"I don't know if it's your hormones or an issue with your memory, but ..."

[AllTheWomenWhoIndependent]

During a relatively minor disagreement, my husband started his point of view with "I don't know if it's your hormones or an issue with your memory, but ..."

This has really pissed me off and stung for two reasons. Firstly, I think the whole "it's your hormones" thing is a lazy and easy way for a man to dismiss a woman's opinion - it's like saying that my feelings don't count because I'm just a hysterical woman with out-of-control hormones. (I'm on HRT if that makes any difference).

Secondly, and what really hurts the most, is the memory comment. I've been watching my dad slowly lose his memory with dementia for the last 4 years. It feels like such a low blow to suggest I'm losing my memory in order to gain the upper hand in an argument, and also, again it feels like a dismissal of my opinion.

Am I over thinking this? Or being too sensitive with these two comments?

I'm sorry, that is a horrible and dismissive commitment.
I'd be tempted to counter "I don't know if it's because you're an arse....."

For context, the disagreement was just about visiting PILs this weekend. He thought he'd told me he'd said yes to a visit and dinner, but he definitely hadn't. Like I say, relatively minor and not something I'd normally get upset about - but the comments about my hormones and losing my memory have really upset me.

Gaslighting you to cover his lapse

Consider your future with this man very carefully

I have lost count of the amount of threads started by who are to presume are women with the word 'hormones' within about the second line, PMT, pregnancy, TTC, menopause, teenage girl hormones, 'baby brain' going by threads alone not sure women never have 'hormone' issues

I hate it when partners play memory tricks. When I was younger, it really had me questioning myself and was very unhealthy. It is a nasty thing to do.

@AllTheWomenWhoIndependent I watched my Dad deteriorate with dementia and would be equally upset if someone said that to me, especially someone who used supposed to care.

I actually think @Needapadlockonmyfridge has the best answer ever.

Well he can go to in-laws for dinner.
You don’t have to if you’re already busy.
Just tell him breezily that if it’s not on a calendar it’s not happening.

And if he ever comments on your hormones or memory again then ask him if he has an actual valid comment rather than a perjorative opinion based on mysogyny.

Vile. Does he have other redeeming qualities?

I'll see it this way. If you have been mentioning before you feel hormonal and your memory had been not as good as usual and he is a decent person I would think that although fire back with shit like that is OTT he may not be a complete arsehole.

If he is in use to say things like that to make you feel small and to patronising you, he is a complete arsehole.

The degree of 'arseholesing' will vary depending of which of the two previous premises is the correct. In any case he was OTT.

The post does just include a slither of conversation. And we would not consider it unusual if it were the other way round.
He is certain he said something, she is certain he did not. We cannot presume that he is wrong and that she is right in this. And it is likely that she might have said something similar to him first.

I often wonder why so much store is out on women's hormones causing them to be emotional and forgetful and none at all is put on men's hormones causing them to become aggressive or in your husbands case here, a bit of a dick?

i think my counter would be "well, that's as may be. But I KNOW you said that because you're an arse."

Dump

Well as long as you are sure you didn't forget ! I forget stuff sometimes !
Hormones may play a part for me. My bf has a terrible memory and often refers to that himself.
Depends on the context ... we may say that to each other and it wouldn't be a big deal. Said with vitriol it is.

Has he got form for gaslighting or was he just being an arse to cover his own back?

Either way I would be VERY watchful from now on. And start taking notes.

Nasty bastard

If this isn't the norm, I'd just tell him it was a horrible comment, see how he responds

👍🏻

he has hormones too 🤷‍♀️

DH is a bit like this but rather than say ‘oh,sorry,I probably didn’t hear you’ as he is quite deaf, it’s ’you Never bother to tell me things’ -oh boo hoo.
I’ve caught him out a couple of times to prove he is wrong - so he isn’t so bad now

Point blank denying something you know to be true is gaslighting.

tbh i always get my phone out as soon as something like this is mentioned, add it to my calender and confirm back to the person telling me.

And i have had occasions where DH (who is lovely, doesn't say shit like in the OP and doesn't gaslight me) genuinely thought he'd told me something. Can you get in the habit of doing that, OP?

He sounds like a real nasty arsehole. I'd counter with 'I don't if it's your tiny member causing you penis envy and over-compensating by putting me down, or you're just an arsehole, but..'

I'd of jumped straight in with telling him why especially the memory issue comment was highly inappropriate and hurtful, and that you are disappointed that he's the kind of man who'd say something like that under the circumstances - hopefully some guilt would be induced, he needs to feel it to stop him doing that again.

Thank you for all your thoughts everyone.

It's not the actual disagreement that we had about whether he did or didn't tell me about PILs visit. I'm fine with us having disagreements so long as we can discuss the disagreement like adults without descending into mean comments like I am losing my memory or suggesting that my hormones render my opinion less valid. He could easily have broached it by saying he was certain he had told me, but let's agree to disagree, move on and then discuss whether to go to PILs or not.

Regarding whether he has form for this. Well, kind of. We were in a really bad place several years ago - our communication was terrible: passive aggressive, silent treatment, etc. Both of us - not just him. We went to counselling, and we worked really really hard on our communication and intimacy and just in general on being kind and thoughtful and loving to each other. Our marriage has been brilliant for 5 years - I mean, really really great - we've honestly never been so happy. Every time we've had a disagreement, we've discussed it calmly and really listened to each other's points of views really respectfully. We've never let an argument simmer - we nip it in the bud and we discuss it. The counselling and hard work really paid off.

So the hormones and memory comments really really hurt, because they were said in a mean tone of voice, and it took me right back to 5 years ago. And I'm pretty shocked he went there to be honest, because I genuinely thought we were past all that. There hasn't been a single hint of it - from either of us - for over 5 years. That's why I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive. The memory comment especially feels spiteful because of my dad.

It's probably not too late to tell him now if you didn't get to address it at the time. Hard to think in the moment when upset and shocked by an unnecessary nasty comment.

Counteract with your own dismissal: "I don't know if it's because you're an arse or a cunt, but..."

This really bloody annoys me! It's always that you're angry/upset because you're on your period, due to be on, because of your pregnancy hormones, because you're menopausal... no, it's because you're a dick.

And yes, I'd be cross and hurt by the memory comment.