Dh relationship with his sister seems to be a one way street

[Roiesin57]

My dh & his sister have been close over the years, despite there being a 10 year age gap. Initiating contact has been about equal til about the last few months. She hardly ever visited us though as her dh was a bit controlling & she doesn't like driving far. We only live 6 miles away, all rural!
He visits her on her birthday but it's never reciprocated, he always has to go to hers to collect card & gift for his birthday.
Her dh died just over a year ago & he's given her a lot of support. She seems almost relieved. Got herself a new man & new friends. Not judging for that but over the last few months her initiating any form of contact has been very low. It's always him making first move. It's now been 2 weeks since he last spoke to her & he's hurt, won't ring again as he's fed up of it always being one way.
She's retired & is not busy with work or children. He's had a nasty virus & so has been low anyway. Maybe she has too for all we know.
Now he's talking about boycotting her 70th birthday celebration & not asking her to his 60th later in the year.
Is he being ott, or justified? Seems sad to let a sibling relationship go when you're 60 & 70 years old

Reading between the lines, deceased husband was controlling and didn’t allow her a social life and her brother was the only contact with the outside world she got. She’s now free and living the life she should always have had. She’s happy with her new man and friends and unfortunately she doesn’t ‘need’ her brother as much.

On the one hand I understand this is upsetting for your husband, he feels like she’s dropped him or used him. I understand that but I also think she’s now living the life she deserves (we all deserve to have freedom to socialise) and he should be pleased for her.

It’s a bit weird. Let him sort his family relationships. 2 weeks is nothing.

It's understandable that your DH is hurt by her reducing contact but I think you both need to cut his sister some slack.

Her apparently abusive husband died a year ago and she's managed to find a new (hopefully much better) man already. She's probably busy in her new life stage and enjoying the freedom that comes from not having her controlling late husband anymore. Seeing as she's 70 years old now too, does that mean she spent much of her adult life with her late husband? If so then the impact of not having him around anymore becomes even bigger. Honestly good for her for putting herself out there.

These actions don't mean that she doesn't care about her brother anymore - when anyone goes through a major life change, it's commonplace that they temporarily drift away from old relationships while they go through their new experiences and settle into their new life. It might feel personal but often it's actually not.

It's understandable if your DH doesn't want to keep being the one to initiate contact etc. But this problem seems to have only gone on for a fairly short amount of time (somewhere around 1 year, compared to their 60/70 year relationship) so rather than cutting off contact with his sister, just be honest and say hey we appreciate you've been going through a new life stage and had a lot of changes happen in your life, and we miss you and would love to see and hear from you more. We'd love to meet your new partner too 😊

If you've got a local cafe or something that has a special event every week (even if it's just something like a simple discount on Friday's etc) then you can suggest going there together - maybe it would be better for you both to offer to do something new with her too.

Quite. Sounds very intense and weird to me.

DH needs to chill out.

How very dare she go to the nearby pub and not invite her brother!

🤣🤣🤣

It sounds like he assumed he'd be the centre of his sister's universe once her husband had died, and is throwing a strop now she's gone and got herself a new fella and group of friends.

It's been two weeks; he needs to chill and fill up his own life with friends and days out.

I have siblings that I don't speak to for months. I love them and they love me but we all have lives and we all understand that. It sounds like maybe the two of you are obsessing a bit and maybe between you are winding each other up to the end point of it being a thing when it needn't be.

i understand your partner being put out or hurt but he needs to communicate how he feels not sulk as if she's always been distant and he has always made the effort, she isn't going to suddenly change or reflect as people don't without prompting, she's obviously that kind of character - quite insular and probably genuinely has no idea that her behaviour impacts people in this way. He needs to find a gentle way of telling her how he feels.

the gap will only grow bigger between them and it sounds like it already causes your partner some upset so imagine if it escalating to the end where they no longer have contact - it will cause your partner untold misery in his final years and I suspect be the subject of great regret.

maybe just a message to say 'I'm happy that you're happy but I miss you and I'd like to see you soon - let's get together'

Has your DH actually told his sister how he feels, or just assumed she’s a mind reader who constantly knows how he’s feeling?

I feel like boycotting her 70th is a bit dramatic, I’m unsure as to why he can’t just send her a message to the effect of ‘Hello, I hope you’re doing well. I’ve noticed that recently there’s been a shift in our relationship where I feel I am initiating a lot of the conversations and think it’s a shame for you to be so local without popping by’. There’s probably a valid reason why she hasn’t initiated contact with your DH, and even if there isn’t, is he really going to give up on a 60 year relationship because things have gone downhill over the course of one year?

I think it's extremely unusual for adult siblings to see so much of each other. Tbh, your DH sounds quite clingy. His sister is getting her life back after what sounds like a tough time and maybe she is right to set her priorities going forward. But ultimately it's for them to sort out, and any 3rd party (albeit a spouse) needs to stay out of it.

It must be hard. A period of adjustment for everybody. Maybe she is just happy and all wrapped up in a new relationship. We have all been there at one point or another and let our other relationships and friendships slide for a new relationship.

That being said. I have a brother. Love him to bits. He loves me. We have no relationship issues. We speak seldom in some ways but when we do see each other and speak. It’s great. Maybe just focus on the quality when they do speak then the frequency etc. or who makes the effort x

OT there is a lot of consensus your DH is being unreasonable and petty and he sounds controlling and clingy (which he might not be but this is how he comes across from your description).
from your two messages it seems you have decided he is in the right and she is in the wrong, so you both need to be open minded that you are at fault. Then it’s his decision on how to continue the relationship.

She is enjoying her freedom and probably doesn't realise. Also she could reconditioned by her x and still expects you to travel there.

Do you usually visit with DH? Could he have said something well meaning maybe that came out wrong? Families are funny things. I think he should call her or pop in, establish whether there's anything wrong and then if all is well just leave her to it.

I think not going to /inviting to birthday celebrations seems OTT.
Having said that, I completely understand how it feels to see one person in the family always being the one to get in touch and visit but it not get reciprocated. This should be broached if it causing upset/tension.
I see and communicate with my siblings daily and not talking for 2 weeks would be very unusual for us too. However, my partner hasn't initiated contact directly with his siblings or vice versa for 15 years. They exchange cards and are cordial at family events but do not feel the need to communicate directly. It would be very unusual for them to contact each other - all families are different. He got fed up being the one always initiating and visiting. They didn't speak at all for a while- even at family functions.
He needs to think about the type of relationship he wants and what he is prepared to do to make that happen. Not communicating with her or not attending birthday event is communicating something but doesn't seem like a positive contribution to a relationship.
If you get on with her maybe you could broach it?

Yes your and your dh reactions are over the top.
Have you tried asking why she doesn't pop round more often.
Also seems she is in a honeymoon stage of the relationship. Give it time, it won't last forever. Let her enjoy new love and independence.
I hope you don't mind me saying, but looking at your replies you are egging on your husbands bitter feelings towards his sister

He needs to speak to her without being accusatory. Just say how he’s feeling and that he’s missing her. That’s how healthy, close relationships work best.

I think you and your husband sound really sensitive. She's had a lot of change in the past year and is starting to live her life again after what sounds like a long time trapped with a controlling husband. You're all old what is the point in getting upset over something that essentially she's a bit over excited about her new life and so hasn't thought to be inviting her brother to everything.

I love my brother and I'd say we we're pretty close but we can go weeks without speaking and a couple of months without seeing each other. Same for me and my best friend. We all live in neighbouring villages but life gets busy. Noone makes a big deal about it though if it's been a while and we want to catch up we'll just message and say hey shall we meet up in the next couple of weeks. Can he not just do that?

Not going to his sisters 70th after a lifetime together just seems petty af and is likely to ruin the relationship completely.

She is his sister, not his girlfriend! It's odd to feel jealous if she doesn't choose to spend her time with him or invite him to do things. Isn't it normal for siblings to have a more casual relationship than friends/partners? As in, they can make less effort but still know the other one loves them, they can not see each other for periods of time but when they meet they'll be as close as ever, and so on. They're siblings, so they know they're always there for each other! She shouldn't have to need to make so much effort with a brother, I think... she is probably enjoying her new relationship and in the 'honeymoon stage' and just wanting to immerse herself in this happy period after a rough year. He can tell her how he feels if he's upset, but boycotting her birthday would be very unkind and babyish.

Also, why on earth should she have to invite her brother to pub and meal dates with her new partner, simply because her brother lives in the area? It's a date! People don't invite siblings to dates?