Where to go from here

[febbabies2023]

Last night after a few months of uncertainty, and trying to make it work, my other half said he's not happy and wants to end the relationship.

There's nothing that anyone has done wrong, it's just not working any more.

We have 2 children in full time nursery. We both work full time. Have a mortgage. Savings.

It's not really plausible for one of us to move out right now, not with two children costing us 3k a month in childcare.

In September, our eldest starts school and therefore our childcare bill lessens (not by half though as he has 30 free hours)

I just don't know where to go from here
I don't know how to process this.

We've been together nearly 10 years, I was 19 when we got together and he's my only relationship.

I need a handhold and some words of wisdom.

Please be gentle and kind; and I want everyone to remember that he has done nothing wrong and he can't help his feelings.

It may be naive to think, but we want to try and remain on good terms (obviously) and co parent together.

Sometimes relationships run their course. We all grow at different rates and want different things. However...things can turn mean so be prepared.

Ask him how he sees the practicalities of separation, especially regarding who lives where, the bills, and who looks after the children and when. Once he has given his thoughts you can tweak or compromise until you are both happy with the result. But as the one who has longer to think he needs to make the first move.

You don't mention marriage so this might end up badly for you. Start looking at your own finances and where to cut back (for rental deposit), and start separating any joint finances and savings.

You sound very sensible, and I'm sorry this has happened. Be very kind to yourself.

I think as this has come from him you need to ask him, 'Ok. What's the plan? What do you realistically see happening re the mortgage/house, the childcare and the maintenance?'

See if you can thrash out some compromise plan between you as to what the future and shared children is going to look like. But let him go first - it's his decision.

Unfortunately there may be posters who will try to convince you that he has another woman. There is a theory that men never leave if there isn't someone to go to. This isn't true of course, but it's a lazy and popular cliche.

Please ignore any such goading as a) it doesn't sound like that's the case here at all and b) it wouldn't make any difference even if it was.

It's really sad when a relationship has run its course. But if you remain friendly and are both sensible you can make it work. There will be bumps on the road, and be aware that once you've made the decision to split he isn't 'in your corner' anymore. He's in his own corner. (That goes both ways ofcourse).

All the best. You can make this work. Once step at a time.

I mean is there an easy option? So many couples stay together because of the costs of separating. Are you sure splitting up with two small kids is the best idea? I mean surely this time in a relationship is the most stressful it will ever be.

I think 'one thing at a time' might help? If you're not desperate to get away from each other, and it doesn't seem practical, how about allowing yourself a bit of time to just digest your new situation, without having to 'work out how it's going to work'?

Thanks for all the words of wisdom 🤍

It's a hurtful time, but ultimately the children are our priority as well as our relationship going forward.
I hate that it's always an assumption of OW or the man is a dick - they're not all like that. He works hard, he's the best dad he can be and he's been a great partner. Obviously I'm sad it's come to this, but I don't want him to be unhappy or either of us to be in a relationship that doesn't make us happy

He's been very honest and open about that he isn't giving me what I need or deserve and I respect that

Things can't really change in the living situation yet, but at the moment that isn't really a problem as we're not in a 'terrible place' if that makes sense.

One day at a time I'm sure... I just feel very uncertain of the future, very sad for my children and it's definitely what I envisioned for the start of my 30's...

How is anyone meant to maintain a mortgage / home as a single parent?

I'm sure my salary is too good for help, but after all the bills and childcare costs I've calculated I'll literally be left with fuck all money each month...

How on earth do people in a 'mid range' of salary do this shit 🥺

I disagree. In my experience it's pretty much always true. Often the man pretends he just met the affair partner after the split, to save himself the hassle of being honest.

There may be help with childcare costs even if you have a reasonable salary.
Not going to have a go at your dp not my place. Is he going to have 50/50 care ?
It will probably get harder in September when you have 2 settings to drop the kids off. Are you going to end up shouldering most of the childcare and is he going to be free to go off to work every day without a thought of childcare.
Life isn't all excitement when you're paying 3k a month in childcare it's pretty shitty when people decide that life is not for them. Your kids aren't that old and he's decided it's not what he wants. I would be pretty pissed off.

And don't count on childcare costs changing that much if there's only one parent pulling their weight . You may need to use breakfast clubs after school and holiday clubs. You need to be planning how YOU are going to move forward with this life changing bombshell. Do you have family support with the kids?

@Mainats

In my experience it's pretty much always

Do you think we should all be forming our opinions based on your experience, then? And how many times have you actually seen this happen? Even if you live on Eastenders, you will have only personally experienced/witnessed it a handful of times, surely?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You sound a very caring person and your compassion for your EXDP really shines through your post.

Sometimes relationships do just run their course, however the toddler years are hard, really, really hard and could be clouding his judgement. You both sound relatively young, are trying to juggle children, stressful growing careers and just life in general and it’s a lot. Is it possible he could be depressed? High pressure jobs and toddlers don’t mix well, especially when you add in sleep deprivation, FOMO seeing child free friends having fun on nights out, weekends away etc.

Would he consider counselling for himself and or couples counselling? Pre-kids what did you like to do together to have fun? Could you try and revisit some of these activities and just spend one on one time together, even if it’s just as friends? If you could carve out one evening a week just to do something together, unchild related it might help you both rediscover each other as people, not just as each other’s co-parent.

I really don’t think couples should stay together just for the sake of it if they are unhappy, however in your situation I’d want to throw everything possible at trying to salvage the relationship.

Recently, one 30-year marriage in our direct family - man swore blind there was no one else, then funnily enough remarried in under a year. Obvious he'd been seeing her beforehand. Ditto another man in the family - I know he was seeing his current partner before he left his wife. Local male counsellor who I know actually hid his affair during couples therapy with his wife, so he could leave without that being the issue. That's right off the top of my head, without thinking hard about it - I actually can't think of a single example where the man left the marriage and there wasn't obviously someone in the wings.

Then there's all the threads I've read on here - when the man leaves, it always turns out he was seeing someone.

You don't have to form your opinions based on my experience, but I will.

You don't have to form your opinions based on my experience, but I will

@Mainats And what experience should everyone else base their opinions on? Their own experience presumably.

Love the way you use MN threads to back up your 'experience'. That's like me saying a high proportion of the population are jockeys, and referencing the fact that I live on a racecourse! Hang around on threads where people come for advice about their ailing relationships, and yup, sure enough... almost everyone in your world is having a shit relationship experience. Happy people in healthy relationships don't post threads. Your experience and MN don't mean anything until you can reference it against its background.

I don't think men always have someone waiting in the wings, I do think men often move to the next relationship more quickly (especially the ones who need someone to 'look after them') which can make it appear that had someone waiting, when in reality they just emotionally detached quicker

Would he be prepared to go for marriage counselling? What exactly is it that's making him unhappy?

Happy people in healthy relationships don't post threads

Absolutely, @Watchkeys . Which is why I am referring to a pattern that occurs in unhappy marriages. Men who bail often do so for very different reasons to women.

I don't see why you think you're in a position to speak authoritatively about this? 'Men who bail' aren't regulated. Your experience and MN aren't a cross section.

I don't think you are contributing much of anything to the OP and her plight, and encourage you to stop making this thread (and someone else's pain) about you.

I didn't make it about me. Watchkeys did.

@febbabies2023

Sorry if my posts have seemed to derail your thread. My point was 'Don't believe people who tell you that they know what's going on in your life, simply because they have their own experiences', in the light of someone trying to do just that.

How are you doing today?

Okay let me be abundantly clear - there is no one else. I am one million per cent sure on that so let's not try and make me feel worse than I do please...

I hope I cover everything

• childcare is like to be as 50/50 as we can make it. We plan to stay locally to each other in the village we are in. He's an amazing dad and wants to spend time with his children. We're both very flexible with this and willing to help each other out
• he's already said he will pay more towards the childcare bill as he earns more than I do. This includes at school etc
• counselling. I think to be honest this probably wouldn't work. I think he's just fallen out of love with me as a romantic relationship but again that is okay, sometimes these things happen.

I do think children has really changed our relationship. We don't get a huge amount of time together as normally he has the toddler and I have the baby (I.E I'm pushing baby in pram, he's chasing toddler. He's feeding toddler whilst I bath baby) all the usual stuff.

I think it's become a room mate phase that's lasted too long and I don't think that spark will come back.

Who knows what will happen in the future, maybe we need some time apart to grow as people and learn to be happy first. Who knows.

We've discussed mortgages, savings etc. it's all being split 50/50.

Next steps are to get our house valued. He wants to stay in the house (I'm fine with this) and I'd buy somewhere new so we need to look at equity etc.

God it's all just a lot. I feel okay... just overwhelmed with everything I think

He's going to tell his parents tonight... his dad is going to be very upset bless him but it has to be done :(

For what it's worth, you sound very level headed and together about it all.

For what it's worth you sound like you have everything sorted. And you know the man so his word to do his bit and pull his weight pay up etc seems good enough to you.

I don't really get this idea of having two young children then deciding he doesn't love you romantically any more. Yes he sounds a great dad but not great enough to put the kids first before his own whims.
I bet his dad will be disappointed, it changes the dynamics for the whole family. Anyway I hope it all does go as swimmingly as you think. And you don't get left doing the lions share.
And when you both move on with new partners here's hoping you all get on and arrangements for bringing the children up fall in to place.

You sound so strong. I wish you and your little family all the very best for the future. You sound lovely and you deserve happiness.