Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should it be a dealbreaker if your partner doesn't reciprocate oral sex?

56 replies

Ralphinesonvoice · 03/02/2024 22:17

Hi everyone!

Let’s start by me saying ; I’m not a troll, you will waste time reporting me !
Background ; I’m 45 years old and have been with my husband for 25 years.

Our sex life is quite basic and we are still doing it because I initiate it. It’s pretty much just an inter course but I give him oral but he stopped doing that a long time ago (to my chagrin) / is it normal ?

I tried talking to him about it but he makes jokes, he is awkward / He makes me feel grateful we still have sex

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 03/02/2024 23:22

I read the title and my first though was that it might not be for me, depending on the circumstances. But I came on to say that it does not matter if is a deal breaker for others, you are quite entitled dictate your own deal breakers!

Then I rtft and actually, the other circumstances just make it worse and he is just a wanker. I would definitely not be having sex with him.

caringcarer · 04/02/2024 00:23

I couldn't be happy only having sex when I initiated it and a DH who didn't reciprocate willingly. I'd simply call it a day on divorce him. Then I'd look for someone who would/could make me happier.

wellhello24 · 04/02/2024 00:28

SaunteringOnBy · 03/02/2024 22:54

You know you don't need justification to leave someone right?

Why the hell would you stay with someone for 25 years of your VERY limited life on earth if they're not fulfilling what you want or need?

You're 45. You've got a very very limited amount of good time left before age breaks your body completely. What you do with the next 20 years is your choice.

“You're 45. You've got a very very limited amount of good time left before age breaks your body completely. What you do with the next 20 years is your choice.”

Fuckin hell. What a crock of shit! You speak like she’s in her 60s!!

wellhello24 · 04/02/2024 00:30

Stop doing it for him. Lazy bastard

justasking111 · 04/02/2024 00:33

Oh what a selfish man.

SleepPrettyDarling · 04/02/2024 00:39

I can only go by my own experience but if it’s not completely fair both ways, one person feels aggrieved. You don’t have to accept this. The best sex I ever had was post divorce (20 years married.)

SaunteringOnBy · 04/02/2024 00:45

wellhello24 · 04/02/2024 00:28

“You're 45. You've got a very very limited amount of good time left before age breaks your body completely. What you do with the next 20 years is your choice.”

Fuckin hell. What a crock of shit! You speak like she’s in her 60s!!

Show quote history

Well 45 + 20 is 65.

It's pretty common for the human body to begin a rapid decline after 60.
Often by 70 arthritis and liver issues etc. creep in.
70 is the average age of heart attacks on women.
By 80, muscles have been wasting at about 8% a decade since turning 30 so they're down a considerable amount.

If you're fortunate, you can stay fit and healthy a long way into old age, but eventually, guess what, every fucker dies.
The average lifespan for a woman in the UK is 80. Op is over half way done with her life.

Come 70, very few people are as fit as they are at 45.

Depressing.. but of OP takes action now, the second half of her life could be far better than the first half.

Babla · 04/02/2024 00:56

Truebee · 03/02/2024 22:20

are you one of the people on here who claim you only need to use water to wash? that would be an obvious reason as to why he doesn't do it.

Edited

What a nasty comment

Babla · 04/02/2024 01:00

You should see him when he comes and get on with things not giving a shit I didn’t come

This is a dealbreaker.. why are you still with him

Truebee · 04/02/2024 05:10

@Babla whats nasty about it? not being clean is going to put people off oral sex.

StarlightLady · 04/02/2024 05:36

Certainly for me it would be a deal breaker. I would not go to bed with someone for the first time without a little conversation first, this would include boundaries and expectations. For me it would be no oral, no entry.

But in this case it sounds as if he used to and doesn’t any longer. If that is right, then a different conversation needs to be had.

Namechangefromholiday · 04/02/2024 06:37

Was he ever good with sex, ie paid attention to your needs? It doesn't sound it at all. Having a big penis doesn't make him good, although a big penis coupled with a lot of foreplay can be amazing.

For me I would have been concerned at the point he stopped doing oral sex. If my DH stopped doing that I would be really concerned and want to know what the problem was. But having said that, I'm fortunate that oral sex is something he very much loves, and loves seeing what it does to me. It isn't unusual if we have a lay in if kids at grandparents for him to focus solely on foreplay and oral sex and give me an orgasm with his tongue.

Perhaps try talking again but sounds it needs more than that to make changes. And if he doesn't want to, you can't make him

StarlightLady · 04/02/2024 08:01

Namechangefromholiday · 04/02/2024 06:37

Was he ever good with sex, ie paid attention to your needs? It doesn't sound it at all. Having a big penis doesn't make him good, although a big penis coupled with a lot of foreplay can be amazing.

For me I would have been concerned at the point he stopped doing oral sex. If my DH stopped doing that I would be really concerned and want to know what the problem was. But having said that, I'm fortunate that oral sex is something he very much loves, and loves seeing what it does to me. It isn't unusual if we have a lay in if kids at grandparents for him to focus solely on foreplay and oral sex and give me an orgasm with his tongue.

Perhaps try talking again but sounds it needs more than that to make changes. And if he doesn't want to, you can't make him

I agree so much with this. Oral only sessions every so often are lovely and enhance variety.

Original poster
Ralphinesonvoice · 04/02/2024 08:35

Thank you everyone. Honestly I tried to talk about it with him but he cringes so much that I don’t feel I can spell it out. I don’t feel he ever really care about my needs. The foreplay consists in him touching me down there but it’s not very nice so I ask him to get on with it. I’m sad to admit that the first time I have had am
orgasm was when I was 36 years old and that was thanks to my first vibrator. I thought I knew what was an orgasm when in fact I didn’t. It’s sad.

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 04/02/2024 08:54

OP, In the words of my late mother going back to when l was in my teens “if something doesn’t make you feel nice, stop doing it”.

josuk · 04/02/2024 09:21

OP - you married young. And have been together for a very long time. Keeping physical relationship going and feeling excited about sex with the same person for 25 years os difficult and many people do not manage.

That said, i do think you had other complications thrown in the mix.
He does not have a strong libido. That has nothing to do with you, just how he is.
You - are not really confident, or in touch with your body.
Women often do not orgasm through penetration alone. But most discover how their body works through masturbation. And mostly way earlier than 36.
I do not think it’s fair to put all blame for your lack of orgasms on him.
A human can’t provide the sort of deep stimulation that a vibrator gives you.

If you never orgasmed by yourself w/o vibrator - him doing more foreplay, etc won’t make any difference.

I think your issues with sex started a long time ago - as young people you settled into some pattern. And that went on for 15 years.
Then you discovered a vibrator and wanted a change. But that doesn’t happen easily.

Why didn’t you just introduce vibrator to your sex life with him? You can still do it. Instead of trying to change him after 25 years - just give it to him or finish off by yourself after he had come. Why not just say - I am not done, i also want to come. It’s hard to argue with that in the moment after he just had an orgasm.

In the end of the day - it’s your body. And you can control what happens. It’s up to you to get what you need.

perfectcolourfound · 04/02/2024 09:27

Aside from the oral sex issue, he sounds selfish and uncaring. And his arrogance that a big penis should make you happy is astonishing. Aside from the fact his penis may not be that big, he's just telling you it is - a big penis does not make for good sex. He is showing his immature approach to sex by even thinking that the size of his penis should automatically make for good sex. That isn't what good sex is about.

So he's either very immature and inexperienced or very selfish and arrogant. Or likely all those things.

And THAT would be the dealbreaker for me. He doesn't want you sexually, he begrudges having sex, when you have sex he doesn't care about your pleasure, he refuses to discuss it with you. All reasons to leave him.

StarlightLady · 04/02/2024 09:35

perfectcolourfound · 04/02/2024 09:27

Aside from the oral sex issue, he sounds selfish and uncaring. And his arrogance that a big penis should make you happy is astonishing. Aside from the fact his penis may not be that big, he's just telling you it is - a big penis does not make for good sex. He is showing his immature approach to sex by even thinking that the size of his penis should automatically make for good sex. That isn't what good sex is about.

So he's either very immature and inexperienced or very selfish and arrogant. Or likely all those things.

And THAT would be the dealbreaker for me. He doesn't want you sexually, he begrudges having sex, when you have sex he doesn't care about your pleasure, he refuses to discuss it with you. All reasons to leave him.

This.

He appears to have constantly overlooked the fact (or doesn’t realise) that the clitoris is the primary female sex organ. Plus lesbians can have good sex without a penis in sight! Sex is not all about the penis.

InkySplott · 04/02/2024 10:23

Stop giving him oral .

Hijinks75 · 04/02/2024 10:35

People go off things, doesn’t have to be the end, DW will give oral but doesn’t like receiving, she used to and I’d like to do it but for whatever reason she just dislikes it, doesn’t stop our sex life though

StarlightLady · 04/02/2024 10:36

Hijinks75 · 04/02/2024 10:35

People go off things, doesn’t have to be the end, DW will give oral but doesn’t like receiving, she used to and I’d like to do it but for whatever reason she just dislikes it, doesn’t stop our sex life though

Better pop round to the OP 😀.

JDJT · 04/02/2024 10:44

Definitely selfish not to reciprocate. Well, I guess as long as they are satisfying you in some form it is OK, as long as both parties are happy with that.

Edit - now seen your update posts. He's not satisfying you at all. That's not on. Stop giving him pleasure.

Redcliffe1 · 04/02/2024 11:01

For me this would be a deal breaker - a man going down on me is one of my favourite things. A lot of men love doing it - I'd leave and take my chances. The odds are in your favour.

BCBird · 04/02/2024 11:05

I think oral is not the issue. It is the fact that he does not seem yo care about your pleasure whatsoever . Selfish sex is soul destroying. Stop servicing him.

LiveLaughCryalot · 04/02/2024 11:09

Every single one of your posts @Ralphinesonvoice begs the question... why on earth do you beg for shit sex? Stop initiating! I could not bring myself to have sex with someone who wasn't enthusiastically taking part.
Stop initiating and build on your self esteem. It must be shot if you are begging for scraps off this man. He isn't bothered about having good, fun sex, or any sex at all. This is his right. It is then your choice whether to stay with him and have this for the rest of your life.
You are a woman in her prime who craves good sex... believe me, someone else out there will want you!