Getting annoyed with boyfriend!

[sezy2016]

Just need a rant tonight as it's been a stressful week. I have been seeing this guy since 2021, and it's been nearly 3 years and certain things really bug me about his hygiene and other stuff. When I first met him I was taken aback but I wanted to give him a chance. One of the main things I had an issue with was the way he lived in his flat. It was filthy, crumbs and bits all over the floor, mattress was dirty, no furniture ect. I said okay this guys been through some stuff from what he'd told me but eventually I stopped going to the flat. Eventually after a long time he fixed himself up dressed better made more of an effort, we got closer as I don't go to his anymore he comes to mine every weekend and we do have nice times and go out for meals and I do like him but then another part of me finds him utterly annoying and just different to me. It's been 3 years and he hasn't decorated his flat. The entire place needs fully refurbishing from top to bottom. I'm currently washing his clothes and cooking his food every week, as he has no washing machine no cooker his life skills are completely opposite to me. When he's on his own he will make sandwiches or get a takeaway he doesn't actually do shopping. He had a mushy wet floor in his kitchen that he left for 3 years and it seems things only get done when I nag and moan. Now I live alone with my 2 children, and he comes here every weekend, every single weekend which at times even that annoys me, once he's here I enjoy his company and we do have a laugh and he helps me a bit around the house, walks my dog, washes the pots after I've cooked a meal and helps me put away wet washing from time to time. But this weekend I snapped, obviously I live as the only adult in my home I'm constantly cleaning and cooking meals for me and the kids and him when he's here, but there's a lot more work to do in a home which I do. And I got annoyed and snapped at him this weekend basically because when he's here I notice things that wouldn't happen when he's not here. He scrapes loads of crumbs into the butter. Made a sandwhich and left a tornado of mess on the sides. Leaves the taps all slimey as he has dentures which I'm perfectly fine with but it's the mess. He smokes and left loads of burns next to my bed followed by a patch off Ash. And I'm the one constantly going around scrubbing it back out. I'm due to get a new carpet soon anyway as this one is quite old but I just feel I have to constantly nag and moan at him and I can't be bothered it's like talking to my children, I know he doesn't clean his flat like I clean my home. He never gives it a deep clean. His coat is always full off food 😩 so I said to him this weekend like how can you seriously go out the house with thst on and then I'm the one washing it for him and making sure it's dry.
Like I said he is lovely and I have seen positive changes in himself where he has tried to be better for me, but there's times I think of it all and it really makes me angry. Whenever I moan about it he doesn't see where I'm coming from he sees it as an attack. I find it embarrassing that I'm seeing someone who lives the way he lives with no sense of passion about his own living environment I think that bugs me the most. He says the most stupid things to me as well like clueless things like mentally were not always on the same level he does come across very childish at times with things he says or like he will say really dumb stupid things. I'm 33 he's 30 yet it feels he's 18. So opinionated about the world around him yet hadn't got a clue how to be independent on his own and it infuriates me so much. He would be happy to move in with me right now as it has been nearly 3 years and I'm still happy just seeing him on a weekend, I like my space and my own company and time plus Mon to Friday I'm busy with work and then coming home and sorting the kids out and cooking and cleaning then its weekend and my only actual chill time is spent with him. And even then sometimes I feel like saying I just want the weekend to myself but that would make me feel guilty 😔 in this last year I have got new furniture that I put up by myself in the living room and dining room as it needed replacing, I had new carpets and laminate fitted. I ripped up the old one and moved everything out the way all on my own and then recently decorated my bedroom. With 0 help, because I am an adult that is my responsibility to do. And I think of how he lives in his flat it gets me down tbh. And then I moaned that at the weekends he doesn't help me clean that much and he took massive offence to it and maybe I am in the wrong for expecting more help from him but I cook for him and clean wash dry put away his and all of our clothes I'm basically running the ship and I explained if I ever lived with him I see myself doing it all because I am now, I don't want that. And he doesn't understand that I like my own space and have no plans on moving home in. I've been a mother to a partner before and I know it woukd be the same in this situation. And I just feel I like my independence to much so I don't know maybe I'm being to harsh on him but I expect certain things from a man. He could offer to wash his own clothes for crying out loud. I'm just sick if feeling like I'm being the nagging mother telling him how to do things properly and then moaning at him when he doesn't do it correctly

Is this for real? You’ve seriously wasted 3 years wiping the arse of a trampy man child?

Honestly OP raise your bar from the gutter. Is having a man THAT important that you’d rather have someone Kim and Aggie would hose down with bleach?

Honestly it can’t just be me that thinks recently threads on MN seem to be a race to the bottom as to who tolerates the worst shit from their so called partner

He's treating you like a mother, and living like a tramp.

Ditch him, I feel sick just reading your post TBF.

I forgot how harsh some people can be at times but I also agree a lot of people wouldn't put up with type of situation either.
He does work Mon to Sat so i don't see him until around 630 In the evenings on the weekend. And I have to admit I smoke too but i smoke cigarettes and I also got into the habit of smoking in my room only on weekends, window open but I don't leave the mess behind that he leaves. The burns on the floor or the Ash stains that I end up scrubbing out. And when I say he's lovely I mean I have seen positive changes in him but again it's taken 3 years already it shouldn't have taken that long. He's polite and friendly to my Dc, there's no issues with how he is with the children and he's not horrible or nasty to me. He has helped out financially on the odd occasion without me asking if he knows things are a bit tight. And he Walks my dog and washes the pots. But it's the half jobs he's done or extra mess around the house that caused me to snap. The way he's still living in his flat that botheres me like he's living in 2 worlds essentially. If I'm being honest with myself if my eldest son lived the way he lived at home I would be so ashamed 😔 and that's obviously saying something. He keeps saying he's made all these changes and he's trying to do better but the flat situation really bugs me. I look at everything I've done in my home and redecorating getting new furniture and he hasn't done anything like that in his flat. I was happy to wash his cloths but now I'm washing them week in and week out and then nagging him he still has to wash things at home via a laundrette like his towels and bed sheets. As for living together I'm so independent and I enjoy my independence with just me and my kids I don't think I'd ever live with a man again the routine is completely different, the dentures comments I agree it's not ideal but that's what had to happen and thr slime is from when he's cleaning them ect which he has to do daily. I just know we're on completely different wavelengths with life skills, maturity self care and basic skills it does annoy me he doesn't know how to cook. He works till 5 every night takes 0 holidays so never gives himself time he needs to actually get things done. I've tried to teach him how to cook and peel potatoes and even that was hard work. So now I cook and he will wash up which is helpful but I find myself constantly picking at him now about how he's doing things wrong, we're not compatible and I know that deep down. I did feel sorry for him and it made me soft, he had no one. I'm happy seeing him on the weekends and I do care for him a lot tbh but this whole situation just sucks 😕

When I first met him I was taken aback but I wanted to give him a chance.

Why? You weren't obligated to do that nor his washing nor focus your energies on him proving his living conditions.

Unfortunately, this is what happens when you give someome a chance. They generally remain exactly who they were all along and you get increasingly frustrated by it.

My SIL has always tried to save people.

She is the same age as me and has ended up out of pocket and is actually very unbalanced as a person and unhappy.

What sort of childhood did you have because you have zero standards when it comes to men.

OP you should definitely get rid of him.

But just wondering why you ended up with him in the first place? I guess it was around the end of lockdown, were you lonely?

I’m wondering if it’s a confidence issue on your part that you’ve settled for someone (by your own admission) inadequate.

It sounds like an easy set up in a way – you’re in control and he doesn’t take up much headspace as he’s got no standards or ambition and so you’re not diverted by being concerned what he thinks. You get a bit of companionship but without the pressures of a full and equal relationship with someone you respect.

Anyway, he’s cockblocking you and you should get rid.

Op what you're describing is The Ick.

He won't change, you shouldn't have to. Once you've got The Ick you won't ever be able to get rid of it, so you have to get rid of him.

You're not his parent, yet you're cooking for him, cleaning up after him and doing his washing. I assume he also makes zero financial contribution to your household whilst jeopardising your single adult status.

There are so many better men out there op. You need to do some work to figure out why you're putting up with this/him. Get rid.

You 're starting to wake up to who he really is Op, that's why you'd like a few weekends off and why you're getting annoyed. He lives like a slob, he has no motivation to improve himself unless you're behind him pushing him to change, basically he will never be different, you'll always be the one doing everything and he'll be happy to let you.
I suggest you tell him no to him staying this weekend, if he mithers about having to do his own washing then you'll know how he sees you, less GF, more the person who sorts his life for him

Agree with the poster above – definitely get a weekend to yourself asap. Reckon a bit of extra headspace will strengthen your resolve and you will feel much more clear about what you want.

He's struggled to learn to peel potatoes...

OP, you seem like you don't like to judge people and are maybe not wanting to be horrible - but in not wanting to be horrible, you aren't being kind, honestly

I get he's probably been through a lot, and neglected himself so badly he lost his teeth 😔 - anybody would feel sympathy for him if they knew his story, which I'm guessing isn't one filled with sunshine - but it doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him!

You wouldn't be horrible if you left him - he needs to want to change his own life, you can't do that for him.

Plus, your children are watching - you wouldn't want them being with someone they don't want around, would you?

End things, OP, for yours and his sake. ❤️

Please tell me you don't shag him op? Get a dish washer and walk your own ddog. It must be more hygienic than that creature you are seeing surely?.

I feel ill

Seriously? Get rid

And I know it's not the point of the thread but, smoking in bedrooms??
You're whole upstairs must smell...
That on top of his filth...

Ask yourself if your life is actually better with this man in it. You've never mentioned the word love, so I assume after 3 years you don't love him. No equal relationship can be founded on you feeling sorry for someone. A partner should enhance your life, improve it and make it better in every way but this awful-sounding man does not do that for you. You can have a fully happy life single.

Er...

I disagree I do have standards, which is why I'm constantly nagging and moaning about things he should be doing. I feel your comment is a very harsh one if I'm being honest. I live a clean life, I'm constantly on the go and a busy bee.

Your home smells of smoke.. That's child abuse imo.

I just want to clarify he is great around the kids, he takes us out for meals and we do have nice moments together. He isn't a bad person it's more his lifestyle that botheres me and does give me the ick. My children get along with him fine and when he's here he is clean and tidy but again that was down to me nagging. I suppose it botheres me a hell of a lot how he lives his life when he's home. How he doesn't take care of himself he is very selfless and will help me out financially he can be helpful. But the flat thing does really gross me out, I always seem to be nagging him about leaving a mess or like the coat incident his coat was filthy and he wasn't phased by it. And that bothers me. He's made 0 effort to get a washing machine but he had to wait to have his kitchen floor fixed which still hasn't been done after over 2 and half years. There is no sense of rush to get things important done. Where as me I'm the opposite. My washing machine broke recently so I had to take a loan and I brought a new one. Installed it myself. And then when I do mention these things to him like I recently have he gets defensive over sensitive makes out I'm attacking him, saying he treats me well which he does but the issue was about him being clean and tidy and helping me around the house. He comes in straight from work on a weekend and does start putting pots away if there are any on the draining board, and he will take my dog out but I suppose I was getting annoyed that I'm cleaning the entire house plus washing plus entertaining the kids and all he does is wash pots and walk my dog. He says I'm only there for a few hours which is true but I just expect more and I hate having to ask for help. I do feel maybe I'm being harsh in asking him to help me more around the house as this is my house after all and he is only here on a weekend with limited time on his hands. But again I go back to the flat and the fact he doesn't do certain things unless I push and moan. He does seem so childish 🙄 he's currently annoyed with me for making a point about his coat and the fact that I'm doing his washing and cooking and I feel I'm taking on a lot and he seems to think I'm acting this way because we didn't go out this weekend. Money has nothing to do with it, I bring in more income than he does.

My home doesn't smell of smoke 🤣 a lot of people do smoke in their homes, I smoke at my back door. I have air freshners in the living room. The smoking in the bedroom only happens at night time at the weekend door is closed and window is open, but I agree in the day my room wouldn't smell so nice due to the smoking, so I would be spraying it to make it fresh again. But the house itself doesn't smell of smoke that's ridiculous. I have said I don't want anymore smoking in the bedroom anymore. Because of the smell and the mess he leaves. But don't make out my house stinks of smoke. Your making assumptions and that's not very nice. I smoke at my backdoor in my kitchen. I don't smoke around the kids at all.

As for saying child abuse that's a little extreme 🤣 my children live very happy and fulfilled lives full of love and affection. They eat healthy and have clean bedrooms, and we regularly go out and do fun things. I do those things for my children to make memories and enjoy my time with them. Using the word child abuse when there are actually children who are actually suffering being neglected and abused and not being fed is a very horrible and insensitive comment to make. It's bizarre you even used that wording

As a bloke who has been on the receiving end of a breakup in the past year I think you both need to sit down and communicate with each other. If you both decide to call it quits and move on then do so but try and do it mutually and at least on good terms. From what you have said it sounds like you are both polar opposites anyway so maybe it is for the best, but don't be cruel about it

Op I thought this post was a joke???

How in the world can you live like this most of us couldn’t? If this is how’s it’s like when you’re not married…

You’re not in a relationship with a man, you’re with a child. Just leave, plenty of men out there

I'm glad to hear he's good to you in some ways Op but I still stand by what I said earlier. This relationship can only move on if your live together and one day a week is very different from that. So many women on here posting about men who don't pull their weight but still end up living with them and are then both unhappy, and strangely surprised, by the fact he goes on doing all the things they didn't like. Some men presume women love them just as they are so they don't like being asked to change, you can already see he gets upset when you ask him to try harder, but you need to put emotion to one side- is he really the man you can see yourself growing old with?

Just vile. Throw him back in the pond. This is going nowhere good. And smoking indoors!

OP Did you realise that the Reply button on Mumsnet doesn't work?

If you want to respond to someone, click on the three dots, and select QUOTE.