My DP doesnt want sex at bedtime

[AmIBadlyAdjusted]

NC for this. I've been with my DP for about 3 years now. We don't live together but he stays over at mine at weekends and 2 or 3 times in the week. Basically he only wants sex between about 4pm and 6:30 pm, i.e. when he gets back from work. We've only had sex at bedtime twice, once was the first time we slept together on a weekend away, and the other time about 6 months later.

We always have a cuddle in bed before we fall asleep, but if we begin to get aroused he'll say stuff like, 'now don't start all that, I need to go to sleep', which used to make me feel a bit rejected and hurt, but I just accept it now :-(

As a bit of background, I'm 50, he's 40. I work part time in the mornings. He's a manual worker, doesnt eat during the day, and we have a meal around 8ish and he's falling asleep by 9ish. We go to bed quite soon after that.

I don't mind sex during the day occasionally, but now the initial 'honeymoon' phase has worn off, I find I have to psych myself up for it :-( I much prefer to just fall asleep after DTD, I don't really want to be getting up and about again afterwards. This is beginning to get to me, we don't have sex very often due to this (on my part) and I don't know what to do about it.

Why isn’t he eating all day? That can't be helping his energy levels.

With mismatched sex drives you need to communicate. My BF likes to do it before dinner as he gets stomach cramps after eating and also goes to bed early. I’m a night owl and prefer doing it later, but I accept that if we don’t do it earlier sometimes we miss the boat entirely! So yeah, most often it’s on his schedule because I CAN whereas on my schedule he physically can’t. Sounds like you’re in the same boat.

He maybe needs to be more flexible at the weekends and you more flexible during the week?

I'm like this. No inclination at bedtime. Mornings, weekends?
Also if he's falling asleep at 9 can't he go to bed then, before you, and maybe do it in the night? That works for me- it's what people used to do with a first and second sleep. I think if he works a manual job it's understandable that he is craving those first few hours of sleep above anything else !

Never liked it at bedtime. Just wanted to go to sleep. Mornings and afternoons much better.

Thanks for responses.
@BigPussyEnergy I've asked him about that, he says he doesn't want to stop, just do the work and come home, he'd done it for years apparently. We have talked about it a few times, he actually physcially could DTD at bedtime but he's really sleepy, falls asleep quicky, but doesn't sleep that well, so is always focussed on getting sleep.
@napody mornings at weekend might work. Not sure he'd be up for in the night. And yeah, he definitely craves sleep and I understand that.

I suppose it's the lack of compromise that's upsetting too, I feel like I've compromised on this 90% of the time, but for a bloke if the inclination isn't there, then compromise isn't possible.

Oh and this morning as he went out the door he implied maybe we could DTD later cos it's been ages (a couple of weeks), and I said 'but I have an exercise class this eve'. And that's made me feel shitty for turning him down - prompted me to start this thread 😔

It's tricky, and I'm not saying he's in the right- he needs to recognise its important to you. But I really think you need to take it less personally- if he's been working a manual job all day and you've worked a PT morning job he is always going to be much more tired at bedtime.

Tell him he's on for after work tomorrow, when you don't have an exercise class!

Mark it on the calendar, suggest he eats something through the day so the evening meal doesn't have to be so big (or have a lighter, smaller meal regardless)

Is early morning or in the middle of the night better than the afternoon for you?
Maybe you are not suited for the long term.

This. Manual work on zero food. Can't be helping his libido.

I'm the same - don't go to bed until I'm tired so I'm not interested in sex then. My OH and I have been together for more than 10 years and we only ever have sex in the morning 😁

I don't think it's fair to say you compromise more on this. You only work in the morning. So have a whole day to rest up. He is in manual work, full day. So for him sleep is really important.

In a way you are saying - why doesn't he sacrifice sleep for my preference to not get up after sex. His need here tramps yours, as yours is simply a preference.

I’ll be honest i prefer early morning or late night sex. I think it’s his unwillingness to compromise on this that’s the real issue. When you’ve got different preferences, there has to be huge and take but sounds as though he’s not prepared to take your needs and wants into account, it’s all about him. Your preferences are equally as valid as his

If I have sex before bed I don’t sleep a wink whereas for my OH it’s like sleep medicine. If he has sex in the morning the day is as good as cancelled. You just need to find something that works for both of you, I bet it’s not rejection or a reflection on you, people are just different

I'm the same. If I have sex before bedtime I'm wide awake and can guarantee a poor night's sleep. Afternoon is actually ideal for me, same as your DP, but I'm happy with morning.

If he's a manual worker I imagine decent sleep is even more important to him than most.

It really isn't a rejection of you at all, people just have different internal schedules. I don't really have a solution though, apart from just keep communicating with each other and trying to find some sort of compromise that suits you both?

I like bed time sex but my dh wants it in the morning which i hate.

Does your bloke get back from his manual job all dirty and stinky, bad breath from not eating all day and probably poor short sex performance? If i were dating i wouldnt want him because it doesnt appeal to me.

I love sleeping after an orgasm. Im sleepy and sweaty after sex i dont want either at day time!

I could never sleep after sex. Used to keep me awake.

Oxytocin and all that gentle caressing and rocking are great for putting me to sleep u gals must be getting rattled in cartwheel position, standing up 69s and other acrobatic skills. Falling asleep after a missionary or spoons is so natural to me. I love how different we all r 😆

Same, keeps me awake for at least a couple of hours.

All those extra alert after sex, did you actually orgasm?

Every time, or sex isn't "over" in our house.

Thanks for all the responses 😊
I no longer really feel rejected because I do understand he needs sleep.

@Sashya its not a preference as such, I’m just not in the mood at that time of day! Sometimes I’ve made a conscious effort to get myself in the mood, (stopped what I’ve been doing and just sat and thought about it to get a bit of headspace) but then he’s not been interested the 2 or 3 times I’ve tried this.

and no he’s not smelly, dirty, bad breath etc.
and I’m def with @hardwig at the sleeping after orgasm thing 😁
i don’t mind mornings if I don’t have to get up immediately but he says he’s a bit sensitive then and worries about lasting long enough 😁
guess we’ll just have to keep talking

Hate bedtime sex. Much prefer during the day.

I'm never in the mood just before bedtime either.

No bedtime sex here either. I just cba by then.

I prefer daytime sex as im more energetic.

Hate nightime sex.