Family demanding and if I protest I get called selfish

[RoseWrites]

I am probably ranting but also looking for some advice.

All the usual caveats: I love my family, we are close, but sometimes, I just feel like I'm here to make everyone else happy without much regard for what is best for me and DC.

My mother has been on her own for ~40+ years and swings between being jolly go lucky and telling me she has nothing to live for. She has definitely been prone to depression but the last 10 years have been very heavy going at times. I love her a lot, but I'm also very tired of the manipulative "I gave up my life to raise you and now you don't [insert; call enough/do enough/visit enough, etc]

I live 400 miles from her and my family. It is "too much" for them to visit me. Despite them all being fit and well and able to go on holiday to Spain, France, etc. So I end up driving with my DC to visit them for a week or so at a time. If I gently point out this contradiction they either ignore it or say vaguely "oh well, that's different". When I'm there visiting, I have to be on the go the entire time as my mum is adamant that I have to see all her friends, drive to see my siblings, etc. I always end up leaving feeling exhausted and often I'm unwell when I get home.

I am currently 9 months pregnant, work full time and have 4 DC to look after. Despite that, my sister wanted to come up to visit with her DS for a long weekend. They haven't been before but I asked if we could delay it as I'm hugely pregnant, tired, and would like to rest, but NO. They are "excited and it works for them as it's their half term". My DM also waded in and said I had to do it as it'll be good for them to "have a break". Before I knew it, I got sent their flight times, and so, I'm hosting for a long weekend.

I just spoke to DM. She told me how I need to look after my sister as she'll be "tired" after working this week and I "MUST let her put her feet up". As an after thought she said "you must be quite pregnant now". I said I was and then (stupidly) mentioned that i'd be hospitalised this week as they thought my waters had gone early. This led to her shouting for 5 minutes that I "MUST KEEP HER INFORMED. I LOVE YOU AND YOU MUST TELL ME THESE THINGS". I got a bit frustrated and said "I think the main message is, I'm fine and the baby is fine, and I'll update you as and when we speak". And then made an excuse and rang off.

I'm not sure what to do any more or just continue to suck it up. I am feeling annoyed that I have to constantly do what is best for them. And I'm annoyed that I can't say anything without being called "selfish" or "uncaring".

If you got this far thank you. How do others deal with tricky family?

"This week may work for you but it doesn't work for me. It's a shame you booked your flights without my agreement to host you. You'll have to see if you can change them. Such a shame if you lose the money."

Read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend.

You need to say no and mean it. Who cares if they call you selfish. You’re 9 months pregnant and don’t need house guests, let alone one that needs to ‘put her feet up’.

Honestly you need to ask yourself why you care what they think, whether they call you selfish or uncaring etc. You must know deep down you aren't, and that it's a manipulative response on their part to force you into doing whatever it is they want.

The best thing you can do in these situations is say no. Just keep saying no. Stand up for yourself, stand up for your kids, they don't need a burnt out mum!

There really isn't anything wrong with the following:

"No, those dates don't work for me. I'm 9 months pregnant and need to rest."
"No, I'll get back to you with suitable dates when we've settled in after the baby."
"If sister needs a rest and to put her feet up she will have to book a hotel, I'm about to have 5 children very soon and don't need the hassle of hosting."
"No, I won't be coming down this time as we've got a lot on our plates but you're welcome to come here in the summer or maybe you can pop in for a few days before you next go to France/Spain" (etc).
"It's my body, my pregnancy, I'll update when I get round to it, I'm juggling a lot and I'm focusing on me and the kids, not sending updates."

In fact, I'd send the following to your sister:

Thanks for the flight times. As I said I'm heavily pregnant and not up for hosting so let me know what hotel you've booked and we can organise some day trips or meals.

You have a new family now. Presumably a partner and soon to be five children. It’s only natural to loosen ties with your birth family - they become less central to your life.

once you have had this baby (good luck!) consider some counselling to help you put yourself first. For example, if my mother started shouting at me on the phone I would hang up or at the very least put the handset down and walk away. You need to think about why you don’t feel able to.

Yep something like this works...

And if dsis does show up tell her you're so grateful she's come to help prep rhe house for the new baby and put her to work!

She told me how I need to look after my sister as she'll be "tired" after working this week and I "MUST let her put her feet up".

Who in their right mind would think this was an acceptable way to think about staying with someone who is 9 months pregnant with their 5th child?!

This is perfect

100% this and don't take any more of this shit from any of them - especially your Mother.

Sounds like you're the family whipping boy. You can't change their attitude to you, but you can change your reaction.

Blame dh if necessary.. Text dsis and tell her now isn't the time to be hosting guests...

They obviously don't consider your needs at all. I'd be taking myself off to bed under doctors orders and letting your sister wait on you. And I'd not be visiting them again either, because what they are putting you through is ridiculous. They will probably make a fuss because it's not what they are used to. My mum is similar, my needs don't matter compared to sibling's, and I've no idea why. I stand up for myself, expect nothing from her in terms of consideration now, but its taken a long time to get here and it is quite sad.

This sounds unreal, tell your sister to book herself some self-catering accommodation or a bnb ir whatever doesn't involve imposing herself and family on you

Youare 9 months pregnant and expected to wait on your sister!

if she has to come then I would be telling her where stuff is and to help herself as you won’t be running round after her as your are heavily pregnant

alternatively I would be telling her now the dates dont work so if she wants to come she will need to find other accommodation

then I would start to step back from family for a while and focus on you and the kids

This . Just say no . They think you're selfish anyway .

Mention the potential of your waters breaking and your need for bedrest so you won't be hosting. She can arrange an airbnb or hotel and come help you prep for the new baby and your DC are excited that youll be looking after your other DC for you whilst you rest! 😉

People can only take advantage of you if you allow it. You're allowing it. Tell your sister the stay is off and stop caring if selfish people think you're being selfish. You're not, they are manipulating you.

Just message

"Hey sis, brilliant news that you are visiting. I am on bed rest so I have organised a list of jobs for you to do, will also need you to batch cook for the next few weeks for my family, it will be great that you could take all my children out for the day so I can get some much needed peace in the house. don't bother ringing me to chat about any of this as you will need your breath to inflate the air mattress you are sleeping on, it is in the cupboard under the stairs, See you soon xxx"

Not telling your mother that your waters might have gone & you'll be hospitalised while heavily pregnant & having 4 kids is quite odd ?!

Not wanting your sister to come & stay when you dont have the space or the time is quite normal

So probably 50/50 on who's right & wrong here. You definitely need more support. Have you tried calling your sister/mother & dumping all your problems on them for once ? At least they might back off for a bit

Something like, thank a lot dSister to take the time to come to help me to prepare the arriving of the baby and look after me in this stressful time. I'm looking forward for your homemade meals. If I'm in the hospital giving birth by the time you arrived make yourself comfortable, there are buses, taxis etc. and I will be either at home or and give her the hospital address.

@Dontbeme has it cracked!

I'd be texting something along the lines of 'It will be great having you here to take some of the strain off me. I was hospitalised this week with them thinking my waters had gone, so it's a huge load off my mind to know that if I do go into labour that you are here to care for all the children whilst I recover in hospital.'

you are an adult. Nobody can actually force you to do anything. so say no and develpo a hard skin/backbone (delete as appropriate)

If you don't want to go for a week at a time, don't. If you don't want to go round visiting, don't. Just do what pleases you. If people moan they don't see you use the newly acquired hard skin/backbone and say "well i am here between date and date, why not come over?" or "why not come down, we have room/can book a hotel nearby".

You have (a) child(ren) learn to stand up for yourself, and them.

FGS all these passive aggressive suggestions.

Just say no you don't want to, you are 9 months pregnant and exhausted.

Please OP. Just stop. People will trounce your barriers and boundaries if you let them. Work on your boundaries, start by saying no it will make you feel better.

Message your sister and say - being 9 months pregnant, I really cannot host you this week. You know I did say this to yourself and Mum before anything was booked, but you did not listen. I am happy to host another time, later in the year, when the time is more convenient for me and my family.

This is really unfair op. It’s not nice when the family gangs up on you 💐

It may be helpful to really dig down and examine why you are not more assertive with your family?

I am not saying it’s easy. It really isn’t.

But I think deep down many of us have a fear of not being loved or liked.

You sound like a close family in spite of everything so even if you protest and they get the hump for a bit, what is the worst that is going to happen?

I think it sounds like they need you more than you need them tbh.

When your mother said ILY, you could have replied, “well if that’s really the case then please come and make the effort to come and see me occasionally”.

or

“if that’s the case, please don’t encourage dsis to come and stay when I’m heavily pregnant and exhausted!”

You don’t have to be mean or harsh you just need to state your case clearly and calmly and then stay silent. Use “I” statements and don’t be tempted to fill in the silence or justify yourself any more.

And don’t be too gentle about it. They are riding roughshod over you; so you need to be more emphatic.

Can you call your sister to cancel. A simple “I do not have the energy for house guests right now”. No need for apologies as she rail roaded you in to it. Does she have travel insurance?

Or if your sister and nephew come for a long weekend do not go to a great deal of trouble and tell them they are helping with cooking and making their own beds. And tell them you will be upstairs in
bed resting for part of every afternoon.

If you can't be selfish at 9 months pregnant with your 5th child, when can you!?

Your sister needs to change her flight to land near your mums and stay there. Or leave it for another time, but stay elsewhere, but she mustn't come now, especially if she thinks you are going to be doing everything for her.

I hope you and your baby will be ok and you get some bed rest 💐