How would you tackle this with DH?

[ncob1]

To try keeping the backstory short: don’t really have much social support (family/friends far away and truly have worse on their plates currently and wouldn’t want to burden). I have considered therapy/counselling etc but 1) couldn’t afford it 2)not sure it’d work for me personally anyway. DH and I are both highly qualified professionals but perhaps ironically (partly due to the actual careers / partly life circumstances) just about break even without much to spare each month. My job involves talking to a lot of people and DHs is the total opposite (just as well as I think he may have high functioning autistic traits).

Lots of stressors in life since the new year involving both careers but also home life- car breakdown, garden fence broke due to storms into neighbours property, plumbing issues (and..TTC not going well) it’s been an expensive start to 2024. It’s also all landed on me to sort logistically and I’m not a car, fence or plumbing expert (but finances while low has never caused arguments).

To the current problem: DH essentially giving me the silent treatment. When I call him out on what he’s doing he will respond with 1 word answers. This has come after an argument on Mon where I expressed all my concerns including relating to car/home and said something like “you’ve been totally useless” (which he has, I’ve had to find, call and coordinate with all tradesmen etc to resolve issues single-handedly). Unsurprising DH has gone totally silent (he’s a poor communicator at the best of times but is now essentially silent). Long days and long commutes mean we’ve hardly seen each other since the argument on Mon but there’s been no affection, normally makes my coffee and gives me a kiss goodbye when leaving at ~6am. This hasn’t happened. No communication in the day either (normally a text or two). I’ve had meetings till about 10pm all week so barely had 20 mins together at the end of the day/of being awake together in bed. This is temporary/a bad week, we usually get more time than this.

I know he’s annoyed at me but I’m annoyed too but despite that I’ve had one-sided conversations (asked questions while in bed- got yes/no answers after pointing out being ignored is essentially abuse, said I’m glad settling into the more senior role well, told him I love him etc and still affectionate/gave cuddles). But after 4 nights of this with nothing back I’m utterly fed up. We’re both off this weekend - how do I approach this? Don’t want to blow up into an argument but can’t help but wonder perhaps love isn’t enough. Been together >10yrs, very “comfortable” in the marriage, have tried to address poor communication the entire time, unsuccessfully, and sort of accepted it’s part of him.

TLDR: Generally stable marriage, life currently stressful, DH giving (almost) silent treatment since argument 4 days ago- how to approach this when off together this weekend? In the past has just resulted in tears on my part, lack of understanding/change on his part (a lot of talking on my part, very little on his).

I take it the silent treatment isn't a new thing? He's done it in the past, but this time just for longer?

Whichever way, you shouldn't have to live like this. It's an abuse tactic.

It sounds like it isn't the only issue either.

Generally, in your relationship, do you feel respected, supported, loved, cared for?

It's only a generally stable marriage as long as you're toeing the line.

You're already walking on eggshells not wanting it to turn into an argument.

He is abusing you . The silent treatment is to control you . It's working because you are willing to accept breadcrumbs of yes/no answers and are accepting him let you cuddle him but he doesn't reciprocate fully.

It's quite sad really . I wouldn't bring children into this as it will get worse and your options to leave limited .

The silent treatment will get worse and last longer as the years go by.

Pair that with him being totally useless at sorting house and car related things out and leaving it all to you.

Do you want this to be your future?

Do you have children together?

I don't agree the silent treatment is necessarily "abuse tactic". It might be him trying to preserve his mental health because he knows conversations would lead to more arguments, accusations, etc. He may also be annoyed that you have prioritised your work so much over your family life. Starting at 6am and having meetings till 10pm, what kind of workplace is that??

Regardless the above though, he should have helped with fixing the car and house issues, not fair to leave all the stress on you!

You called him useless. I think I'd be a bit upset too.

However you shouldn't be left with all the mental load and he needs to understand that. Maybe you need to make the first step and give an apology about calling him useless so you can start the conversation about sharing the load in future and making time for each other?

I'm sorry OP, but his silent treatment of you because you said he's useless at sorting out tradesmen does not bode well if you end up with a child.

If he can't deal with a house how do you think he will cope with childminders, school, ill health and the relentless treadmill of parenthood? It will all fall to you. Again, and again, and again. He is warning you loud and clear.

This might not be silent treatment as such, not on purpose anyway. If he genuinely is autistic like you believe, then it's common for autistic people to shut down when faced with conflict rather than dealing with it.

Longer term PP's are right, his behaviour is abusive and you do need to consider whether you really want to live like this. As for this weekend I would do the absolute opposite of what you would normally do in this situation. So no attempts to resolve whatever his issue is, no endless talking, no begging for a response from him. Go out, or even away for the weekend if possible, or at the very least be very busy with your own stuff, if he has a problem he can be a grown up and use his words.

Jesus, throwing a pregnancy/baby/mat leave into the mix would be utter madness op.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse.

Personally, I’d reflect his own behaviour back at him. Show him what is like to
be on the receiving end of the silent treatment. None of us are perfect and we all exhibit behaviour occasionally that drives are partner mad. Whenever my husband does this I reflect it back (after attempts to tell him how maddening it is) usually with a smirk on my face. He never repeats it

for clarity we’ve been married 24 years and make each other laugh daily!

I would be rethinking the relationship. The garden fence, car breaking down and plumbing issues sound like normal life tbh (although they may have been very close together) and if he is not going to help/cope with the random crises that crop up throughout life, I doubt he'll be better with the logistics of children in the mix.

And silent treatment is abusive

Alternative viewpoint;

I grew up with a scary shouty parent. I really struggle with people giving me negative feedback.

Someone calling me useless would lead to me going off on my own and crying for a few hours. I would then really struggle to be around that person as I'd be worried they'd just start shouting at me again.

You say there are communication issues in your marriage - can you clarify on that?

I think his 'autistic traits' are a red herring - communication difficulties aren't usually strategically deployed when the individual also happens to be very angry at being criticised.

So in the short term, keep telling him that ignoring someone is emotionally abusive and is considered to be so by the courts. He sounds like the kind of person who might be impacted by that.

In the longer term, if he doesn't have a total change of heart very rapidly, I think you have to face the fact that he is abusive and act accordingly. It's not all of him, of course - it never is.

ETA: the (strategic?) incompetence with the domestic issues will become much more important if you have children, who are themselves living breathing 'domestic issues' . You will become angry after a while at his failure to share the load and work as a team and he will doubtless respond as he is doing now. It will be utter misery.

Why do you think he may have high functioning autistic traits?. What do you base this on?. More importantly has he been formally diagnosed?. You cannot assume this re him nor make that any sort of reason for his behaviour towards you.

Silent treatment like this is abusive behaviour no two ways about it. It
is a negative and controlling means of communication and I would seriously consider whether you want to remain in such a marriage. He cannot deal with household problems, let alone children and it will be left all to you.

This weekend go out on your own if you have to; do not pander to his moods and or try and jolly him out of this. The responsibility for this is all his and his alone.

. Whenever my husband does this I reflect it back (after attempts to tell him how maddening it is) usually with a smirk on my face. He never repeats it

But he clearly does repeat it, otherwise you wouldn't be saying 'whenever'.

It’s abuse, and tbh however much you think you are stable in your marraige you are not

i couldn’t be bothered with a sulking man child and would be looking relieve my stress by dumping him

life is too short

I know you have said that communication generally isn't his thing, but do you think he is happy in the marriage? Or in himself? Sounds like you need to talk, however you manage to do that with him but from the sounds, I think your relationship needs a little TLC

Once things have degraded to the point where you are telling the (supposedly) most important person in your life, that they are "useless", I don't think you can really salvage anything.

I gre up in an environment where both my parents were "high achievers", to the outside world thry must have looked like the perfect "power" couple. However, looking back now, I can see how the way my Mother spoke to my Father absolutely broke him. He never complained, just took all and did what he was told.

I have memories of sitting on the stairs and listening to the daily . . .

"can't you ever do anything"

"How many times do you have to be told"

"God, you're just fucking useless"

"Oh, poor you, yeah, yeah, yeah"

"Just give it here, I'll fucking do it myself"

"Why didn't you say anything to them, were you scared, pathetic, fucking pathetic"

The list was endless, and he never answered back, just retreated into his work.

My point is that I don't think this relation is salvageable, I think you both deserve better. A child will just make things worse, please don't do it, it wouldn't be fair on any child to grow up in that environment.

Maybe not what you want to hear, but I think your relationship is over.

From his perspective.

If he leaves the house at 6am, is he physically able to make private calls to plumbers etc during the day/lunch time?

As bizarre as it sounds I’ve known a couple of men in very senior roles in very intense company environments, where practically every move is watched and scrutinised and very frowned upon for sorting out personal things.

As an aside, I work from home in a senior role and although difficult and I don’t like doing it, it’s far easier for me to squeeze in a personal call if I really have to.

I understand you’re in a new role, so not at all ideal for you to do it.

In life you can guarantee when things go wrong, everything goes wrong. We’ve all been through it.

I understand your upset, but you weren’t kind either.

No one’s perfect and stress can really take its toll, and if you’ve got a good man there, go away and try to emotionally reconnect.

Good luck💐

I'd say you both have communication problems! Him - preferring not to communicate when he's stressed. You - preferring to lash out when stressed. In one week you have called him useless and then abusive. It must be difficult for him to want to bridge the gap after that.

You've both had a stressful time recently, you both handle stress in different ways. Perhaps some marriage counselling would help you both recognise each other's preference for how to deal with these problems?
But you could start this weekend by acknowledging that this week has been awful (for, and from, both of you), and now you are both free of work/distractions it's a good time to reset.

Don't bring a baby into this mix until you can both find more balance, it would be a disaster.

Well, he's punishing you for daring to suggest that he should have stepped up more. He won't stop with the silent treatment until he feels certain that you will continue to deal with all the tradespeople and will not expect him to do anything of the sort now, or in the future.

DH and I have had similar arguments in the past - where everything is on me and I get upset. He gets defensive and we have an argument. And then... you know what happens? He stops to think about it, realises he's being a dick apologises and takes on some of the load. That's how it SHOULD work.

I don't understand all these posters who seem to be on his side. Silent treatment is NOT okay. You are both busy and stressed and he has left you to handle all the work related to sorting out urgent things that MUSt be done and now he is sulking because you called him on it?

That's not poor communication. That's abuse.

I bet this isn't the first time. And I bet that in previous situations you've just sucked it up and done all the work because it was easier than trying to get him to step up. But now you're at the end of your rope and instead of him stepping up to make your life easier, you're being made to be the bad guy?

Wanker.

Abuse! 😂

No. Try telling that to women who ARE abused and see if they agree with you.

@Hereyoume Silent treatment and sulking is recognised as a form of emotional abuse.

As Attila likes to say: the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Just because it's not as bad as other forms of abuse, doesn't mean it's not still abuse. It's not a race to the bottom.