How would you tackle this with DH?

[ncob1]

To try keeping the backstory short: don’t really have much social support (family/friends far away and truly have worse on their plates currently and wouldn’t want to burden). I have considered therapy/counselling etc but 1) couldn’t afford it 2)not sure it’d work for me personally anyway. DH and I are both highly qualified professionals but perhaps ironically (partly due to the actual careers / partly life circumstances) just about break even without much to spare each month. My job involves talking to a lot of people and DHs is the total opposite (just as well as I think he may have high functioning autistic traits).

Lots of stressors in life since the new year involving both careers but also home life- car breakdown, garden fence broke due to storms into neighbours property, plumbing issues (and..TTC not going well) it’s been an expensive start to 2024. It’s also all landed on me to sort logistically and I’m not a car, fence or plumbing expert (but finances while low has never caused arguments).

To the current problem: DH essentially giving me the silent treatment. When I call him out on what he’s doing he will respond with 1 word answers. This has come after an argument on Mon where I expressed all my concerns including relating to car/home and said something like “you’ve been totally useless” (which he has, I’ve had to find, call and coordinate with all tradesmen etc to resolve issues single-handedly). Unsurprising DH has gone totally silent (he’s a poor communicator at the best of times but is now essentially silent). Long days and long commutes mean we’ve hardly seen each other since the argument on Mon but there’s been no affection, normally makes my coffee and gives me a kiss goodbye when leaving at ~6am. This hasn’t happened. No communication in the day either (normally a text or two). I’ve had meetings till about 10pm all week so barely had 20 mins together at the end of the day/of being awake together in bed. This is temporary/a bad week, we usually get more time than this.

I know he’s annoyed at me but I’m annoyed too but despite that I’ve had one-sided conversations (asked questions while in bed- got yes/no answers after pointing out being ignored is essentially abuse, said I’m glad settling into the more senior role well, told him I love him etc and still affectionate/gave cuddles). But after 4 nights of this with nothing back I’m utterly fed up. We’re both off this weekend - how do I approach this? Don’t want to blow up into an argument but can’t help but wonder perhaps love isn’t enough. Been together >10yrs, very “comfortable” in the marriage, have tried to address poor communication the entire time, unsuccessfully, and sort of accepted it’s part of him.

TLDR: Generally stable marriage, life currently stressful, DH giving (almost) silent treatment since argument 4 days ago- how to approach this when off together this weekend? In the past has just resulted in tears on my part, lack of understanding/change on his part (a lot of talking on my part, very little on his).

Stop kissing his arse for a start. He’s behaving like a child. Like others say I’d reflect his behaviour back at him.

Sounds like he is checking out. He is leaving everything to you because he thinks he doesn't need to bother with it. Or bother with you. He considers it not his problem.
Cherchez la femme OP.

PLEASE pause TTC- this is not a healthy relationship atm, and bringing a child into it is the worst possible thing you can do.

I also don't agree it's necessarily abusive. But it does need to change.

He may be finding it hard to move past being called useless. And once you've been a stubborn shit for 4 days, it can be really hard to break the cycle.

My DP was never this bad but would be quiet when he was annoyed about things and never bring it to the surface, Even though I would be asking him because I could tell things weren't right. He would stew on it for ages but that's because he grew up in the an environment where expressing your feelings wasn't the thing to do. It's taken a lot of work on his part to tell me earlier when things aren't ok. And a lot of work on my part to understand and be willing to work with him to change.

I think you're going to have to be the grown up here and position this as a problem for both of you to solve, rather than his problem or your problem. If that doesn't work, I'm not sure what else you can do.

Silent treatment can be for lots of reasons

He needs time to process how he's feeling
He's pissed off and doesn't want to engage with you
It's a way of avoiding the issue
It means he can sweep the problem away without doing anything
It's a way of stopping you doing things - such as highlighting his short comings
Abuse

Ultimately it shows an emotional immaturity and unless he's prepared to sit and discuss the issue once he's 'come round' you never solve any issue, and things like broken fences stop being a minor inconvenience and become a relationship breaking issue .

My ex would sulk, so I'd use it as an opportunity to do things I wanted to do, I'd do my hobby, see friends even have a weekend away, there was no way on this earth i was going to let him ruin my day because he was acting like a child and not talking to me (note hes now an ex)

Oh he's definitely punishing you .

The no coffee in the morning,no communication during the day are big clues that his silence is to process his feelings .

He is not diagnosed as autistic. I think you're looking to give his behaviour a valid label .

He is useless ... he's leaving you to take on the mental load and when you express your frustrations he closes you down .... he's definitely punishing you .

You're in a cycle , when he thinks he's punished you enough he will start communicating with you as if nothing has happened... you'll be so grateful for the communication things will settle until the next crisis ... he'll use the silent treatment again .

This 4 days of silence hasn't come out of nowhere, it's a repeated cycle that has increased to 4 days .

Lots of posters trying to downplay this insidious pattern ... I've seen it okay out many times in my line of work .

You need to think back to other situations and begin to piece together this repeated pattern . When you're ready the scales will fall from your eyes and you will be unable to unsee it !

*Is not to process his feelings!!

Hmm. I have a family member like this but not my husband. As a family his behaviour was so unreasonable, for a long period of time that we mentally decided he was on the spectrum.
DH in a moment of vino veritas mentioned this to him on the basis that we didn't take it personally because...
This individual had a massive strop, denied any sort of issue and became for the most part a normal human being. He still has form, but as if by magic his behaviour improved.

Lesson learned. Autism in any form can be a useful way of explaining bad behaviour / making excuses for people you love.

I'd make plans for the weekend and get out of the house. Yes its uncomfortable but don't let him get away with it by behaving as though nothing has happened should he deign to decide you've been punished enough

I'd be tempted to handle it by divorcing his useless, sulky arse.

Seriously, OP, stop trying to appease him and win him over and find your rage. Tell him if he doesn't snap out of it immediately and talk to you like a grown up, you'll leave him.

Why did the sorting of those domestic issues land with you? Why didn’t he help?

It sounds like you could both improve your communication - calling your DH useless is not good, even if he is for whatever reason not contributing to the tasks. You criticise the behaviour, not the person. Focus on explaining how it made you feel. You could say, “when you don’t help with tasks we should share equally at home, it makes me feel unloved/overworked/taken advantage of”. That’s not you attacking him; you are explaining how his behaviour is affecting you.

Not speaking to you for 4 days is immensely childish, and yes, as PP have said, it is also a form of abuse. Some people do struggle with confrontation and need time to process, but 4 days is well beyond the point of having to decompress.

I would consider having couples therapy before you have children - these issues will only get worse if you don’t take steps to address them and putting kids into the middle of this would not right now be a good environment for them.

wow thanks everyone for the responses, some points really resonated with me and others were food for thought. We’re both home now after long days both off work for the weekend. I will reply properly when I get a chance. For now I need to figure out this evening / dinner (he’s laid ingredients out and asked when I want to eat, he’s clearly planning on cooking) and how to navigate out of this.