Ex partners betrayal and his happy new life is killing me

[gloomyday]

Ex dp left our family a year ago after an affair. Since then the new woman and him are constantly away on holiday, travelling abroad, dining out and basically living the high life. They literally live their life in airbnbs and hotels. Every week or month they are off somewhere new. Meanwhile I feel trapped with our young primary age children, worried about finances and struggle to find any time to do anything.

Am I allowed to vent and scream that it all feels really unfair and I hate them both.

I feel like I am stepping up to do all of the parenting and their dad just picks and chooses when he shows up and I have to lump it.

I know I should not care and need to let it go. But it’s really getting to me. The betrayal was enough and now it just feels like another twist on that dagger to the heart.

That sounds so hard @gloomyday and very unjust. Do you see all this on social media - his edited highlights compared to your reality ultimately tell you very little about the quality of his life and ultimately where he’s heading. He sounds like he is have a second childhood; all very nice, but the shine is temporary, it has to be.

If you are seeing his life played out on SM can you block it? It can take some self-discipline not to look, but what you see there is what he wants you to see, it’s not the truth. Perhaps he has to keep up the “exciting lifestyle” to keep some personal demons at bay or to hang on to the sort of woman who is happy to contribute to a family break up. It sounds superficial and temporary to me.

I really think @Vroomfondleswaistcoat is right, your children will see him for what he is at some point. In the meantime you are doing all the hard work, all the important things and living an authentic life. In the end I’d put money on you ending up in the right place rather than him. Sorry today isn’t a good day. I hope the counselling helps 💐

Came to say exactly this. Parenting is a long game, OP, and right now he is not playing a winning strategy.

My stepfather left my mum when I was a teen (good riddance, but that is a story for a different thread). My half siblings just roll their eyes now whenever he pops up, and he has no role in his grandchildren's lives at all.

Thanks everyone. I am not following either of them on social media. I know the new girlfriend is the sort that broadcasts her every move doing so and I have kept well away from that other than the initial ”who the hell are you?” in the early rage days.

Annoyingly I know from him mentioning things and with all the toy receipts he leaves in the bags that all come from different locations in the uk.

I like the reframing of him being homeless etc I had not thought of it like that.

It is really weird seeing someone you once shared so much with completely change. He has changed his clothes to fit in with her crowd, taken up new hobbies he had previously scoffed at, even gone and got those invisible braces.

Completely understand your feelings OP, try to focus on how your relationship with the children is priceless, no meal/holiday/hotel comes close, it’s all superficial nonsense and won’t last, your love for your children will never end

It’s hard. I’m currently in a similar but different situation.

All I can suggest is imagine a lovely Christmas in the far future and you are surrounded by your children, in laws and grandchildren. Whereas he is either alone, or stuck changing nappies or in the thrall of toddlerdom.

You are all amazing. I think reframing my thoughts is much needed. I am going to practice some positive thinking and maybe write some things down.

I spiral and start “making up” scenarios in my head and thinking how happy they are plotting their future and laughing at me. The women is apparently so eager to meet the children and seems to want to be step mum. She has no kids is in her 20s but also said I must be essentially a not very good mum if I find it so hard. The cheeky cow even offered to send me some books!! . That really hurt because I have given everything I have to give to these children and mainly raised them alone due to exs work and it has been such a hard slog getting through all those baby and toddler years.

Of course that’s hurtful but you said yourself she has no children, She was sleeping with a married man, She is fine with being with a partner who is happy to ditch his kids and just pop in as the occasional Disney dad. We can say with confidence that neither her judgement nor her character and values are spot on. So does her opinion actually have any value or worth in your life? Do you aspire to be like her? No. So her opinions, though rude, are largely irrelevant.

@Pumpkindoodles you are so good with words. Thank you for taking the time to reply. You are absolutely right.

I agree with this. A fact of life is that children do grow up, meet partners, have in-laws and eventually maybe children of their own. Their future spouses might also have divorced parents, meaning their time has to be spread between you, Disney Dad, spouse’s divorced parent number 1, spouse’s divorced parent number 2, plus their own young family. And any other friends or family. This is spreading themselves very thinly, and who do you think gets cut out first? Disney dad of course. He brings nothing of any meaning to the table. He’s basically Santa Clause who shows up with only money and gifts. He’s not babysitting the grandchildren so DC can go back to work, he’s not there to support DC through the ups and downs of life, maybe even divorces or relationship breakdowns of their own, being a shoulder to cry on and safe space to rebuild from.

It sucks now, but in the long run you will be much richer in more meaningful ways, and a damn sight less lonely too.

She sounds very immature to me . Once the sex glow wears off and she wants children let's see how great everything is then when your ex is back to square one .

Let's hope she gets bored and dumps his homeless ass. Solidarity OP, people who have affairs are just gross.

So she’s considerably younger than him? Has had an affair with an older man, has encouraged him to leave his wife and children, live an unrealistic, expensive lifestyle without any substance?
Just enjoy fantasy fast forwarding a few years when he does the same thing again to her and you’ll have the last laugh. She should see what’s coming and run for the hills. He will be older and have a string of failed relationships and estranged children. By that time you will be enjoying the consequences of being a caring and consistent parent which will be lifelong and fulfilling relationships with your children and grandchildren. They will be there for you in your older years. He will be a lonely and sad, desperate has-been by then.

My uncle left his wife and young children decades ago. He married a wealthy younger woman and enjoyed an extremely privileged lifestyle. His relationship with his first two children broke down as soon as they could choose for themselves. They both despise him and he has never met his grandchildren (who are utterly delightful). I’m not even sure if he knows they exist.
His child from second marriage is properly awkward and looks incredibly unlikely to ever have children. The rest of our family all think he’s a disgraceful human being.
He will be alone in his old age. On his death bed, I don’t suppose he will be remembering fancy holidays, but instead bitterly regretting that his own children aren’t by his bedside and probably won’t even attend his funeral.

Just came back to reread all your reply’s. Was feeling pretty low when I woke up today but it really helped to reframe my mind. Thank you all again for your advice and thoughts.

Hope the messages give you strength.

You also mentioned, him changing his appearance and hobbies to things he would wear or hobbies did not do before.
He is also faking who he is for this women, who she think he he is, is all an illusion.

She does not know him , the glow will wear off wait and see.

Ah, the old 'leaving the receipts in the bag's ploy.

I had a good few years of that, when he eventually remembered to buy birthday an Xmas gifts for the kids.

Time to try and let it go op. Won't be easy AT ALL but you'll feel so much better once you do. He's only doing it to get a reaction from you.

It's not normal life is it.

I can't stand how men can move on (often with someone younger) and the woman is left with the kids, household, money worries, day to day crap.

I think that's why men have affairs, they want someone carefree not a wife or mum. But guess what it's not reality. If he had kids with the new woman it would be the same.

I'm with my husband but he works away lots and I hate how we chooses what to be involved in.

You're not wrong and I'd hate him!!! I've not read the rest yet. I was going to ask if he sees the kids.

@abesnt he sees the kids when it works for him, during all of those 2-3 months he is in the country. But it’s more of an uncle role than that of a parent sadly.

Those children will remember this time when they are adults. You will reap the benefits of your relationship with them then, he will not.

similar situation played out in our circle - the dad lives abroad but has no relationship with his children. They now have children & mum is a very involved grandmother. Dad has been cast aside as they felt abandoned

Thing is I’m not convinced these fathers, who have no relationship with their children later on, even care that they have broken relationships with their children.

It’s all fine and well saying they are losing out but in all honesty if they actually cared in the first the first place…

Looking at it from the perspective of oh they don’t know what they’re missing out on, doesn’t help as that is not retribution for the children they’ve successfully damaged.

Does anyone know any of these fathers who have regretted their neglect, I certainly don’t, as they are just wired in a certain way.