ND teen not happy about relationship

[Prettypoppies50]

My hubby and I are poly. We have been married over 20 years, have 2 DC and were poly before we wed and after. We are very happy in this lifestyle.

Anyway when we met our current partner (E) and realised it was going to be long term and serious (about 8 years or so ago) we sat down with our eldest child who was a teen at the time and had the conversation that mum had a boyfriend. They have always been very open minded and was absolutely fine about it all. This is when we also 'came out' to friends and family so our kids would nt ever feel like they had to keep any secrets. Almost everybody were very supportive or simply did nt really care about our personal lives in that way for it to be a problem. E has met everyone in our immediate family and friendship circles including the kids and he has been in their lives a long time now. The relationship is romantic between myself and E and he and my hubby are good friends and spend time together platonically. We have also all spent a lot of time together as a family over the years and all has been ok. Until now.

Our son is neuro-diverse and now a teen. He has completely out of the blue become very moody and quiet after E has left. ( E does nt live with us but visits often). He admitted yesterday after several episodes of this that when E and I are alone in a room together, especially if the door is closed it makes him feel bad. DS is not very good at expressing, communicating or understanding thoughts and emotions which is part of his disability but I tried to have a conversation with him so I could understand his thought process and why he was feeling uncomfortable.

To clarify E and I are not sneaking off and having sex and my son has caught us or anything of that nature. My son's definition of 'being alone' relates to mundane things like us cooking dinner together or having a conversation in a room my son is not in. (Which can a lot as E has a job that is quite difficult and he usually needs a rant about things of a quite distressing nature). I see E a lot more then me and hubby see E together at the moment and this is purely due to busy lives, conflicting work schedules and just life in general. But I think my son thinks E and I are having an affair, or his understanding of one and us being alone is proof of that fact and understandably this is then causing him confusion and upsetting feelings. He has just hit puberty and is learning sex ed at school which does nt cover when your parents have extra partners! My son is very used to seeing E and I hug, kiss and snuggle and it only seems to be us being in a separate room by ourselves that is causing the issue.

Whilst I understand the easier thing to do would to simply not be in a separate room alone with E, I also don't want my son to be controlling how I interact with my partner or for him to think it's ok to tell his mum and dad what they can and can't do. I would also like him as part of an LBTQ+ family to continue being brought up open minded, tolerant and progressive. Of course I don't want him to be distressed or feel uncomfortable but E has been part of a normal family life since my son was a toddler.

I honestly don't know how to approach this and just feel a bit stuck.

Imagine how uncomfortable that poor boy must feel, in his own home.

Is that a question of 'what are sex parties'? Not sure what you are saying/asking, sorry.

I’d just missed any mention of sex parties. Maybe I’m one of the ‘pearl clutchers.’

I just think, do what you like in your personal relationships and sex life but expecting other people to be happy about it - particularly neurodiverse teens - is a step too far. I don’t think that’s quite going to the length of suggesting that she’s having sex parties.

The issue here isn't your lifestyle choices and preferences...the problem is that your son who lives with you and is ND, isn't comfortable with the way that you all are presenting and handling these relationships...in his presence. He is also confused.

Don't blame the ND for your son's adverse reaction to this. He has his own opinions and beliefs about life. He may not agree nor may be willing to accept your choices, which is fine.

I think informing him as to what was going on before hearing from others, imo was fine.

Not allowing him to completely dictate and control your life is fine. It is fine to have a separate life outside of parenthood...
The problem is he isn't living independently, and you all haven't much boundaries in place to make it possibly a more comfortable situation and environment for all. He lives there too.

You don't have to terminate these relationships, but it's best to keep your son in mind. Perhaps don't have the partner over at all....in the future, perhaps slowly reintroduce him to your son in small doses...perhaps as a family friend...take it slowly with him.

For the meantime, no visits from the partner in the household. See each other, other places. Have a sit down with your son and tell him that E isn't going to be coming around anymore.

By all means, don't stop living your entire life and being authentically who you are because of your son... just keep it seperate and establish boundaries....for now...until your son is living independently...

That way, he doesn't have to accept living in the household if he is in does not approve of the choices.

I was saying it as a point of reference for behaviour that would be unacceptable to expose children to, direct sexual behaviour.

When you say 'I just think, do what you like in your personal relationships and sex life but expecting other people to be happy about it - particularly neurodiverse teens - is a step too far.'
Genuinely interested, but couldn't you say that about any relationship? So you could say that about a couple who were happy to hug in front of their kids - or are you saying, as you'd say to a couple who like a hug occasionally in front of their kids 'teenagers aren't happy with any indication that you have sex, so not worth worrying about' or are you saying your advice would be to that couple 'don't show any affection around the kid as it makes them uncomfortable'

Your ds is right. It's not fair on him. He didn't choose a poly family.

Poor kid. Your child, despite his communication difficulties is telling you loud and clear hes not happy and you are all about your wants and needs. He's going to get you out of his life the first opportunity that comes. Just because you're not listening.

I don't care about your lifestyle. You should have kept it to yourself though. When there's no kids adults can do what they want. When there are kids you can't.

You reap what you sow. Crack on.

I think with the best will in the world, kids are often not that happy with their parent’s girlfriends or boyfriends.

It’s a common scenario that’s often seen on here after divorce or whatever. The advice is usually to keep it separate from the child in that case, or at the very least not expect them to be happy about it. When you add in that it’s an additional partner in the house to the child’s two parents, which then also has the parent asking the child to accept that they’re now part of an ‘LGBTQ+’ family, then I can see why it’s a bit difficult.

Great, got it - thanks for the reply!

Children want to feel safe and secure particularly when they are ND, that's probably quite difficult when their mum is spending loads of time including romantic time with another bloke apart from their dad. I think you need to put your child above your sex life, this is obviously all very confusing for them.

My parents were poly.

I'm 45 and we're no contact since 2016.

It's not for you to decide what your kids are ok with.

I dont think any teens are going to feel comfortable with this situation. Its hard enough been a teen without giving them additional anxiety, confusion and conflicting feelings about their home life. I dont understand why your DS needed to be told and I dont think its fair to bring kids into this lifestyle. Wouldnt it be better to have kept your non so private life private… you’re putting your needs above those of your children

I’m sorry but I really feel for your son. Why is the boyfriend involved like this? This boyfriend isn’t his dad. He would probably be the same if you weren’t with your husband and he was his stepdad.
Your son needs to come first, have E around the house less. He doesn’t need to be there

You mention how you have also spent less time with his dad recently so maybe it’s making it worse because of that too. Sit down and talk to ds. Again remind him how he comes first. And show him that.