I am bad at successful friendships

[ChimneySweepLiverpool]

This is a tough one to admit to myself and the Internet but I finally need to realise that I am terrible with friendships. I want to fix this about myself as I find myself literally telling myself I hate myself when I think about it.

A few years ago I went through a big trauma (I'm really not looking to blame that) and eventually my best friend left our friendship. Someone I was incredibly close with. She told me I was too negative, too caught up in my own stuff. I was. I can admit my mistakes but my self esteem for friendships disappeared.

Over lockdown I became really reclusive. I stopped replying to everyone. I disappeared. I have tried to reappear lately but many just aren't interested. I have a big milestone birthday coming up and maybe have just ignored the invitation. I really hate that I have acted this way but I can acknowledge what a shitty person I was. Would you message people saying this or just try move on to find new healthier friendships that you can have a fresh start with? (I'm in counselling for this as I don't want to make the same mistakes again)

I find friendships hard. I was bullied as a child and a group of girls who I was friends with excluded me ( this was a common type of bullying in my school - girls would just turn on each other). I have had massive issues with trust and self esteem. I just assume people will dump me or aren't interested.

I don't put myself out there because I'm scared of rejection. Lately I've sort of realised I'm really lonely. I genuinely don't know how to make friends at this age! Most of my good friends live in other cities too.

I am really glad to hear you have recognised the issues here and are accessing therapy. Focus your attention on this and on understanding why you have been an unreliable friend - when did this start? Was it triggered by a life event? How has it played out with different people? How would you like to change and what will get you there? This is important stuff and you will be a better person all round for doing the hard work and understanding this pattern/breaking the cycle.

The birthday party and whether or not people will attend is completely the wrong thing to be focusing on, IMHO.

I can relate to some of the things you've said and feel for you. For any of us with few or no real friends a milestone birthday can feel like it's shining a magnifying glass on your self perceived flaws and it's human nature to compare your birthday to others. In reality humans and life is more complex than that. Many good and interesting people don't have friends. It can be for many reasons - it's not all on you. I got back in touch with a friend I'd stopped replying to messages to following an argument after about two years. She met up but kept saying catty things whilst I the perceived baddy was on my back foot the whole time trying to be ultra nice and forgiving like I deserved it. A few years has passed since then and I can see everything clearly. She was often very selfish and gaslit me in arguments but as she was fun at times I had missed our friendship. I was a good friend but had had enough at the point I cut her off especially as I was really stressed and in hindsight we just weren't a good match. I'm finally meeting more people I get along with and don't feel all these big ups and downs. I also had many terrible fake friends who used me etc and as I'm a lot older I can see that clearly now rather than blame myself.
I read a quote "what attracts you when you're unwell, will repel you when you're better".
Don't put any pressure on your birthday at all it's not a reflection of you. Focus on your therapy and trust your gut instinct when meeting people. Don't picture yourself as the baddy or you risk ignoring others red flags. Don't beat yourself up either trauma massively affects your whole brain.