I am bad at successful friendships

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

This is a tough one to admit to myself and the Internet but I finally need to realise that I am terrible with friendships. I want to fix this about myself as I find myself literally telling myself I hate myself when I think about it.

A few years ago I went through a big trauma (I'm really not looking to blame that) and eventually my best friend left our friendship. Someone I was incredibly close with. She told me I was too negative, too caught up in my own stuff. I was. I can admit my mistakes but my self esteem for friendships disappeared.

Over lockdown I became really reclusive. I stopped replying to everyone. I disappeared. I have tried to reappear lately but many just aren't interested. I have a big milestone birthday coming up and maybe have just ignored the invitation. I really hate that I have acted this way but I can acknowledge what a shitty person I was. Would you message people saying this or just try move on to find new healthier friendships that you can have a fresh start with? (I'm in counselling for this as I don't want to make the same mistakes again)

I would try and find new friends. You weren't supportive to your old friends, so there will always be issues with that. Friendship is a two way process. You cannot always take. You have to be able to give too.
You may have to accept that on this birthday you will be alone.

I'd message apologies to people but you might not get a reply. It's for them though, as much as for you.

Anybody you knew before who was really your friend would still be your friend. So, if they've stopped being in contact, they're not, really.

Start afresh. First person to make friends with? Yourself. Do you understand why, and how to do that?

I have arranged therapy for Monday to try find the root cause of this as I don't want it to happen again. I somehow have a long history of doing this but I don't really know why and I certainly don't want to play the victim as I know I acted super selfishly (I'm pretty ashamed).

I find myself not wanting to bother people now. I have really low self esteem for friendships. I have a lovely family and partner but the friendship side of my life has never been a strong point

OP Are you saying you have a long history of treating friends badly?

I have a history of disappearing/reappearing from friendships unfortunately. I'm really not proud of it

I think it’s worth apologising. A few friends who have treated me badly over the years have wanted to get back in touch and clearly regretted the loss of our friendship. While I try not to hold grudges, I am friendly but without an acknowledgement of the hurt I think it’s hard to trust again. If they said sorry then i would totally be able to.

I think I would try and move on and make new friends rather than dwelling on the past. Therapy is good. Friendship is a two way street and you do have to play your part otherwise people can get very fed up

I would be fine if a friend contacted me after a few years and said it had been too long and we should catch up. I don't need my friends to stay in touch all the time. They've got their lives. I've got mine. I'd be happy to meet up with you OP if I was your friend and we just hadn't seen each other for a long time. I would contact some of them and see if they would like to go for a coffee or a drink.

I have been doing this @Crackersandcheeseandwine but I actually haven't been getting replies or I've been getting 'oh I'm busy those days' replies. As mentioned, my self esteem is pretty low about it. I had been putting a brave face on but with an upcoming birthday (and a partner with a big friend group) I've realised I may have really messed up

Tbh I'd like to retract my comment about contacting them to apologise as there's then a risk it might just make them feel like shit all over again and you don't want to risk that.

I suppose it depends how you do it in a way. If it just drifts, it's one thing, but if you didn't respond to a lot of messages etc or expected help but weren't prepared to give it, it's different.

I missed a couple events, birthday parties etc without explanation (again I am really not proud!)

Are you saying that, having ducked out of your friendships for several years, you’ve contacted them now in part because you have a milestone birthday coming up and don’t want to be shown up because your partner has lots of friends? I can imagine that not going down well and looking somewhat self-serving to anyone you hurt when you disappeared…

I messaged people a few months ago explaining and saying I was really sorry.

Some said yes and we've had lovely friendships again.

Some have ignored. Totally understandable.

Now I have invited everyone to a birthday. I think it's acted as a massive kick up the bum for me, hence booking therapy. I genuinely am looking to fix this going forward.

What is it that makes you disappear from friendships? I tend to withdraw into myself when stressed or having a hard time, but I’ve never lost friends because of it.

Agree with this. I had a friend of many years recently refuse to apologise for calling me names and deliberately offending me. To me that really showed me that she wasn't my friend - I could never hurt someone and not apologise. I think people who are too proud to admit any mistakes often run away and lose friendships that probably do mean a lot to them. Don't let pride ruin old friendships or new; get happy with admitting mistakes - friends want you to be human.

This is what I'm hoping the counselling shows

I'm really bad at admitting when life is going bad/I need help so it stems from that

To those who say 'it's worth apologising', what you're saying is that it would be worth apologising if you were the recipient. There are many who would take the apology in a number of different ways, which might mean it wasn't worth apologising.

How can you take an apology in the wrong way?
If they get shitty about it, that's on them.

What’s changed recently apart from your birthday coming up? The first lockdown was 4 years ago. That’s a long time and all of the friends you cut off will have had a lot of life happen in that time that you may/probably know nothing about.

Are you friendly with your partner’s friends? Do they seem to like you?

Yes I'm friendly with partners friends and have become close with his friends wives. His friends live in our area, my friends don't so we see his more.

What changed recently was friends having babies and realising I hadn't heard about it and I'd realistically been ignoring that I was lonely for the past year or two. I kept brushing it under the rug/procrastinating which only made the issue bigger in my own head

I think it's worth apologising and trying to reset things BUT you must NOT do this linked to your big milestone birthday coming up. Otherwise it looks like you're trying to harvest a crowd for a party (or whatever).

It's perfectly OK to say that your birthday has made you reflect, and to try and reconnect one on one over coffee. It's also perfectly normal to make some new friends, and indeed I urge you to do this. But don't make a heartfelt apology into something that looks like a rentacrowd event.

I think I would scale down your party and make the most of therapy. There’s something that’s making you not care enough about people that you are quite rightly addressing.

Yeah I realise (without meaning to) that I have lined this up with a birthday unfairly on others.

I'm also concentrating on the people who don't want to be there, rather than the people that do.

I do this. In my case, I get overwhelmed with a problem / stress and rather than finding it helpful to lean on other people, I find it adds to the stress to be around anyone. People are well meaning but when they're dishing out advice it all gets too much for me and I have to retreat into my little bubble to deal with it alone. I strongly suspect I have autism though, as I've been this way my entire life.