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Original poster

ND teen not happy about relationship

63 replies

Prettypoppies50 · 03/02/2024 17:23

My hubby and I are poly. We have been married over 20 years, have 2 DC and were poly before we wed and after. We are very happy in this lifestyle.

Anyway when we met our current partner (E) and realised it was going to be long term and serious (about 8 years or so ago) we sat down with our eldest child who was a teen at the time and had the conversation that mum had a boyfriend. They have always been very open minded and was absolutely fine about it all. This is when we also 'came out' to friends and family so our kids would nt ever feel like they had to keep any secrets. Almost everybody were very supportive or simply did nt really care about our personal lives in that way for it to be a problem. E has met everyone in our immediate family and friendship circles including the kids and he has been in their lives a long time now. The relationship is romantic between myself and E and he and my hubby are good friends and spend time together platonically. We have also all spent a lot of time together as a family over the years and all has been ok. Until now.

Our son is neuro-diverse and now a teen. He has completely out of the blue become very moody and quiet after E has left. ( E does nt live with us but visits often). He admitted yesterday after several episodes of this that when E and I are alone in a room together, especially if the door is closed it makes him feel bad. DS is not very good at expressing, communicating or understanding thoughts and emotions which is part of his disability but I tried to have a conversation with him so I could understand his thought process and why he was feeling uncomfortable.

To clarify E and I are not sneaking off and having sex and my son has caught us or anything of that nature. My son's definition of 'being alone' relates to mundane things like us cooking dinner together or having a conversation in a room my son is not in. (Which can a lot as E has a job that is quite difficult and he usually needs a rant about things of a quite distressing nature). I see E a lot more then me and hubby see E together at the moment and this is purely due to busy lives, conflicting work schedules and just life in general. But I think my son thinks E and I are having an affair, or his understanding of one and us being alone is proof of that fact and understandably this is then causing him confusion and upsetting feelings. He has just hit puberty and is learning sex ed at school which does nt cover when your parents have extra partners! My son is very used to seeing E and I hug, kiss and snuggle and it only seems to be us being in a separate room by ourselves that is causing the issue.

Whilst I understand the easier thing to do would to simply not be in a separate room alone with E, I also don't want my son to be controlling how I interact with my partner or for him to think it's ok to tell his mum and dad what they can and can't do. I would also like him as part of an LBTQ+ family to continue being brought up open minded, tolerant and progressive. Of course I don't want him to be distressed or feel uncomfortable but E has been part of a normal family life since my son was a toddler.

I honestly don't know how to approach this and just feel a bit stuck.

OP posts:
CharlesChickens · 03/02/2024 18:32

Joey1976 · 03/02/2024 17:31

Sorry I really struggle with children being around Poly lifestyle. As an adult I feel slightly uncomfortable, let alone a teen. I think if you were child free it would be easier.
I imagine your son is trying to deal with normal feelings about sex and relationship's which will have been covered at school. This will be hard to process that his mum has sex with both his Dad and someone else and his Dad is fine with it.
It's really not fair to point towards your son being ND.

Agree with this.
Why are you forcing your young son to accept and deal with his Mum having sex with another man in the family home ? Really, almost nobody would think this was ok.

Otterhound · 03/02/2024 18:36

most teens do not like the idea of their parents having sex. The fact you have a another partners signals that you are definitely having sex with 2 men

seems your husband is far more discreet. Maybe take his lead

AnEmbarrasmentofWitches · 03/02/2024 18:39

SamW98 · 03/02/2024 18:27

Whilst I understand the easier thing to do would to simply not be in a separate room alone with E, I also don't want my son to be controlling how I interact with my partner or for him to think it's ok to tell his mum and dad what they can and can't do.

Wow - are you for real? How fucking selfish you are if this isn’t a wind up. Put your kid first rather than yourself and some bloke ffs. Honestly your OP is so entitled - whatever words you use it just reads me me me me me me me

Edited

This.

your poor kid.

Joonio · 03/02/2024 18:40

Surely this is a wind up? Can't believe anyone would behave like this.

WinterDeWinter · 03/02/2024 18:43

The more I think about this the more angry I'm getting.

Your child is telling you, despite his communication difficulties, that the way you inflict your sexuality on the family is making him feel very uncomfortable and unhappy.

Your progressiveness clearly doesn't extend to your approach to parenting - your refusal to be 'dictated' to by your child is classic authoritarian with a side of sexually incontinent narc.

My own father also felt children shouldn't dictate anything - I tried to ask if he could put his porn mags well out of sight but he refused. Porn, in the 70s, was a similar kind of 'progressive' in liberal circles to 'poly' now. We lived in a very sexualised atmosphere where his sexuality dominated everything, and was impossible to ignore - and it's had a profound effect on us both.

There are just as many narcissistic, authoritarian, damaging progressive people as there are conservative.

CricketWhites1 · 03/02/2024 18:47

I have an acquaintance on Facebook who is like this. Openly posts about her 'lover' and tbh, just makes her husband look like a total cuck. Her kids are also ND so I wonder if you're actually her?

It's pretty repulsive tbh and my advice would be to hide this side of yourself from your children. It's unfair and damaging to them

CricketWhites1 · 03/02/2024 18:48

@Joonio you'd be surprised. My 'friend' on Facebook is really proud of it - pics of her on dates with this other bloke - and he's a total minger

PaterPower · 03/02/2024 19:06

”as part of an LBTQ+ family”

He isn’t part of an LGBTQ+ family. You’re in a heterosexual marriage with an (albeit ‘approved’) affair / bit on the side. You’re depressingly mainstream.

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/02/2024 19:08

Probably all feels very liberal and modern... but imo it's selfish and great way to mess with the minds of kids who didn't ask for this.

Orio2023 · 03/02/2024 19:15

Get some boundaries.

TwylaSands · 03/02/2024 19:16

PaterPower · 03/02/2024 19:06

”as part of an LBTQ+ family”

He isn’t part of an LGBTQ+ family. You’re in a heterosexual marriage with an (albeit ‘approved’) affair / bit on the side. You’re depressingly mainstream.

This. And also the entitlement to compare yourself to an lgbt family.

but also he has told you he is uncomfortable. Your response is to say he is selfish. No. No he isnt.

BuernBuern · 03/02/2024 19:16

I love the pearl-clutching, I've had poly people in my family going back three generations (born in the 1880s!). It's not something new.

There's probably an issue here with E not being part of the family unit or perceiving him as a threat - perhaps the relationship reads as more overtly sexual to him because it is outside the immediate family unit.

Do you consider E part of your family? It's probably worth clearly establishing the bounds of the relationship and defining them clearly. If he is part of the family then talk about what makes a family. Does he have had role in your children's lives? If not perhaps it's best to keep the relationship extra curricular and out of the familial geography.

converseandjeans · 03/02/2024 19:19

@PaterPower is correct - I have no idea why you would think a teen would feel part of an LGBTQ+ community.

My DS gets embarrassed about absolutely everything - even if I say hello to one of his mates. This would finish him off tbh! I can't see how a teen would ever be comfortable with your arrangement.

Itsthesamehere · 03/02/2024 19:19

How does your husband manage his poly relationships?

converseandjeans · 03/02/2024 19:20

Also when do you have sex if not when you are alone in a room?

pinkdelight · 03/02/2024 19:24

No teenager would be cool with their parents doing this...nd or not.

This. And also why do you need 'support'? It's not a thing you need support with.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 03/02/2024 19:28

newyearnewknees · 03/02/2024 18:05

You're using your child's neurodiversity to shift blame and responsibility on to them for not being comfortable with this. Awful.

This, and I didn't think that just you having a relationship with E is that not more of an open relationship?

Hatty65 · 03/02/2024 19:31

It's all a little bit sordid, isn't it? I'm not surprised any teenager is unhappy with this set up. Mine make vomiting noises if their Dad and I cuddle each other.

They don't need to know that Eric is shagging their mum for extra kicks in the marriage. Or that their dad is ok with it. They don't want you to be open about your sex life with them. It's a boundary you shouldn't have crossed.

bradpittsbathwater · 03/02/2024 19:31

No teenager would be ok with this weird set up. Don't blame him being nd. If I were him I'd be out as soon as I could afford to.

ApocalypseMiaow · 03/02/2024 19:31

I'm sorry but this is gross, why should your son have to be involved in your weird sex life at all? How unbelievably selfish to think he is being unreasonable, parent your kid and get your priorities straight ffs!

WomanHereWomanHere · 03/02/2024 19:32

BuernBuern · 03/02/2024 19:16

I love the pearl-clutching, I've had poly people in my family going back three generations (born in the 1880s!). It's not something new.

There's probably an issue here with E not being part of the family unit or perceiving him as a threat - perhaps the relationship reads as more overtly sexual to him because it is outside the immediate family unit.

Do you consider E part of your family? It's probably worth clearly establishing the bounds of the relationship and defining them clearly. If he is part of the family then talk about what makes a family. Does he have had role in your children's lives? If not perhaps it's best to keep the relationship extra curricular and out of the familial geography.

I don’t know that it’s really pearl clutching, I just think the world’s hard enough for teenagers these days let alone, neuro diverse ones, to expect them to be super excited about multiple sexual partners in the house and expect them to then believe they’re in a ‘LGBTQ+ family’ based on their mum’s wish to have multiple partners in the house.

It’s kind of wanting them to somehow participate in it. You can do what you want, but you can’t force other people to be happy about it.

There’s something somehow performative about it. The labeling of self and then the whole family as an extension, the expecting everybody to be aware of it, thinking children might want to talk about it, and then expecting them to also be happy about it at the same time.

Foxblue · 03/02/2024 19:34

I just KNEW this thread was going to bring out the pearl clutchers.

OP isn't 'rubbing her sex life' in anyone's face, she's in a bloody committed relationship with this person (and her husband). This isn't someone she has casual sex with, exposes to her kids then sends on her way! It's really not on to act like OP and her husband are having sex parties with random strangers with kids in the house when there's no evidence for that.

It's confusing to the kid because it's not what 99% of relationships represented in media resemble, with added complexity of them being neurodiverse. A kid with two mums, or two dads, could also come across the same difficulty because it's not seen as 'the default/norm', its not because they are poly - it's because its unusual!
Bloody hell, I remember a school friend thinking her parents were weird because they would hold hands in front of her!

Soontobe60 · 03/02/2024 19:35

BuernBuern · 03/02/2024 19:16

I love the pearl-clutching, I've had poly people in my family going back three generations (born in the 1880s!). It's not something new.

There's probably an issue here with E not being part of the family unit or perceiving him as a threat - perhaps the relationship reads as more overtly sexual to him because it is outside the immediate family unit.

Do you consider E part of your family? It's probably worth clearly establishing the bounds of the relationship and defining them clearly. If he is part of the family then talk about what makes a family. Does he have had role in your children's lives? If not perhaps it's best to keep the relationship extra curricular and out of the familial geography.

Fuck off with the ‘Pearl clutching’!
People’s kinks shouldn’t be laid wide open for their children to be forced to join in with. This is precisely what’s happening here.
The OP is gaslighting her child, which is tantamount to abuse. It’s got nothing at all to do with him being ND, it’s to do with him feeling uncomfortable with his parent’s sex games and having a mother who shows absolutely no consideration for those feelings. Grim!

wheo · 03/02/2024 19:38

How fucking confusing for your children.

What if they aren't into this lifestyle but will think it's acceptable to be cheated on now because they have seen you with multiple partners.

Sorry but this is something only adults should be exposed to, who understand the lifestyle properly.

WomanHereWomanHere · 03/02/2024 19:39

Foxblue · 03/02/2024 19:34

I just KNEW this thread was going to bring out the pearl clutchers.

OP isn't 'rubbing her sex life' in anyone's face, she's in a bloody committed relationship with this person (and her husband). This isn't someone she has casual sex with, exposes to her kids then sends on her way! It's really not on to act like OP and her husband are having sex parties with random strangers with kids in the house when there's no evidence for that.

It's confusing to the kid because it's not what 99% of relationships represented in media resemble, with added complexity of them being neurodiverse. A kid with two mums, or two dads, could also come across the same difficulty because it's not seen as 'the default/norm', its not because they are poly - it's because its unusual!
Bloody hell, I remember a school friend thinking her parents were weird because they would hold hands in front of her!

Sex parties?

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