Heartbroken

[Championfancy]

Hi all. I just wanted to post because I’m desperate really. I’m a really private person, my friends know about this situation but I don’t feel I can share how deep this goes with anyone, but the anonymity of this forum helps me feel better.

6 years ago I met a man. It really was love at first sight for me. We started exchanging contacts and slowly we grew closer but due to one thing and another over the past few years we’ve never been able to commit or one of us has been dating and we left off all contact etc. he waited for a long time while I was in a relationship and then I wasn’t ready to commit

however we have always come Back to talking. He’s recently in a relationship and I’m single and we’ve talked over message but all above board. He’ll send me songs he thinks I’ll like, we ask each other for advice on things but it’s never sexual

today I had to drop some paperwork to him (we have a working connection coming to a close) and it’s been the first time I’ve seen him in a year or so. We passed the time of day and exchanged what we needed to and parted ways.

I left feeling totally heartbroken. I love him, I’ve always loved him and I wish I had just found the bravery to tell him properly face to face how I feel. I know that’s wrong but I still feel it.

Im quite sure you will all tell me how much of a selfish tart I am, but I’m hoping someone may be able to shed some pearls of wisdom or hope maybe.

So tell him.

You say he waited a long time whilst you were in a relationship. Does this mean he said he wanted to be with you, but you said no? If so, you haven’t always loved him or you’d have been with him then.

How delightfully simple.

I thought that would be frowned upon being as he is seeing someone. I probably won’t see him again.

Yes he wanted to, but there were children involved and I was not ready to be with anyone that soon after my relationship.

But you are right, I did have my chance which is probably the source of why I feel so bad. I feel like I missed that chance and today I missed another to be honest

"he waited for a long time while I was in a relationship and then I wasn’t ready to commit".
It sounds like you've pushed him away. He prob has no idea you have stronger feelings for him. Life's too short. Stop tip-toeing around and find a way to tell him. Let him digest it. If he doesn't feel the same way about you then at least you know you tried.

We wouldn’t see each other though and isn’t it really wrong to ask to see him to tell him that? Or do you think it’s the case that if he won’t see me, I have my answer.
I feel like hearing him say he doesn’t feel the same would destroy me. I do feel like I’ve made all the wrong decisions continually for the last few years. I’ve had a lot of grief in my family and everything has really gone to the dogs. I almost feel like a rejection would ruin me but being without him ruins me too.

I think if it were meant to be you would have got together by now, six years is a long time, surely one of you would have made the effort?
Is it because your on your own, where as he has someone?
It's natural for feelings to flare up temporarily after seeing an old flame, these feelings will pass though.
I think your putting too much emphasis on him, he sounds more like a friend than anything else, listen to "People come into your life for a reason/ season" on youtube, it's good advice.

Very possibly. I can say though whenever I think of being with someone I only think of him, even the thought of dating I just can’t find anyone else attractive.

Yet. I suppose it is early days.

If you haven't seen him in person for a year, how do you know you really like him?

You need to either spend more time with him so you can work out if you genuinely do have feelings for him, or accept that you have a crush that's being built up in your head to be more than it really is.

Be kind to yourself tho

Thank you.

we talk most weeks really although sometimes I do wonder if he is breadcrumbing me. He’ll send me love songs here and there and we have talked about a work issue quite frequently.

I have told him on a few occasions how contact is bad for mw because I want more. But it still seems to happen.

Do you need to talk to him for work? Or could you stop talking to him for a week or so and see how you feel?

It may just be that he likes having that bit of extra attention from you to keep his week interesting.

This makes is sound like you both enjoy the attention from each other but neither of you have actually wanted each other enough to get together.

He has apparently previously said he wants you. You have told him you want him.

But at these times, you have never both wanted to make you a couple.

"We wouldn’t see each other though and isn’t it really wrong to ask to see him to tell him that? Or do you think it’s the case that if he won’t see me, I have my answer."

I would use your recent meeting as a reason to message 'it was nice to see you the other day, I had hoped to be able to chat a little longer...can we chat sometime?' or something like that. Put the ball in his court. If he also has deep hidden feelings for you, you need to try find out. If he has completely moved on though, you need to accept this and let it be, and know that you will be happy again in time. At least you will not live the rest of your life thinking 'what if I had tried'.

You could be right because usually when we want each other is when the other is taken!

It sounds as though he's keeping you as a back-up (and you him). It is difficult to start again, but if you are interested in a relationship, I would recommend relegating this chap to the past. If you were really interested in being together, you would have found a way in six years.

He sounds like a player, with probably ports in any storm women waiting to idolise him.

Was it ever sexual ?, narcs tend to demote women to friends on the shelf waiting to be picked up for a bit of fuel, he will get his kicks that you are not over him, that's the buzz for him.

If he wanted you as his primary partner would you accept this, it sounds as though you would, as you've said no one else is attractive, you are waiting for crumbs and have convinced yourself that it's about timing, he's allowed this to build up in your mind.

He's controlling you, he knows exactly how you feel.

Im Not delusional but I think labelling guns narc is a bit rich. Not every guy who strings a woman along (and I have strung him along to a degree remember) has a personality disorder.

All fair points you raise. Wouldn’t it also stand to reason that if the attraction is there this long after that it says something also?

It can be really disappointing and sad to feel like we have missed the opportunity with someone and I understand .
However , I am understanding from your OP that he is in a relationship. I think on that basis you need to leave it be unless that changes .

He has a partner? In that case, no, back off, leave him and her be

All fair points you raise. Wouldn’t it also stand to reason that if the
attraction is there this long after that it says something also?

But does his attraction match yours still, this could be the most attractive man you have ever met, have you told him that, has he ever told you that back?

You were obviously given the new person treatment 6 years ago, that was the strongest his feelings would have been and probably the most attention and time he has assigned you, but now you are waiting for that perfect scenario whereby your relationship can grow organically again without you have to spill your guts out and tell him of your ardent love.

Women like to be chased it validates the feelings of being the number one primary important person from a male, he never really sounded available after your first encounters and you got on with life accordingly.

I doubt very much he will provide the actions you require to feel this is a reciprocated love, you could just tell him as the first poster suggested but your fear is preventing you.
Your fear is there for a reason.

We’d been together sexually all the way through those 6 years on and off, so I’m fairly sure he does find me attractive in the literal sense. And he did make it plain he wanted something on various occasions through the years.

I agree though that fear sometimes saves you from something!

Yea that’s right.
Thank you for your reply

"I feel like hearing him say he doesn’t feel the same would destroy me."

It wouldn't. It would hurt but it wouldn't destroy you.

Right now, saying nothing, doing nothing, you don't have him.

If you say something, you might have him. Or just be where you are now, without him.

You don't have much to lose, unless you prefer the idea/dream of him and don't want to risk that. It's possible to get used to having someone in the back of your mind for years, to think on pleasantly when life feels rough. Is that what you fear losing?

Assuming you do actually want to be with him, I would say something.