Family demanding and if I protest I get called selfish

[RoseWrites]

I am probably ranting but also looking for some advice.

All the usual caveats: I love my family, we are close, but sometimes, I just feel like I'm here to make everyone else happy without much regard for what is best for me and DC.

My mother has been on her own for ~40+ years and swings between being jolly go lucky and telling me she has nothing to live for. She has definitely been prone to depression but the last 10 years have been very heavy going at times. I love her a lot, but I'm also very tired of the manipulative "I gave up my life to raise you and now you don't [insert; call enough/do enough/visit enough, etc]

I live 400 miles from her and my family. It is "too much" for them to visit me. Despite them all being fit and well and able to go on holiday to Spain, France, etc. So I end up driving with my DC to visit them for a week or so at a time. If I gently point out this contradiction they either ignore it or say vaguely "oh well, that's different". When I'm there visiting, I have to be on the go the entire time as my mum is adamant that I have to see all her friends, drive to see my siblings, etc. I always end up leaving feeling exhausted and often I'm unwell when I get home.

I am currently 9 months pregnant, work full time and have 4 DC to look after. Despite that, my sister wanted to come up to visit with her DS for a long weekend. They haven't been before but I asked if we could delay it as I'm hugely pregnant, tired, and would like to rest, but NO. They are "excited and it works for them as it's their half term". My DM also waded in and said I had to do it as it'll be good for them to "have a break". Before I knew it, I got sent their flight times, and so, I'm hosting for a long weekend.

I just spoke to DM. She told me how I need to look after my sister as she'll be "tired" after working this week and I "MUST let her put her feet up". As an after thought she said "you must be quite pregnant now". I said I was and then (stupidly) mentioned that i'd be hospitalised this week as they thought my waters had gone early. This led to her shouting for 5 minutes that I "MUST KEEP HER INFORMED. I LOVE YOU AND YOU MUST TELL ME THESE THINGS". I got a bit frustrated and said "I think the main message is, I'm fine and the baby is fine, and I'll update you as and when we speak". And then made an excuse and rang off.

I'm not sure what to do any more or just continue to suck it up. I am feeling annoyed that I have to constantly do what is best for them. And I'm annoyed that I can't say anything without being called "selfish" or "uncaring".

If you got this far thank you. How do others deal with tricky family?

Excellent!! 👍👍

Perfect. Let's see how fast she tries to wriggle out of that. 😂

I'd message her that sometimes you have to put yourself first as part of remaining healthy enough to keep giving your best.

Own it.

It is okay to be selfish.

They are, aren't they?

Do what you want/need. If they call you selfish, take it as a well done on setting boundaries.

This is not your family, it's you.

You need to say no to things and accept that they will be upset or annoyed about it. That's fine, they can feel how they feel, you don't need to be part of that.

Once you start doing it you will see how easy it is and will wish you did it years ago.

Oh wow! Such wonderful advice. Thank you, everyone. I really, really appreciate it 😍

As people have said, we are close as a family and do love each other. But we also have some very entrenched roles/behaviours. And as you can guess, mine is of the care giver/provider/reliable one. A lot of the time it's OK. But sometimes, I'd quite like a bit of a break

I'd also quite like to avoid getting caught up in a lot of the drama that others in my family seem to crave.

I've had quite a lot of therapy to deal with it all, particularly my DMs off hand threats about suicide/not having anything to live for/that she might as well be dead, etc.

But it's all a work in progress and the boundaries still 100% need some work.

And I'm beginning to see my sister start to replicate some of my DMs traits - eg demanding, self centred, opinionated, slightly volatile...

When I have the energy, I will revisit therapy, start setting boundaries etc

But for now, I'll park all that, enjoy the baby when he/she comes and get my DH to gatekeep calls and visits whilst I stay tucked up having a rest.

Thank you again, I'm going to print all these comments and keep it for future reference! I have a lot to learn x

OP what you need to think is that why should they and their needs come before yours and your family? You are being so very unfair yes YOU are to your husband and children by letting this carry on.Ask yourself why they are worth more than your children?Cos they are in your mind right now.You are choosing to upset your children and husband by choosing to disrupt everyones lives cos you cannot or will not say no and put the very people first who love you and have your best interests at heart. What you are choosing to allow is and will hurt your immediate family.Ask yourself why you will allow your kids and husband to suffer too why they ,your husband and children have to always come second best or second place to the wants of others. You are not being fair to the very people who you live with. It is not a case of cannot with you its a case of will not..will not upset the wider family,will inconvinience your children and husband instead. Your priorities are wrong and you dont need therapy to see that.
Now I have probably been way too hard on you and you will think I am awful but then you will start to get angry that anyone could even suggest that any of this is your doing then you will be indignant and then hopefully you will feel the change that you can and should make for your own sanity,then you will be more confident and more happy all ways round. Not a good journey to go on but most things worth it are never easy.

Say your boundary quite clearly "That doesn't work for us" Don't get into any back and forwards arguments or rationalizing with your family. Just listen to them then "No it won't be happening" Engaging with a back and forth argument/discussion is unhelpful. Your health, your baby and kids come first.

Be assertive.
Say "no".
Don't apologise and don't explain.
Don't answer phone calls.

You have choices - do whatever works best for you.

Stop being a bloody doormat OP

Tell them "no" for once, will they like it? Probably not but that's their problem

No is a full sentence and enough of an answer. Your family sound terrible I really feel for you but I would stop running after them and feeding into their demands

Your ds and her dc are visiting when you’re 9 months pregnant?! Is she on glue? Utter madness, I can’t believe you agreed! You really need to tell her no and ask her what hotel she’s booking. Limit her visit so you get your rest. Crazy!