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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god... I need some quick advice

30 replies

BringBackLilt · 05/02/2024 19:33

I've just gently told my 10 year old DS that I have been seeing someone.

He's taken it really badly and I'm not sure where to go with this.

I have been with DP for a year now, DS knew nothing at all about it, I'd deliberately kept it completely separate, making sure this was a long term thing before I mentioned anything. I only see DP when DS is at his dad's, so he had no idea at all. I'd started to feel uncomfortable that I was effectively lying to DS when he asked me what I'd done while he was at his dad's. Also, I felt it was a little like I was keeping DP a secret, which isn't nice for him. DP has had absolutely no part in this btw. Has never pushed for me to tell him about him or meet him. He's the loveliest, most calm and considerate man. This was 100% my idea to tell DS.

DS is really upset. I've gone to great lengths to explain that absolutely nothing will change between us AT ALL. He doesn't have to meet him or anything like that if he doesn't want to. I have absolutely no intentions of intertwining our lives in any way whatsoever.

I've explained to him that I've been seeing him all this time and nothing has changed between us, so it's no different now. I just wanted to be open with him.

DS said "what about dad?" So it looks like he's been holding out some hope we'd get back together, even though we've been split for 8 years. dS doesn't even remember us all living together. While everything is very friendly, there's definitely never been any suggestion we could reunite, although obviously I know he could have privately been thinking this.

DS is now in his room after asking for some space, which I'm respecting.

Shit. I'm absolutely panicking now that I've somehow spoiled things between us. We are SO close, I'm devastated he's taken it like this. I tried everything I could to explain it gently and emphasise it won't have an impact on him,but he's so upset.

What do I do? Please be kind. I feel like the world's worst mother right now.

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 05/02/2024 19:36

You have to move on with your life as a grown up and your son will come to terms with this.

Just take it very very slow

But don't give up your relationship, your son won't be around forever, he will live his own life at some point.

Original poster
BringBackLilt · 05/02/2024 19:39

Thank you for the reply.

Yes, I will certainly take it very slowly. There'll be absolutely no mention of meeting or anything like that. I genuinely don't want anything to change myself right now, I just wanted to be honest with him.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 05/02/2024 19:42

Continue to take it slowly. But don’t let him emotionally blackmail you into giving up a good relationship.
He’s had a shock. He’ll get through it but stay consistent in what you want. A reconciliation between his parents is never happening. I’m surprised that after 8 years his dad hasn’t met someone else.

newtlover · 05/02/2024 19:42

children nearly always wish their parents will get back together
it might be obvious to any adult that's not going to happen, but I think you have to spell it out from the first that it won't

Flyingfoxgirl · 05/02/2024 19:50

It might not be his dad that he's really worrying about. As far as he's aware he had been the only "man" in your life up until now. It might almost feel to him like you've been cheating on him and he doesn't quite know how to deal with those feelings. I am absolutly NOT saying you have done anything wrong, or suggesting that you should have told him earlier, or that you need to abandon your new relationship for your son's feelings. I am just suggesting that he may be confused that he is no longer the only one in your life. He will need time and will come round to the idea, but it will take time. You've told him now, let it sink in and don't pressure him to talk about it. Bring it up again in a few weeks ? Little by little the idea will sink in. Maybe do something special just the two of you next weekend that you are together, without saying that it's because of what you told him. It's your actions that are going to show him that your relationship hasn't changed, words are just words (not that you'd lie to him, but he has to feel and to see rather than to hear that nothing has changed and only time will allow you to do that[

whosaidtha · 05/02/2024 19:56

Emotional blackmail?? He's a kid. Wtf?!

SarahFitzsimmons · 05/02/2024 19:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sletty · 05/02/2024 19:59

You are not the worst mother! You sound kind, caring and protective of your son. It will be ok

BirthdayRainbow · 05/02/2024 20:01

I wonder if his upset is because he feels you've been lying to him for a year. I'm not saying you have.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 05/02/2024 20:03

My son was very upset when I had to tell him the same. Eventually he got used to it and wanted my dp to move in!

Pinkbonbon · 05/02/2024 20:07

Does his dad date too?

If so, good time to point out that people are allowed to date when they are single. 'Your dad does and now so do I. It's normal'.

But for now giving him a little space is provably wise.

I certainly would not have said he never has to meet this person though.

You don't want to give him the idea that he has the say in your love life. He doesn't, or, shouldn't. He's just a child. And it's very dangerous to let a boy think he has has level of control over his mother.

Because in a few years, he'll be a big strong teen. And you don't want him thinking he's your boss.

MoonWoman69 · 05/02/2024 20:11

Just keep reiterating that you love him very much, that your DP will never take the place of his dad, that you've both moved on and have your own lives (you and your ExH I mean) and that you wanted to make sure DP was a nice person and that you weren't lying to him, (DS) just protecting him because you love him. I'm sure he'll come round, it's a tricky age for him. And it's very strange to imagine or see either of your parents in a new relationship. All you can do is keep reassuring him that nothing will change. Good luck 🤗❤

Original poster
BringBackLilt · 05/02/2024 20:16

Thank you all for your advice.

It's did cross my mind that he might feel like I've lied to him all this time, but I wasn't prepared to tell him anything at all until I was absolutely sure this was a long term thing. I'm now deeply in love with this man.

No, his dad doesn't date to my knowledge. Unfortunately he hasn't made the best decisions in his life since he left me, in fact he lives with his parents...I'm pretty sure there's been no one on the scene, although I could be wrong.

I'll try and speak to him again shortly, it has been us against the world for 8 years now. I've tried so hard to do the right thing, I just feel horrendously guilty hat's he's so upset. Perhaps I shouldn't have told him after all.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 05/02/2024 20:20

Is he afraid of change?

He's had both parents separate and single since he can remember and this is a huge change for him.He's not use to having to share a parent with anyone.

Pinkbonbon · 05/02/2024 20:24

He's probably just frightened he's going to have to share you.

'Listen up kid, I love you the most, always. Is fight monsters for you. I'd go to hell and back. Nothing will ever change that. But sometimes adults get lonely and need adult friends too. And sometimes those people become very special to us. It doesn't change how I feel about you and it never will. But I deserve to be happy don't you think? So does your dad. But I'm not responsible for him or his life choices, he has to find his own happiness'.

Lucy377 · 05/02/2024 20:29

It's not emotional blackmail.

Children often harbour a secret fantasy that the family group will get back together.

It's tough for him. His illusion has been shattered.
Sometimes they think if they keep that idea strong enough in their head it or wish it hard enough, it might happen.

Re state that you and his Dad are still his family group and will continue to surround him with love, even if you don't all live in the same house. And nothing can break those bonds.

Original poster
BringBackLilt · 05/02/2024 20:29

Thank you @Pinkbonbon that's pretty much what I've said to him 😊
That he will ALWAYS be number 1 and nothing will ever change that. He will always come first, and absolutely nothing has to change.
Shit, this is hard.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 05/02/2024 20:37

My experience was very similar to yours. I was so upset by it at the time, but truly it passed before too long. We took things incredibly slowly, I made sure they knew they'd always be more important than the new bf. In time they met and we did some fun stuff together and everything settled very quickly after that.

Decades on and the step relationship is a lovely, close, warm family relationship.

PotentialplanB · 05/02/2024 20:59

If just be steady and straight up.

Let him know it is customary to wait some time before involving kids in a new relationship because adults want to make sure it is going somewhere and the new person seems safe to potentially introduce in time.

Also that your relationship with his dad is now as co parents. You both tried hard to make your relationship work but it wasn't too be and your aim together now is to be the best possible mum and dad to DS, you're not looking for a new father to replace him plus all the good stuff pink bonbon suggests.

I think he is old enough to understand the reasons for being in a new relationship and taking done time to let him know. He may take some time but I think may appreciate being levelled with maturely.

mycatsanutter · 05/02/2024 21:15

My ds was 6 when me and his dad split up i met my now DH 2 years later and they didn't meet for over a year after that and that was very casually. My son's behaviour was terrible and he admitted years later he just wanted his mum and dad together so was trying to drive my bf away. You have told you son nothing will change between you both and he is your priority I wouldn't mention it to him again unless he does what you do when he isn't with you isn't his business .

Epidote · 05/02/2024 21:22

I think you have done and said the right stuff. Let your son have some space and thoughts, at the end of the day is just a reaction to something he wasn't expecting. Take it slow and think your son is a kid and kids doesn't understand relationships as we adults do.

LightSwerve · 05/02/2024 21:26

Calm down, give him space to process.

He has only just found out, it's a big mental adjustment.

Stop making it about you, be steady, let him have his feelings while you are just stable and reliable.

Focus on other things for a bit, don't keep revisiting it.

Missingmyusername · 05/02/2024 21:34

Give him time, it’s a shock. You need your own life too.

SashTea · 05/02/2024 21:38

Ah op, you've done nothing wrong and you've told him so thoughtfully. Definitely a lovely mum not a bad one.

That's sad he was perhaps wondering if you'd get back together, or maybe even it's that he knows that his dad isn't living his best life and is worried for him about if he'll be sad? He's probably in his own way trying to protect you both.

FWIW my children, one is also 10 like my boyfriend so much. We do intertwine a fair bit, we do holidays together and stuff with his child, and though they used to say they sometimes wished my ex and I were still together, they're very settled and comfortable in our lives, and 100% confident that me being in a relationship doesn't take away anything from them.

I actually think it's very good for them to see me happy, modelling a healthy and fun relationship with a loving, kind and helpful person. I'm sure bit by bit your son will get used to it and feel the same - but at the moment he doesn't know for sure nothing will change as this hasn't been real to him for the last year. He just needs a bit of time to process.

Dogknowsbest · 05/02/2024 21:40

He's still young but not so young that he can't understand.

Yes, he needs time but it's been a year now so you've taken it slowly.

It's normal for people to want to have a long-term partner, just like when you loved his dad which is the best thing because you got him out of it. Explain that this man isn't going to replace his dad and that you will still have time just for him. At some point when he grows up he'll also want the same thing.

At some point it would be nice for them to meet. Personally, I'd start with a quick cup of tea and he can be gone within half an hour. Build up from there and don't expect them to be best friends.

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