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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In love with someone other than kids dad

39 replies

LolaRose24 · 04/02/2024 08:57

Hi.

Need some advice on a situation I have got myself into.
Long story short. Approx 10 months ago I found out that my kids dad had cheated on me again. This was thr last straw for me as I'd put up with continuous cheating for 9 years!! Throughout my pregnancies, we have 2 children together. I always forgave him but nothing ever changed and it destroyed me as a person. So we broke up. He moved out. I met someone new, who is such a lovely guy and treats me so well, we've had ups and downs as he lives quite far from me. So could only see each other about once a week or maybe a couple of times a month. Anyway .. fast forward to December 2023 and me and the kids dad spend the day together getting Christmas gifts for the kids. Kids dad then tells me he still loves me and he's sorry for everything. He's completed his therapy sessions and realised what a massive mistakes he's made in the past, and how he can't forgive himself for cheating on me, he realised during therapy that he was using sex with others as a thrill to hide emotions from.his childhood. Anyway somehow he ends up moving back in...and now I'm regretting this decision massively and realise that I am not in love with him anymore. 💔 I am in fact in love with this other guy, I feel like he is my person and he feels the same. I just don't know what to do...my hearts breaking for the other guy but I don't want to hurt my children by asking the kids dad to leave again. 😔 made such a mess of things 😪

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 05/02/2024 16:50

Not as easy just to throw him out when I have the kids and the financial side to think of. X

You threw him out before, sooner or later you would had to have gotten set up financially as a single mum and co parent.

Citizens advice are good advising on this.

LolaRose24 · 05/02/2024 17:18

Thank you so much for your advice. Some very true words spoken 👏 🙌. The amount of times I've caught him out....I've actually lost count. He was on some online group where people joined it to meet up for sex. I caught him out a few times on there. Plus there was people from work. If I went away to see family he would cheat. If he went away for work he would cheat and try meet up with escorts. The list is endless. How am I ever supposed to feel like I'm enough for him. I honestly do not know why I let him back into my life. The kids will hate me

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 05/02/2024 17:28

LolaRose24 · 05/02/2024 14:42

Honestly I don't know. I think too much damage has been done. I'm freaking myself about it all and giving myself anxiety over it. Not as easy just to throw him out when I have the kids and the financial side to think of. X

OP I hear your doubts and exhaustion. Just be mindful that on Mumsnet you will mostly get advice to break up. As if it's the best and easiest thing to do. In my opinion as long as your partner is prepared to make amends and go for counselling I think you should try counselling before breaking up. Alternatively you could go for counselling on your own. There must be a reason why you tolerated his infidelities for so long. I wouldn't complicate your situation by another relationship at present. Should you current partner finds out about it I am 100% certain he will make your life and divorce very difficult. If you really want to leave you need to formalise your current relationship first before embarking on another

Ladolcevita233 · 05/02/2024 17:44

Don't listen to this poster.

He's a serial, compulsive cheat.

Counselling is pointless.

You'd just be wasting even more of your life on him.

Kicking the ball of recovery and moving on and being happy further down the road.

This guy did not deserve to be taken back and he doesn't deserve marriage counseling.

This poster has got to be deeply religious or something.
"Counselling, counselling counselling" - with a serial cheat and prossie user/attempted prossie user (how do you know he didn't do that too, not catching in the deed doesn't mean they didn't do anything). I remember your other threads now. No effing way.

To continue with him in any way would be masochism.

I don't know why a poster like this poster would want to do this to another woman (if they're a woman) ...it's pretty sick actually
.

Ladolcevita233 · 05/02/2024 18:19

(Even if he didn't continue similar behaviour sooner or later - doubtful - suggesting you stay with and go to counseling with a man who has cheated on you, betrayed you, disrespected and dismissed you, your relationship & family over and over again .... With the colossal damage that causes; is just so utterly lacking in empathy for you, and respect for you.

No-one should be expected or encouraged to stay with someone who has repeatedly betrayed, hurt and disrespected them on such a scale.

It's like the poster has zero empathy or respect for the victim of all this; like what they've suffered (and will continue to suffer) is irrelevant.

Cheating, let alone serial cheating, let alone bringing sex industry workers into the equation; can cause a type of PTSD.
Would people suggest someone suffering PTSD due to trauma stay with the source of the trauma? Keep in proximity with it. Also give it more opportunities to occur.
That would be NO.

HarrietStyles · 05/02/2024 18:29

You calmly tell your husband that you tried to forgive him, move on and try again ………. but that you aren’t able to. You gave it your best shot but it’s not going to work.

Don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re all human and we all make mistakes, easier to see with hindsight what we should have done. Maybe you could have forgiven him and moved on, but now you know for certain that you can’t. It’s brought clarity to your feelings.

And explain it honestly and simply to the kids - you tried your hardest to have another go at making your relationship work, but unfortunately Mum and Dad don’t make each other happy being married and will be happier living apart.

Kosenrufugirl · 05/02/2024 18:30

Ladolcevita233 · 05/02/2024 17:44

Don't listen to this poster.

He's a serial, compulsive cheat.

Counselling is pointless.

You'd just be wasting even more of your life on him.

Kicking the ball of recovery and moving on and being happy further down the road.

This guy did not deserve to be taken back and he doesn't deserve marriage counseling.

This poster has got to be deeply religious or something.
"Counselling, counselling counselling" - with a serial cheat and prossie user/attempted prossie user (how do you know he didn't do that too, not catching in the deed doesn't mean they didn't do anything). I remember your other threads now. No effing way.

To continue with him in any way would be masochism.

I don't know why a poster like this poster would want to do this to another woman (if they're a woman) ...it's pretty sick actually
.

Edited

It is true that most of the time I suggest counselling. Personally I would try ibuprofen and physio before surgery. I have also been married long enough to know that relationships go up and down and grass sometimes looks greener on the other side. OP has issues with her self worth and self esteem. Getting into another relationship right now would be a massive mistake in my opinion. She needs to sort out the issues with her current relationship first. As for my religion- I am a practicing Buddhist. I don't subscribe to the notion that divorce is a sin or a shame upon thewoman. However as a Buddhist I do believe that people could change even though it takes time and effort.

LolaRose24 · 05/02/2024 19:04

Oh he definitely did have sex with escorts. I was unlucky enough to find that out as well. He would lie so much that I made fake accounts on this "website" and caught him out there as well. He would obviously try to make out to me that these were fake accounts and were not him. I feel like I'm going insane with it all.

I would try counselling for myself as I think I probably need it. I don't see how I'm supposed to just forget everything that he did. I don't even know who I am anymore. I do my best so the kids don't see anything. But I'm sure they know something is up

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 05/02/2024 20:02

LolaRose24 · 05/02/2024 19:04

Oh he definitely did have sex with escorts. I was unlucky enough to find that out as well. He would lie so much that I made fake accounts on this "website" and caught him out there as well. He would obviously try to make out to me that these were fake accounts and were not him. I feel like I'm going insane with it all.

I would try counselling for myself as I think I probably need it. I don't see how I'm supposed to just forget everything that he did. I don't even know who I am anymore. I do my best so the kids don't see anything. But I'm sure they know something is up

To me that's another crossed line that says a lot about his character.

He's not only a serial cheater, he's ok with crossing that line re. paying a stranger for sex. Which is really a travesty of what sex should be - between truly consenting adults who want to do it.

There's also the ethics of using prostitutes. Naive people (and ive seen plenty on here) like to think prostitution is pragmatic, independent British women who choose to do it and get well paid.
Read UK punting reviews and see what it's really like ..
It's predominantly immigrant, foreign women with poor English and there are gangs involved. Usually Eastern European, South American, Asian (in the "massage parlours") etc The punters remark if they speak much English because they're used to no/poor English, they comment on their "typical Eastern European attitude" by which they mean surly, and clock watching.
Wonder why they're surly and clock watching (!)
They jokingly refer to the gang member pimps as Serghei. Would those pimps, who skim off them, just let them leave and get a shop/bar etc job if they wanted to? Not fkg likely.

The punters comment on things like being irritated being kept waiting by the previous "punt" and about things like the prostitute having to shag them on a mattress on a flat's kitchen floor because the bedrooms were all in use.

This is the Tesco end of the industry, the majority of it - instead of the Harrods end that people, including some MNers, seem to think is typical.

It is "staffed" by some of the most disadvantaged, underprivileged women in the UK.

The punters don't want to know. They don't care as long as they get their end away, your ex falls into that group. They can never know the true circumstances of the prostitute - no matter what BS he says if challenged about it, he can't know and ultimately they don't care. It's clear from their reviews that they see them as live sex dolls.

It's just another sign of his character.

With the serial cheating and signing up.to sex sites and using prostitutes; he sounds sex obsessed, obsessed with his probably unimpressive todger, degenerate, disordered etc. I've met guys like this and they don't change. Last time I saw one of them he was holidaying in Thailand (!)

Kosenrufugirl · 05/02/2024 20:05

LolaRose24 · 05/02/2024 19:04

Oh he definitely did have sex with escorts. I was unlucky enough to find that out as well. He would lie so much that I made fake accounts on this "website" and caught him out there as well. He would obviously try to make out to me that these were fake accounts and were not him. I feel like I'm going insane with it all.

I would try counselling for myself as I think I probably need it. I don't see how I'm supposed to just forget everything that he did. I don't even know who I am anymore. I do my best so the kids don't see anything. But I'm sure they know something is up

I would encourage you to get counselling. You might have to go private as NHS lists are so long. You might want to contact your local women's charities. They sometimes offer subsidised or even free counselling

Ladolcevita233 · 05/02/2024 20:13

Personally I would try ibuprofen and physio before surgery.

Maybe your eg knackered knee with no cartilage left, causing you unbearable pain and destroying your mobility .. can only be treated with surgery.

So the treatment depends entirely on the issue.

Something you've completely omitted to consider or mention in your analogy.

Ladolcevita233 · 05/02/2024 20:15

have also been married long enough to know that relationships go up and down and grass sometimes looks greener on the other side.

Are you saying a serial compulsive cheater & prostitute user husband is a "relationship going up and down". Are you saying that op thinking she could get better (not that being on her own wouldn't be better) is the grass looking greener on the other side?

I take it you are ... Otherwise why on earth would you make such statements in this particular thread.

I find that absolutely astounding tbh.

Ladolcevita233 · 05/02/2024 20:20

I don't see how I'm supposed to just forget everything that he did

It's not possible or wise.

You'd be best to separate, get individual counselling and if the man you were seeing is still available and willing, perhaps see him in a very slow, take it easy way.

Anyway, your kids won't hate you. You can explain in an age appropriate way what is happening and why.

If he is a remotely decent father, he should still be seeing them regularly.

Plantmother71 · 05/02/2024 21:46

Refer yourself for counselling now - it’s a long waiting list. I will do that. My Do thinks I’m stupid. He’s been messaging that woman again this weekend - that he had a four year affair with. She sounds like she’s checked out, and she’s trying to get rid. He’s pestering her. I am fed up of being treated like an idiot!

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