Be there or leave him be even though I think I know his future?

[Tanaria]

A young man I care about a lot, for many reasons. He is mid-20s now (I am late 30s, just for experience reference).

He used to be an elite athlete in his teens, but had to give that up eventually (when his performance did not measure up with others anymore) and get an everyday job, which he hates.

Has always been a bit of a loner (no real relationship yet, either), suicidal ideation, volunteers a bit around the career he no longer can have, but other than that has no social life to speak of. He often will just not respond to people's messages and decline days out, is depressed, but high-functioning. Sees his past self, where he was "on top" of everything, including being a high achiever in school, but now sees himself as a failure, which, together with his upbringing, explains why he often pushes people away, albeit politely. Wants to give up his current job, but has no future plans. Lives with his parents and hates socialising. Does show interest in exceptionally beautiful women and pushes away others who show an interest but aren't beautiful, so there is a shallow side to him.

Another man I know seems to show what this man's future could look like. Alone in a grotty bedsit, no friends, little contact with family, doesn't go out, has given up on his career because he has given in to his depression. Prefers to push friends away when he is in that state, just like the man above.

Both remind me of hedgehogs, curling up into a spiky ball when things overwhelm them in their lives. I am no longer in contact with the second man, however, I feel very protective over the former and a strong need to drag him out of his house kicking and screaming to show him what life can be like.

I know it's not my place to do so, but I care about him a lot. He knows I care about him and I make a continuous effort to keep in touch, but in a few months my opportunities to look after him will be greatly reduced for practical reasons. Then, it seems, he will have no one.

Should I leave him be and become the second man that I can easily see him turn into once he has pushed everyone away? Lonely and miserable, hating life and just waiting to die? Perhaps I'm wrong and he will snap out of it, but he said he's been like this his entire life. I'd have killed for someone to show me they care; I have been alone for other reasons, even if I wasn't always easy to love (platonically or otherwise). We have so much in common, too, mentally, that it feels wrong to just drop him. Seeing him like this makes me incredibly sad.

He needs a purpose in life and something to feel proud of.
Would he consider a career in the military, doesn't have to be infantry, but I know a few young men just like the one you are describing and honestly it's been the making of them.

Whoa! Never mind him, it’s YOU that needs to look at therapy to examine why this situation is your hyperfocus, and what you can do to change that.

He wouldn't, we touched on that when we discussed whether conscription is on the cards.

I am not saying I can save him, for those that deliberately like to misunderstand. It's more like I am the last one standing in a long line of people who have tried to look after him. Like I said, if I leave, he will have no one, and if he carries on the way he is, that may well be for a long time, until he finds another as stubborn as me, or never, and he'll end up like the man I once knew.

He's like my brother then, there's absolutely no helping them, you just have to let them carry on making their own sorrowful beds.

for those that deliberately like to misunderstand

There are issues with blurred responsibility in the way you're posting, @Tanaria, which looks indicative of a wider issue.

People may have misunderstood because you were not clear in what you said. Why the transfer of responsibility, to the extent that it looks like you blaming other people for something you personally had a hand in (i.e. a 2 way communication)?

It all seems very dramatic.

Even if you are physically moving away - which I think is what you're saying- you can still stay in touch.

I'd dial back all the intensity on this and start thinking about self preservation. I don't know what your relationship is with this man but it reads like you potentially have a huge romantic investment in him which could lead to you getting badly hurt if you keep up this current level of involvement.

People are going to people basically. The only person you have much influence over is yourself.

OP you are projecting and trying to rescue him, the 'young you' as you mention. But you can't fix him, only he can do that. You say you are ND so you know that this can mean it's easy to obsess over something and as a pp mentioned hyper focus on something or someone. All you can do is be there, share activities and or interests with him and be his friend but don't try to rescue him.

Op unwanted caring and fixing is not caring at all. It’s self serving. It’s intrusive, weird and inappropriate.

This young man lives with family and has a job and you persistently imagine you have the ability to see his future. How could you possibly know he will have no one?

What exactly do you want him to do, what standard of yours does he need to meet for you to be satisfied he’s living his life properly?

I read something on MN recently and it struck such a chord with me: "women are not a support system for men"

You sound a younger me - a 'rescuer'. I made the mistake more than once.

Just have a think about it

You can't control people like they are a puppet ot doesn't work that way, how do you know you are not controlling because you stick a 'comcern' label on it? Step back and them breathe

Seeing him like this makes me incredibly sad

and

I feel very protective

and

I am trying to drag him out

and

It's hard seeing someone you care about fall apart like this

and

I don't want to see this man head for the same fate

You must be aware that this is about you, not him, @Tanaria ? Has he asked for your help? Does he welcome it? What does he say he wants? How does he want his life to look?

Good on you for caring, but you do need to know your limits.

You can't force someone to change no matter how good you think it would be for them.

Can you just stay in touch with your friend, say a phone call once a week? That seems a healthy amount of contact and that way he knows you're still there for him if he does want help or to meet up in the future.

He doesn't ask anyone for help, he thinks he's a burden to people around him and tries to minimise it by never, ever asking for anything.

He enjoys the time we spend together on the rare occasion he does come out, but will not ever ask for mine or anyone else's time by himself, and more often than not will say no when asked, by anyone.

He is about to quit his job without another one to go to, because he dislikes it and thinks he's no good at it. The one thing he loved doing he is no longer good enough at to do for a living. My understanding is that a lot of ex-elite athletes go through this, but he has the added issue of mental health problems which mean he pushes people away.

And yes, I have already said that I realise that part of my protectiveness over him is down to how I felt when I had no one, and how I know the other man feels.

I am in touch about that much, sometimes less.

OP, you have way more patience and interest (of which I have none) for wasters.
A bag of weed is all that's missing here to complete the picture, though I imagine that's sorted already.

"Not like the others". Lol. I could find for you another few "projects" of the kind, on my street alone. He's just a common garden variety societal drain, not some misunderstood soul of barely contained potential. Sorry to burst your bubble.

The best that could happen, is his parents giving this grown arse man a push out of the house. But they might be enablers, so.. 🤷
If he doesn't want to improve his lot there's nothing to be done or worthy of doing. Stop being someone's fool OP.

He sounds a lot like me in my mid 20's. I didn't end up alone living in squalor. I didn't need (or want) saving. I just needed to get help for my depression and grow up.

How do you know this man? What do you want from him?

You are very fixated on knowing what his future holds. You do not know what his future holds.

OP
If you're looking for someone to save, I'm right here! I never seem to attract friends with saviour complexes.

I say this very seriously because I have two family members who attract these saviour types of friends and it has made a huge difference to their lives.

Difference is, they weren't pushing people away. They wanted help. This man doesn't want your help (or any help, it sounds like).

I know what you mean that you feel you can see someone's future, but you can't really. Things might turn out fine. Is it more you trying to rewrite your own story?

You risk losing this friend entirely if you push him to do stuff he doesn't want to do.

Why do you care? What's in it for you?

I don't understand what you plan to do to help though OP. You can make him aware of the lonely future that awaits him. You can urge him to join or do X, Y or Z, but it sounds like he isn't motivated enough to do anything. So sure, if you care about him and you're his friend, tell him your fears, suggest some solutions and then stay in touch with him after you move away. What more can you do?

You're acting as both a rescuer and or saviour to him but neither approach works in relationships.

Question is why are you doing this at all?. What happened to you when you were growing up, who taught you that rescuing and or saving people from their own selves was going to be down to you?. Who taught you to be codependent in relationships?. Likely one or other of your parents.

Despite your description of him, as others have pointed out, he is surrounded by people who have offered help. If he chooses to access it he can. He needs help—but not yours. You are not the last hobbit standing between him and destruction.

I particularly liked the observation upthread “he is not your hedgehog.”

OP, a lot of what you've said reads like many threads on here where parents are worried about their adult children being depressed/isolated, or siblings concerned about a brother or sister.

When asked "Do you feel @Tanaria that this better life he could have would be with you?" you replied "Not necessarily" which really does make it seem like you have feelings beyond friendship and that complicates things, a lot.

He is not you at the same age. He may want his life to be different but he may not. All you can sensibly do is suggest and encourage if he is receptive (and you can do this from a distance) but back off from enmeshment in this.

I feel more motherly towards him than anything else.

I would also never tell him what I fear his future holds. That is not my place.

I don't push him to do stuff, but I do offer, in a "hey, do you want to come and do x together" way. Rarely, he accepts (but is always glad he did).

It's all more a question of whether I keep on trying to open communication, or wait for him to reach out, which he likely never will.

Exactly this. Just because you see some similarities between yourself and this person does not mean that he needs or would appreciate what you would have needed or appreciated. You can’t heal your old wounds by “saving” someone else. It doesn’t work that way and will end badly.

Also you talk about how you are “leaving” and this have a limited opportunity to help him. Are you nearing the end of your life? Are you an astronaut preparing for an extended space flight? If not you don’t need to look at this in such a black and white way. You can be there for your friend and support him even from another part of the world and in fact that might give you a better perspective on the situation. Your desire to “drag him out” is misplaced and as much as you care about him you are overstepping.