Do you and your partner/DH work as a team....if so HOW do you do it??

[LadyG]

In the sense that domestic duties from basic cleaning hoovering laundry and food shopping to sorting out car house repairs etc looking after children, spending time doing fun stuff as a family arranging social stuff dealing with extended families (birthdays, entertaining visits etc) organising holidays all need to be done and in both of our cases fitted around full time demanding careers. However it seems to be me who ends up doing all of the above.
We are both paid OK but after paying nanny mortgage nursery, food shopping(ocado for convenience) cleaner and renovating house have no money for extra help. And tbh i don't want any what i would like is for the other adult in this family to occasionally book a plane ticket, remember we are low on milk ,arrange a day out a s a family or a night out and arrange babysitter, keep an eye on our finances, realise that the inside of the fridge oven etc does not clean itself....am I hoping for too much. Is this just a womans lot to do all this stuff and work and be a martyr?? If you have a true partnership where you share this stuff how do you do it?? Do you have defined areas of reponsibility (eg he does cars shopping holidays she does children and cooking cleaner does cleaning both do laundry. Or are you both the type who notice when a thing needs doing and then just do it so avoiding conflict? And how do you bring up the subject without getting into a big barney???

Hmmm maybe I'm wrong but don't think there is any power struggle about it- more that I like things to be organised clean and tidy(ish) fridge stocked admin done so we can spend time at the the weekend having fun instead of me being so exhausted that I am literally unable to speak as I usually am come Friday night...

FO Friday as i like to call it is vital ! you must instigate it immediately !!!!
The rules are:
no saucepan must be lifted
no potatoes nust be peeled
no hoovering is allowed
no shopping is allowed
someone else must pour your wine
you are allowed complete and total access to The Remote Control at all times!

grin]

Cremolafoam I have seen the light. Starting tonight bank holiday or no bank holiday...

Go ladyG!
put away that duster!

we work as a team as long as he never fails to remember that I am the team leader

I love MumsNet. You lot have made me feel so much better.

We tend to play on our strengths and although the load is unequal (I am sahm) I am happy.

Everything is on direct debit and any bills that come in like car tax, insurance, he does on the computer as he is IT consultant so tends to be much quicker at that type of thing than me.

I do all domestic stuff like tidying, hoovering, laundry etc but we have a board in the kitchen so as we use the last of something or something is getting low we write it on the board. We have groceries delivered and a menu list for the week (as ds1 has school dinners and a menu for that I work around that too) so there is no "what's for dinner" question.

This magic board also has a list of things to do like book dentist appointment etc but if someone specific needs to take responsibility to do it we write our name next to it. As it is in the kitchen we see it daily and it is next to the calendar so we can see what we have coming up that week.

I do the remembering for birthdays and shop about a month in advance for cards/presents, I have a card box and stick post it notes on the card so we know who it is for as we have general cards as well so no diving out to the shops for a sympathy/new home/congratulations card.

Dh unpacks the dishwasher in the morning, I get the boys washed and dressed, and I pack the dishwasher throughout the day as I have ds2 at home with me.

I do all the clothes shopping for our boys, and notice when they need new shoes

I have learnt to accept that some things just aren't as important to a man as to me, so I clean the oven when needed, kitchen floor etc but when all is said and done, my dh is wonderful, earns good money so I can stay home, gets up in the night for our boys if needed, appreciates what I do and loves me dearly. So I keep my mouth shut about the trivial things that bother me, I probably annoy him with stuff too, in fact I know I do.

I think the trick is to approach it with a "how can we sort this out" attitude, it is how we did it after our ds2 was born and I went from being able to do loads and dinner on the table as he walked in the door to looking after 2 children at home and a house in chaos

We both have high tolerance of dirt and disorder. Although he talks about me as though am Domestic Goddess ("have you done that to Mummy's standard?") when doing the domestic job he does best, ie delegating it to dc.

So, all you Mnetters with tiddly toddlers - look forward to the time they do the washing up AND bring you a cup of tea to the sofa.

i have some serious work to do on the balance of our 'partnership'.

we both work full time, i am paid twice as much as DH, it doesn't really matter to me but does stress me that if i ever lost my job we'd be up shit creek. my job is quite specialised.

so, i work all day, i get home and slip into soopermum mode. i drop off and pick up DS from nursery so all those panice moments of 'shit i;m going to be late for work' and the evening version 'shit, i'm going to be late to pick up DS and be fined by nursery again. DS works other end of town with a 1.5 hour commute each way. he moans about it but will not get off his arse to find another job. anyway, he saunters in when he feels like it, if he's not going to boxervise after work.

anyway, i put away the washing, put another load on, iron mine's and DS's clothes (DH picks a shirt from the humungours pile of his clothes. russle up something for dinner. DH sometimes cooks but the clear up time in the kitchen takes longer then.

i tidy up around, unload dishwasher, load it again etc.

DH does do more cleaning at the weekend, probably coz i'm too knackered to do it. he also is in charge of car, diy and garden though the diy is done with plenty of whingeing. he is not in charge of finance as the last time i left him in charge of the council tax, i ended up with a court summons.

so, all in all, he's not completely bone idol, but it's hardly an evenly matched partnership and i resent it- a lot.

You've identified a problem Soopermum, so what are you going to do about it?

What's a Roomba, Is it rude and do I need one?

I have to add that I would be very happy to actually DO most of the jobs, if only DH would think about when they needed to be done and tell me! The effort required to keep up with everything that needs to be done/organised/planned is far more than the effort required to actually do it. I feel like I constantly have 10 balls juggling in the air and there's no-one there to pick up the odd one that I drop from time to time.

We have talked about it (many times) but he says that he wouldn't organise life the way I do if it were left up to him - that he would have a more 'muddled' life and things would get done most of the time, but not always. I just don't think he recognises all that is done behind the scenes simply to manage two full time jobs, a house, a nanny, two children etc. Has anyone found a way to educate their OH without going on strike and letting them find out the hard way?

I once had a conversation at the school gate with a dad who said he thought the optimum number of jobs between a couple who are parents is 1.6 to 1.8. At the time of the conversation he and his wife had 2.0 jobs and they were finding it difficult.

Dh and I have never had 2.0 jobs between us since we've been parents but I wouldn't like to try it.

I've never 'got' this idea of a team, frankly. I tend to think of Mr Inferior and me as fellow-inmates .

He probably does slightly more domestic stuff than I do (we pay a cleaner, but he does the washing). I do more admin around the kids' lives, usually through gritted teeth.

Oh god and yes he does everything to do with the car. And the cats.

i haven't read all the posts but here's our arrangement. I'm a SAHM, 2 DC's one at school one at home. I was doing EVERYTHING at home ie all stuff to do with kids, shopping, cooking, cleaning (cleaner comes once a week but clean house only lasts for 1 day so i clean 6 days a week!) all finances, car insurance etc. Basically all he did was go to work.

I got fed up recently and have now told him im not doing any of the finances, car stuff, insurance etc. He was fine about taking on all that stuff and i felt stupid for not passing it all over to him sooner, but also a bit annoyed with him as he knew i was struggling with doing it all but he didn't offer to take some of it off my hands. We also have 3 investment properties so i was dealing with all related stuff to do with them (we're not rich they are all mortgaged to the hilt) and it was like running a small business from home on top of looking after the kids and housework etc.

From my experience i would just decide for yourself what would be a fair division and what you think your DH would be ok to be left with and just tell him and stop doing it yourself. It is VERY unlikely he will notice you are doing it all and offer to help!

We do sort of work as a team. I do everything, he goes out to work and pays for a cleaner once a week (that's his chores covered then!). Saying that, I'm pretty organised and have tried to get 'systems' in place (such as getting things paid by DD, having milk and groceries delivered). Like Fizzylemonades card box, I make sure I keep a present box stocked up and birthday cards in supply.

I always tidy up before the cleaner comes.

From time to time it gets me down, but he does the school run almost every morning which is a HUGE help. Saying that clothes and lunches all done the night before ...

I'm the one who gets up with the baby/children in the night.

I do the DIY - he doesn't know one end of a drill from another. I get the car MOT'd. I get his cricket/gym/football stuff sorted ...

think I might have to address some issues here myself

I think we do a pretty good job of this

I work 4 days a week (2 afternoons off and pick dd up those days from school)
DH works from home 1 day a week and starts/finishes early and picks her up that day.
He takes her to school 3 days a week and I do 2

We both earn similar amounts and split all bills/mortgage evenly.

We have a cleaner 2 days a week who does pretty much all the housework

I generally cook, he generally clears up (though when he does cook I clear up)

At weekends he usually lets me have a lie in. I let him have a nap or chill out in the pm.

We split equally the washing - whoever notices it needs doing puts it on. Whoever notices it has finished hangs it out/puts in dryer. We farm out the ironing mainly.

I do most of the shopping on Ocado. He is very good at realising when we are out of something and either telling me or picking it up himself on the way home

Re organising social things, he used to be quite bad at this but is getting better.

Hmmm Countess Dracula I think I'd like something more like the balance you have. Haven't come to any great conclusions with DH but have managed the odd chat about it over the w/e without too much of a fight. Maybe I should get him to read this thread???

Our house is currently a bomb site as I refuse to do any more of the tidying up - we are now on day 3.
This too is one of my major annoyances. DH works from home while I have two jobs (1 day a week teaching and then working for him from home part-time which means that some days there is nothing to do and some days I am very busy). We have two DD (twins).
While I too am the one doing more of the organising/tidying/housewifely bit the most destructive part of it, is that it is never noticed and I am never thanked. Apparently what I do is not classed as work.

..and on top of that we have been to see Relate since day 1 of DDs being born. I don't seem to be noticed as a person anymore. I don't feel he is interested in what I have to say anymore and he certainly can't show any afection.

We are financially secure and I get the impression from family that I am supposed to feel grateful for this and just knuckle down and get on with it.
How is your relationship generally? Not sure I can take any more and seriously considering divorce

After we had our new dishwasher for about a year I commented that I didn't recall it saying in the instructions that only I could use it. Ditto the washer, dryer, vacuum cleaner, lawn mower, hedge clippers , car wash etc etc!!!!! I am clearly doing something wrong I think. I also ask my mil to ask dh to describe any cards or presents sent to her by "him". !!!

Hmmmm alll the messages here are very very interesting. I asked DH to read the thread. He did take it some of it on board but also said that he thought that in some of the households where it was more 50:50 ish the DW was exaggerating about how much their DH did!!!!!!! I explained that we girls just don't do that sort of thing
Upshot is he is going to take on a few named specified duties (eg rubbish bins, hoovering on a Sunday morning, cooking or organising dinner every Friday, trying to get home in time for bedtime on a Wednesday and doing bath and bedtime at the weekend) and we are going to have a financial makeover to see if I can afford to go part-time when number two baby arrives. WRT organising social stuff calenders holidays house cars bills etc and juggling all the threads that go with two careers and children we are going to have a sit down with the diary every Sunday night (we already have an online Google calender we both update) and assign a to-do list to each of us for the week. We will see how it goes!!

so pleased to hear your good news LadyG. You've made real progress.
I am VERY impressed that your DH even agreed to read the thread (my DH would think it a load of female rubbish).

Even though there are still three rooms that are littered with stuff to tidy up, I am now officially "on strike" and am ready to confront DH with a list of household duties.

good luck

Hmmm RoseAnne divorce has been mentioned not entirely as an idle threat several times in the last 2 and a half years since DS was born......and we don't have twins so can imagine the pressure you must both be under.
I think reading the thread was really helpful actually-made him see that I was serous about wanting things to change for the benefit of all of us and not just being hormonal/naggy fishwife...