Maybe I just don't understand how to date

[Dogknowsbest]

Historically, I've dated some really awful men. My most successful relationship, I consider to be with my ex-husband who I was with for 13 years but suffered with really bad anxiety to the point he became controlling. Since then I've had a 2 year relationship, which was very on off and 1 year relationship with a misogynist (he hid it for the first 8 months). There were also a couple of other dodgy people who I've nipped it in the bud with early due to concerning behaviour (one of them actually stalked me for a month after so he was definitely not right).

I worked out the one thing each of these men had in common is that they were love bombers. I've now started dating someone new. It's been nearly 2 months but I've actually realised I don't have a normal frame of reference. We seem to have settled into a routine where we speak once every 3 days and we see each other every other weekend (he lives over an hour away). It's still early days so I don't want to invest too much emotionally but does this seem like not very much? Part of me wants to speak to him more but because of my previous experiences, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

I think it’s odd to only speak once every 3 days to a new partner!

Are you aiming to get it right, or to get it the way you want it?

If you're aiming to get it right, who decides what's right, and what have they decided?

If you're aiming to get it the way you want it, how do you want it?

The aim is to get it right. I don't think I'm a needy person but I think I've been affected by my previous experiences. In my earlier relationships, it was normal to go a couple of days without speaking and I actually find constant communication expected nowadays exhausting.

I just want it to be a bit more frequent.

So, what is 'getting it right'? If you're trying to get it right, what is the 'right' that you're talking about? What are the rules/guidelines about what you 'should' be doing, and why are they important to you?

And what about things being how you, personally, want them, even if, say, your wants or needs were a bit unusual? What about the importance of things being how you like them?

Are you initiating some of the contact or waiting for him to?

Have you tried contacting more frequently? What happens, does he respond or is he holding firmly to the 3 day thing?

Reading this really hurt my head!

I mean I want a nice man for the long term not someone that's going to be gone tomorrow because I find something out that I don't like after they've exhausted themselves with love bombing.

OK well that's got nothing to do with frequency of communication.

It's just part and parcel of dating - you get to know someone, keep your eye out for red flags, accept that as you get to know each other better one or both of you may realise that you're not suited. Don't go in with the expectation that every guy you meet is the right one, until he isn't.

If I contact him, he replies but I feel it's a bit reluctantly. I don't mind calling him but I also feel if it's not mutual then it will push him away.

OK, so you mean you want the right man. Doesn't that mean 'You want the man who does things the way you like them to be done'?

True. I'm just used to something different.

Why do you feel like he's reluctant OP?

Part of the issue is that I've got used to a particular kind of toxic behaviour.

Or is this just a different type of toxic?

Part of the issue is that I've got used to a particular kind of toxic behaviour

How do you respond to it? The toxic behaviour?

Maybe. He's not reluctant when we're together and when we do talk. We agreed to take it slowly and enjoying each other's company is a priority.

When I don't speak to him it does feel reluctant though.

Couple of things here OP. If you’ve got used to, as you put it, ‘toxic behaviour’, you may need to take a break from dating and reflect on what you got used to growing up, as these are usually our earliest relationship models. Don’t put yourself under pressure to ‘get it right’, just concentrate on yourself, on having fun, on learning about what you enjoy and about others.

When you do have a good relationship, it will feel like freedom, and like you can breathe with this person around. It’s hard to explain but it feels natural and honest, not like you’re chasing, or being chased, or being taken over by someone, or being fixed, or being the rescuer, or even being desperate to see what happens next. It’s just…right.

I’m getting strong ‘not that into you’ vibes from your current date, and what’s more, I don’t think you’re that into him either. Give yourself a break and move on. I think when you meet the right person, you’ll know.

You don't want to invest emotionally but you will have to if you want a relationship, you can't expect him to want more if you can't give enough of your time to him and vice versa, it stays casual and will probably fizzle out sooner or later. If you're getting the vibe he doesn't want to speak to that often, as awkward as it is you need to speak to him about more communication and how he feels about where it's going, no point avoiding what is taking up a chunk of your life, even if that is mentally.

The thing is, nobody knows for quite a while whether someone is right for them. All you can do is leave if someone proves themselves not to be.

Past experiences are irrelevant: you like a certain level of contact. The love bombers provided you with that. That's what love bombers do: they give you what you want. But that doesn't mean that what you want needs to be questioned.

When you meet someone who does things the way you like, instinctively, then he's a candidate. But things have to stay good, and the second you start to question, you leave. Always, in any relationship, be sure that if you needed to leave, you could, emotionally and practically. Not just at the start. For the whole relationship, even if you grow old together.

That's healthy boundaries, regardless of your past, and you won't have another unhealthy relationship if you stick to it: Leave if it doesn't feel good, and always make sure that you can leave.

This guy doesn't have the same communication schedule as you and it doesn't feel good already. Practice your 'No thank you' on him. 'It's been lovely knowing you' etc.

Honestly take a break. Get some counselling to work on yourself and your boundaries.

I see this way too often, society conditioning us into thinking we need to be in a relationship when we don't even have a good understanding of ourselves or how to be happy in our own company.

Focus on you, your friends and family, your career and come back to dating later.

I spent 8 years not dating, celibate focusing on my DC, career etc and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I see this way too often, society conditioning us into thinking we need to be in a relationship

Yes, and this idea that there is a way to be 'good at dating'... the societal expectation is nuts.

Dating one person is different from dating another person. Beyond basic respect, there's nothing that you can do that will be 'good' for everyone, or even 'most people'. Offering to pay for drinks, for example, may offend some, whereas not offering to pay for drinks will offend others. There seems to be a lack of the basic understanding on many threads that dating is something you do because you want to find someone who understands you, and who you understand. Someone who is similar enough to you to make the relationship feel like comfortable, common ground, and different enough from you to keep things as interesting as you want them to be. The only people who will be 'good' at that are the very small number of people you are compatible with, so everybody else could regard themselves as 'bad at dating', if they have a few dates with people they're not compatible with, but it just isn't generalisable in that way. It's like saying you're 'bad at eating' because you don't like one specific food.

Talk to him. Communicate your needs. If he won't listen or compromise, then he's not for you.

Completely agree. And I see it so often on here. Someone in a crap relationship and most of the comments along lines of ‘end it you’ll find someone who deserves you’ ‘there’s another one right for you out there’ etc - like going from one man to the next is the expectation and being single is some sort of sad half life when actually spending time on your own, working out who you really are and what’s right for you is absolutely fantastic and a huge life skill to learn imo.

To start with you want someone who matches your input level. What you may have done in the past, is match their input level, so love-bombing means falling for them from your side. But love-bombers always come with issues that you find out in time.
So this one, not a love-bomber, but now you wonder if it feels off because you've got used to that way, or there is something else wrong?
I'd say a call every 3 days for a LDR is OK, if you text in between. If its radio silence for 3 days, then it wouldn't be enough. Couple that with only every other week, I'd find that too infrequent to sustain it. Once a week minimum- the occasional longer gap due to illness or responsibilities that crop up is fine. 1 hour is not that far that it couldn't be weekly.
Then look at who does what. Does he call as often as you do? Does he travel to you as much as you travel to him? - there can be other valid reasons why it works one way better, but if they don't apply and its more a case of least effort on their part, it's a no go.