Oh bugger...I think I might be the A*hole.

[Keyryder]

So I'm staying with family atm due to circumstances (hopefully leaving spring/early summer).

My sleeping pattern wound up getting later and later until I'm now struggling to sleep till 7am. You know that way where even if you go early you lie there for hours.

Anyway, my dad is musical. And used it for income while I grew up. He's supposed to be retired but still takes gigs occasionally.

He has been playing one new musical instrument early, as he learning it (ah the joys, lol) every day the past few months when I'm sleeping. Obviously its annoying but I don't want to make a fuss and I love that he has a hobby he enjoys. But tbh it's probably contributing to my sleep problems as it makes me stress 'I'm gonna get woken early' y'know.

Anyway, today, earlier than usual,he picks up an even worse instrument. Like, the mother of all annoying ones.

Now for background, he played this when I was a kid trying to study for my school exams all day every day those few weeks (under 'I have to practice') so all study went out the window for me and I was just so stressed by it all. And then did the same in subsequent years (always at my exam times it would be worse) I ended up arguing with him about it back then to no avail. It almost felt like he was deliberately ramping it up during those times...

Basically, it's a bone of contention.

Anyway, I've just ended up stupidly (half asleep and woken) having a rather irritated convo that reminded me of my teen years with him. I tried to explain it was just about 'having kindness' how 'he knows I've been struggling to sleep'.

I stupidly brought up how he did it back then in my teen years too. Only to once again be met with no acknowledgement of how it...hurt me at the time, I guess. Because it's not just about the stress and inconvenience. Really when you get down to it. It's about the inability to consider other peoples feelings and needs.

Anyway, que him round in a cycle of 'you need to fix your sleeping pattern it's self imposed' and me, acknowledging he's right about that but then trying to get him to meet me half way and also acknowledge that he often isn't thinking about other people when it comes to his music (I know mum struggles too) and he just...can't.

I definately feel like an asshole now though I mean I'm like, I've just asked someone not to play music in their own home at a fair time of day!
So I guess I'm the dick today.

I guess I would probably have been able to keep my mouth shut about it if I was sleeping at a fair time. Even though its a problem generally because honestly...i also HATE it! It's like nails on chalkboard to me. So that doesn't help.

Ugh anyway. I dunno what I want from this. Just to vent i guess. I think I might go down and apologise for being snappy with him.

So annoyed with myself for losing my cool.
I mean its not like he's ever going to acknowledge things from the past. More chance of hell freezing over.

Hopefully I can move out soon xD

Yeah..not really something you can get upset over if it’s at an appropriate time. Your sleeping patterns are not someone else’s issue to fix.
My job is rotating 24hr shift work and have recently moved home to save before moving overseas and both my parents are musicians. I just use ear buds and play brown noise. It drowns everything out and I sleep so much better. Something like that may work?

So what time does he start playing OP?

Perfectly reasonable times. At least, out of context. Nothing before ten.

Though tbf, if I knew my relative was struggling with sleep lately, I'd maybe hold off till the afternoon. I mean, imo it's just the nice thing to do.

I guess maybe the mood just strikes him so he picks it up whenever though.

The joys of having a musical family member lol.

I don't understand, if you are awake at 7am anyway, why him playing an instrument at 10 is an issue.

Earplugs?

Sorry what time is he playing?

I think you cannot live in their home and then dictate because of your poor sleep hygiene he can’t play his instrument, get some ear plugs, move out, or put up and shut up.

Is it the bagpipes? It he’s playing bagpipes no time is a good time.

The op isn't falling asleep till 7am thats the problem

It sounds like it's more that it's brought back memories for you, and that you didn't feel heard at the time. Now you don't feel heard but you also know he has a point.

I totally get you about when your sleep pattern is fucked. My insomnia has me still awake at 5am, and I'm like, well everyone else's alarms are going off in an hour anyway so not much point me dropping off now... It's a vicious cycle really.

I do understand that he probably thinks it's his house, and you're choosing to stay up late and sleep in, why shouldn't he play his instrument(s)? But it sounds like there might be a touch of passive aggression with it - especially as you say it always seemed to ramp up at exam time?

Yabu.

What are you doing to improve your sleep?

Yep, I'm sorry but you are the unreasonable one.

He's playing an instrument in his own house at a sociable time of day.

Sorry.

FWIW most instruments can be made less loud - mutes in brass instruments, duvets in drums etc, and I do normally practice where possible as quietly as possible but it's not always doable.

So get a couple of hours sleep 7-9am. Then get up. And nap for an hour in the afternoon. Then keep yourself awake till 9pm. You'll feel like death but you need to sort your sleep hygiene out. That will be contributing to why you're grumpy with someone who is doing you a massive favour.

Well yes you are right. You are indeed an arsehole.
Hopefully you get to move out soon.

i do understand why you snapped but your tiredness in their home is not their problem.

Yabu op but you know that. I thought you were going to say he was playing at 7am, but at 10 it’s perfectly reasonable that he plays at that time. He probably is being considerate as 10 is quite late in the morning, he might want to play earlier but waits until then. If you don’t like it maybe you should move out. Doesn’t sound he was particularly unreasonable when you were a teenager either to be honest.

Sleeping in is only going to entrench the fuckedupness of your sleeping pattern further. If you want to get back to sleeping normally you need to get up first thing, whether you have slept or not.

You're understandably annoyed about your teen years but they are long gone. You don't get to dictate what your parents do in reasonable hours when you're living off them.

Just get up at a normal time and focus on resetting your sleep pattern.

Yeah I think its fair to say I'm being unfair to complain. I should state that I'm not living off them however. I pay 300 a month and the majority of the shopping.

But yes he absolutely was in the wrong in my teen years. I don't know if it was passive aggressive exactly...if I'd have to guess I'd say he is maybe a little bitter about (what he views as) lack of successes and so something about me studying for my exams triggered that. But I really have no idea.

Funnily enough, not the pipes but he does have a chanter. That's always fun.

He sounds a fair bit livelier than you OP. Soz.

Finishing up a job here and then i can move out :)

They actually want me to stay longer. And offered the room initially. I think mum really struggled during covid and wanted me closer so when the opportunity came up to come this way I took it.

Is he playing his harmonica to encourage you to move out? Seems like he's practicing more aggressively the longer you're there...

I'm with your Dad on this one.

It wouldn't surprise me if he was playing at that time deliberately to make it clear that you are expected to sort your sleep out.

Yeah he's a total extrovert, always on the go. Dunno where he gets the energy.
Don't get me wrong I absolutely adore him.

Yeah he unfortunately refuses to plug in earphones. I think he likes to know people can hear the music as that's part of his fun. It's just...not always fun for us lol.

What hours do you work? Is it reasonable to ask him to play while you're at work?

It is pretty mixed work wise late afternoon till midnight is common.

You'd think he could :/

Thanks to all who have responded, have asked for this post to be taken down now as it might be outing.

Or the accordion or violin (if they are still in the early days of learning)