Lonely and struggling with life

[Wombded]

I am not suicidal. But my heart is really aching today. I’ve had to cancel going out today as I feel really low and everything feels black.

I’m in therapy, doing the work, etc. I just feel incredibly lonely even though I’m married, unhappily. Both my parents are elderly but not maternal, more old school detached and critical. My H is cold and detached too, engaged and lively with the DC and others just not with me. I’m tired of arguing and asking for him to love and be the partner I deserve. He used to be but never makes the effort. I bring negativity to the house according to him and my DC, I’m tired and sad.

I’ve booked to see a solicitor so I’m taking steps. I just want to die, not literally but this pain feels awful. I’ve started reading about mother wounds but it is making me feel worse, much worse.

I don’t know what more I can do. Just needed to vent on here.

Sorry to hear this but it’s good you are making plans to change things.

This is a process and it takes time - in the meantime you can make plans about the next phase - what you want from life, what you will / will not accept in that next phase

Life is about moving forward - and a chance to make a change for the better
Best of British to you - put yourself first

My children are late teens, my marriage had been failing for years.

@bottlerecycle1 what does that question mean? I bring quite mundane mum stuff like managing the house, being supportive to all of them with daily life. I’m not cold, I probably sound like a mother who is never happy at the moment. So yeah I don’t bring the best version as I’m feeling so very down.

Have you seen a GP to rule out other causes of feeling so tired and sad (aside from an unhappy marriage)? Once you start planning a new life properly you may feel a bit brighter. What are you looking forward to? Are you doing enough to make yourself happy in the meantime? Other people can't make us happy all the time, or at all maybe. We have to be our own cheerleaders as best we can. My mum's cold and detached too, only to me though, sibling gets the loving mum. It sucks but I am doing things differently so my kids can't say the same. You have the power to be different from your parents/ husband too.

Could it be menopause?

@Restinggoddess thank you, my change feels slow and I feel really terrible at the moment. My teens have come in grunted greetings. I just feel ignored, lonely and sad. I could hear them coming in laughing and joking with their dad but rolled eyes for me. I really am seen in a negative way by them all. It makes me want to leave right now and not come back.

I feel hurt and depressed. I’m on HRT, anti-depressant medications were dangerous for me, they made me feel actually suicidal.

Have you considered antidepressants to help you get through?

@bottlerecycle1 I’m still not sure what you’re getting at? How do you know I haven’t given everything? To be the point where I’m now depleted?

Thank you all for listening to me. @SaturdayFive My mum is the same, I really do believe she wishes I wasn’t born. It’s really painful at the moment as my fight to survive is not there. I’m trying to look forward but as I have or feel like I have no one in my corner, my own push is not there. I just feel in a state of deep anguish today and sad that those loving relationships I should have around me aren’t there.

It could be hormonal but I’ve felt like this for a while. It’s triggered when I hear a friend talk about their mum being there for them. Even watching my DD laugh and connect with her father. I’m not jealous of her, I love my DC with all my heart, I think they’re just fed up of me being a misery. My husband just doesn’t treat me like a wife. I’ve tried everything to be loving, sexy, but rejection and rebuffing is again, painful.

OP so sorry you feel so lonely and depressed. In therapy are you exploring your parental dynamic? If your parents were cold and critical it can be very hard to overcome that treatment. Unfortunately you picked another cold character in your H but that is what so often happens, you are drawn to what you know.
Perhaps read up on inner child healing and speak to your counsellor about exploring that kind of therapy. This part, where you are doing the work is tough but keep going, it will be worth it.

Just my penny's worth but my vibe is like this

Yesterday and today, I have felt so lonely, it's made me anxious.

It sounds like our reasons and situation are very different, but I really sympathise. 💐 Honestly, the only nice chat I might get this weekend is in the vape shop!

@Seaoftroubles I’m doing inner child and reading about the mother wound. It is tough going in my therapy and I’m starting to question if I’ll ever feel ok😞

Please give the book a break for a while and not everything is due to hormones.

Sounds like you are just ground down, and burnt out.

Maybe even lost hope a little that things may not change regarding your partner meeting your needs. This is the time where you will need to meet your own instead.

Sorry you are going through this.

You are not alone.

I take it you have sat your partner down to have the conversation that you have hit a wall emotionally?

Men find it hard to take when their partner opens up on this sort of topic, I assume they take it personally and then their typical response is try and fix things. But most of the time they shut off and blame the partner. Its easier, I dont know. Sometimes the conversation has been had so often that they turn on the autopilot response and ignore until the inevitable happens and divorce is the only option. Is he fully aware that you may feel divorce is the only option left? or that you are looking into it?

When you do not get your needs met and get dismissed its easy to feel low and start dismantling our self worth and then it snowballs. Dont believe your inner dialogue.

@EmmaEmerald I feel anxious too in between the moments of absolute blackness. I had a lovely chat with the male server when I taking something back, and he offered me more kindness and friendliness than my own husband!

Do you work in a vape shop? Or were you buying? Those moments of connection would be lovely to have more regularly!

I'm so glad you're already taking steps to change things for yourself @Wombded . There's nothing more lonely than being in a marriage where your partner behaves deliberately to make you feel like shit, possibly in the hope that you will be the one to have the balls to end the relationship because they're too weak to do so.

Nothing stays the same for ever. You will get through this, one step at a time, half a step if needs be, but you will get there. Do keep posting if it helps, there's always someone around

@HopeFloatsAbove I’m not even sure of who I am. Just constant tears and then lack of sleep now thinking about shit, usually about how I’ll cope on my own, what will others say, effect on DC when we separate, etc. I feel like he has been given so many chances that I’ve bent myself so much out of shape. Now it’s the new year I cannot go on like this.

@HippyCritical There are times when I do believe he knows exactly what he is doing as he is distant with me but okay with everyone else. I get one word answers and when I snap, I’m the problem. This is why I feel so in deep horrible pain today as he is seems oblivious to my needs and if I ask for understanding, which I have given him a lot of when he has struggled. I get rolled eyes and ‘here we go again, oh do shut up, you’re making everyone miserable again Wombded!’. I just want to not be around anymore.

@Wombded I don't work in a vape shop ....it's just a bit shocking to me that my life has reached a stage where chatting in a shop at the weekend is such an important social point! They have a sofa and are happy for customers to just sit and chat to them. The guy who runs it seems permanently stoned. He cheers me up 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hope your situation improves. I agree with pp, not everything is due to hormones, it's like some weird MN bingo now of how quickly that will be suggested.

Is therapy helping? I'd be aware of your feeling there....you wouldn't be the only person who found it made things feel worse.

@Wombded we cross posted

sounds like leaving would be wise, unless it's possible he will change?

I’m seeing solicitor @EmmaEmerald , I have to do this as I don’t think I can go on any longer feeling so unhappy.

I don’t vape but I love the idea of you having a space to chat and relax with a shop keeper! What a nice guy!

@Wombded I'm glad that you are working towards making changes for yourself with the help of your therapist. You will get there even though it feels a slog now. Remember to keep giving yourself lots of self compassion and treat yourself like you would a dear friend who is poorly. Can you do a nice thing for yourself each day, even if it's just a takeaway coffee? Try to get outside now the days are getting lighter, simple self care but it all adds up. Xx

I don't think he's oblivious to your needs, it does very much sound deliberate behaviour on his part @Wombded . And you get to the point where you snap - he can then claim victimhood because of your reaction to his behaviour.

Can you get away by yourself for a day or two, or even a few hours? I know it's hard to go out when you're feeling the way you do but being away from what is bringing you down will give you a chance to breathe for a wee while.

@Wombded So glad you are seeing a solicitor. It sounds like separating is the best thing you can do for your mental health. You will probably find taking back control of your future will help your recovery no end.

I've never been married but I think being unhappy in a marriage and suffering constant put downs must be incredibly difficult and you will feel better without that sadness/anger/etc in your life.

It sounds like you also need to be wary of being the family scapegoat.

Depending on how much you do, you might need to withdraw some of it tbh.