In love with someone other than kids dad

[LolaRose24]

Hi.

Need some advice on a situation I have got myself into.
Long story short. Approx 10 months ago I found out that my kids dad had cheated on me again. This was thr last straw for me as I'd put up with continuous cheating for 9 years!! Throughout my pregnancies, we have 2 children together. I always forgave him but nothing ever changed and it destroyed me as a person. So we broke up. He moved out. I met someone new, who is such a lovely guy and treats me so well, we've had ups and downs as he lives quite far from me. So could only see each other about once a week or maybe a couple of times a month. Anyway .. fast forward to December 2023 and me and the kids dad spend the day together getting Christmas gifts for the kids. Kids dad then tells me he still loves me and he's sorry for everything. He's completed his therapy sessions and realised what a massive mistakes he's made in the past, and how he can't forgive himself for cheating on me, he realised during therapy that he was using sex with others as a thrill to hide emotions from.his childhood. Anyway somehow he ends up moving back in...and now I'm regretting this decision massively and realise that I am not in love with him anymore. 💔 I am in fact in love with this other guy, I feel like he is my person and he feels the same. I just don't know what to do...my hearts breaking for the other guy but I don't want to hurt my children by asking the kids dad to leave again. 😔 made such a mess of things 😪

Your kids will adjust.

If he's a decent Dad, they'll still see plenty of him.

Get him out.

Oh and his explanation/excuse for cheating on you for years doesn't fly with me.

In any case, even if it were true - he's done too much damage for too long and few people could ever get past it.

I think you should focus on one relationship at a time. I think the other person and your current beliefs of your feelings are clouding the situation.

End your marriage. Your husband may have come to realize he is a dick, yay for him BUT not such a change that there wasn't an expectation for you to comply and carry on as if nothing happened.

Then ensure that you are financially independent and the access/finance arrangements with your DC dad are settled.

Dating during this time won't allow you to see clearly. If he is your match he will respect this. If he doesn't then he wasn't a match. Your DC need to come first.

Then dating is fine but not moving another bloke in before everyone is ready.

You're going to ignore any advice though as it won't match your agenda.

Hi.

Thank you for your advice. I do appreciated it. I won't ignore. My plan isn't to move anyone in and bring someone else into my dc life. Ive come to the realisation that I have fallen out of love with their dad. I thought that I would be able to get past all the damage done for the sake of the kids but I'm miserable and crying everyday.

I feel very guilty though as I did not think this through at all

He's done far too much damage. I'm not the same person anymore. My mum seems okay with it, but my brother is angry at me.

I feel guilty because of the children, I feel like asking him to leave so soon would break their hearts and I would be being selfish.

So in the space of ten months you've dumped your shitty ex, dated a new bloke, dumped him, moved the shitty ex back in to your kids home, now want to dump him again and date the other bloke?

Sounds absolutely exhausting and unnecessary. Just focus on your kids and forget men entirely. None of this chaos is in your kids best interests.

'somehow he moved back in'? Why the passive language? Stand by your choices. Any male moving in to your kids home should have been as a result of long discussions, planning and thought, with the kids prioritised and centred. Not just a shrug of the shoulders.
Work on your standards and self respect, you chose a disgusting misogynist for years, this will have messed up your confidence and self worth and will leave you susceptible to picking another shit man unless you work on valuing yourself.

i speak as someone who’s partner cheated many times. And last had a four year affair in 2018. We’re still together. I pretend it’s all okay and it’s not. I care about him but don’t love him and I really wish we’d split years ago when I was younger and had chance to feel happiness again. I’m 53 now and feel too old to start over. I’m settling purely to protect finances as I don’t work (though I’m looking for a job - it won’t be anywhere near what he’s paid as a partner in a law firm). Life is too short - don’t get to my age and feel that you’ve wasted precious years of your life with no chance of happiness. Happiness and love are worth more. You are worth more. If you love this other man and he feels the same then go for it. Don’t believe your husbands excuses, just move forward with your life and be happy. Your DC will benefit from that too, and have an example of a good relationship. Don’t make my mistakes.

I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't of been easy for you. Men don't seem to understand the pain they cause.
I work but it's not full time. I don't earn enough to be able to manage this house by myself financially. I feel like he knows this and uses it against me. I keep choosing him over everything and I don't know why. 😕 I just feel a little lost tbh. Thank you for your post

I think you need to prioritise your kids in the mess- it could be confusing and damaging for them for their dad to be moving in & out & back in again.

What your kids' dad has done is too much for anyone to forgive.

"he realised during therapy that he was using sex with others as a thrill to hide emotions from.his childhood." - sorry but this is a total crock of shit. Lots of people have difficult shit from their childhood. It's not a reason to become an adulterer. In fact, it's a reason not to - ie to keep your new family stable and happy.

‘I keep choosing him over everything’
Can you focus on your kids? Whose house is it? Will it need sold/will you need to find housing for yourself? Those are the actual crucial issues, not which man to date.

I'm not stressing over which man to date. My goal isn't to move someone else in. I'm just stuck because I've made the wrong decision in moving the kids dad back in. I fucked up and don't know how to fix it.

By booting him out.

Could you fall back in love with him?
The new guy you don't even really know, it's a fantasy boyfriend twice a month. Most men cheat anyway.

OP for 9 years your H cheated on you and broke your heart. There’s no getting over that for you and he has to leave. If theres no trust there’s no hope.
As for your Brother. Does he condone your EX cheating? He should be supporting his sister not a Cheater.
Move EX out with your head held high. You didn’t cause this it’s all on him and no amount of therapy with absolve him from the consequences. Be there for your kids but don’t feel guilty this is not your fault x

but my brother is angry at me.

Has his wife been fucking other men behind his back for years and been forgiven/given a pass, only to repeat it too?

I think not.

In which case he's in zero position to comment. His opinion is worthless.

Even if he had been, his choices on that situation could be different from yours. (I've never known a man reconcile/ stay when repeatedly cheated on though).

It's not ideal you moved your ex back in, only to have to move him out again; but ateotd it's the nature of trying to reconcile with cheaters that ppl often feel they have give them a chance (especially if kids are involved)....but then realise there's no getting past what they've done and that they don't feel the same way about them now (who would) etc.

They also (the cheaters) play on everything they can to get back and of course ppl are manipulated by that and give it a chance, only to realise it's not going to work.

It often takes a year or two of trying for the betrayed person to process and realise. Your brother is pretty stupid not to realise that.

You barely know the other guy. There is many a slip between the cup and the lip. Personally I am the kind that would rather take good care of what I have than take wild gambles and hope for the best. I would go for the marriage therapy and see if the issues can be resolved. There is nothing that sharpens a man's mind better than showing him the door. I would use this opportunity to work on your relationship and see if it could be rescued. At least you will know you have tried your best and will be feeling less guilty if you decide to break up in the end. It's not the time to pursue romance in my opinion

She's already tried to save her relationship.

He cheated on her repeatedly for years.

That's not worth saving.

No matter what boohoo, woe is me, bullshit excuses he's come up with for shagging other women while she was looking after his kids - for years.

Raise your standards.

There are different ways of trying to save the relationship. Mine would have been straight to the marriage counsellor after the first infidelity. This is in regards to my standards

A marriage counselor won't change his disordered personality.

Waste of time and energy.

Also, ending a monogamous exclusive relationship when someone betrays you and your family, takes your consent and agency away, disrespects you in the most base and intimate way etc etc the first time they do it - is having standards.

Cheaters are ultimately selfish and low integrity and believe they have rights & priveleges their partner doesn't have.

Counselling won't change that.

Cheating is also fundamentally abusive.

You should never have joint counselling with an abuser.

Honestly I don't know. I think too much damage has been done. I'm freaking myself about it all and giving myself anxiety over it. Not as easy just to throw him out when I have the kids and the financial side to think of. X

Just caught up with these messages. Sorry I don't think I made the other pist clear. My brother is angry at me for getting back with the cheating swine. Not that I want to give up in the relationship. I suggested that we do therapy but he refused ..this was a few years ago though.

He's cheated and lied for pretty much our entire relationship and I've stupidly given him chance after chance for the sake of the kids. I feel like I would be selfish and betraying the kids if I weren't to give things another shot. I just feel so very tred and drained. It's exhausting

My brother is angry at me for getting back with the cheating swine

Ah ok. Well, at least he'll support you on getting rid of him.

I feel like I would be selfish and betraying the kids if I weren't to give things another shot.

How many times have you caught him cheating on you?

That's probably less times than he actually has cheated on you.

You've given him all those chances/shots.

Many a person would have been out at the first cheating episode. And they'd be 100% justified in that.

Cheating is a type of abuse. You are not the best, happiest, most relaxed, most confident, most centred etc you when you are being cheated on; that includes you as a Mum. So it's not actually in your kids best interests to stay with a serial cheater, while he's doing or or even after he's done it and is pressuring you to reconcile/stay together. As you say, it's too much damage to recover from.

You and your life are not a sacrifice for your kids.

And you're not your best and happiest self for them with a cheater either.

People break up and coparent every day of the week. Half or more of the kids at my Lo's school are from blended families.

You are not failing them, he failed them. You did nothing wrong in the marriage, you stuck to the agreement, he did not - repeatedly.

Sometimes people need to learn that you can't smash something repeatedly and expect it to stay intact or even be like it has not been broken. It's either broken or it's a repeatedly mended Frankenstein, cobbled together mess. That's what has happened - because of his repeated choices.

He needs to learn & accept his actions have consequences.

You got rid of him, and by fuck did he deserve to be gotten rid of, you have feelings for someone else .. .about time given he's spent your entire relationship apparently having feelings for other people (even if they were just lust, interest, novelty, excitement etc). That's all entire natural and justified, that's the consequences of his long-term, repeated behaviour.
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