Husband cheated on me with an escort

[TheGreyLeader]

We have been married for 30 years and my sex life wasn’t always great because of him we get along really well but his sex drive was never as high as it should be i have always confronted him about it and actually that was always my biggest problem in my marriage but recently it started to get worse and worse even with me having to initiate it he started to find excuses like having a bad tummy…😅. it started to affect me badly emotionally and physically I advised him to take tests and everything else
he is saying that he hasn’t got any health issues but I really think he has ED and he’s hiding it from me
lately i discovered that he cheated on me with an escort when confronted he said he did it just to see if he really had ED or not since all tests came back negative
he said that everything was fine with the sexworker so now he believes that he has ED just with me !!
obviously I am extremely hurt and upset
i feel betrayed i don’t think I could ever trust him again I have asked for divorce but he wants me to forgive him and that his only purpose was not to cheat on me but just to experience it with another woman to see if it’s still functioning or not he wants me to help him get through this
ps:he used medicines before but even with medications it stopped working with me lately

lol, if you stay with him and that excuse works, I might have to go with a different person every week... why risk it?! I need to keep it in full working order.

his only purpose was not to cheat on me but just to experience it with another woman

Thats, ummm, cheating.
That's really the best reason he could come up with?

And sorry but he has probably been seeing escorts for years, and likely why he didn't bother with you. I mean how unlucky to get caught the very first time! And even more unlucky because it was simply just an experiment to see if his dick still worked. I mean he did for you, apparantly.

My advice. Carry on with the divorce.

He cheated on you. And is now blaming you for his cheating.
Honestly, tell him to pack his bags and fuck off.
You'll find your self esteem rockets once this prick is no longer filling your head with garbage about his ED being only with you.

The first thing that springs to mind is that he was always using prostitutes - that was just the only time you caught him. Some men have strange madonna/whore hangups about sex, where they can only feel sexy with a 'whore' while their wife is 'pure' - not for sex. This often kicks in when their wife gets pregnant, or after she has a child.

The second thing I'm wondering is whether the escorts are female.

In the end, though, his internal workings are just background. You're describing a marriage that's been running aground for ages; now it's hit the rocks. You deserve better than to be struggling with daily rejections, doubts and insecurity.

Nobody needs a watertight reason to end a relationship, in the sense of some powerful tribunal judging the validity of your application! Generations of feminists have worked to make sure you can end a detrimental marriage because it isn't right for you. You don't need permission. Set yourself (and him) free.

Two separate things:

You aren't sexually compatible. Just because he wanted less sex than you there wasn't something 'wrong' with him necessarily. I understand encouraging him to see a doctor (for his own sake in case there's a wider health issue, and for the sake of your relationship) but sometimes people just have mismatched libidos.

However that in no way excuses his disgusting behaviour. If he was concerned about his ED, then he could have talked to his GP, to a specialist sexual health practioner, he could have sought some therapy, he could have talked to his wife... he could have done many thing.

Yuk

Dirty man. Get rid of him. His attitude towards women is disgusting.

Vomit. They never. EVER. Get caught the first time. What he's admitting to with prostitutes and what he's done are poles apart. What a pig.

I often say ‘I don’t think there are any problems that are insurmountable if you are both committed to making something work’

This man is not worth your investment in making it work. Even if he was truly committed to doing so.

My money is on this not being the first escort. Suggest instead of ED he has well developed porn death grip and can only get excited by sex workers.

The rest of your life is too valuable to spend it stuck with this horrible man. There is no going back. Short term separation scaries are a price well worth paying to get your life back from him.

Oh he is a real piece of work!

I am very sorry he has put you through this.

For me, there would be absolutely nothing that would make me consider staying with this man.

I hope that you choose to put yourself first and walk away from him with your head held high.

Anyone who can treat their partner of 30 years like this is NOT nice person.

God how horrible. He's been using prostituted women more often than he's admitted to, because people don't usually get caught the first time they do something dodgy.

He's holding you to blame for his penis not working, and also for cheating with a prostituted woman, what a flipping cheek.

He's paid to legally sexually abuse a human being, surely you don't want to be attached to such a man? Paid "consent" is a highly iffy practice

From your OP two things stand out for me

he believes that he has ED just with me !!
If this is true, then you are not compatible and he has cheated (probably often for years, this is just the one time you have caught him) so end things.

he wants me to forgive him and that his only purpose was not to cheat on me but just to experience it with another woman to see if it’s still functioning or not he wants me to help him get through this
He is doing the "poor me, I'm a victim" act here. He says he only has this ED problem with you, but wants to waste years of your life having you trying hard to please him (the pick me dance) to get through the tough time he is having with his so-called health condition.

Truth is, you've found the real problem with his ED - he doesn't have it, he just hasn't bothered with you as he was too busy cheating.

Suddenly his sob story has been shot to pieces when you found out and his nice cosy home life is about to come to an end and there is a risk he'll have to do his own washing, cooking etc. and live on his own. So he's trying to convince you that somehow his cheating is caused by you (and unless you were standing there with a gun to his head, he is really is responsible for his own actions). It is just a ploy to get things to go back to the way they were. He wants his home comforts, you blaming yourself and trying hard to please him while he carries on cheating and exposing you to STIs etc because he likes it that way.

You don't need his permission for a divorce assuming you're in the UK. No need to ask him as you can make your own decisions.

@TheGreyLeader whilst it is ridiculous to suggest him using an escort is your fault, this jumps out at me....

but his sex drive was never as high as it should be

Should be? What is this should be? There is no wrong or right level of sex drive. It makes me think you have communicated to him that there is something wrong with him for not wanting to have sex as often as you.

@TheGreyLeader ?

Love this. Please do it, OP. Say it to him, I mean. Though you could also do it as well. Sounds like you deserve it!

@Mainats egging on the use of prostituted people is not funny or aspirational though.

No one is seriously suggesting she engage the services of a sex worker. The suggestion is to present him with the nearest equivalence of his behaviour i.e i think it’s YOUR fault my sex parts don’t work correctly so it’s perfectly fine to road test them with a third party. Then watch how he reacts. Because I can bet my house he will go apoplectic at the very idea.

I dunno, he may suggest swinging in response to OP using a sex worker; johns even review their wives' sexual performance on their manky little punter review sites.

Also, straight male prostitutes are few and far between. So might not be able to get it up with OP either.

@C00k she's not actually going to get a male escort? Posters are just framing how bloody ridiculous the DH is being.

It doesn’t need framed, it obvious that the man is full of shite. Joking about prostituted people is not funny, in poor taste, and instead of playing pathetic games with the disgusting man she should be receiving comments on divorce tips etc.

She never bothered replying, so it’s irrelevant.

What an ass. You couldn’t make it up. Next thing he’ll be pitching sex workers as clinicians who heal broken dicks. Perhaps it’s available on the NHS.
Leave him and his expired penis to go off into the barren wilderness together in search of sad sex. Pathetic. That’s the culmination of his years with you? What a dirt bag. 🙄
You’re worth waaay more than that. Your dignity deserves elevation. 💐
I’m angry on your behalf.

I’m honestly staggered that everyone has ignored the way OP framed his low sex drive as wrong.

There have been countless threads on here, written by women, about their husband’s pressuring them for sex, complaining about their low sex drives, telling them something is wrong with them etc and every single response is that he is being abusive and a sex pest. When the woman says that the constant pestering makes her actually not want him, but want someone else, everyone agrees that of course she feels that way because being pressured for sex is such a turn off.

But a woman posts that her husband has a low sex drive, that she has spent their marriage confronting him about it, telling him it’s lower than it should be and he needs to
sort it out… and she is wonderful, deserves a better man, should hold her head high, has done nothing wrong. The double standards on this forum are pretty disgusting.

The guy was awful to go to an escort. That alone is divorce worthy. Not taking away from that. But OP has spent their married “confronting” him over sex, probably demanding more sex, telling him there is something wrong with him. That’s abuse.

Ask yourself that if you had a low libido would you pick up a man or pay for a male prostitute to see if you were aroused or not?

No of course not.

Your husband is a feeble minded dirt bag.

Divorce him and get a toy boy.

If I had a low libido and only occasion wanted sex, I wouldn’t have married someone who pestered me for more.

BUT, if I did marry them and spent 20 years being told there was something wrong with me, then eventually I probably would rather have sex with someone else during the times I was in the mood than have sex with the person who has totally turned me off them.

Again, going outside the marriage is the end of the marriage as far as I’m concerned. Going to a sex worked is even worse. She should leave him. But… she isn’t innocent here. The wording she used would be called abuse if she was a man.