Getting annoyed with boyfriend!

[sezy2016]

Just need a rant tonight as it's been a stressful week. I have been seeing this guy since 2021, and it's been nearly 3 years and certain things really bug me about his hygiene and other stuff. When I first met him I was taken aback but I wanted to give him a chance. One of the main things I had an issue with was the way he lived in his flat. It was filthy, crumbs and bits all over the floor, mattress was dirty, no furniture ect. I said okay this guys been through some stuff from what he'd told me but eventually I stopped going to the flat. Eventually after a long time he fixed himself up dressed better made more of an effort, we got closer as I don't go to his anymore he comes to mine every weekend and we do have nice times and go out for meals and I do like him but then another part of me finds him utterly annoying and just different to me. It's been 3 years and he hasn't decorated his flat. The entire place needs fully refurbishing from top to bottom. I'm currently washing his clothes and cooking his food every week, as he has no washing machine no cooker his life skills are completely opposite to me. When he's on his own he will make sandwiches or get a takeaway he doesn't actually do shopping. He had a mushy wet floor in his kitchen that he left for 3 years and it seems things only get done when I nag and moan. Now I live alone with my 2 children, and he comes here every weekend, every single weekend which at times even that annoys me, once he's here I enjoy his company and we do have a laugh and he helps me a bit around the house, walks my dog, washes the pots after I've cooked a meal and helps me put away wet washing from time to time. But this weekend I snapped, obviously I live as the only adult in my home I'm constantly cleaning and cooking meals for me and the kids and him when he's here, but there's a lot more work to do in a home which I do. And I got annoyed and snapped at him this weekend basically because when he's here I notice things that wouldn't happen when he's not here. He scrapes loads of crumbs into the butter. Made a sandwhich and left a tornado of mess on the sides. Leaves the taps all slimey as he has dentures which I'm perfectly fine with but it's the mess. He smokes and left loads of burns next to my bed followed by a patch off Ash. And I'm the one constantly going around scrubbing it back out. I'm due to get a new carpet soon anyway as this one is quite old but I just feel I have to constantly nag and moan at him and I can't be bothered it's like talking to my children, I know he doesn't clean his flat like I clean my home. He never gives it a deep clean. His coat is always full off food 😩 so I said to him this weekend like how can you seriously go out the house with thst on and then I'm the one washing it for him and making sure it's dry.
Like I said he is lovely and I have seen positive changes in himself where he has tried to be better for me, but there's times I think of it all and it really makes me angry. Whenever I moan about it he doesn't see where I'm coming from he sees it as an attack. I find it embarrassing that I'm seeing someone who lives the way he lives with no sense of passion about his own living environment I think that bugs me the most. He says the most stupid things to me as well like clueless things like mentally were not always on the same level he does come across very childish at times with things he says or like he will say really dumb stupid things. I'm 33 he's 30 yet it feels he's 18. So opinionated about the world around him yet hadn't got a clue how to be independent on his own and it infuriates me so much. He would be happy to move in with me right now as it has been nearly 3 years and I'm still happy just seeing him on a weekend, I like my space and my own company and time plus Mon to Friday I'm busy with work and then coming home and sorting the kids out and cooking and cleaning then its weekend and my only actual chill time is spent with him. And even then sometimes I feel like saying I just want the weekend to myself but that would make me feel guilty 😔 in this last year I have got new furniture that I put up by myself in the living room and dining room as it needed replacing, I had new carpets and laminate fitted. I ripped up the old one and moved everything out the way all on my own and then recently decorated my bedroom. With 0 help, because I am an adult that is my responsibility to do. And I think of how he lives in his flat it gets me down tbh. And then I moaned that at the weekends he doesn't help me clean that much and he took massive offence to it and maybe I am in the wrong for expecting more help from him but I cook for him and clean wash dry put away his and all of our clothes I'm basically running the ship and I explained if I ever lived with him I see myself doing it all because I am now, I don't want that. And he doesn't understand that I like my own space and have no plans on moving home in. I've been a mother to a partner before and I know it woukd be the same in this situation. And I just feel I like my independence to much so I don't know maybe I'm being to harsh on him but I expect certain things from a man. He could offer to wash his own clothes for crying out loud. I'm just sick if feeling like I'm being the nagging mother telling him how to do things properly and then moaning at him when he doesn't do it correctly

Oh good heavens what are you doing with this man! Honestly, the first time I saw a house like that would be the last time I'd see it. I would never go there again and I would dump him immediately. I would want an adult not a dysfunctional teenager.

I certainly wouldn't want this man anywhere near my children. I don't care how nice he is. If he isn't functional enough to have a house with furniture in it and to keep it clean then I'm not interested.

Have you heard the saying on here, women are not rehab centres for dysfunctional men?

See here..
And I promise your home and dc will smell of smoke..
Whenever my dc stayed at my dm's many moon's ago they and their hair and clothes smelled.. She smoked outside only... Her clothes and hair smelled.. And her breathe...
Grim.

So basically you have three children. You don't need this scruffy guy in your life. It sounds as though you are doing great on your own. Why are you hanging on to him? I would boot him to the curb. Think how nice and clean your life will be.

THIS!

I just want to say that some of these comments have been helpful and some have been utterly cruel and just harsh. Remember I am a human at the end of the day with feelings and not a heartless robot ffs. One person said I was abusing my kids because I smoke, sorry how many people in the world smoke? I think some people have been so insensitive with how they've worded things and it's cruel. What if I was a person who was suffering with mental health and those harsh comments tipped me over the edge ? You can't tell me I'm abusing my children or that my home smells and my children smell. I get people are entitled to their opinion but there is no need to be so judge and harsh because I smoke. I smoke about 5 cigarettes a day, that is not a lot. My home does not smell at all I come home from work and my house smells nice and fresh now maybe if I sat in my living room all day dossing about smoking consistently then yeah maybe it would smell a bit smokey and the walls would be yellow ect but I'm telling you 100 percent my home and my children nor myself smell of smoke. I don't smoke around them or when we're out together. I'm very angry that people have made such a fuss over someone smoking. But most importantly making out I abuse my children and that they smell. Again I suggest you think about how your words and the way you phrase things could impact someone else because I think it could have been said a little bit nicer with more care instead of insulting me as a mother. God help you give someone advice who's on the brink of a crises and your words tip them over the edge. It's shameful.
Thanks to everyone who's been nice and friendly and actually made valid points without being a bully about it. I will take that advice on board and to those who have been horrible well I know what I have said is true 👍 you can have your opinion and your views but I know those are wrong.

My father and his partner used to visit me for an afternoon.

Stupidly I didn't stop them smoking.

Even with windows open the smell would wake me up in the night. It permeates the whole house

Including your children's bedrooms.

Smokers never smell it but everyone else does.

You don't smell it

But it's there. And air fresheners either mask or put a sickly smell over the top.

Smoking isn't clean.

And he is gross.

OP smokers always think that they don’t smell of smoke. They do. They just can’t smell it anymore because they have gone ‘nose blind’ to it. If you think about it, if you can tolerate 25 minutes or more a day of inhaling that crap into your nose throat and lungs, you’re not likely to smell it lingering in your hair or on your skin and clothes afterwards.

Giving up will be one of the best things you can do for yourself and your DC. I hope you can think about it one day.

💐

Does he have undiagnosed additional needs as he sounds like my son but he was diagnosed autistic. He needs routine and to be told constantly certain things and he is super messy. He doesn't check his clothes and didn't really wash unless told. He has alarms on his phone for everything from getting up, to putting each item of clothing on so he doesn't forget. We have to check he is clean and presentable. He is trying to make an effort at last on his hair as he wants it long so gave him the ultimatum that it's long it needs washing at very least 2-3days. He is managing to do it. My hubby is also autistic but opposite to our son. He has OCD 😂 has a job but everything has to be in his routine and he hates things changing suddenly. I think if you lived together you would find more things like this.

You don't have an adult relationship, you've just acquired another child to take care of. The situation is not going to change, if it hasn't in the last 3 years. You either get rid or stop complaining about him because he's happy with who he is.

I got the ick just reading that. He comes across as a slob who has no incentive to get better. I really think OP would be better off without him.

It sounds like you're being a right mug doing his washing and cooking 🙄 don't you want to be in a relationship with an adult man rather than an overgrown child who can't do the basics of taking care of his own living space?

You know when someone really nice is with someone that drags them down a bit, and everyone is thinking 'she could do so much better..'.... that's you right now, OP. Sorry x You know what you have to do..

NRTFT
It certainly doesn’t sound like one for me OP, but not everyone has grown up in an environment where their parents are able to model good living habits and hygiene. I’ve heard of people wh9 have never had a bath because the bath at home was always full of rubbish.You aren’t born knowing when a coat is grubby and so won’t see it.

The way he lives and his teeth make me suspect he l grew up in a shithole, with parents who also had no role models and lived in a shithole growing up poor and neglected. Its the cycle of poverty perpetuating itself.

You have two choices- get rid- you are certainly not in love with him
or help him to buy a washing machine, clear out his flat- beds, carpets, curtains , the lot, and help him create a lovely home by showing him how to do it.

And just one other non smoker telling you that your house will smell of smoke, so will your kids, your clothes, your hair and everything you value
in your lovely home. I’m guessing his smoking comes with his background, what’s your excuse?

Just one word, Yuck!!! 🤮

For one he shouldn’t be smoking in the house, around children or in bed it’s a fire hazard, makes the place stink and is a health hazard to your children. Two he sounds like he’s been through a lot and given that he’s got dentures at 30 years of age I imagine he’s never taken care of himself and might need mental health support. I think you need to sit down with him calmly and talk through what’s bothering you and how you feel and if he can’t understand why you feel the way you do or offer compromise then I think the relationship has run its course.

You are a smoker who smokes in the bedroom every weekend with another smoker . Believe me your house reeks of smoke !

👆This 👆

The only bit I disagree with is the decorating of his flat. I’ve lived in my house for 15 years and only got round to decorating in the last 3. This was due to many things. I moved in married and childless, we then had children, he then left and I’ve been single coming up 10 years. Financially it’s been difficult and decorating was not at the top on my spending list. And the absolute hassle of decorating was also putting me off - packing up rooms etc.

Your partner sounds like my ex when we were in our 20s and he house shared. When we met he lived with his parents but then moved in with his friends as they worked together. Their house was beautiful when they moved in as it belonged to one lad’s parents who had bought a new property and rented it to them. But over the years it very quickly became disgusting and like one of those places on horror cleaning programmes. It smelled awful as some smoked. It became damp as they didn’t keep it ventilated. Their massive dinner table became covered in dirty plates and pots and you had to clean to eat. His room was disgusting and the whole place cluttered, dirty etc. I stopped going and he came to mine mostly. After we got married we bought somewhere together and kept it lovely. However he got a job down south and we lived up north and i didn’t want to move so he took the job for a year and moved into another house share. It was the same situation with house cleanliness as previous and I hated visiting. It was like being a student again after being married and owning our own place. He stayed in that job longer than planned but did eventually come home and we relocated nearer my family as he was still travelling with the job but not living away. In our own home we shared the housework etc but to be honest neither of us are good at high standards and the minimal look a lot of families go for. Fast forward to him and I splitting up and he moving to his own place. He’s back to living in a bit of a tip again. His excuse is he works away a lot but when he has the kids (not as often as he should due to travel) they have to spend time helping tidy.

I suspect looking back he has adhd. I think he’s even joked about it. One of our kids is autistic and the other I suspect is adhd. I work on the field and have come to learn a lot about neurodivergence and think this may be where he struggles. And also where I struggle with the clutter side of things (my house is clean but clutter is always an issue).

He smokes in your house, you are feeding and washing for him, has dentures at 30 and food in his coat? Honestly, he sounds awful-I would be ending the relationship today.

I cant even finish reading it. He sounds disgusting. Dump him!

If you smoke in the house with your children then the house and kids clothes/hair 100% smell you just wont be able to smell it yourself

I'm a little like that myself my home is clean and slightly cluttered which I do keep boxing things up and taking to charity I held onto a lot of sentimental things growing up so most of it is in storage it just needs going through and sorting out. He does help me clean slightly again he's only here evening times in the weekend. But I feel myself nagging at him as he doesn't do it the way I do it, he does try but also adds to the mess at times. His flat I don't think he has an excuse he works Mon to Sat but chooses not to take time off work ( he isn't paid if he takes time off because its a dodgy job they don't do everything by the books) but he earns around 1400 per month and doesn't claim any benefits so he's not doing anything wrong his employers are. I can't understand why he lives the way he does and it does bother me. And the fact he doesn't have the same life skills as me maybe he has additional needs I'm not sure but I wasn't brought up the best and I'm fine. I keep my house clean and tidy I clean every single day. Where as he goes home and plays xbox and never really gives it a deep clean buying sprays and the things an adult should be doing he has no clue.

If he has dentures at the age of 30 are you sure he isn't a drug user/addict/ex addict?

Having dentures at such a young age is a huge red flag and must either be the result of a bad accident or drugs. This isn't forgetting to clean your teeth after a packet of polos.

Didn't get past the first sentence where you knew he lived like that and started a relationship anyway!

Get a grip!