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Original poster

Dh relationship with his sister seems to be a one way street

43 replies

Roiesin57 · 02/02/2024 03:30

My dh & his sister have been close over the years, despite there being a 10 year age gap. Initiating contact has been about equal til about the last few months. She hardly ever visited us though as her dh was a bit controlling & she doesn't like driving far. We only live 6 miles away, all rural!
He visits her on her birthday but it's never reciprocated, he always has to go to hers to collect card & gift for his birthday.
Her dh died just over a year ago & he's given her a lot of support. She seems almost relieved. Got herself a new man & new friends. Not judging for that but over the last few months her initiating any form of contact has been very low. It's always him making first move. It's now been 2 weeks since he last spoke to her & he's hurt, won't ring again as he's fed up of it always being one way.
She's retired & is not busy with work or children. He's had a nasty virus & so has been low anyway. Maybe she has too for all we know.
Now he's talking about boycotting her 70th birthday celebration & not asking her to his 60th later in the year.
Is he being ott, or justified? Seems sad to let a sibling relationship go when you're 60 & 70 years old

OP posts:
Original poster
Roiesin57 · 02/02/2024 03:51

Just to add, she's been to the pub in our village with her new man friend a few times but has never offered to pop round or invite us to meet them at the pub. Apart from one occasion, which we were not available for.
Says a lot doesn't it?
.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 02/02/2024 04:04

I'm amazed a sibling relationship could reach this state in such a short time.

I am 60, my brother approaching 70. Over the years contact has been initiated more by one, then the other, depending on partners, careers, children, general life. It doesn't matter by who. There have been some years contact has been sparse, a couple of visits, emails, phone calls. But I'd never consider boycotting a birthday party or playing stupid games like that. How petty can some people be!

He's my brother . I love him. He loves me. If he needs me, he SAYS SO and I respond.

I think your dh needs to communicate more, not less.

Original poster
Roiesin57 · 02/02/2024 04:10

@Meadowfinch I have to mostly agree, but when she's literally a minute away in our village pub & she doesn't bother asking him to pop down or pop round to see her own db then it's quite hurtful to him.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 02/02/2024 04:25

Maybe she's chosen another controlling man. It's not unusual to keep to type. Maybe they're in the honeymoon phase and want alone-time. It could be anything.

Can't your dh just drop in on her? Check she's ok? Why does it matter who makes contact first? She's his sister. They have six decades of history, so getting miffed about who picks up the phone first seems odd to me. He's feeling a bit down at the moment so could you have a chat with her, suggest she come and help cheer him up?

Spencer0220 · 02/02/2024 04:28

I agree with pp. your husband is being way too precious.

This is his sister, not a girlfriend.

He needs to be there for when the sparkle of her new relationship and friends have worn off.

Grief can take years to recover from, and one is truly never the same.

Josette77 · 02/02/2024 06:07

I think your DH needs to chill a bit.

She's had a horrible year and is processing a lot of change even if it looks all.hqppy from the outside.

I think a bit of space between them isn't a bad thing, but it would be silly for him to cut her off because he didn't hear from her for two weeks.

Yoyoban · 02/02/2024 06:18

Two weeks is barely any time. She's allowed time on her own with her friends/ partner without always being obliged to see her db too. (And if she doesn't like driving maybe others are giving her a lift to and from near yours which obviously would make it inconvenient to them also add in a visit to you

Your DH needs to give her some space. It's interesting you talk about her partner being controlling when actually he sounds controlling of her.

He needs to take a leaf out of her book and develop some friendships of his own so he's not so reliant on his sister

ArtificialElephants · 02/02/2024 06:55

She's 70 years old and presumably has been like this - more or less - all her adult life.

Seems a bit late to suddenly decide to take a stand, tbh.

For the sake of not having any regrets, other than encourage her to reach out more often - there is no way I'd fracture such a long and otherwise close relationship at this stage of the game.

Loopytiles · 02/02/2024 06:59

DH would be U not to attend the 70th party, but at a better time he could talk to his sister about what going on with her and what he’d like from her.

Sounds like you all ignored the ‘elephant in the room’ of her relationship with her H.

Holly60 · 02/02/2024 07:20

I personally would go to the party as I think it's something he might regret later on if he doesn't.

RandomMess · 02/02/2024 07:24

He can step back without boycotting birthdays.

Has he ever invited them around?

Sounds more like an ingrained habit that she's happy with.

AndThatWasNY · 02/02/2024 07:30

I love my sister but can go a couple of months without speaking/texting. It is almost always me who visits or calls. Some people are rubbish at initiating (my sister for one, unless there is a reason) whereas others do lots of the leg work. Doesn't mean she doesn't care just doesn't work that way

Life is short, don't worry about who does what, just enjoy the bits that happen.

Hbosh · 02/02/2024 09:25

Agree with the general idea here that your husband is just unrealistic.
Maybe his ideal brother/sister relationship would be one where the visit and call all the time. But she's not being a bad sister by not doing so.
She may very well be happy seeing her brother once every few months. Nothing wrong with that, especially now that sh's just come out of a controling relationship and has a new man in her life.

If he wants to see his sister, that's his problem. Then he should be the one to initiate contact. Or at least have an open and honest conversation with his sister about his expectations and see what she has to say about them.

Original poster
Roiesin57 · 02/02/2024 16:18

@Yoyoban it's nothing to do with him not having friends of his own, he does.
He's asked her to pop round anytime, the door is always open, she doesn't need an invite. She wants him to meet her new chap, but when her new chap drives them over to our village to go for a drink or meal she doesn't even bother to ask dh to come & meet them. She's very happy to see dh as long as it's him going to see her. She's happy to go to town to do her shopping but not happy to come & see dh even though they're in our village, & it's not a busy route. I think he's bound to feel hurt at that tbh.

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 02/02/2024 16:24

I understand your dp being hurt if she's not maintaining family relationships since getting a new fella. This is short-sighted of her. I agree with pp there is the potential that the new fella might also be controlling.

But your dh would regret not marking her big birthday or asking her to celebrate his. She will probably be in touch again soon.

Noseybookworm · 02/02/2024 22:17

If your DH is feeling hurt that his sister came to your village pub and didn't pop in or invite him for a drink to meet her new partner then he needs to tell her! Surely better to be up front about how he's feeling rather than let resentment simmer and sulkily boycott her birthday celebrations. Tell him to grow up and speak to his sister like an adult!

Findinganewme · 02/02/2024 22:28

There is so much to be said about being understanding of what our loved ones may be experiencing, even when we don’t know what that may be?

my brother and I don’t speak often, but we do care for one another and there for each other, when needed. I am terrible at initiating contact, he is a bit better. I tend to get really caught up, overwhelmed, I do a lot of solo parenting and often just need to just have Netflix on and be on ‘off’ mode. I sometimes find social interactions exhausting and my brother sort of understands .

my brother has a very demanding, senior role at work and also has three kids, a super wife and a dog. He’s got his hands full and he’s often stressed out and frazzled. I give him space.

it would be so sad for your husband to let his relationship with his sister turn sour over ‘life’. She’s at the pub near you with other people, whom she should be attentive towards, she doesn’t always have to include your husband.

she is 70. Don’t waste time.

Lifewithkids · 03/02/2024 06:33

Hello,

I wouldn’t choose the party to make a stand as it would potentially ruin her day if they are close & cause upset that could be avoided by just having a conversation with his sister.

I suspect if her late dh was controlling, she is enjoying a her freedom and in the honeymoon phase with her new man.

without meaning to offend, what is your relationship like with dh sister? Could that be a reason she doesn’t feel welcome/comfortable to come to you?

hopscotcher · 03/02/2024 06:42

A bit OTT in my opinion. I'd hope there'd be some sort of interim steps (e.g. talking to her...?) before ending a close relationship or boycotting a significant party. Some relationships do fall into these somewhat one-sided patterns - it doesn't mean they should be discarded. She may not even realise that there's a problem.

Original poster
Roiesin57 · 03/02/2024 08:25

@Lifewithkids my relationship with her is fine, we have a good laugh together

OP posts:
Stupidliefromfriend · 03/02/2024 10:26

I don't think he's wrong to let her know he feels taken for granted but I think potentially ruining her big party is way ott. She might not get another big night.

I'm saying this as someone whose siblings didn't show up for my big night for no good reason beyond a strong case of CBA. It's very hurtful and has soured our relationships.

Corondel · 03/02/2024 10:33

Honestly, I can’t imagine being petty enough to note which sibling initiates contact or keep track of sibling movements to see how close she’s been geographically without visiting. Doesn’t he ever actually talk to her about this, rather than festering or moaning to you? He clearly needs the relationship, or at least more frequent contact in the relationship, more than she does, so he needs to deal with it and continue to be the one who phones or visits, or task to her. Simmering for years and then boycotting her 70th birthday is both insanely passive-aggressive and self-defeating.

forrestgreen · 03/02/2024 11:40

I think I'd leave it a few months with her taking the lead and then review.

At the age of fifty I try to give people the same energy as they give me. If people message me I do the same back, I'm over flogging myself for people.

perfectcolourfound · 03/02/2024 15:14

I can go weeks or months without seeing siblings. We get along great and I adore them, but that's just how it is. Thinking of one, she is better at sending a text, but has no interest in visiting (it's years since she came to our house). I'm more likely to suggest a visit (although perhaps 2 x a year) but not great at keeping in touch between times.

It wouldn't dawn on me to be offended or to 'fall out' because of it. We're grown ups who love each other and have different ways of going about things.

If your DH no longer wants to spend time with his sister then he doesn't have to (but there doesn't have to be any drama about it, and refusing to go to a birthday party is very childish). If he does want to spend time with her then he either needs to accept that's who she is, or have a calm and honest conversation with her.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/02/2024 15:47

AndThatWasNY · 02/02/2024 07:30

I love my sister but can go a couple of months without speaking/texting. It is almost always me who visits or calls. Some people are rubbish at initiating (my sister for one, unless there is a reason) whereas others do lots of the leg work. Doesn't mean she doesn't care just doesn't work that way

Life is short, don't worry about who does what, just enjoy the bits that happen.

Same with me and DB - who cut off contact for a couple of decades but got back in touch when he split up with his wife (complete coincidence I'm sure🙄)
We don't keep tabs on who gets in touch first.