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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hes driving me insane

34 replies

Louise0808 · 04/02/2024 02:22

I know this is going to sound petty but I'm at my wits end with my partner at night.
What do you do when your sleep routines do not match? Our room is quite small and gets really hot at night. He is like a hot water bottle at night. He is quite a light sleeper so he likes the window shut which is fine but he also HAS to have the door completely shut. I wake up every night sweating and then I can't fall back to sleep. I have tried so many times to compromise but as soon as I'm asleep he will shut that window and shut that door. And I wake up again. It's gone 2am now and I'm on the sofa which is not big enough to be sleeping on. I'm also early pregnant so I'm struggling with heartburn and headaches and just getting over a virus so I really need my sleep. Other then blowing my lid at him what do I do? I'm adding he's an only child so he's used to the routine being his way. Cannot believe I'm in my 30's moaning about this but its driving me insane. Any advice ?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/02/2024 02:41

Seperate bed. Heck, seperate bedroom.

There's no rule that says just because you have a partner, you have to share one room 24/7.

If you don't have a second bedroom, get a bed sitee for the living room.

Don't keep making life harder for yourself.
Make it easier instead.

Oh and, HE gets the couch. You're pregnant.
If he can't bend over backwards for you now, he's not husband or father material.

Sparklfairy · 04/02/2024 02:46

It doesn't sound petty at all. He's not compromising and just expecting you to fit in with him, that isn't on.

You need to have a rational discussion in the day and meet somewhere in the middle. There is nothing worse than being too hot in bed IMO. It sounds like there isn't much space/a spare bedroom so he needs to feel the discomfort you feel equally until you can work out a solution. Initially I'd suggest taking it in turns on the sofa, just alternating nights. It's not fair that he arranges the bedroom perfectly for his sleep to the detriment of yours.

People get quite defensive of their sleep, so be prepared that he will resist the sofa with excuses as to why his sleep is more important Hmm Work out suggestions in advance to head all of that bullshit off.

Adhdeeedout · 04/02/2024 02:55

My partner is like this but he’s not a light sleeper, I am. He goes to bed. In just pants then complains it’s too cold with the window open (he could wear a tshirt or pyjamas) He closes the bedroom door completely whereas I prefer it open slightly to hear the kids. He never hears them as he sleeps so deeply. And the stench of bad breath in a room with no air circulation 🤢

I tried a humidifier or dehumidifier (can’t remember which) to try to improve air quality and reduce condensation with his insisting we’re shut in but he couldn’t sleep for the noise apparently but I’m expected to put up with his demon raising snoring.

He now sleeps on a sofa bed downstairs and I get my fresh air - I still can’t sleep well tho.

Original poster
Louise0808 · 04/02/2024 02:57

He does dote on me during the day I have to say that. Just night times he's a pain in the a**.
I will try the alternate nights in the living room. He's too tall for the sofa so he may want to compromise a bit more after a few nights on it.
He had work yesterday morning and woke me up at 5.15am ( by accident, he's loud and clumsy) so I'm very tired and it's getting to me alot more tonight.
We only have a 2 bedroom and my sons have the other bigger room so unfortunately I cannot send him to his own room lol I would absolutely love to though.

OP posts:
shreknjumps · 04/02/2024 03:32

Loud, clumsy, inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish.

This bodes well 😏

Manyandyoucanwalkover · 04/02/2024 03:34

Pinkbonbon · 04/02/2024 02:41

Seperate bed. Heck, seperate bedroom.

There's no rule that says just because you have a partner, you have to share one room 24/7.

If you don't have a second bedroom, get a bed sitee for the living room.

Don't keep making life harder for yourself.
Make it easier instead.

Oh and, HE gets the couch. You're pregnant.
If he can't bend over backwards for you now, he's not husband or father material.

Edited

Well said.

Domino20 · 04/02/2024 03:40

If the problem for him is noise and for you temperature then get a little air conditioning unit, stay cool with the windows and doors shut.

Original poster
Louise0808 · 04/02/2024 03:47

Hes loud because he's clumsy. I'm not going to hate him for something he actually can't help. But I will lose my cool over the selfishness with the sleep routine. He's definitely selfish when it comes to the night routine, that part I can't argue with. But that's the only bit of life he is selfish with so I actually feel bad moaning about it. But sleep! I need sleep.

We're moving in 2 weeks so I will be buying a sofa bed for downstairs I think and he can sleep on that.
Thankfully I'm working the next 2 nights so as I go to bed he's leaving for work. Bliss.

We have an air purifier running in the room but it doesn't help. We do live on a busy road so I can tolerate the window shut but not the door. I'm a boiling mess every night.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 04/02/2024 08:55

Ok you are moving in two weeks until then could you put a a campbed up in living room?

TwylaSands · 04/02/2024 09:02

he does sound selfish. Especially if you have both agreed a compromise and then he waits for you to fall sleep to break it. That’s terrible behaviour. Untrustworthy.

how long have the two of you been in a relationship?

Bluewonder88 · 04/02/2024 09:04

I’d buy a bigger sofa.

rustlerwaiter · 04/02/2024 09:07

Any reason why the door has to be shut? With all the lights off surely it makes little difference?

RedHelenB · 04/02/2024 09:22

Two single beds?

Original poster
Louise0808 · 04/02/2024 10:19

I think a Campbed will do until we move. I've suggested single beds but he said no.

We've been together 3 years.
I've asked why he has to have the door shut and the hallway being so dark with the door open freaks him out apparently. Which is funny because he's 33, not 10. Actually thats unfair because my 8 and 10 year olds aren't even freaked out by that.

I've had barely any sleep so we've had a tiff this morning and he's going to be sleeping in the living room tonight.

OP posts:
shreknjumps · 04/02/2024 15:07

"But that's the only bit of life he is selfish with"

So every single day he's selfish. 100% of the days, well the nights. What a catch, with 2 children that aren't his I would seriously reconsider the next house move.

And of course he can be quiet, this man is never ever going to try though because he sees himself as more important than you.

Original poster
Louise0808 · 04/02/2024 15:32

@shreknjumps. Wow honestly. I dont know many people that aren't selfish when it comes to sleep.

3 years I've been with him. If all I have to complain about is the sleep routine, I think we're doing pretty good.

Thank you for everyone who actually gave suggestions and not just " leave him he's ruining your sleep".

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 04/02/2024 16:21

Will you new house give your separate bedrooms?

where will the baby sleep? Will he do 50% of the nights? Do you think he will more likely say it would be ‘dangerous’ for him to do any night wakings as he works and is out so early? Do you think he all-of-a-sudden wont be so ‘clumsy’ thoughtless so he wont wake you or the baby up in the early hours?

selfish men dont get less selfish when a baby arrives.

so while it is great to look at the positives, be mindful of what Arsehole behaviour looks like.

Original poster
Louise0808 · 04/02/2024 16:36

Completely understand what you are saying.
We've already arranged where he sleeps when the baby arrives.

This isnt my first roller coaster. After 3 years the sleep routine is the only issue we have. It will be resolved.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/02/2024 19:09

What does he say when you ask him why it has to be his way and not yours?

The fact that you're mentioning him being an only child suggests that you're willing to find reasons to let him off the hook rather than recognise that he's an adult and fully responsible for his own behaviour. I wonder what else he's doing that's selfish but you just let him off because... someone once stole his lego... he fell off his bike when he was 3... etc.

People with unselfish attitudes don't wait for their partner to fall asleep and then do something that they know will disturb that sleep.

I dont know many people that aren't selfish when it comes to sleep

Most partners are capable of compromise, if they care about their partner getting enough rest.

RandomMess · 04/02/2024 19:16

Single duvets of different togs will help.

Original poster
Louise0808 · 04/02/2024 19:23

I did not realise not having matching sleep routines was such a red flag.

Well i imagine I'm selfish? Inconsiderate and a red flag too?
Because I wont allow him the routine he needs to sleep either.

Or does this just apply to men?

Some of you need to calm down.
It's a sleep routine. It doesn't match. He likes warm, I need cold. It's not that deep.
Don't get me wrong I'd happily have single beds but that isn't going to happen.

Different togs could work. Also looking at an air conditioning unit too. Thanks for the suggestions everyone.

OP posts:
Sharksarescary · 04/02/2024 19:26

Have a sheet over you instead of a duvet. Get single beds. Get a sofa bed in the lounge.

I have to have a window open a bit at night even if it’s just on the safety catch with a little crack.

We have a super king size bed and I often have a separate sheet and if I do have the duvet I always have my feet out. Also we both like our own side of the bed.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/02/2024 19:30

Can he not wear a sleep mask to block out any light? Then you could have the door open at least.

I had an XP who not only had to have the windows shut, but locked too, plus all doors closed. I used to wake up from dreams of being buried alive and couldn't even go and stand outside the back door, because he'd locked it and hidden the key. I used to ask what he'd do if fire broke out and he was adamant that he'd have 'plenty of time' to dig the keys out from the obscure place he'd put them (different every night) because of his pathological fear that burglars would get in.

It was an unfounded fear as well, because not only did he live in a very quiet and crime free area, but he had a dog that would bite anything that came over the threshold, whilst barking fit to wake everyone in the postcode.

Hated it. I sleep with an open window all the year round!

Original poster
Louise0808 · 04/02/2024 19:49

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat
Oh wow. That is extreme. I wouldnt be able to settle knowing I couldn't get out the house with the kids if a fire started. Thats such an odd thing to do

Thankfully he doesn't do that. Id freak out If he did

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/02/2024 21:47

You seem to think you're as selfish as him, and yet you state very clearly that you've tried 'so many times' to compromise.

How has he tried to compromise? Has he discussed his willingness to compromise with you?