t look back.

I’m already back at work. I had to stop breastfeeding in order to go back because I pay over 2/3 of our household expenses so we simply cannot afford for me to be off work. The house we live in belongs to me so that’s not an issue. It’s more the thought of being a single parent again but this time to two kids and also I’m ashamed to admit but I sadly still love him 😞

OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 09/02/2024 21:29

Have you discussed your concerns with him ?

Original poster
RP1176 · 09/02/2024 21:34

Tigertigertigertiger · 09/02/2024 21:29

Have you discussed your concerns with him ?

Yes we have had the discussion over and over and he gets angry and defensive. He says I’m controlling for wanting him to be with our family a bit more. But recently I’ve started to see that actually most relationships aren’t like this and he’s actually the problem. Case in point, he’s gone out tonight with friends and one of them text to cancel last minute as his partner is pregnant and not feeling well so he’s staying home to look after her. My partner says this is out of order and you shouldn’t cancel on mates last minute. It made my heart hurt a bit to hear that there are actually men who prioritise their partners and would simply cancel a night out to care for them if they’re unwell. He’s had me convinced I was expecting too much

OP posts:
Original poster
RP1176 · 09/02/2024 21:40

Forgot to mention i recently found out he’d been messaging hundreds of other women on Snapchat and other websites as well as paying for cam girls. It had been going on throughout my pregnancy and after having the baby. He says I’m 50% to blame for him doing that because of how I treat him and because we argued a lot during the pregnancy

OP posts:
Pinkie89 · 09/02/2024 22:10

RP1176 · 09/02/2024 21:40

Forgot to mention i recently found out he’d been messaging hundreds of other women on Snapchat and other websites as well as paying for cam girls. It had been going on throughout my pregnancy and after having the baby. He says I’m 50% to blame for him doing that because of how I treat him and because we argued a lot during the pregnancy

Urghh. Why are you still with this man. You are not asking for much, you’re asking for the bare minimum and he can’t even give you that. You and your children are clearly not his priority.
Being a single mum of two isn’t easy, but it will be easier than your current situation!

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/02/2024 22:25

This is not a normal healthy relationship OP. This man is manipulating you into believing his abuse is your fault.
You sound very unhappy

Original poster
RP1176 · 09/02/2024 22:29

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/02/2024 22:25

This is not a normal healthy relationship OP. This man is manipulating you into believing his abuse is your fault.
You sound very unhappy

I’m honestly miserable. Because of the online cheating thing it’s added another difficult element for him going out so much as I now don’t trust him so im sat at home a nervous wreck while he’s out. He doesn’t text me to reassure me while he’s out even though he knows I’m anxious about it. He has gone out tonight and said he’d be home by 10 and it’s now 10:30 and I’ve heard nothing from him. So I just have to sit here like a nervous wreck or keep texting him which he says is me being abusive

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 09/02/2024 22:29

You say you love him but he doesn’t even like you.

What exactly do you love about what he is bringing to your day to day life?

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/02/2024 23:04

That feeling you have for him isn't love you know. Think of the love that you feel for your baby and how pure and simple it is. It's reciprocated too and that makes you feel really happy.

When you are with this man or thinking about him then your overriding feeling is unhappiness. That means it cannot be love. Love is something that makes you feel great, not miserable.

Think of it as an addiction. You are used to him and you are frightened of being without him. Quite honestly I would rather be on my own than sitting looking at the clock and worrying about what my boyfriend was up to.

It's worth noting as well that although he only pays one third of the bills, he seems to be spending an awful lot of money doesn't he?

GrazingSheep · 09/02/2024 23:14

How old is your older child?

Original poster
RP1176 · 09/02/2024 23:15

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/02/2024 23:04

That feeling you have for him isn't love you know. Think of the love that you feel for your baby and how pure and simple it is. It's reciprocated too and that makes you feel really happy.

When you are with this man or thinking about him then your overriding feeling is unhappiness. That means it cannot be love. Love is something that makes you feel great, not miserable.

Think of it as an addiction. You are used to him and you are frightened of being without him. Quite honestly I would rather be on my own than sitting looking at the clock and worrying about what my boyfriend was up to.

It's worth noting as well that although he only pays one third of the bills, he seems to be spending an awful lot of money doesn't he?

Yes you’re right. I am fed up of watching the clock wondering when he’ll be home and where he’s been. I am sick of feeling totally alone when I have a partner who should be here to support me. He’s text to say he’s on his way home now at 11:15 when he was supposed to be home at 10. We have a newborn baby. It’s not like a life for me it’s just an existence

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 09/02/2024 23:16

Just cut your losses and get rid of him.

ExpectantEs · 09/02/2024 23:20

I know the feeling of the anxiety you have about when he's out, or what he's doing on his phone etc

I'm just here to say, my ex has left me whilst pregnant and whilst I thought my life was going to be over, the sheer peace that singleness has brought me is amazing.

A previous poster said it isn't love, it's an addiction you're feeling. This is true, it's a trauma bond. Trust me, as someone who is on the other side, about to be a single mum, life is much better without the anxiety of this sort of relationship.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I know it can feel really consuming x

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/02/2024 23:21

I wouldn't say anything to him tonight but I would certainly be getting my plans in order. I'm so sorry for you, this should be a lovely time with a new baby.

dontwantbenefits · 09/02/2024 23:22

Leave now and don't look back because life is short trust me. Yes it will be hard but then you always alone anyway. Make up your mind, get yourself and kids into a routine, include your hobbies in your routine if possible. Have you got any support around like family or friends?

Mainats · 10/02/2024 06:53

So he's vile, ignores you, and is effectively spending your money on sex workers, and you're worried you'll miss him? I can almost guarantee you won't.

Original poster
RP1176 · 10/02/2024 10:46

dontwantbenefits · 09/02/2024 23:22

Leave now and don't look back because life is short trust me. Yes it will be hard but then you always alone anyway. Make up your mind, get yourself and kids into a routine, include your hobbies in your routine if possible. Have you got any support around like family or friends?

I don’t have very many friends and I have family but I don’t see a lot of them. Everyone has their own lives. I just feel so lonely right now. And I know there’s no point staying if I’m lonely because I may as well be lonely and single rather than in a relationship and lonely

OP posts:
Mainats · 10/02/2024 14:43

RP1176 · 10/02/2024 10:46

I don’t have very many friends and I have family but I don’t see a lot of them. Everyone has their own lives. I just feel so lonely right now. And I know there’s no point staying if I’m lonely because I may as well be lonely and single rather than in a relationship and lonely

Show quote history

Totally understandable. But I think being in a bad relationship saps the energy to go out and make friends, plus you have less incentive. But honestly, there is nothing more lonely than a bad marriage into the longer term.

Tigertigertigertiger · 12/02/2024 08:57

Can you support yourself?
This is no way to live

Ladyj84 · 12/02/2024 09:17

Another one who had problems before baby yet still decided to have a baby hmmmm poor kids stuck in another possible separated parents family

Bananalanacake · 12/02/2024 09:43

Is his name on the tenancy, does he pay towards bills. If he has no claim to your house he can leave,