Is it possible to recover from an affair?

[Emmaheather]

I never thought I would be asking this and am looking for thoughtful responses. If you're thoughts are no, never, no need to comment.

My husband had an affair..... for 5 years. I know he's quite damaged (boarding school at 7 years old, rejecting father, chaotic but loving mother - never had a hot meal cooked for him, 2x awful step mothers). We were together for 20 years. 2 fantastic children. He totally regrettes the fair but he has was selfish and a shit husband for many years. He moved out 2 years ago (I told him he had to go) and had been trying to make amends since.

I won't go into anymore detail of all the turmoil but just wondering if there is anyone out there whose relationship has recovered from a long term affair?

I have a family member whose partner has an affair resulting in the birth of a child. A week after the birth of their second child together.
Shes an incredible woman and has had another child with him and has the other child weekends and holidays, treats her as if she’s her own.
So yes I think a relationship can recover from an affair in some circumstances. Ultimately it comes down to you though, can you forgive him? Truly forgive and not throw it in his face in an argument or something?

You can live with it, but never forget it. It's as if the blinkers are taken off and there is a whole new world or lies and deceit that you can't unsee.

It's not an affair but a full blown relationship. His past has no bearing on his choice to seek sex with another woman.

He had an affair for a quarter of your time together. I cannot understand how you could forgive that and recover but if you do you need to truly mean it. It can't be something you bring up in fights or something you accuse him of because that will drive you mad and you'll never be at peace in yourself.
If you don't think you can do that, don't put yourself through it!

Me and my ex -I thought- had recovered from his affair after 4 years and 2 kids together, however he went on to have another at the 11 year mark and married her 1 year after we split.

He was leading a double life, stealing your agency and consent, and risking your health.

@Emmaheather, what work has he done to examine and rectify his deficient character traits that enabled his long-term infidelity and his being a ‘shit husband’ in general — weak boundaries, need for illicit ego boosts, selfishness, entitlement, egocentricity, lack of empathy, willingness to deceive and harm you, etc.?

Has he dug deep in IC and done extensive research via readings and infidelity websites like survivinginfidelity?

It's really hard, I decided to live with.(not forgot) the horrendously awful time my partner put me through.
I had two children that needed stability at the time their Dad decided to fuck another woman.
I chose to stay.
Looking back I absolutely wish I had the skills to leave. I didn't because I didn't have the emotional skills. My Dad left my Mum when I was young. I always felt like I needed to re create my family. I felt a failure if I was a single Mum because I felt I was recreatimg my family.
I have stayed, yes on the outside we look a lovely family , but I fucking, furiously hate him
Please don't be me x

He shagged my friend.
When I found out by seeing his hotel booking, he said it was my fault.
He said if I was better, hadn't have got lazy by putting weight on, he wouldn't have got with my friend.
I was so entrenched with wanting to keep my family together I accepted it.
I even went on a weight loss regime.
I didn't eat for days. I hated my body.
I am now, thankfully in a better place.
I suppose what I am desperately trying to tell you is please don't let those horrible men tell you you are not enough. You are xx

It sounds like you’re making excuses for him.

You say he’s quite damaged. Has he had therapy?
Has he done the work?

Have you both tried couple counselling?

It’s rare. And when it happens, it is not without huge sacrifice, pain, and legacy issues. Mostly borne by the non-affair-haver. Trust me on this: you will carry the burden way more than he will, for way longer, if you take him back.

I agree, you will hurt more by having him back.
I wish to God I was brave enough to tell him to go to hell. Instead I have the do it now.

Gee OP, that's a tough one. It's not black & white, every person, every relationship is different.

An affair for 5 years! That's no accident or lack of judgment, that is a deliberate act to maintain another relationship. But, why didn't he leave you, for her???

There's a lot to unpack. I guess only you will know how to proceed. Go with what feels right.

My friends have stayed together after one of them had a year long affair. Honestly, they're flogging dead horse, it's always there just under the surface. It's changed them both adversely.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968

Read this

I think the answer to this sits with you and him.

5 years is a very long affair. That’s a huge amount to process. All those times he stole your personal agency and right to informed sexual consent. His ability to lie and manipulate to compartmentalise are all things you’d need to truly process.

But you have clearly separated (2 years) which has given you both time and space to consider what you want. This is in your favour.

You need to understand the difference (and be really clear on what it looks like) between regret/guilt/shame and true remorse. Remorse involves the cheating partner moving heaven and earth to help the betrayed feel safe again. It’s consistent, it’s a state where your needs for answers, transparency, empathy comes first. His ego needs to be FAR down the list.

Many people think reconciliation is about putting up and shutting up for the betrayed. That is absolutely not what you should be doing. This leads to false reconciliation and rug sweeping which raises the chance of another affair. I’m not saying it should be a betrayed attacking and the cheat accepting. It’s a two way street and you have to both give a lot. I really believe that how much the cheat can really dig deep into themselves is key. Most find that too hard and that’s when it all unravels.

FWIW I don’t think you have to ‘forgive’ an affair; you cannot forgive the unforgivable. You accept it happened within your relationship. It becomes just part of your shared history. How much emphasis you then place on that time comes down to the individual couple.

Surviving Infidelity is a great place if you’re seriously considering reconciliation. Their reconciliation board is full of people who have walked your path and can help you navigate it as safely as possible. Affair recovery videos are great and how to help my spouse heal from my affair is a book that really lays down what to expect from a remorseful spouse.

Ultimately a decision to reconcile has to be made on what makes YOU most happy. For me my priorities were met and my joy came from staying together and growing as a family. It’s been a long journey but I’m happy with the choice I made.

💐

Yes it is.
But it takes a lot of time and effort from both of you. I'd strongly recommend speaking to a couples therapist to help you navigate it. It meant once a fortnight we spoke really candidly on neutral territory. But you need to go into those sessions really trying to honestly work if you want to forgive him or if you want to breakup. You need to mentally explore breaking up now - because if you don't, you'll wonder if you made the right decision. After that session we'd go for a coffee together and chat / cry some more.
That was over 10 years ago now.
Do I trust him? Yes. But I also now know that life isn't always black and white or straightforward. We work at our relationship. I would say we now communicate really well, love each other and make each other laugh.
It doesn't fill me with sadness anymore when I think about his affair.

5 years is a long time. That’s a double life not an affair. I couldn’t but others can and do. Doesn’t sound like he is much of a catch anyway from your description. I would question your motives after 2 years apart.

Yes I think it is possible. Not my expert partners dad had an affair when partner was in teens and his parents are still together and from the outside you wouldn’t know. However we always say he is continually paying for it as became a total yes man

I'm a no, never but I'm replying because I wasn't always that way. Not until it happened tbh.

I was always quite pragmatic about affairs - they happen - and, whilst I didn't believe my exh would cheat for various reasons, I didn't see it as necessarily insurmountable if he did (privately).

And then he had a short affair. We had been together for 12 years. He'd been my best friend from 16 (we got together in our mid 20s).

It wasn't the fact he'd had sex with someone else, that bothered me specifically - which is what I think a lot of women think it boils down to. A lot of woken (I think) think in terms of 'can I get over the fact he had sex with someone else?'

It was the way he'd treated me during the affair (distant and dismissive although I never suspected an affair). And also the lies, deceit and lack of respect he'd demonstrated by having it. If he'd just told me it was the end of the line for him, we'd have parted amicably and probably still remained friends.

He was remorseful and wanted to try again but he had become a different person to me and one that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with. How could I ever be vulnerable again with someone who had shown such little regard for me?

I wasn't in a comfortable position either. I wasn't working at the time and my dad had died a fortnight to the day earlier. But, if anything, that just made me realise how precious life is and how I didn't want to spend any of it agonising over him.

I also agree that 5 years is a double life and not an affair. I couldn't trust someone who had been that duplicitous for so long tbh. It speaks of their character.

This.

But to people outside, if you put on a brave face, they'd be on this thread saying "My friend did this, it took time but they're ok now".

He's broken something that can't ever be fully fixed. It may be because he himself was broken, and that's sad, but that doesn't change the reality. And if he's broken enough to lie and deceive you for 5 years, that's a LIFETIME of therapy required for him to repair and heal.

Centre yourself and your happiness. You will never find it in a place where you're hoping it never happens again, but you can't tell for sure. You can forgive him, but that doesn't mean you will ever be able to fully trust him.

And that doesn't make you a bad person.

@savethatkitty I think the problem is I feel very torn and really just don't know. I still struggle to understand how he could do this to me and our boys. We get on well much of the time, had a lovely family life and a network of good friends, including many shares friends. Why would you throw all this away? The OW was a work colleague and also married with 2 young children. I think he would have left is she would, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have worked. It's easy to have a lovely, relaxed time with some one when you aren't negotiating parenting, and juggling multiple demands of day to day life.i think they would meet for a mutual ego trip.

He's had therapy and that's helped quite a bit. We did have some couples therapy about 18 months ago but it was too soon - he was still being a dick and I decided I needed to focus on myself and set some quite firm boundaries, and did that for about 6 months which helped me heal. Maybe we need to revisit this.

What has happened in your life in the last 2 years which is making you feel this way. The hard work is the splitting. Is your life not meeting your needs? Are you struggling to move on?

It depends who you are and what is important about marriage to you.

If marriage is about primarily about a unique relationship, love and trust, I don’t think it is recoverable. Why would you trust someone who is clearly capable of deception once.

OTOH, if you see marriage as more about the children and a financial partnership, then, yes, it is recoverable. You just need to accept it is more a friendship and practical alliance now and not unique romantic love.

I don’t think the trust element is ever recoverable.

I can see why some people would want to make it work but there is a lot in your posts that would make me question it in your shoes.

5 years duration; you think he would have left if she'd been up for that (it's irrelevant whether it would have worked or not); you've had to work on your boundaries and think you should revisit this; he was still being a dick about it when you entered couples therapy previously...

That's not a one off aberration or lapse in judgement. And whatever his issues are that explain it aren't a justification.

I wish you well whatever you decide.