I emailed my ex to explain my thoughts and he didn't reply

[25smallstacey]

Hi,

I hope everyone had a nice weekend.

My partner and I broke up a few weeks ago. I could see he was acting coldly but I had to drag it out of him that he wanted to end it. I felt really messed around as we had been planning the future and I was pretty blindsided. I got really emotional with him (it wasn't pretty!) but he couldn't see it from my point of view and said how could I be annoyed when he was following his heart and head. I explained that I was just hurt that he shouldn't have spoken so much about our future recently as it was false hope.

He messaged a few times checking I'm ok and I sent short responses or didn't reply. A few days ago I wrote down my feelings to him, it was a kind email saying I had gotten so upset because I was disappointed and I had taken the chats about the future at face value. I wanted him to hopefully understand my feelings better now that everything had calmed.

Long story short.....he didn't reply. I guess this is why these emails/messages rarely make anyone feel better.

To be honest, if you was short with him or didn't reply when he messaged you it really sounds like he's returning the favour.

I guess it depends what outcome you was hoping for by sending your email but I'd see it as getting my thoughts off my chest so I could draw a line under that relationship and start the emotional healing process.

You've said your piece now - it's time to let it go.

It’s possible he felt that you were getting things off your chest about the end of the relationship, and that this mail was not sent in the expectation of a reply. What did you want to happen in response?

He told me I was overreacting to the break up, which I felt was unfair.

I want him to see that treating me the way he did over the past few months wasn't ok and I wasn't overreacting.

Without sounding unkind. He's not obliged to reply to you. Your feelings are no longer his concern. He doesn't need to hear or respond to how you feel about the break up, and it's not up to him to make you feel better. Don't follow up & don't keep contacting him. The relationship is over.

Look, OP, it’s a very, very rare breakup that both parties experience exactly similarly, and agree on their interpretation of. Pretty much the definition of a breakup is two incompatible narratives.

You’re no longer together, OP. Whether he feels you’re ‘overreacting’ or not is irrelevant. He may feel he’s been terribly kind and forbearing, and that you’ve behaved unreasonably — that doesn’t make it true, it makes the opinion of one guy you’re no longer concerned with.

Best wishes for moving on.

he may or may not see that. You can't control how he sees things.

But you are entitled to let him know that this is how YOU see things.

In my experience men very rarely go 'oh yes, you're right, I did behave badly, I'm sorry'

And virtually never in the moment.

But if it matters to you, I think it's worth saying so, and not hoping for the reply from him that agrees. You don't need him to validate your perspective.

On here the advice is often given to walk away and say nothing further 'keep your dignity' and so on.

That may work for some people. I found it didn't work for me, it was too like playing a 'cool girl' persona which I found exhausting.

And if we did have contact or bumped into each other down the line, it actually made things harder for me. having not said my piece at the time, they would then assume everything was fine and it was ok to be friendly or even flirty while I still had hurt from feeling disrespected or mistreated.

In later relationships I did say my piece if I wanted to during or shortly after the break up, not seeking their agreement, but to leave things on my own terms.

I found it gave me closure and helped me move on an stop ruminating on stuff like 'did he know he hurt me'? I knew he did, because I had told him so.

you have to do what is right for you, as long as you are not hoping to get some affect / approval / validation back from him.

How long were you together OP?

Ah op I feel you and hear you. I did the same, I wrote down my rawest feelings and he never responded. It broke my heart becasue we also talked so much about the future. The fact he didnt respond says more about him than you.

Even if he did respond would you pick the response apart and find other ways yto not get the answer you are looking for? it is over does this really help?

I am not asking for a reply personally just something for you to think

It's best to stop contact now you've broken up in order to help get over things. If he messages you don't reply. No good can come of prolonging contact.

I don't understand why he's messaging you.
It's stringing you along.

Was he emotionally manipulative? Does he need to feel wanted?
He's being unkind, again. You need to draw a line.

Hes sent you a couple of messages asking if you're OK. He knows you're not and was probably jut trying to do the right thing without actually really caring. Was that the right thing? Probably not because it left you feeling that the lines of communication were still open.

That's very different to sending a lengthy email because what response would be appropriate? A brief acknowledgement? A point by point analysis? Maybe he is taking time to process whilst composing a reply he'll come to decide that moment has passed for sending anyway

People don't send lengthy 'this is how I feel' emails not because they want to appear the 'cool girl' but because, generally, no good can come from it.

Sending that email hasn't made you feel better because he hasn't replied. You were hoping for some epiphany from him or at least an apology that he didn't treat you well but people prolong the end of a relationship for all sorts of reasons. And he doesn't have to agree with you

He shouldn't have still been talking about the future if he'd already decided that there wasn't going to be one but people also run parallel narratives in their heads towards the ejd of a relationship and aren't sure how to deal with situations. Especially if they get the impression or know that the other person doesn't feel the same.

The best thing to do now is accept you've said your piece and he isn't going to reply.

Don't message him again. Just leave it.

Seriously why would he respond? I'd be surprised if he read past the first couple of sentences once he realised it was an Outpouring.

He only asked if you were OK, that's superficial and not an invitation to exchange innermost Angst.

on the bright side you've got it all out of yourself, now time to move on and heal.

You need to try and move on its over,
Dont message him again block his number he may have blocked yours already.
You've said your piece let it be now.
He dont want you back.
Its hard but it will get easier its time to put it all behind you and move forwards.
Its over accept it and move on.

Writing things down can be cathartic. And while what he did, in leading you on, was far from ideal, now you’re broken up I don’t think it’s his responsibility to reply to emails from you any more (unless it were to do with shared property or children, or any other legalities).

It’s shit, and I get it. You want acknowledgement and the acceptance of responsibility for your pain, but I just don’t think it’s an entitlement to expect.

I think the lesson here is it's absolutely fine to tell someone how you feel or offer some explanation, but they aren't obliged to reply or even acknowledge it. Before sending stuff like this I'd need to really think if I could cope with a response (or lack of) that I didn't like.

Thanks for the comments.

We were together 2 years over the span of 3 years (broke up in between) @Mygreedylab

Maybe because of us being so back and forth in the past, I assumed this time he might see his mistakes and come back again with an apology. I keep imagining he's all ready moved on or has some dislike of me already.

I'm realistically just looking for validation from him as he made me feel so over the top with my response to the break up, but tears happen when you get a shock!

I wrote a letter to my ex (25 years ago) & he never replied. But at least I got the message to him. Heartbreak is so cruel…

It’s absolutely normal to be upset at a breakup.

I saw my ex in the street and told him exactly what I thought of him, months later. He just stood there. I'm not sure if it was especially cathartic but I didn't feel worse.
No response is kind of a response, it's just there's a disconnect in your brain between X (who was kind and loving) and Y (who doesn't give a shit).
You need to realise he's not X anymore. You're not his girlfriend.

I'm not saying I regret it overall really, I think in a way it did me good but I keep refreshing my emails to see if he replied.

I marked him as spam but it turns out that would just send any reply to the spam folder so I now keep refreshing that. Pathetic I know, but I really do miss him

Two big relationships. I regularly wrote impassioned missives. Husband no 2 told me he’d never read any of them!

Dear OP, I totally understand how you feel and I am sorry. I was married for over 25 years to (an undiagnosed) narcissist. He drove me absolutely crazy and I finally called it quits. One of the problems we had was his absolute inability to listen and empathize, also to assume any responsibility. Before I told him I wanted to separate I suggested we went to couples counselling. I honestly did not think at that point that our marriage was salvageable but I was hoping to be able to say my peace to him in a safe environment, so to speak. He refused.

After we split up, I had this terrible feeling that I did not say all I wanted to him, the bad but also the good about us, our marriage. My counsellor suggested I wrote him a letter, but I was to chicken to do it, so I did not. Honestly, it still bothers me and, in the way, I wish I had done it. I feel like it would give me closure. However, it is three years since our separation and our divorce had gone through, our communication has been minimal, almost non-existent. He mostly never replies to anything unless it is absolutely necessary and I am certain he would not reply to my letter either which would probably make me feel really bad.

As all of the posters said, once the relationship is over, all bets are off. Neither one of you owes the other anything any more, and it is in your best interest to move on as soon as possible and put all this behind you.

I want him to see that treating me the way he did over the past few months wasn't ok and I wasn't overreacting.
It's so frustrating when you break up and you don't want things to end on such a bitter note. But your ex doesn't want it to end with him as the bad guy, either. He's protecting his own ego by telling himself a comforting story - e.g. that the two of you weren't that deeply in love, so it was fine for him to end it uncaringly, and your tears must have been an over-reaction.

After my exh's affair, I hated it that his "final say" on our marriage was that we'd never been in love, ever. It wasn't true, just the story he told his mistress. Gave me lots of sleepless nights imagining conversations with him in which I told my story so clearly that he couldn't deny I was right any more.

You can't make them accept what they don't want to accept. It's unusual for them to admit fault. All you can hope is that even though they are telling themselves this wrong version of events, it's all bravado, and deep down there's part of them that knows they did wrong. I'd bet quite a lot of money that even though my ex sticks to his version of events, he'll act differently with future partners.

You've already broken up once within 3 years. Making up after a fight sounds nice, as if it cancels the fight out. But the fight still happened and a pattern of breaking up and getting back together again is a sign of a very unhealthy relationship. You might benefit from looking into this with a therapist.

Thanks to everyone and I'm sorry to hear others seem to be going through the same thing.

Being treated as though I was overreacting at the time was hard and made me question myself. I've realised him not replying has just further made me question myself. It's making me over think as if I've done something wrong or been that easy to forget.

He said he had a lot of thinking to do when we broke up so maybe a tiny part of me expected he would apologise and come back.