"I don't know if it's your hormones or an issue with your memory, but ..."

[AllTheWomenWhoIndependent]

During a relatively minor disagreement, my husband started his point of view with "I don't know if it's your hormones or an issue with your memory, but ..."

This has really pissed me off and stung for two reasons. Firstly, I think the whole "it's your hormones" thing is a lazy and easy way for a man to dismiss a woman's opinion - it's like saying that my feelings don't count because I'm just a hysterical woman with out-of-control hormones. (I'm on HRT if that makes any difference).

Secondly, and what really hurts the most, is the memory comment. I've been watching my dad slowly lose his memory with dementia for the last 4 years. It feels like such a low blow to suggest I'm losing my memory in order to gain the upper hand in an argument, and also, again it feels like a dismissal of my opinion.

Am I over thinking this? Or being too sensitive with these two comments?

You are not being over sensitive . I can see why you are upset, it’s not just the comment itself ( nasty as it is ), it’s that sinking feeling that you might be going back to where you were before. And you thought you had both moved on from that bad place.

I think this requires a Serious Talk when you both are calm. If he dismisses your concerns - you have a real problem. Id be taking careful notes and watching carefully to see if this is a one off or not.

If you have been mentioning before you feel hormonal and your memory had been not as good as usual and he is a decent person I would think that although fire back with shit like that is OTT he may not be a complete arsehole.

To answer this point: yes, my HRT has taken some time to get the doses right but it's been settled for months now, and I'm in a great place with the HRT. I'm on cyclical HRT, so I still get periods and I do still get PMT, which I do discuss with my husband (because I assumed I could trust him not to then use that against me in a future disagreement).

And with my memory, my dad getting dementia does of course worry me that the same thing will happen to me. I've had many conversations with my husband about embracing life while we can because we just never know when something like dementia could strike. He knows this is a worry of mine: I read articles and books about lifestyle factors I can make to reduce my risk of dementia.

And it is likely that she might have said something similar to him first.

I didn't. What I said first was: "I'm getting strong vibes from you that you're annoyed with me about the visit to your mum and dad this weekend. Shall we have a conversation about it and clear the air?"

And he replied with: "You've really pissed me off actually. I don't know if it's your hormones or an issue with your memory ... etc etc"

"Regarding whether he has form for this. Well, kind of. We were in a really bad place several years ago - our communication was terrible: passive aggressive, silent treatment, etc. Both of us - not just him. We went to counselling, and we worked really really hard on our communication and intimacy and just in general on being kind and thoughtful and loving to each other. Our marriage has been brilliant for 5 years - I mean, really really great - we've honestly never been so happy. Every time we've had a disagreement, we've discussed it calmly and really listened to each other's points of views really respectfully. We've never let an argument simmer - we nip it in the bud and we discuss it. The counselling and hard work really paid off."

Abuse however, is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. The silent treatment he gave you was an example of emotional abuse. That is why the counselling did not work, this is something that is deeply ingrained within him. He also took away techniques from those counselling sessions to use against you; this is also why joint counselling with abusive men is not recommended. Abuse is not a relationship issue. He's just hidden this long enough and has been careful not to let you readily see that side of him. The act can only go on for so long and the old reemerges.

"So the hormones and memory comments really really hurt, because they were said in a mean tone of voice, and it took me right back to 5 years ago. And I'm pretty shocked he went there to be honest, because I genuinely thought we were past all that. There hasn't been a single hint of it - from either of us - for over 5 years. That's why I'm wondering if I'm being oversensitive. The memory comment especially feels spiteful because of my dad".

Yes to now you're back at square one again and no you were not past all that at all, you just thought you were but he's bided his time. There have probably been red flags re his behaviour in the meantime that you've either not recognised, minimised or otherwise excused, No to you're being oversensitive.

I would seriously consider whether you want to remain married to this individual because this will be your life with him going forward.

Sorry but I would take this as a clumsy comment, rather than a malicious one.

My father is in a care home with dementia. Sometimes doesn't recognise me. Calls his wife by a different name. Forgets my brother died twenty years ago and asks how he is, so I get it.

I'm also on hrt, the cyclic conti ones as was still having periods. For the most part settled but I am no way near how I used to be, still struggle with concentration, trying to study with a course and finding it so tough. I absolutely hold my hand up and say my memory is not what it used to be.

If my OH said something like that to me, yeah, it would probably sting a bit but only like finding my first grey hair, or something like that. I would take to my oh about my feelings but wouldn't jump to anything more than that.

If there are other issues, then fair enough, but on the face of it, I'd not think much to it

@AllTheWomenWhoIndependent, as I said in my previous post he was OTT, I agree with you that you don't expect a person you love fire back at you with things like that, but depending of how is he you may have him the benefit of the doubt if this kind of comments are very rare. In the other hand if he patronised that way frequently I would be thinking in re-evaluate my relationship.

It can be one in a while OTT, and he should apologise or a continuous. You may forget and forgive the first but definitely you shouldn't if is the second.

I am worried I might be making excuses, it might be (and might well not be) that he felt the same. I find it frustrating when a partner will not acknowedge they might have forgotten something of not taken it in and if they do not remember something it has certainly not happened, no matter how much I can remember it and can verify it did.
This is not a justification, but if he felt she was claiming the authority on reality, it mgiht have been a petty way of hitting back.

That’s a low blow from an ignorant man. I suspect that as he knows the history with your dad he has said it to get a response.

You are not being oversensitive. He knows all your soft spots and is weaponising hi knowledge of your vulnerability. While it might be true, the way he pulled up the hormones and memory card in this context is deliberate and a low blow intended to destabilise your sense of reality, basically laying the groundworks for crazy making