If you are happier single did you always feel like that or did you have to work at it?

[Tamedame]

I see loads of people on here extolling the joys of being single and I am wondering if this something you can learn or work towards or if it’s just the way you are made, like preferring apples to oranges?

i have been single for few years at a time at various stages of my life and never found I enjoyed it more than being in a (good) relationship. I have hobbies, friends, family, a busy job and kids, so my life is very full and I have people to socialise and holiday with but I prefer doing all that with a romantic partner.

I am single again and a bit bruised from my last relationship so would like to learn how to enjoy being single.

any tips?

I learnt to enjoy my life the hard way. Some tricks that worked for me:

• look up Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and when things go wrong, focus on them in order of priority. In a moment you're hungry, cold and sleep deprived, you might be also confused and believe the priority is your friend recommending more time with her; your priority is food, clothing and sleep.
• Focus on the moment. Whatever you're doing - partying, viewing TV, pairing up socks - enter fully into it; if you are distracted by another thought, note it somewhere to park it away (smart phones are good for that)
• Use being single to have some real me-time. Think of what you want to be and do, and move to be that and do that.
• I wish I could tell you counselling, therapy etc. does help, but it costs money and time. CBT helped me a lot several years ago; it won't help everyone.
• Finally, because some people are happy single does that mean you should?

What is it that you enjoy about doing all the things with another person? Work that out first, then work out how to provide it yourself.

I obviated the point of having a partner, and enjoyed being single for a long time. Being in a relationship is a different sort of nice, I don't see them as being in competition with each other.

I just assume there are going to be stages in life when your single and what you do with that is entirely up to you.
I'm committed to living a good life regardless, l think that's the best option.

Tbh no I didn’t have to work on it. I actually surprised myself with how comfortable and easy I find being single.

Up to a few years ago I’d never been single for more than a few months in my adult life and when my last relationship was ended, I honestly thought I’d meet someone easily. Then lockdown came and the enforced time alone made me realise actually I enjoy my own peace and and space. Then as we were in and out of lockdowns and restrictions, I developed female friendships, found a great social circle and it’s gone from there.

Maybe because I’m older, I’ve had the LTRs and been a wife and mum for so many years I’m now embracing the freedom to be me and do as I please without worrying about anyone else. That’s what I really love about my single life.

SamW98, I think that you are me!

Exactly that. You have to work at it at first, but it's worth it.

I'm in a new city now, and it's a revelation how a single woman is perceived by social groups. There is no lack of male interest. I'm learning how to say 'thanks, but no thanks' nicely.

What I don't like is the way that a minority of paired up women see me as being dangerous, as in, in my state of happiness and free-spiritedness I might attract their man, so they try to pair me with...anybody. That grates.

I am glad I found this thread and one I could have written myself. Been struggling a little as I am in the same boat as OP, so following with interest!

What I have done so far is over eat and feel sorry for myself, so you don’t want to do that! But I am trying to build in healthier, happier habits and being so in the moment with my kids - both under 8. I have also deleted the apps and aim to be fully single for a year, but a month in and it’s harder than I thought it would be.

I have bought an old school calendar and added things which are going on locally so I can always have something to do with the kids. Nice to have something to look forward to.

I guess some days will be better than others as you find yourself again.

wishing you well.

Thanks everyone. I’m 47 and have also had LTR as well as being single for a few years at a time when I was in my early twenties and again after my divorce in my late thirties.

@chatelai when you say ‘you have to work at it’ can you expand on that? I’d like to enjoy being single as who knows whether it’s forever or not.

I have kids who don’t do overnights with their dad so that limits me a bit with hobbies but they are getting to a stage where I could leave them for an hour or two.

I enjoy having someone to chat with about my day, future plans, etc. I really like having someone to do nothing with - watch tv in the evening, relax reading the newspaper at weekends and so on. I loved the security of having someone to come home and the sense of reassurance that there was two of us in it when things went wrong like when my dad was sick.

I've been unhappily married as well as happy (at some point).

And single for the last 4 years (bar 1 6-month relationship).

The worst was unhappily married , without a doubt.

But being a single parent is a hard slog & I find it hard to meet someone due to childcare/contact pattern. I'm pretty self-sufficient but occasionally do get lonely.

I miss being close to someone, both physically & romantically/emotionally and being cared for.

There are needs which friendships/family/work cannot meet.

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but it's really hard to meet someone.

It took me a long time to get used to being single as I was married for a long time. I tried really hard to start relationships at the beginning but I found the whole thing traumatic and I admit I'm very scarred. Making the decision to remain single and not seek another relationship has been very liberating and I can't see that changing.

Yes, my youngest has not ever done overnights with his dad (long story).
if you do not have childcare support outside of working hours, it does really limit what you can do in terms of activities and regular classes where you might meet people socially (as friends mainly, I mean).
I love my DC dearly, but I do now after many years find this element the hardest, not being about to come and go. It becomes very much children - work - housework - sleep and quite insular. I am lucky in so far as I have a lot of interactions and meetings for work, so I wouldn’t say I feel lonely as such, I am just a bit done with being the almost 100% responsible person but a partner will not solve that, just DC growing up and getting more independent and I don’t want to wish their childhoods away.

I have now been single for 11 years and to be honest, I have not noticed it as I have always been busy. I still have a list of things I want to do, so I am not entirely sure I want a partner (yet, at all). I want to get to the stage of being able to come and go as I please first, without the whole thing of the partner coming into DC’s lives. Been there, done that with older DC and it was not the best decision.

I don’t think that answers your question. I am not sure if I have been happy single - I have been happy parenting, happy doing my garden and things I enjoy/ happy and challenged at work, unhappy with not having enough spare money with the cost of living crisis, etc. but not an emotion specifically about being single, if that makes sense. And I think I was genuinely traumatised for a long time after the relationship with youngest DC’s dad and the aftermath.

@DaffodilsAlready i also have a very sociable job as well as friends/family that I see regularly enough so like you I am not really lonely as such, I just miss having a partner. I had a lot of fun with my ex dp, we laughed a lot together and had our own silly jokes and all of that kind of thing. We also had a good sex life which I miss too.

I am not over him which doesn’t help.

I am equally happy if i’m in a good relationship or if I’m single. I can easily adapt to both. I also have other things in my life that make me happy so I’m never fully reliant on any of the above.

i think really as long as I’m healthy & can go about my life happily & I am comfortably off, I’m happy.

Do you miss having a partner then in general, or do you miss him? As you say you are not over him yet. I don’t know if you said how long it is since you broke up. I mean, I am probably happier being single as my last serious relationship was just so difficult, it put me off for years it seems.

The issue then seems to be how do you get over him? Time? Concentrating on things you enjoy? It’s more about that than being happy with the general state of being single, I think.

@DaffodilsAlready I think it’s a bit of both. In the past when I have been single I have also found it difficult and I recognise that feeling again this time. I get this hopeless sense that I will be on my own forever and a kind of odd one out amongst all my couple friends. I know it’s a bit ridiculous as I may well meet someone else and my coupled up friends may not actually be as happy as they seem but even though it’s irrational I still feel that way. As I said above I also love company so I do find it hard having no other adult around in the evenings to have a cup of tea or a drink with, I especially find holidays, Christmas, long weekends etc difficult.

i split up with my ex dp about 7 months ago. We had been together 6 years. It turns out he had been seeing someone behind my back and he is with her now, which obviously has hurt me a lot.

That is incredibly hurtful, I am sorry. It is still very early days, I think. That is difficult as there are no doubt all the feelings about that to unpack and get over.
I do understand what you are saying about the previous feelings about being single and the situation specific feelings.
I am more done with having no other adult to have random chat with on a regular basis, I think, and no other adult to give a shit how I feel now than I was before now. It does require a lot of resilience and I think it is easier when DC are younger as you have that focus to take up your time. I do tend to see my friends who are part of a couple one to one as well as on occasion, which I think is easier than being surrounded by couples. But I do recognise that I pulled back from the mum groups at school as my situation was different and there was also no-one to look after DC so I could join the evenings out or things like that. So I think making sure you do have good support networks and childcare is key.
I am probably coming out the other side where I do think now it would be nice to meet someone, but on the other hand, ugh, so much to do on the house and professionally and would like to travel a bit (which is off the cards because of cost of living and older DC university costs). And where does one even begin? And it would need to be the type of person who also just wants some peace and quiet to go and stare at the sea for a bit and then get a nice coffee and potter around a garden centre. Once a fortnight when I have the one day DC at their dads, except then I already have my day full of things I want/need to do. And my judgement with men is clearly really bad. So it is always just a fleeting thought, rather than something which stays with me.
I think it is a case of making sure that you are okay first, and then making sure that you have opportunities to meet people if that is what you want to do. And not thinking of being single as something to be happy or sad about, but as a circumstance which does give more options and freedoms than thinking about a relationship and focusing on these, and seeing it is as a current life situation rather than a permanence.

(Answering the topic title) I didn't have to work at it, I just realised I didn't feel anxious or nervous or stressed when I was single. I felt more confident.

I think I realised that I didn't need to feel loved (by somebody romantically) to feel loved.

I feel both, I love the freedom but also have a niggle in my head that I don't want to be single forever. I'm only 9 months out of a long relationship so I don't think I need or want to meet anyone yet. I'm enjoying becoming me again, not just a wife and mother but at 50 it is daunting. I'm happy to be single for a few years but would like to meet someone eventually.

I was briefly single and didn’t do particularly well, if I’m honest. Like the OP mentioned, Christmas, Easter and long weekends (well, all weekends really) were tricky. My friends were all in couples, and whilst I could have filled my week nights three times over, weekends were pretty bleak. I managed to keep busy most of the time, but it was hard work.

Maybe over time I too would have developed a group of single friends, had busy weekends and had people to go on holiday with, but I’d love to know how the OP created this, and how long it took?

I was happily single for more than a decade and knew I wanted to be single.
Last year I met someone, had a fairly intense few months and broke it off a few times, finally for good. Because....I much prefer being single.

I will say that situation might have been different if either/both of us were better off financially. I always enjoyed Lady Mary in the later season of Downton saying "marriage isn't going to be two people in separate wings of the same house any more". 😂 That I can totally understand.

I have lost friends since lockdown and that's been a much harder loss and is probably the reason I entered into anything, I honestly think if I wasn't feeling the loss of friends so much, I would never have done it.

Being single is definitely better for me. Just the presence of a man that I'm dating feels like such hard work, and life is hard work....I don't want more of it.

I don’t have many single friends but some of my married friends are happy to socialise without their husbands and I also have couple friends that I see sometimes. They are people I’ve known for many years. I have one single friend who I go on the occasional weekend away with, but tbh even though I enjoy her company I prefer going away with a partner. So I didn’t really create it, they are people I’ve known for years but when I became single I started spending more time with them.

but as you saw it can be hard - they aren’t always free to do things with me and have their own busy lives.

Being single is much better for women than the alternative. It’s easier for women who have been married to come to this realisation. I think women need to experience the disappointment of relationships, to be truly happy single. In my case the ex had an affair while I was pregnant and online dating was a faff, a waste of precious time and full of deeply unpleasant damaged men which resulted in me being threatened and stalked. Naturally, I decided to commit to being single after that and am wholly comfortable single, with zero doubts or regrets and that is the best way to be single.

When we say single, do we mean single and not dating i.e, intentionally single, or single but dating and not in a committed relationship?

Well I personally mean completely single fir 4 years.

Had a handful of dates but nothing I wanted to pursue past a second

I didn't have to work at it because when I was younger and tried relationships, I felt stifled and like I was making a lot of (if not most) compromises. I also realised that living with another person is not for me.

I'm happily single with FWB arrangements because I have also always known that I don't want to be celibate.