Do you and your partner/DH work as a team....if so HOW do you do it??

[LadyG]

In the sense that domestic duties from basic cleaning hoovering laundry and food shopping to sorting out car house repairs etc looking after children, spending time doing fun stuff as a family arranging social stuff dealing with extended families (birthdays, entertaining visits etc) organising holidays all need to be done and in both of our cases fitted around full time demanding careers. However it seems to be me who ends up doing all of the above.
We are both paid OK but after paying nanny mortgage nursery, food shopping(ocado for convenience) cleaner and renovating house have no money for extra help. And tbh i don't want any what i would like is for the other adult in this family to occasionally book a plane ticket, remember we are low on milk ,arrange a day out a s a family or a night out and arrange babysitter, keep an eye on our finances, realise that the inside of the fridge oven etc does not clean itself....am I hoping for too much. Is this just a womans lot to do all this stuff and work and be a martyr?? If you have a true partnership where you share this stuff how do you do it?? Do you have defined areas of reponsibility (eg he does cars shopping holidays she does children and cooking cleaner does cleaning both do laundry. Or are you both the type who notice when a thing needs doing and then just do it so avoiding conflict? And how do you bring up the subject without getting into a big barney???

well dh does all the finances (except for my own personal account), pays the bills, does all the car stuff as I don't drive, and usally does the supermarket shopping

I seem to do all the deciding what the kids should eat, he does do a fair bit of cooking though, I oraganise playgroup as he is at work, but he has to do nursery runs as he is the one who drives.
He will put washing on , change beds, clean bathroom/kitchen too

he does all the gardening and diy

crumbs, it's making me feel for moaning so much!

doesn't your dh do anything?

Thanks posieflump. Any more tips ladies???? is the secret giving them stuff to do that is more 'manly' eg fnances cars-although DH is shocking at maths and rubbish at paying bills on time so not sure I could trust him with that one....

When we were both working in really demanding jobs dh did have a tendency to drop things by the wayside a bit so we had defined areas of responsibility (which we rotated so no one would feel hard done by).

Now after many many years together we both know the other is doing everything they can, so we tend to just do things as and when we notice them - and we both make an effort to notice what the other has done and thank them. (I think my grammar is all wrong here but ykwim)

different fo us as i am a sahm but despite that we have always worked as a team. Just because i am a woman doesn't mean i am magically more able to do stuff than dh.

right from the word go he shared all the baby care-changed nappies, did baths etc. i was breastfeeding so when we did night feeds i would feed the baby and then pass him to dh who would change his nappy and get him back to sleep.

now they are older we divide the jobs again. he does the lunches in the morning while i get the boys washed/dressed/bbags packed etc.

i cook the evening meal and make sure the living room is tidy for the evening. he washes up and puts the boys to bed.

it shouldn't all be down to one person.

you say you want to avoid a row-well sometimes a row is needed!

I really don't like the whole 'areas of responsibility' thing because I feel that when one hasn't done a job for a while one tends to underestimate what a drag it can be, so you end up with the situation where both sides feel underappreciated and hard done by.

Why do you have to do hoovering, clean the oven etc if you're paying for a cleaner? If she/he isn't doing it you're wasting cash there!
Bring up the subject when you're not seething! Tell DH you'd like to discuss something that's stressing you out, then have a nice bottle of Vin and be calm!!!! If DH is a rational person he'll listen, than you can plan a strategy for job-sharing!
Good Luck!

We seem to work pretty well as a team - because we know each others weaknesses
I am a sahm and do the daily things like shopping (although we do have a list that he will write on if he sees we need something), cleaning, childrens stuff ect. He tends to do the cars and lawn in the garden. He always puts the rubbish out and does the dishwasher (i do it wrong - so rather than ague i just let him do it), he doesnt even know where the washing machine is .

well my DH is wonderful, and s=does loads around the house and for us as a family, BUT

I have to tell him what needs doing, write a list of chores to do, drop hints about things coming up that will need organising etc......he rarely if ever does it off his own back.

even when I am away, or going out, I have to write a list of what needs doing when and how and who for otherwise the home would self implode.

and when we used to be in hospital a lot with DD3, and DH was in charge of everything, I still had to give him reminders! for instance, I swear he thinks that the children are self cleaning as unless I tell him he doesn't think that they need a bath. clothes either........

they get fed tho, but I am sure that is only because he gets hungry himself!

nah........in my experience, tis us mums who know the inner working of family life and they just wait to be told how they can fit in

He does cook at the weekend probably one evening meal or a lunch if we are having friends round. Gets home too late during the week to do much of anything really-no bathtime or bedtime with DS no cooking evening meal-will load the dishwasher after I have cooked but I usually leave the kitchen tidy anyway. Entertains DS in the morning with a bowl of cereal and CBeebies until our nanny comes (my work hours start earlier) Loads and unloads the dishwasher and puts on laundry spontaneously!-but then usually forgets to take it out again. Thats about it. He is pretty good if directed to a specific task like 'go to supermarket and buy bread and milk' but will not remember to do so unless called or texted on way home. TBH it is the mental juggling of thinking about our lo( who has been sick and I have been worried about him and taking time off for Drs appts etc) work v busy and stressful home renovation/ bills/ tax remortgage /holidays /mothers day present -for his mother! etc etc etc that has sent the 25 week pregnant over the edge-the day to day stuff i can probably cope with. But why should I have to organise all the day to day stuff too?? Don't want to be bitter and twisted but it does make me quite cross..

I do the cleaning, washing, ironing, social stuff, holidays, finance etc, selling things on ebay (he is useless on PC), present buying and wrapping, food shopping.

He cooks mostly (he is a chef), will wash up and puts the rubbish out. He will also clean the kitchen including fridge and oven/hob to an inch of it's life (again it's a chef thing)

However, he works full time, including shifts and weekends.

I only work 26 hours so can't really complain.

Dh is a sahp so does the bulk of the housework and looking after kids, cooking meals, dog walking etc. We've never had a thing where we have our jobs to do. We just do what needs doing when it needs doing. Neither of us is slack or lazy so noone feels hard done by really.

OOooh thak you all so much cross posted that should be 'the 25 week pregnant me' to make sense although ungrammatical. Jura you sound a bit like me except cooking. Sigh maybe I should just learn to live with it,get a better cleaner (no she NEVER does the oven or inside of fridge-maybe she doesn't have time because she has to tidy before cleaning-DH also v messy)and a Roomba. And that Robomop thing for the kitchen I read about on another thread. A chef and a PA would then make life just about perfect.....

It does sound like we are not atypical. Want to avoid discussing it with a big row because that is inevitably what happens or I burst into tears and he can then safely write it all off as hormonal...

i think we are a team, but it took years to thrash out the division of labour.I still get annoyed when decisions are deferred to me, but i am sure i put myself in this positon by being more opinionated than dh.
we both work.
in general its works like this;
dh- all ironing, car stuff( tax insurance MOT),Mortgage, House insurance,His banking,
fuel for open fire,cleaning out open fire,grass and hedge cutting,buying cat food and booze and take aways ,recording TV programmes, paying the rates,occasional hoovering,and fixing stuff like computers,car tyres and odd bits of DIY
Also sorting out and helping his parents( elderly)

me: Cleaning(although i am thinking of getting a cleaner) clothes washing and drying,hoovering,putting clothes away,food shopping and menu planning,all cooking,booking of flights for holidays, buying gifts,organising car hire and accommodation for holidays( i enjoy the holiday planning)
checking the joint account from which we pay bills by direct debit.ordering oil and firewood,tidying and sorting,bringing the drycleaning,dd's permission slips and orgainsiseing her activities,gardening and planting and weeding,small diy jobs like painting and decorating,sorting out and helping my parents( elderly)

jointly; spending time with dd and helping with homework. collecting dd from school and friends,inviting friends of dd over
making packed lunches,deciding on holidays,
planning for future,managing joint account,
looking after dd when one of us is working late,organising insurance,paying bills.

dd : cleaning own room, dusting washing car,some hoovering, laying table,nipping to the shop,emptying and filling dishwasher,feeding cats,making lunch at weekends,organising her own social life.

I fI am not working I probaby do more, but when all three of us are busy we have to work more as a team.

Cremolafoam you seem to have it all sorted. Had a teeny giggle at 'buying booze and takeaways and recording TV programmes' on yr DH's list of jobs though-I'm sure mine would have absolutely no problem if I assigned these to him....

i know it is funny. but it just sort of happenned that way. i have a definite day of being on strike( Fridays)when dh must sort out the dinner,buy some wine and make sure my programmes have been recorded.I know it is not really a job, but it means that when i am at my most exhausted all i have to do is sit in a chair and wait for my Indian takeaway.
He gets the cat food as i have a bad back and find it hard to lift out of the trolley

Takeaway and TV Fridays sound like a great idea-better than shattered LadyG sulking again Fridays...now why haven't I thought of that before?

Yes we do and it's easy because we aren't in a power struggle with one another - we both want to lead comfortable and productive lives and for all our family to do so, and we divide what needs to be done in order to get there fairly.

it's a tricky one isn't it?
I can't really complain about my DH's contribution to the home (he is upstairs cleaning the bathrooom as I type ) but when it comes to going out for the day, or visiting family or anything out of the ordinary, it is me who sorts everything out. "Holidays" being the worst case as I do everything except pack his clothes and toiletries which I refuse to do.

I'm afraid to say I thinkl it's a man thing...

we just tend to talk every day about what needs doing and then work out how we are going to do it and what can be done whilst looking after the children (eg shopping) and what can't. I guess I am lucky because DH works away so often when he gets back he is only too keen to be hands on and help.