Does anyone want to leave......but know they never will.

pushingthrough · 2024-02-08T10:35:56+00:00

Been together since we were very very young, we are now in our late 30s with 3 young children. Im deeply unhappy for many many reasons, he is not physically abusive and is a great dad but we are very different. Reasons im not leaving: He may be classed the default parent as he does all school drop off and pickups as he works from home and i dont. I cant see a way forward financially, I earn more than him but still couldn't afford to keep our house, and would never be able to sell and re buy in the area so the upheaval for the kids would be huge. I think he could turn nasty and it could be a long fight. I think i can hold out another 10 years for the kids then leave. Would love the hear other peoples views.

flarp · 08/02/2024 10:38

Yes. Me.

Kyogo67 · 08/02/2024 10:38

You need to leave for your kids.

They can't grow up thinking this is what love is and what a normal relationship should look like.

You also deserve to be a happy mum for them. They are not stupid and will sense the underlying misery.

It's hard but the earlier you leave the better. They won't thank you for living a lie. Kids are more adaptable than you think.

Original poster

pushingthrough · 08/02/2024 10:39

Kyogo67 · 08/02/2024 10:38

You need to leave for your kids.

They can't grow up thinking this is what love is and what a normal relationship should look like.

You also deserve to be a happy mum for them. They are not stupid and will sense the underlying misery.

It's hard but the earlier you leave the better. They won't thank you for living a lie. Kids are more adaptable than you think.

I agree with you, this is a constant battle in my head.

OP posts:

Farmageddon · 08/02/2024 10:40

How old are your children OP? Could you start to slowly build a life of your own, which would give you some breathing space for the next few years while you plan your exit.
Do you think he knows how unhappy you are? Maybe you could come to a sort of agreement to stay in the same house but be more like flatmates for a while until the time is right.

Original poster

pushingthrough · 08/02/2024 10:43

Farmageddon · 08/02/2024 10:40

How old are your children OP? Could you start to slowly build a life of your own, which would give you some breathing space for the next few years while you plan your exit.
Do you think he knows how unhappy you are? Maybe you could come to a sort of agreement to stay in the same house but be more like flatmates for a while until the time is right.

10,9 and 3.

We tend to fall into a very up and down category, every 6 months it will come to a head, he will beg, plead and fight hard for the marriage.

He absolutely would not want the marriage to end.

OP posts:

Kyogo67 · 08/02/2024 10:48

My ex couldn't accept it either. Thought he was perfect father and husband but I was miserable and my child could sense the tension and unhappiness.

He was really difficult the first year we split but once he found someone else and we managed to coparent amicably we get on okay . Not friends but not hostile

Do it now. Don't wait til they're all teenagers as that would be much more difficult as friendships, schools, exams, hormones come into play

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2024 10:58

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Another 10 or so years of this will merely grind you, and in turn your kids, further down. Of course he does not want the marriage to end; in you he has the ideal slave/house elf to mistreat as and when he sees fit.

Kyogo is right; you need to leave because of the children, not stay for the supposed sake of them. And whose sake would you be staying for anyway because it absolutely is not theirs.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Good dads do not treat the mother of their children like you, and in turn they, are.

It is not "easier" to stay and I would suggest you seek legal advice re the points that go around in your head. Work with facts, not supposition.

Bowbobobo · 08/02/2024 11:03

Where has OP said she is being treated badly @AttilaTheMeerkat ?

PieAndLattes · 08/02/2024 11:04

You’re saying that you’re prepared to be unhappy for 10 years!! That’s the best years of your life you’re throwing away. You’re role modelling a sad relationship to your children. Is this the kind of relationship you want them to have in the future? Can you go to counseling with the view of either being together properly, or separating well?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2024 11:08

"Im deeply unhappy for many many reasons, he is not physically abusive and is a great dad but we are very different."

That sentence give clues as does this one, "We tend to fall into a very up and down category, every 6 months it will come to a head, he will beg, plead and fight hard for the marriage."

He not being physically abusive towards the OP is no consolation at all here.

Counselling for your own self and on your own is recommended OP. Do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 08/02/2024 11:11

I can only comment from the perspective that whilst it’s beyond difficult being a lone parent, I would take the struggles I have, over being anywhere near my ex any day of the week.

I’m infinitely happier now than I ever was with him, granted though, I couldn’t see what an abusive person he was/is.

Break free if you can, although it will mean radical change and I won’t pretend it’s a picnic, but the other side IS happiness and now my DC don’t live in a toxic home.

Original poster

pushingthrough · 08/02/2024 11:12

Yes you are all correct.

Im different with him than everyone else, with him i am a much lesser person, i think ive lost a part of myself or it has just been chipped away over time.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 08/02/2024 11:16

If it truly is a personality thing and not mistreatment, then I think half the married women in the country live like this. I do, my friends all do. I love my DP, he's a great guy. But I'm middle aged now, can't be arsed with sex, and would mostly prefer just to be on my own.

My long held theory is that if all the houses in the UK were magically reduced to 20k each, the rush to separation amongst couples with kids would be visible from the moon.

PeachPots · 08/02/2024 11:18

Seeing a matrimonial/divorce solicitor could also help clarify your mind. It’s good to know where you stand.

You are making a lot of assumptions in your post about money and residency, which may or may not be true. Even if true there may be ways to try to change them.

Original poster

pushingthrough · 08/02/2024 11:20

MorrisZapp · 08/02/2024 11:16

If it truly is a personality thing and not mistreatment, then I think half the married women in the country live like this. I do, my friends all do. I love my DP, he's a great guy. But I'm middle aged now, can't be arsed with sex, and would mostly prefer just to be on my own.

My long held theory is that if all the houses in the UK were magically reduced to 20k each, the rush to separation amongst couples with kids would be visible from the moon.

This is really helpful because essentially you are right.

As we have gotten older he can be quite mean, seems to get stressed easily at things that really shouldn't warrant it and quite a judgmental person whereas as ive got older ive learned to be so far less judgmental very much "not my circus not my monkey" attitude.
Im far more laid back but for him that can be seen as lazy for example, i like to do a whip around the house once the kids are in bed before i get settled, he feels like it should be an ongoing hourly thing.

it seems like continual small clashes with maybe one large clash every 6 months.

Of course im not perfect by any means.

OP posts:

NotAgainWilson · 08/02/2024 11:24

Two things to keep in mind:

It is far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.
You might end up with a smaller house and less money but that will be made up by a much happier life.

At this time, you are slowly dying inside, if you leave, there will be struggles but they won’t be as bad as ending each day sharing a house with someone you are much struggling to tolerate. You will feel more tired but more relaxed, happier and full of hope for the future.

Divorces are like weddings. You need to plan, save and prepare to change your life to give yourself and your kids the best start after the split.

Once you start taking steps to move on (saving, looking at houses, planning how to you can make it possible to have your children at least 50/50 after the split, calculating any support you may be able to get, etc.) you will feel more in control.

It may take you a couple of years to leave but, that is much better than a lifetime to his side. Honest.

Best of luck.

Original poster

pushingthrough · 08/02/2024 11:26

NotAgainWilson · 08/02/2024 11:24

Two things to keep in mind:

It is far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.
You might end up with a smaller house and less money but that will be made up by a much happier life.

At this time, you are slowly dying inside, if you leave, there will be struggles but they won’t be as bad as ending each day sharing a house with someone you are much struggling to tolerate. You will feel more tired but more relaxed, happier and full of hope for the future.

Divorces are like weddings. You need to plan, save and prepare to change your life to give yourself and your kids the best start after the split.

Once you start taking steps to move on (saving, looking at houses, planning how to you can make it possible to have your children at least 50/50 after the split, calculating any support you may be able to get, etc.) you will feel more in control.

It may take you a couple of years to leave but, that is much better than a lifetime to his side. Honest.

Best of luck.

Thank you ❤

OP posts:

Bunnyhopskip · 08/02/2024 11:35

I'm in the exact same position as you op, except I earn substantially less, and have no hope whatsoever of ever going alone, as I don't earn enough to even cover a basic rental, let alone bills, and everything else. We lead a very "nice" life, lots of holidays, kids learn instruments, and do lots of extracurricular stuff, we never have to worry about money, the kids have a very privileged life from a monetary point of view, in a wonderful area, at a lovely school, and a beautiful home. We are the "go to house" for all the local kids, we throw Easter parties, Xmas parties, help out in the community, and my children are really thriving in our current set up. To leave my marriage would be a complete upheaval for them in so many unimaginable ways, and I just can't bring myself to do that to them. I know everyone says "the kids would choose separate happy parents, than parents who just stay together for them" but plunging them into pretty certain poverty, from the lifestyle they currently have, wouldn't make them happy, they'd have to give up all the things they love, move to a cheaper area, smaller house (I couldn't even afford to rent a one bed flat where we currently live) and I genuinely think it would traumatise them. They adore their dad, and I'd hate for them to only see him a few times a week, but equally, I don't think my life would feel worth living if I had my time with them limited to a few days a week. My husband is a great dad, and he would do anything to keep our family unit together. Anything apart from make me happy, or show me genuine love and affection, which he just can't seem to bring himself to do. It's the toughest situation, and I put on a brave (fake) smile most of the time, but regularly have breakdowns throughout the year, where I "can't do it" anymore, and thoughts of "you only live once" creep in, that makes me want to act, but then I'm reminded of the negative impact that will have on so many people, and it just seems utterly selfish. Solidarity op, it feels hopeless at times, and so hard to keep up the facade, but I also don't have any way out.

Bunnyhopskip · 08/02/2024 11:38

pushingthrough · 08/02/2024 11:12

Yes you are all correct.

Im different with him than everyone else, with him i am a much lesser person, i think ive lost a part of myself or it has just been chipped away over time.

This resonates with me so so much. He doesn't knowingly do it, but makes me feel like I'm not worthy of love, which is the most horrible feeling. I'm such a confident person, but as soon as I'm in his company I feel so low and despondent.

OkayKinkade · 08/02/2024 11:39

Never stay for the kids. That never ends well.

OkayKinkade · 08/02/2024 11:41

@Bunnyhopskip I don't care about the backlash I'll get but in your position, I'd have an affair.

NotReadyForSlipperz · 08/02/2024 11:53

Following with love to you all. I just read 'too bad to stay too good to leave' and it suggested 'leave' but it won't do the work for me! The best I can imagine is saving to leave when kids leave school...

NotReadyForSlipperz · 08/02/2024 11:55

I'm am currently having a lovely week with a great job and friends and kids but having to tiptoe around the house because he is having a bad week and is down. It's so wearying and draining

MichaelAndEagle · 08/02/2024 12:07

Bunnyhopskip · 08/02/2024 11:35

I'm in the exact same position as you op, except I earn substantially less, and have no hope whatsoever of ever going alone, as I don't earn enough to even cover a basic rental, let alone bills, and everything else. We lead a very "nice" life, lots of holidays, kids learn instruments, and do lots of extracurricular stuff, we never have to worry about money, the kids have a very privileged life from a monetary point of view, in a wonderful area, at a lovely school, and a beautiful home. We are the "go to house" for all the local kids, we throw Easter parties, Xmas parties, help out in the community, and my children are really thriving in our current set up. To leave my marriage would be a complete upheaval for them in so many unimaginable ways, and I just can't bring myself to do that to them. I know everyone says "the kids would choose separate happy parents, than parents who just stay together for them" but plunging them into pretty certain poverty, from the lifestyle they currently have, wouldn't make them happy, they'd have to give up all the things they love, move to a cheaper area, smaller house (I couldn't even afford to rent a one bed flat where we currently live) and I genuinely think it would traumatise them. They adore their dad, and I'd hate for them to only see him a few times a week, but equally, I don't think my life would feel worth living if I had my time with them limited to a few days a week. My husband is a great dad, and he would do anything to keep our family unit together. Anything apart from make me happy, or show me genuine love and affection, which he just can't seem to bring himself to do. It's the toughest situation, and I put on a brave (fake) smile most of the time, but regularly have breakdowns throughout the year, where I "can't do it" anymore, and thoughts of "you only live once" creep in, that makes me want to act, but then I'm reminded of the negative impact that will have on so many people, and it just seems utterly selfish. Solidarity op, it feels hopeless at times, and so hard to keep up the facade, but I also don't have any way out.

If you can't even afford to rent in your area on your salary you'd probably be eligible for universal credit. Plus child maintenance.
Why would the kids be in poverty? They'd still have a dad.
Post your situation in relationships board. It might not be as bleak as you think.
You could start trying to increase your own earnings now with a view to separation in the future.

MorrisZapp · 08/02/2024 12:11

OkayKinkade · 08/02/2024 11:39

Never stay for the kids. That never ends well.

Also never leave because you fancy someone else, your kids lives will be ruined and their broken home will affect them forever.