Why do we feel the need to label ourselves instead of accepting we are all different?

[Rainbow03]

I wanted to find out whether I was neurodiverse. I’ve just realised that I wanted that diagnosis not for myself but so that other people would accept my “differentness”, I’d have a reason and an excuse for the way I am. I could say to family and work colleagues etc yeah excuse me I do that because I’ve actually got ADHD or this disorder. Really I should just accept myself for who I am and if people don’t accept me then it’s their loss and move on.

I think it would be a lot better out there if we accepted differences instead of making people have to excuse themselves . I feel people want to be normal, who specified normal and why do I and others aspire to be like it. It’s awful being different and being snubbed.

Im sure there must be lots of people acting “normal” who hide a lot of themselves so they fit in.

It’s quite nice when you accept yourself. I for one am going to stop digging into why I am the way I am and how I can change myself into a more “normal” person and embrace my own weirdness!!!

What do you think? Should we change to fit in more?

@ProfessorPipsqueak you have had a different experience to myself. I’ve been called lazy, hippy flu amongst many others. I have to constantly remind people at my work why I can’t do what they ask, lift boxes, climb the ladder etc. Hidden illness are not great having to constantly tell people why you can’t do something and have them say oh well you look so well.

Half the people I work with don’t even think it’s a real illness and I’m sure label me lots of unkind things. My one father in law said it’s made up.

I get that and I wrote the post in haste it probably came across more harshly than I intended

I prefer to be diagnosed with ADHD then labelled lazy, selfish, uncaring, stupid, flakey, over sensitive and all those other horrible labels people have given me over the years...

So for me, a diagnosis is not a label, it's an explanation.

Having diagnoses of ADHD and autism makes me MORE accepting of myself - I just am this way, it’s not laziness/lack of trying. Being diagnosed was very freeing and an act of self acceptance for me.

I agree that in an ideal world we wouldn’t need diagnoses because the world would accommodate difference - the reality is that it currently doesn’t (although that’s improving). That’s why I consider myself
to be disabled as per the social model of disability - I’m not ill, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me, but the world is not designed for people like me, just like it’s not designed for people in wheelchairs. Having a diagnosis gives legal protection (although technically you don’t need a diagnosis, see the equality act 2010 section on protected characteristics at work) and an easy shorthand way of explaining my differences to others.

@KnitFastDieWarm thats exactly what I was trying to say but badly. I was getting a diagnosis so others would accept me instead of accepting myself for who I was and making adjustments for myself. (Obviously not ones that hurt others). We are so not taught self acceptance, well not enough I don’t think. I will absolutely be teaching my children.

My teenage DS is able to see he is ‘different’ from his peers. Having the diagnosis gives me an explanation for why. We talk about everyone is different. We talk about ‘normal’ and he came to conclusion that no one is actually normal but we just think of things or people as normal if they behave the way we expect them to.
I think the diagnosis has been useful also to help DS understand why the NT’s are weird. Because NT’s sometimes behave in ways he doesn’t always understand just like ND would do it say things that would be unexpected from an NT perspective. My DS is very accepting of himself most of times but somethings he does find hard because sometimes he does just want to ‘conform’ and be like everyone else. He is a teenager though and teens go through that phase of trying to be exactly like everyone else. So I hope that once he gets older he will once again be happy in his own skin.

Same. I was diagnosed early/mid 20ies and it was genuinely life changing for me.

I was suffering from depression and anxiety and diagnosis was… well, not a perfect cure. But as much as a cure as I could ever realistically hope for. I went from completely miserable and non-functioning to upbeat, fairly optimistic and functioning!

@Crunchingleaf I definitely want the diagnosis for my daughter, the younger the better to help her navigate this world. I’m 40 and spent 40 years beating myself up as well
as my family and husband.

I had my ADHD diagnosis last year. I'm 52. I'm so glad for it because now my life makes sense instead of me feeling a bit lost and alone.

I’m currently awaiting assessment for adhd which I’m 99.9% I have. I like labels, when I was diagnosed with ocd I felt like a weight had been lifted because I suddenly made sense to me in my head. Same with anxiety/depression - I look too much at ‘normal’ people then beat myself up for my failure to perform as they do, so the label for me makes me feel happier so I can find others who get it out there in the world. I don’t necessarily engage with them, but knowing what to read to help myself in life is great. I don’t need to tell anyone and rarely do unless it’s relevant, I just know that I’m not odd or weird or useless at life, I’m just a tad different!

It’s just sad that a lot of people suffer for so long not being happy with themselves as they don’t fit a mould. It should be ok to be different without needing a diagnosis. I don’t see myself anymore as not right. But then we are all different.

I think this can work both ways sometimes. I feel for myself I probably do have some female ADHD qualities, but I don’t feel the need to seek out a diagnosis because it won’t make a difference apart from giving me a label. Maybe there’s a level of self acceptance that a diagnosis can bring if you struggle to accept yourself without one.

Diagnosis is not only about acceptance. It's usually required for treatment and support.

@Begsthequestion yes I get for treatment but support I suppose you can find in lots of places. I think maybe it depends on how much it affects your life. I’m particularly high functioning which makes it slightly more manageable but I can reach burnout without realising it’s coming. I mask an awful lot as it’s all Ive learned to do to cope every day.

No, I don’t agree. Things like ADHD share commonalities with mental health conditions. Untreated, they can prevent people from living up to their potential, leave people vulnerable, impact peoples judgement, they can cause problems in relationships and they can be burdensome for family and friends.

If a person is just different and is functioning well then there is no problem, but that is the exception, not the rule.

I'm neurodivergent. There are quite a lot of us about. I'm diagnosed autistic, but my comorbidities are adhd, gad, rsd. That's just the nd ones. These are my labels, I'm entitled to them and I am proud of them. I might not have 'fulfilled my potential', but I got a long way despite dragging a range of disabilities along with me. Knowing I'm nd makes me more, not less.

@MCOut I guess I’m wrong and coming about it in a way that may be ok like you say if functioning ok, I’m sure others would prefer medicine if it impacted really hard. I myself suffer with controlling emotions and find it hard with connections to people. I feel rejection quite strong as living so long feeling different leaves you with these feelings. They are manageable now I know why I feel them.

@StopStartStop thats really something to be proud of. I often put myself down because I know I should have achieved a lot more. I have a masters degree and loved the work I should have been able to do but I couldn’t cope with the stress and we’ll all of it that came with the job. Given what I’ve been born with and all the trauma I’ve gained along the way I have done ok I suppose. Can’t help but feel I should have done more.

I think it’s naive to think anyone will treat you more gently with a diagnosis. People are harsh.

@OriginalUsername2 yes I’ve definitely got the impression it’s fit in or f##k off with a lot of things. Unless you with like minded people.

It definitely depends on how much it affects your life. That's the nature of disability.

Some people with undiagnosed ADHD struggle with addiction because of the dopamine-enhancing effect of drugs, or get themselves into risky or criminal situations because of impulsivity, or an inability to hold down a regular job. It's estimated that a large proportion of prisoners have undiagnosed ADHD. The low reading rates suggest that dyslexia is also prevalent.

It's well documented that undiagnosed ADHD can cause severe anxiety and depression, even suicide. Even with a diagnosis, the extreme frustration of constantly dealing with poor executive function, and not being able to do the things you want to do, can take its toll. So it's not a simple choice of (self) acceptance vs changing to fit in.

It's good that your condition is mild and you can function without treatment, but I wonder if that is leading you to think that diagnosis is just about "labelling your weirdness" and "excusing yourself " so if everyone was a bit more understanding then it would be unnecessary. You didn't even mention treatment until I did, just now.

I think it's useful to bear in mind re: your original question that for others, diagnosis is not at all just about a label or acceptance. For many, ADHD is a disability and the treatment and support that comes with diagnosis can be vital to a healthy life, or any life at all.

@Begsthequestion yes I understand. It is a
disability, it’s hard and tiring and I was told the reason why I developed my chronic fatigue.

My ex has said he has ADHD or thought not formally diagnosed. He was always addicted to something. He became abusive though and hurt people when they didn’t see it his way. He showed very little empathy. I know it can be very disabling and can cause you to
hurt people (not excusing his behaviour). It’s more disabling for others.

Reading this I'm a bit puzzled then how you've come to the conclusion that perhaps diagnosis is unnecessary and just a label?

@Begsthequestion I wish I’d stop labelling myself and actually listened to myself back then. I may have been ND but I tried to be like everybody else and that made me suffer trauma which feels worse (for me anyway). Perhaps I would have suffered trauma even if I had a diagnosis. People still will put labels on you anyway.

My ex may have had ADHD even if undiagnosed but that doesn’t excuse him shouting and throwing things at me. I’m pretty sure he has something else going on aswell, I’m sure the drugs didn’t help.

Im thinking perhaps early diagnosis is good, may stop the trauma.