Raises his voice

[Zok]

dh raises his voice when I do or say something he doesn’t like

today he moved me out the way in kitchen without saying anything as it’s a small kitchen and he needed to get by
he didn’t push me just moved me slightly

I said you should say excuse me or can I get past as I’ve been telling him pls when I want something
and he said “are we using manners now”

I said I do say pls to you

he said “not all time “

he then raised his voice and said he’s not doing anything wrong

yesterday I told him I felt like he forced me to share buy a specific robot vacuum as that’s only one he wanted and he raised his voice that I’m accusing him of being abusive with the word “forced “
I said it came out wrong

now I want another type of hoover and he won’t share but it as he said I broke his hoover a few years ago when it fell downstairs

i have autism and sometimes my words come out wrong

I told
him to match my volume in discussions but he raises voice

He said if I zip my lips will be better

@Zok

I'm begging you to please re-engage with Women's Aid, contact your GP and get professional advice.

You have posted about your abuser so much in here and been given fantastic advice and unanimously been told you must leave him because of the damage he is doing to your mental health and also to your children's long term wellbeing.

Day to day he is a complete arsehole but the situation as a whole is more serious than that.

Of course keep posting if it reassures you that you aren't the one who is abusive but at some point you will need to take on board the unanimous feedback you get.

He is destroying you.

He says I’m the abuser

I feel I can’t see straight
I’m still recovering from the birth have pnd

he’s downstairs working from home and I tried texting him but he says I should stop accusing him of things and he then says “leave me alone “ several times

the ironic thing is he has counselling later today which I referred him to and I’ve asked him to tell them that he’s quick tempered not sure he will .

And what’s the solution
divorce so the kids can spend weekends with him where I can’t see how he talks to them and can’t assist

at least here I can be watchful and respond

He says I accused him of being rude for
moving me out the way
so I deserve the be quiet response from him
then he texts me repeatedly to make me admit that I did accuse him

What you are doing is not working and will not work for a number of reasons. Firstly you being there shows your children that this abuse of you and in turn them is tolerated and or otherwise acceptable to you. Its teaching them very damaging lessons about relationships and lessons they could well repeat in their adult lives. Secondly he likes you answering him back or otherwise responding because it gives him a further challenge to take you down.

Counselling does not work for abusive people like him, its a complete waste of time. I would assume also he does not behave like this around and or to other people in the outside world. It is for you primarily and in turn your kids his abuse of you is directed at.

He also targeted you deliberately to abuse. Your boundaries, perhaps already weakened by poor life experiences, are being further eroded by this man now.

The solution here is indeed to divorce him. There is no other good or realistic option for you or they. You have a choice too re this man, your children do not.
Womens Aid can and will help you if you were to make contact with them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do you actually think that such a man would be at all bothered about his children going forward?. Ok so he may well rant about wanting 50/50 custody etc but these men are all hot air and will use the children to get back at their abused partner.

To an abuser, its always someone else's fault and never their own. He is also using the DARVO technique on you; something else beloved by abusers.

DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims.

I've been where you are twice in emotionally & verbally abusive relationships. My ex also used to move me out of the way, I'd forgotten that until I read your post

I get your rationale of having to manage his behaviour & the impact of what he does & says to the kids but you have to leave. I stayed in both relationships for 15 years taking their abuse & it's damaged me immensely. My brain has rewired & I struggle with most things. Yes I'm better off away from them both but staying for so long has damaged me as a human being. I wish I had left them sooner & stood up for myself & protected my mental health

I'm an advocate for protecting yourself first then you can be a better parent. The kids will in time see him for what he is & you can slowly start to recover from this

He didn’t push me out the way just moved me (not with force ) I just found it odd as was done silently

he doesn’t like being questioned or accused

yet months ago he accused me of hiding his
passport when it was lost
when he found it he wasn’t forthcoming with an apology had to pull it out of him

when I bring up the past he tells
me off

basically he thinks he wasn’t rude for moving me aside
He also has recordings of
me

I did report him to police last month but retracted it as he can just show them recordings of me scratching him to get his phone away to stop filming me
and then maybe no one would get custody

Please contact Women’s Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

You need to remove yourself and your children from this toxic environment. Please keep posting here if you find it helpful, but be aware that posting (especially if you ignore all the advice) isn’t going to solve the problem. You need to leave.

None of this is healthy or safe partner behaviour

There is no point arguing points with him, it's a waste of your time & you will send yourself crazy trying to prove yourself to him

You need to disengage when he gets like that & grey rock

Can you get some space away from him to think clearly about what you want your life to look like going forwards?

Still recovering from an epistiotomy and newborn has belly button issue
I hardly sleep more than 2-4 hours while he sleeps 6-7 hours

I sometimes call him at night and wake him to get me water and he complains
he’ll throw the bottle on the bed and remark “anything else “

no kindness between us or intimacy

next day he walks
around slowly with eyes half open and tries to act more tired than me

I’m much happier when he’s not here

divorce means he gets the kids at weekends where I can’t monitor how he treats them

hes very impatient with them if they don’t tie their coats on in time or spill food he doesn’t always shout but easily shows annoyance

when I tell him he has traits of narcissism and autism he says to stop analysing him

he blocks communication

when I have my counselling therapy at home he’s happy to sit near enough as he’s working from home so I can’t tell her that most of my anxiety is from him

but today when he has his session he will go out so he can have privacy

He sounds like an arrogant twat. Was he like this before you married?

divorce means he gets the kids at weekends where I can’t monitor how he treats them

He won’t necessarily even want them! Your kids are currently growing up in an abusive household. That IS ABUSE. Read up on what that does to a child. Then please contact Women’s Aid.

Get in touch with your therapist and say you need sessions out of the home in privacy.

Did you know that he wanted to come past you in the kitchen but stay there anyway? To make him ask nicely?

"when I have my counselling therapy at home he’s happy to sit near enough as he’s working from home so I can’t tell her that most of my anxiety is from him"

You're having therapy at home and he sits nearby and listens. Has your counsellor not picked up on this?

"And what’s the solution
divorce so the kids can spend weekends with him where I can’t see how he talks to them and can’t assist"

Or stay and allow him to gaslight and abuse you and for that all to be done in front of your kids. Your kids will end up traumatised by this toxic situation. He's obviously got you questioning yourself and so scared you can't see a way out. As others have said, I think Women's Aid is the answer here. Please make that first step.

One thing I know from my own childhood and from having my own child, never ever stay because of the kids

Go out for your therapy sessions, take your baby for a walk while you do it.

we were both there together and I didn’t block the way intentionally
he says other time I stand near the front door when it’s time for
him
to leave as I’m making sure kids have all their stuff
it might be lack of self awareness on my part due to autism

How do I leave ? We both own the house in unequal shares

house has been on market a while with no interest

i Could rent but my savings would disappear instead of investing in a home

he can say I kidnapped kids if I rent far away
he can still turn up and want to see kids

Receiving divorce Papers under same roof sounds unpleasant he’s going to make things nasty

No as had an arranged marriage after meeting for 2 days ( not forced ) but I felt I had to marry him to make my folks pleased

he always says I forced him to have kids such as a month after we married as I’d always wanted to check if I was fertile

he’s pretty charming before the stresses of work , home life and kids

when he’s an asshole it dampens all the nice stuff he does

Brings me snacks and water at night while I’m with baby
cooks/sometimes cleans
changes nappies ( not done usually by Arab men )
will usually do what I say such as get me things I’ve dropped ( happens a lot as I’m clumsy )
or bring me things I’ve left

OP you are resisting all the replies telling you to leave.

Your situation is not so unique that you have no options. Many have been in your position and have managed to leave. So can you. It won’t be easy but it can be done.

I doubt he will actually want 50% custody. It doesn’t sound like he wanted children that much and he sure won’t want too many weekends on his own with them. Even if he did, it’s best they have one calm home with you plus one less so with him, than they continue to live in this one toxic environment.

Some good advice from PP regarding Women’s Aid and taking time alone to think etc.

He’s tidying up and when I questioned why he put something in a place he snapped and said stop talking and it’s better if I don’t talk and that is disrespectful as he’s the one tidying
I then looked at him while scratching my face and he said don’t look at him like this

@Zok

Have you spoken to Women's Aid since you last posted OP? Nothing is going to change unless you proactively seek professional help.

This relationship is not salvageable. Your children live in an abusive home. You've been advised on multiple threads to seek professional help again.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid and if not what is stopping you, as we may be able to help you overcome the hurdles in your mind to doing so.

They directed me to a local service that wants to call me weekly to offer support

I have pnd anemia feel weak ,surreal feelings and find even every day decisions difficult it has taken weeks to find a kids toys that looks and feels right
As my mother stayed with my father in worse circumstances maybe I’ve normalised it
she even filed for divorce in 2011 but it never went through if the other party ignored the letters

he’s holding a grudge for the things I’ve done in the past it bothers me how soft spoken he is with his own cousins but always rushing and hurrying his own family out of impatience