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Original poster

Ex partners betrayal and his happy new life is killing me

45 replies

gloomyday · 08/02/2024 10:55

Ex dp left our family a year ago after an affair. Since then the new woman and him are constantly away on holiday, travelling abroad, dining out and basically living the high life. They literally live their life in airbnbs and hotels. Every week or month they are off somewhere new. Meanwhile I feel trapped with our young primary age children, worried about finances and struggle to find any time to do anything.

Am I allowed to vent and scream that it all feels really unfair and I hate them both.

I feel like I am stepping up to do all of the parenting and their dad just picks and chooses when he shows up and I have to lump it.

I know I should not care and need to let it go. But it’s really getting to me. The betrayal was enough and now it just feels like another twist on that dagger to the heart.

OP posts:
Windydaysandwetnights · 08/02/2024 10:57

Ime he is running away with all these trips... Ime how can not having his dc to wake up to be a fulfilled life?

PieAndLattes · 08/02/2024 10:59

Performative happiness is fake. He may not realise it yet, but he’ll crash land soon. From you or perspective all you can hope is that he’s a decent father and pays for his kids.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 08/02/2024 11:00

The novelty of his shiny new toy hasn’t worn off yet. Nothing more.

HarrietStyles · 08/02/2024 11:00

That sounds so hard. He is a selfish and unkind twat. You are totally within your rights to feel hurt, frustrated, let down, angry, abandoned, any emotion you are feeling. I don’t really know what advice to give but want to send a hug and tell you to be kind to yourself. Hold your head high and be there for your children. Ask family and friends for any help they are able to give you.

Wishicouldthinkofagoodone · 08/02/2024 11:05

it might help to spin your viewpoint..

Would you prefer it the other way?

him having the children full time? While you do all the holidays and carefree stuff? Seeing your children once a fortnight and knowing them less and less?

it all looks great from the outside. But I would 100% every time want to stay with my kids and keep that parenting relationship with them. I’d choose that over any holiday or meal out.

yes ideally he’d be more involved. But eventually his relationship with the kids will suffer, you can parent as you think best, stuff him.

he’ll grow old and not be able to travel so much, sitting watching tv, while you have a family around you.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 08/02/2024 11:08

He's a selfish person and a shitty father. Its so hard having to parent on your own. My abusive XH is a Disney Dad and does none of the hard yards of parenting. Id still always want to be the one with the kids, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and feel unfair. If it feels unfair to you and you feel angry and hurt by it that's all valid and yes you deserve better than him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

MorrisZapp · 08/02/2024 11:10

Is he retired? Who is funding all this? Your feelings are absolutely real and understandable but the long game as played throughout history is that a) he'll end up bored because nobody can sustain that rush of excitement and b) your kids will be closer to you than him, because he's fucked off and put them second.

qazxc · 08/02/2024 11:15

He doesn't get to "pick and choose" when he shows up for his children. They are also his responsibility and he should be pulling his weight.
The rest there's not much you can do about it, but I agree with PPs that it may be performative in some aspects.

GingerIsBest · 08/02/2024 11:17

Of course you're allowed to be furious. He's abandoned you and his DC, isn't exactly stepping up as a father and has prioritised travel and sex. what a wanker.

Original poster
gloomyday · 08/02/2024 11:52

He earns well so he is currently taking a few of months off but his priority is the girlfriend. She is from out of the UK so they are having a great old time travelling around the country exploring the sights. Meanwhile I pick up all the parenting and he congratulates himself for what a fabulous father he is on the few days he bothers and drops them home with all their washing and more toys and clutter for the house.

He doesn’t even own a home of any sorts here now, literally just lives hotel to hotel!

Sorry feeling pretty misery today.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/02/2024 11:56

Yes, they do pick and choose when to see the children. My XH didn't see ours for more than a couple of times a year (to suit him) for years. But there's an end to it, OP. I struggled, had no money and it was awful while he popped by now and then to take them out and pretend to have missed them dreadfully.

They're all adult now and recognise him for the dick he is. They are fond of him, but very distantly and there have been a fair few blow-ups about his behaviour. They treat me very differently, and always say proudly that I brought them up single handed.

It's hard at the time, but the kids know where the love comes from.

Dozycuntlaters · 08/02/2024 11:58

It must be so hard to see that and I don't blame you for feeling bitter about it but the reality of the situation is his relationship probably won't last. It sounds like its built on superficial things like holidays and fancy meals. Theres no longevity in that and in the end he is going to end up a lonely old man and your children will know exactly who as there for them, who brought them up, and it will be his loss. He may be financially richer, but your life will be richer in every other way.

LilBus · 08/02/2024 11:58

I get it. My ex is the same off living a care free life whilst I’m left to raise the kids alone only he doesn’t see them at all. People tell me I’m the lucky one but quite honestly I’m not so sure about that!

Original poster
gloomyday · 08/02/2024 11:59

I really needed to hear that thank you. Feel like I’m even failing at parenting at the moment because I am such an emotional wreck. Trying to pull myself together. Have started counselling etc.

I am really sorry to hear you have had such a difficult experience too though.@Vroomfondleswaistcoat

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/02/2024 12:40

You are perfectly allowed to feel how you feel. It is not fair. And it is not right. What is important though, is that this does not become a massive focus for you because that will drain and damage you. Finding something you say to yourself to put it in perspective is important. What that will be is of course, up to you, but something like 'what a pathetic excuse for a father'. It doesnt have to be nice, or even something other people would agree with. But something you say to sum up the situation where you get a little distance from it. Long term it will bite him in the bum. But for now, of course it is so difficult for you.

CurlewKate · 08/02/2024 12:47

Tell me that he's at least paying decent child support....

Crazybabylady14 · 08/02/2024 12:55

@gloomyday I know it doesn't help,but, what you have written is pretty much word for word mine and daughters life at the same time as yours. And just to add, everything all the PP have said is exactly what I've had said in real life. It's all show, it's a performance of 'look how great my life is'.

His life won't be great when the gloss and fun of something new wears off it will be a case of too late 'horse bolted/stable door'.

Broccolicupcake · 08/02/2024 12:56

My ex also has a foreign OW. He adored being able to give her the life "she dreamed of" and strutted around like a peacock, flying her parents back and forth, renovating a house, taking short European breaks, buying her a brand new car.... And then she got pregnant! 27 years between our eldest child and his (now) toddler. He's late 50's and clearly cannot cope with how life panned out for him!
We are years down the line, but I'm still curious as to what the latest is with them (I was with ex for over half my life, so a normal feeling). I do however chuckle to myself as the thought of them on holiday with a toddler, him now an alcoholic and her, a deranged woman who will probably jack him in for a younger version when she gets her citizenship.... Makes me laugh my pants off!
Men seem to think that they can be Disney Dads to whatever age their kids are, but as others have stated, the older the kids get, the more they realised what their dad is. A bell end.

BlondeFool · 08/02/2024 12:58

Make sure you open a child maintenance claim against him.

Long term, the kids will realise he prioritised holidays etc rather than them. Mine did. I never said a word against him but they have no respect for him.

Crazybabylady14 · 08/02/2024 12:59

And just to say, yes it's BLOODY hard being one parent when we'd all like two to be involved. But I try to take credit (comfort and pride) that she is over the moon every time she sees me, it's me she calls for. I am the safe person who she wants and I'm sure that's the same for yours (it's just hard to sometimes feel like you are a superstar - you are!)

BlondeFool · 08/02/2024 12:59

Make sure you block him on social media. Watching his carefree life will only make you bitter.

Pollyannamex · 08/02/2024 13:06

That must be so frustrating OP and you are entitled to feel that way of course.
try and not look at them on social media and concentrate on your kids. His bubble will burst soon enough.

Lieslies · 08/02/2024 13:11

You can't take social media at face value. They may be blissfully happy, or they may not.

My ex-husband pissed off with my best friend and if you believed social media they've had a wonderful life (not stalking, I am social media friends with him). But he had had serious health issues for years, now cannot work, and someone who knows them both recently told me he's been making her life hell for years. But it's all very glam and aspirational publicly.

My recent ex who pissed off to other woman 18 months ago was crying down the phone to me in November, miserable, regretful, wishing he could come back. I'm sure she thinks they are very happy...

Stop looking, don't torment yourself with what may be fiction.

Muffit · 08/02/2024 14:56

Of course you can vent and scream about how unfair it is.What a horrible situation for you.
To be honest I think it's better to vent than hold it all in.
The shiny new relationship will loose it's sheen eventualy.
Please do something nice for yourself.I wish you happiness for your future.

Pumpkindoodles · 08/02/2024 15:10

There’s a few things here
firstly it is massively unfair. Society is unfair mainly to mothers and it’s totally reasonable to hate that
secondly, you’re making a lot of assumptions, you’re assuming he’s happy, she’s happy, that they can afford all these trips and that they aren’t racking up massive debts. Him treating her is one way to see it, him paying for company and affection is another way. Him taking time off from work for a few months could be a holiday, or it could be that he got fired/is signed off sick and can’t cope with things right now. Him being in hotels all the time is a glam way to look at it, another way is that he is homeless.
thirdly you’re understandably seeing short term. Long term, whatever emotional issues he’s has that caused him to cheat on his partner and leave his family are going to come back out again. she’s not going to have a happy fulfilling life with a man who cheats and drops his kids. he has dumped his kids when it’s convenient and so will be damaging his relationship with them long term. his and her relationship may not / probably won’t even last, certainly not as it looks right now anyway.

would you trade places with him? I imagine no.