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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there something wrong with me?!

42 replies

itbelikethat · 04/02/2024 14:44

I'm a frequent poster but have name changed as with my other posts it would be outing

Will try not to make this war and peace (I promise)

Split with ex DH 2 years ago. Marriage was happy until the last 2 years, we had children, he cheated a number of times and was, as it transpired, a compulsive liar.

After we split I focused on motherhood and didn't date properly for more than a year. First "relationship" of significance was with someone who I found hugely physically attractive, the sex was incredible, but he was an emotional head f*ck often lying and blowing hot and cold. This ended after 6 months and if I'm honest hit me hard.

I've vowed to set my standards higher and not entertain men who can't show emotional maturity and treat me well.

A couple of months ago I got speaking to a guy online and we texted for a while before eventually meeting a couple of weeks ago. The first date was fun and we agreed to meet again this weekend. Saw him yesterday , we met at his before heading out for dinner and when I arrived there he had got me all of my favourite snacks and foods that I had mentioned in passing the past few months... it was sweet but I was really taken aback.

As the evening went on, he was continually complimenting me, to the point that I felt uncomfortable, kept saying things like "where have you been my whole life" and throwing the word "love" about...

He also made a few comments about how he bets my inbox is full of men messaging me (it's not!) and remarked that he assumed I'd been really promiscuous since my marriage ended (I haven't!).

It felt really intense, the constant compliments and admiration, and he seemed really keen to talk about plans for the future... which again is what I thought I wanted but I felt overwhelmed! We both have young children so spare time is limited and he said he thought we might have our first argument sometime about how we can't see each other enough.

It's ironic because my past relationship I would have given anything for a few more compliments, but to this extent it felt overwhelming.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I subconsciously only attracted to men who breadcrumb and hold back emotionally, or would anyone else find this overwhelming? Starting to think I need to pause on the dating for now....

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 04/02/2024 14:47

Sounds like he’s desperate for love/a relationship/housekeeper.
Trust your gut.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 14:48

Lovebombing and negging. Throw it back.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/02/2024 14:49

He sounds like a wrong'un to me.

ColdButSunny · 04/02/2024 14:51

Someone who treats you well and is emotionally available - good.

Someone who starts talking about love when you met him for the first time 2 weeks ago - not good.

Garlickit · 04/02/2024 14:51

It's not you, it's the quality of men in general! Sounds like you're learning a lot from your experiences. Time to appreciate the lesson you've gained from this one, and move along.

aitchteeaitch · 04/02/2024 14:51

He said he assumed that you'd been really promiscuous since your marriage ended? He actually said that out loud??!!

Bloody hell - dump him immediately.

(It's not you by the way)

Original poster

itbelikethat · 04/02/2024 14:53

@aitchteeaitch Yes! So I'd mentioned to him when we first met that when I started dipping my toe back into the dating world I had a few first dates (like 5 with 5 different men so not hundreds!) I didn't sleep with any of them and didn't imply that I did... but last night he said he assumed when I mentioned that I'd had a few dates that I'd been promiscuous!

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 04/02/2024 14:54

Why do you people think there's something wrong with them if they haven't met a compatible partner? Do you feel like there's something wrong with you if you try a food and don't like it, or do you just think 'that's not for me', and move on?

Do you think there's something wrong with the food? Or could it just be a bad match between that food and your own personal tastes?

Grendell · 04/02/2024 14:54

He sounds awful.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 14:55

Hell fire, OP, one date and he's calling you promiscuous - and if you were, so what's it to do with him?

The best thing you can say about this bloke is that he's showing he's an asshole from the get go.

DustyLee123 · 04/02/2024 14:55

Perhaps he’s trying to work out how long it’ll take before he gets a shag 😂

Andthereyougo · 04/02/2024 14:59

There’s nothing wrong with you.
He sounds just awful.
He said he bet you’d been promiscuous since your marriage ended ? WTF . I’d have walked out at that.
And the love bombing and talking so much of a joint future after two weeks is red flag territory. Late DH and I fell for each other pretty quickly but neither of us was like this after 2 months never mind two weeks.
Chuck him back.

Natty13 · 04/02/2024 15:06

I read your question as, you think this is a nice guy who has done and said nice things/made a big effort and you have got the ick from it so you are wondering if you're only attracted to dicks?

If that is the case, let me tell you this isn't a nice guy. Nice, emotionally mature and stable men simply don't go overboard like this. My friends all joke that I never picked a bad man or ended up messed around and it's because behaviour lole this would turn me off- lack of effort and being fobbed off also did - but being this full on this quickly is an absolute guarantee that this man is not emotionally secure. Some of those comments were a bit like his mask was slipping - what genuinely warm and nice man thinks its ok to insinuate that youre promiscuous on the second night you've ever met? His behaviours were all designed to suck you in and I guarantee once he had done that successfully he would become jealous/insecure/controlling. On the second date you should BOTH be getting to know each other and figuring out if you are compatible in terms of values and wants, not trying desperately to make the other person fall for you.

Your gut is telling you something and I think it's great that you're listening to it. There is nothing wrong with you at all.

Dontbeme · 04/02/2024 15:30

Saw him yesterday , we met at his before heading out for dinner

This* *would be a red flag for me OP, it's only the second time meeting and it's at his house, just no. It's not safe and by the way he was behaving and saying you were promiscuous he was angling for sex. He's trying to force a familiarity that isn't there to get what he wants. Bin him.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 15:33

Dontbeme · 04/02/2024 15:30

Saw him yesterday , we met at his before heading out for dinner

And having been a reader of this board for a couple of years I can look into my crystal ball and predict that a few months down the line you get attitude about going out with your mates because he reckons you'll be shagging blokes. Or that you're shagging some man at work; or the random in the pub you glance at....

Original poster

itbelikethat · 04/02/2024 15:40

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain funny you say that... I mentioned yesterday about one of my close girl friends who is a lesbian and he said "oh great so now it's not just when you go out me having to worry about men hitting on you"

I asked him if he had ever been cheating on in the past and he said no... as I got an inkling there's some insecurities/trust issues there, which I can understand to an extent having been cheated on myself, but equally I wouldn't approach it like this.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 04/02/2024 15:42

He's lovebombing. Avoid.

RowanMayfair · 04/02/2024 15:43

Run a mile from this guy. He's waving more red flags than a Chinese communist rally.

autumn1610 · 04/02/2024 15:49

Avoid avoid avoid. When I started dipping my toe back in the water went in a date with a guy. Turns out he had only just left his wife and DD 4 weeks earlier. (Red flag number one I ignored) then we went on another date was great, proper charming thoughtful. Was talking about us going on holiday together was a bit taken a back. Sleep with him at 3rd date with the please don’t fuck me about and ghost me. He went distant blamed his messy divorce and then I sleep with him again like a twat! So run now. It broke me more than I thought as first person I had slept with after breakdown of long relationship. I felt like a dick and he was just running round with the red flags flapping away. But I chose to excuse the love bombing. Run before you get too into it

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 15:49

I mentioned yesterday about one of my close girl friends who is a lesbian and he said "oh great so now it's not just when you go out me having to worry about men hitting on you"

Oh great. A couple of dates and he reckons you belong to him. This one is such bad news he's like a textbook example of what to look out for and avoid.

Mitherations · 04/02/2024 15:50

itbelikethat · 04/02/2024 14:53

My god no. No. It feels off because it's very very off. Do not see him again. A table full of your favourite snacks is verging on stalkerish, and you could have fucked the entire first division and it would be none of his business.

Back away from him, he will bring nothing but bad things to you, and more importantly he should be absolutley nowhere near your children.

Jennyjojo5 · 04/02/2024 15:56

No disrespect but if if you’ve only experienced just 2 guys like this whilst newly trying dating, you’re in for a big shock as the majority are like this!

Opentooffers · 04/02/2024 15:56

I guarantee you he's had an unusual childhood and he may have even mentioned it along the way. He is way OTT and is undoubtedly love-bombing you. Get out now, because after all the good stuff he builds up, he will then start making his demands and expect compliance. His promiscuous comment would of been about fishing for info, if you had been, he'd have logged it and used it against you in future. He's massively insecure under it all and will become jealous and controlling given time.
Don't wait for the shit to hit the fan, you are uncomfortable because he is extreme, it's not down to uour past. You could be fine with someone in the middle ground who knows when to complement at the right time, in the right way , and without expectations. This man is not it, its not you, it's him.

ginasevern · 04/02/2024 15:58

He's desparate for a mummy for his kids/housekeeper and an easy fuck.

Original poster

itbelikethat · 04/02/2024 16:05

Thankyou, to you all, this has opened my eyes and is a reminder to me to trust my gut instinct more!

As this thread has progressed I have thought more about last night and recalled he seemed at great odds to tell me about his salary (high earner) and how much money he has in savings. I'm not a money orientated person, I earn reasonably well which is enough to live, keep a roof over mine and my children's heads and have a good life... but money isn't something I talk about and neither do my friends so I didn't know how to respond when he kept mentioning his.

Then he was saying that he's going to treat me like a princess and spoke as if he's going to rescue me and show me a life I've never had before. As above, I am perfectly self sufficient and don't need rescuing and I said this to him and his response was "you just haven't been shown how you deserve to be treated yet and I'm going to give it to you"

OP posts:

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