Where to go from here

[febbabies2023]

Last night after a few months of uncertainty, and trying to make it work, my other half said he's not happy and wants to end the relationship.

There's nothing that anyone has done wrong, it's just not working any more.

We have 2 children in full time nursery. We both work full time. Have a mortgage. Savings.

It's not really plausible for one of us to move out right now, not with two children costing us 3k a month in childcare.

In September, our eldest starts school and therefore our childcare bill lessens (not by half though as he has 30 free hours)

I just don't know where to go from here
I don't know how to process this.

We've been together nearly 10 years, I was 19 when we got together and he's my only relationship.

I need a handhold and some words of wisdom.

Please be gentle and kind; and I want everyone to remember that he has done nothing wrong and he can't help his feelings.

It may be naive to think, but we want to try and remain on good terms (obviously) and co parent together.

Thank you all for your kind words 🤍

@Luddite26 it's an extremely long story but I think he's been unhappy for some time, before the birth of our second child who was a complete surprise. I think he tried to make it work for the sake of our children and the cloud for him hasn't lifted.

We all deserve to be happy and feel loved and appreciated.

I thank you all for your kind words, I really hope this story stays a positive one and that other people in my situation can read this and have a similar outcome.

I genuinely believe we can make the best of a bad situation - emotionally I mean.

The practical stuff is though tho

@febbabies2023 I was 19 when I got together with my ex DH and 32 when we divorced with 3 children. I think we were both very different people who had grown in different directions and were no longer the people who had got together as teenagers. The divorce was difficult (and fairly acrimonious in the end). He was the one who wanted a divorce, and I was pragmatic and took your approach. It became bitter on his side when he realised he was going to be struggling financially - although not as much as I was - after we had to sell the house. Obviously getting another mortgage on a single salary was difficult.

I got a better full time job and managed. DC were 7, 6 and 4 when we split up. I was a teacher, so obviously the holidays helped with childcare.

Met my now DH after 2 years and he happily took on 3 children under 10. We've now been together 25 years and have another child together. Life is good and I am much happier with the man I am with now than I would have been with my ex who was growing resentful at the thought of spending his life trapped in a relationship that he no longer wanted.

You sound lovely, kind and sensible. It's very hard to see a marriage end, but there will be better times ahead, I'm sure.

@Hatty65 this is such a lovely ending and I'm so glad it worked out for you! Sometimes these things happen for the better, and you fill me with hope. Thank you for sharing this with me 🤍

Make sure to use online calculators to work out what benefits/universal credit/childcare help you might be entitled to. A friend of mine recently had a similar situation to you - husband ended the marriage out of the blue and she was absolutely petrified about her financial future. Actually she was entitled to more financial help than she imagined and is doing just fine. Also check online if he needs to pay you child maintenance - if he is a higher earner than you, he might still be liable to pay CM even if he has them 50/50.

@febbabies2023 I do think you are doing all you can to think positively and focus on what's the best possible way of handling things for everyone. I shared with you to hopefully let you know that although life feels hideous and frightening at the moment that it won't always be the case.

I think often things do work out for the best, particularly if you can focus on the positives and look for the good in life.

@HarrietStyles I hope your friend is doing okay!
I've had a little look and it says I'd be entitled but when I've googled specifics unfortunately I fall into the category of 'earn too much money for help, but not enough for the life I'm used too' haha
Yes he earns about 30k more than I do. He has already agreed that he will pay more on the childcare bills, and that he would keep my life insurance going (I said it would be something that might have to go for a little while)
I don't want to fuck his financial situation either - as long as we're both comfortable financially then that's fine - at the end of the day if the kids are 50/50 then it needs to be that way and we have agreed

Today he told his parents - it went really well considering. They spoke about Christmas and the holiday home and said I'm still welcome and we'll still have lots of fun etc as a family. Definitely lovely to hear

@Hatty65 thank you xx

@febbabies2023 That all sounds positive! I will say, that my lovely ex MiL (she was a widow) was absolutely amazing and I was incredibly grateful for how much help she gave me with childcare/babysitting for many years.

She remained part of our family, even though ex DH and I had little/nothing to do with each other, Nana was a constant with the children and was welcomed by (new) DH. In fact, she came to Christmas Dinner with us every year as she wanted to be with the children and ex didn't invite her! It is possible to keep -good relationships going. She died a couple of years ago in her mid 90s and I still miss her. I continued to see her throughout the 25 years following my divorce.